See the sanitized version of me:
on strength - We come up the stairs to my room, the silence thick and heavy above our heads. He takes his coat off and puts his bag on the bed. I hear his hesitation a...
1 week ago
Siyempre parang bet ko namang magpakaglamorosa at magpaka-engrande, it even crossed my mind na magpa-parlor at magpasadya ng gown kay Paul Cabral, but then, dahil sa kapos sa oras eh deadma. I’ll settle for jeans, loafers, white shirt, jacket.
I’ll arrive fashionably late. Para namang hindi halatang masyadong excited.
Pagdating sa party. More chika-chikahan portion. Lafang-lafangan portion. Nongga-nonggahan portion.
But all along eh nasa peripheral vision ko si MHW, walang kausap sa isang sulok pero panay ang nakaw nang tingin sa akin.
Akez naman, dapat naka-timing ang hawi ng hair, ang pag-isolate ng leeg, ang pag-pout ng lips at ang pagtaas ng kilay na parang nasa isang couture na photo shoot.
Hindi ko siya papansinin hanggang sa makakahanap siya ng time na maso-solo niya akembang.
Lalapitan niya akez. May mga kabog akong mararamdaman sa dibdib ko na parang may mga kabayong nag-uunahan pero witchelles ako magpapahalata.
Compose … compose … i-channel si Miriam Quiambao.
Pagkalapit na pagkalapit niya eh titingnan niya muna ako habang super wet lang ako ng lips. Sabay shushorlak siya nang, “Bernz! I would like to apologize for whatever I did. I didn’t mean to hurt or disappoint you.”
Akez naman eh i-iiwas ang tingin sa kanya. Titingin sa malayo sabay deadma pa ren.
“Bernz! What happened between us could have been a mistake. Pero ginusto ko yon. Can you forgive me? I like you a lot. I have already broken up with my lover. Matagal kong pinag-isipan ito. Pero now, I am ready. Pwede bang mag-start tayo all over again?”
Ibabalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. May mga ngiting namumuo sa labi pero pinipigilan pa ren na mahalata. Titingnan ko lang siya. Hindi siya nagsisinungaling. May sincerity ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Shet! This is it! This is really really it!!!
And then, we will live happily ever after.
CLAUDINE: So, nagsex kayo?
BERNZ: True! Pero hindi naman sex .. hinada ko lang siya.
CLAUDINE: Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko.
BERNZ: Weh? Wala ka namang sinabi e. Bakla ka!
CLAUDINE: Gaga! Alam mo namang may jowa yung tao noh! Napaka-puta mo talaga.
BERNZ: Di naman puta .. maharot lang … pero hindi puta. (Laftir)
CLAUDINE: Che! Kahit ano pa. Hindi mo alam ang pinapasok mo. For sure, nagsisimula ka pa lang and right now you are expecting for something more than that. At sasabihin ko na ngayon. This is not a good idea. So better think twice!
This is the first time that I emailed you or attempted to communicate with you. I know that you are busy and you might not even be able to read this but I am taking my chances.
My name is Lea. You might not believe it, but I have been one of your “silent” avid readers since 2006. I came upon your blog through a friend’s email. It was a forwarded email that I almost marked as spam but your name “Badinggerzie” caught my attention and I read your story about your brother. Then, I googled you and found your blog.
It is so nice to finally see you blogging again. I never thought that you’ll be back. But now that you are, I’m very glad to see you sharing your stories to us again. I know that I share the same feeling of a lot of gays and transgenders out there that enjoy and find inspiration from your blogs.
But I want to take this opportunity to share my story. I’m a thirty-year old pre-op transgender. I’m currently living in Perth, Australia with my life partner, John. He is an Australian and we have been together for almost seven years. By the way, he is also a fan, although, I have to translate each and every entry to him and most of the time I fail to convey the same energy and spirit that you have with your words. I know, it’s the “gay lingo” thing, and coming from you, it’s like magic. I don’t know most of the words anymore but nevertheless I know and seamlessly understand everything.
I decided to go abroad when I was twenty years old. I barely finished my college education. I got an opportunity to work as a performer in Papua New Guinea. I didn’t leave because I wanted to work. I just wanted to escape. My family, especially my father, never accepted me. When he found out that I was gay, he kicked me out of the house. I was first year college, then. So, I had no choice but to work and support myself through college.
Growing up and maturing as a tranny in Manila was not an easy breeze. I had my share of gay bashing, people wouldn’t hire me and I was stereotyped.
On the other hand, it was not also a “nightmarish” experience. The good thing about gay life is being “gay” itself. Finding ways to have fun, to resolve conflict with laughter, and to struggle through problems and hardships with humor. That’s one thing you can’t take away from us. While reading through your blogs, feeling the nostalgia of my past gay life in Manila is a constant thing for me. It always brings out the pain, the laughter and among everything else, all the values and the lessons learned.
Me and John met in the bar where I was working as a band’s lead singer in Papua New Guinea. I was a stranger in a strange country and he was a tourist.
At first, he thought that I was a woman. And so, I pretended to be a woman for weeks. I didn’t know, then, that our relationship would be a lasting one. Also, I knew that he was not from there and that he will soon leave and go back to Australia.
To cut the story short, he fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him. But I don’t like lying very much. I had to tell him the truth. When I told him, he was so angry he slapped me and broke my nose. I cried like a baby, not because of my bloodied nose but because he couldn’t accept me.
The next day, he took the first flight out and went back to Australia.
I hadn’t seen him for six months.
Then, he returned. When I saw him again, I couldn’t believe it, I thought he might just be someone who looks like John. But after my set, he approached me and told me that he had gone through the worst six months of his life, struggling to get over and forget about me. Until he decided to come back to me and tell me he still loves me.
After a few weeks of catching up and testing the waters, our love grew for each other. He asked me to go with him back to Australia.
We haven’t been separated ever since. Five years through the relationship, I thought everything was perfect, that I am living my dream. But I knew deep inside that I was not complete yet. I still have to fulfill my ultimate goal – to undergo a sex change operation.
Then, everything changed that same year preparing for the operation when I received a phone call from my mother. At first, I found it odd, because they never called me, I always call them.
When I answered I received a shocking news. My mother asked me if I remember April. I said yes, she was my girlfriend when I was in high school, when I still wasn’t “out”. She said that April has to go to the states and left someone in our house because she couldn’t carry him with her. I asked who, and my mother said, my son!
I couldn’t believe it. I never knew I had a son. I tried to recall if April and I had sex, and yes, there was this one night, when both of us were intoxicated. We were sixteen, then, about to graduate from high school.
I found out that my son was already fourteen years old and my mother said how he truly resembles the “old” me.
I told John about it and he was bewildered as I was.
At first, meeting my son was never even an option until John convinced me to go back there to the Philippines and meet him. After all, he was my son.
So, for the first time, me and John went to the Philippines. For the first time in so many years, I met with my family. My father still had that same look he had on me. Although, we have grown older and more mature, I sensed that the abhorring feeling was still there. I couldn’t do anything about it.
Then, I saw my son. I didn’t believe in “lukso ng dugo” until then.
He looked up at me with a puzzled face and asked me if I was his father. I said yes. I expected that he would run away and hide in his room or something. But he didn’t. Instead, he embraced me.
The whole day, we were just talking. April did a good job raising him to be a smart and open-minded boy. Apparently, April didn’t keep me hidden in the closet and my son accepted and understood my situation even before he reached puberty.
It has been a long and arduous process, until I got the chance to talk to April and ask her if I could take our son back to Perth. She agreed, but she said that that was not something permanent. Once, she gets settled in the states, she has to get her son back.
So, as of this writing, it has been two years already since I took my son here in Perth. He went to school here, had his friends. We were a family.
Everything was so perfect until almost three months ago when April finally decided to take our son with her in the states.
I wouldn’t want to give him up but there’s nothing I can do. I had no legal ownership of some sort over my son.
I never felt so sad and depressed all my life since my son left. I have been trying to fill in the void that he left in my life but to no avail. I’m just thankful that John is here to console me.
I just don’t understand how unfair life is. It would give you something bad, then something good, and then take it all away again until you’re back to your empty self.
Oh well! As you put it … “Ang Harsh talaga ng reality!!!”
But nevertheless, life must go on. And life will go on for me. I might or might not meet my son again, but I hope that he knows that I love him. We are still exchanging emails up to this point.
This year, I am already scheduled to undergo my sex change operation. We decided to go back to the Philippines for me to recuperate. Wish me luck!
And if you got to this part without getting bored, I thank you for the time. You might not know me personally but as I have mentioned, you have been a big part of my life here in Australia.
Keep it up and good luck!
PS. If you want to have an aussie boyfriend, just tell me, I can hook you up with a lot of nice, young aussie lads here.
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
BERNZ: DI NIYA AKEMBANG PINAPANSIN?
KIARA: TRY MONG MAG-BLUSH ON …. YUNG SA BODY SHOP ….
BERNZ: PUNYETA KA!
BERNZ: PINAGKAMALATAN NIYA KONG NAGDE-DELIRIO
KIARA: HAHAHAHA … NAG-BLUSH ON KA TALAGA?
BERNZ: AMPF! MABULOK NA SANA ANG MATRES MO HABANG BUHAY!
BERNZ: PUKI MO BLUE!
KIARA: HAHAHAH! I-FRIEND MO KAYA SIYA SA FEZBUK.
BERNZ: HARSH! SO STALKERISH NAMAN NANG DRAMA
KIARA: OKAY …. TRY MO NAMANG MAG PLUNGING NECKLINE … PAG HINDI PA REN GUMANA .. GAGAWAN KITA NANG BALL GOWN!
BERNZ: PUNYETA KA!!!!
Bernz: psssstI don't know if this is the right decision or what ... but 'che! what the hell .. i deserve a GAY NIGHT OUT ... haven't done this for the LOOOOOOONGEST time ....
Claude: ano na? injanera!
Bernz: nisaan ka? sinung injan?
Claude: sa laguna .... "See you on the 19" ... pwe ... jijiera!
Bernz: aaahh ... i apologize ... di na talaga ako nakabalek ...bizi talaga e
Claude: simpleng text dba, ala ... pero carry on
Bernz: bawi na lang ako ....
Claude: yeah, whatever
Bernz: wala ka bang balak .... any time next week?
Claude: ano reli? il be in mla this saturday
Bernz: promise ... totoo na toh ... i so want to go out din eh. super stressed.
anung exena mo sa saturday?
Claude: me and jowa will be meeting his friends in the day.
he gave me a go signal to go out after
Bernz: so .. "after" is from what time until what time?
Claude: hmm ... i think mey movie and dinner na magaganap tapos after nun pede na
Bernz: so what time nga itu?
Claude: bakit? pede ka sa sabado?
Bernz: 10? ... 11? .... 12?
Claude: baka ganyan .... lets say, pang bar.
sabi nya i can go anytime. hanggang 1 or 2 cya sa mla.
kung magkalakad ako, baka i commute na lang pauwi
uy, kakabasa ko lang ng text mo, hahaha
Claude: dami kong sinabi, naku lang reply mo, kaloka
Bernz: teka ... hahaha ... nanunuod kasi ako nang news .. saka naghugas ako nang fekfek. eyniways .. sige go ... pwede ako sa sat ... para sa isang wholesome night out
Claude: wholesome night out ... kakaloka
Bernz: baket naman?
Claude: at anong meron sa isang wholesome night out?
Bernz: booze free --- heterosexual venue ...hahahhaa .... choz ... why ..? wanna go to BED ba?
Claude: naku, minsan lang ako ulet ako makarampa, gusto ko naman mapalibutan ng mga bakla .... please .....
Bernz: k fine .. so anu nga? malars?
kyeri ... itext mo na si RICA!
Claude: already did, antay na lang ng reply
Bernz: excited (?) proactive ka ha. di na lang ako papasok sa sat .. yan ha
Claude: uhm .... tignan muna natin sa sabado ang kaganapan, hahahaha .... IF you show up :P:P
Bernz: aynaku ... ako na nga nag aya .... pwede bang magsama nang date?
Claude: go ahead ... why not .
text mo na rin si KIARA ... pero tinext ko na pareho
Bernz: kanina ko pa tinetxt si KIARA .. wa sa pagkareply.
may nakabaon siguro
na-download mo na yung buong FAME MONSTER?
Claude: uu ... pero nde ko pa napapakinggan
Bernz: buong araw kong pinapaulet ulet .. hahahah
Claude: il have time soon enough, hahaha
Claude: naloloko pa ko sa plants vs zombies
Bernz: okay fine
txt txt na lang sa sat