KABETSEENA

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”

Itecklavu ang shurlak kembang kay Kiara habang sine-celebrate namen ang napakasuper-happy kong birhtday.

Sa truelili lang eh washington namang planong akebang na magcelebrate nang birthday ara. Ewan ko ba .. parang witchelles ko lang feel. Masyado akez depressed para magcelebrate at makipagnyostikan sa mga utaw at magpanggap na super keri-keri akembang maski witchelles naman arabum arabelles arabumbumbelles.

“BET MO BANG SAGUTIN KO YAN HONESTLY .. OR AS A FRIEND?”

Talak naman nang baklang Kiara.

Napatameme akembang. At super sight lang sa dalawang boteng horsie sa table.

Shurlak naman akembang another. Sa truelili lang eh sa 3 years na ren akez na dry season. Witchelles ko mang bet jicipin at banggitin ditey si Varsity Captain pero ayun ang eksena. Parang siya lang ang last na menchus na super naenlababo akembang at after him eh parang sinumpang kuba na ang lovelife kez.

Haves naman nang mga flings, infatuation at mga sexcapades here and there pero iba pa ren ang eksenang may hinahanap hanap kang sharam-daram feelings. Yung tipong nakakapagpangiti sa iyez nang hanggang tenga … yung tipong makakapagparelax sa beauty mo kahit na super ngaraggeddy anne na ang drama mo sa buhay dahil sa mga kembot sa workikay … yung mga tipong may mag tetext sa yo nang “WER U … D2 NA ME” ….. with matching *wink.

And speaking of flings, naichika ko kay Kiara na plentibums naman talaga ang mga fish in the ocean sa call center cherva pero ang witchelles ko lang magets eh kung baket walang nagblo-blossom na sharam-daram feelings from my so-called “PET SOCIETY”.

Pero siguro eh andun na ren yung factor na since munejer-munejeran ang drama kez eh andun na yung unwritten rule na bawal jumowa nang sinumang boylet na superior ka.

At bukod pa don eh naniniwala akong “Don’t shit where you eat!”

*

ISANG ARAW SA OFFICE:

First week ni Mr. Hello World, at in fairness eh may pagka-mr. congeniality naman si kuya. Parang andami na niyang newfound friends, tapos samantlang akez itong nagnanak-nak sa kagandahan eh kulang na nga lang eh mag-split akembang at mag-leg raise sa harapan niya para lang mapansin.

I have taken him under my wings for mentorship pero parang isang malaking pader lang ang tingin niya sa aken. Nakikinig naman si kuya tuwing may mga cherva at super may-I-follow naman siya sa mga kervang pinag-iimbento ko but then hanggang dun na lang. Once he steps out of my office, he’s a completely different person.

“I WANT HIM!,” chika ko kay Anna habang nakadungaw kami sa glass wall nang opis ko na para kaming mga street children na super ask nang mga tira-tirang lafanggus sa Jollibums.

“YOU CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING!”, talak naman ni ate.

Chinika ko kay Anna na willing naman akembang na magpaka-kabeetseena, willing kong igivesung ang lahat-lahat at willing kong isugal ang buong pagka-utash kez at isangla ang pinaka-aalagaan kong virginity (or what’s left of it) sa Cebuana Lhuillier pawnshop.

*

THE NEXT DAY

BERNZ: DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER WORK? WE ARE PLANNING TO ....

Best in interruptions.

MHW: AH. I HAVE SOMETHING GOING ON WITH MY …

BERNZ: AAAAAH. OKAY (sabay backflip, labas nang grand piano at singaling nang po-po-po-poker face po-po-poker face nang naka-split)

BERNZ: (hawi nang hair na hanggang talampakan) YEAH I KNOW … GIRLFRIEND DUTIES … SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN …

MHW: (zip nang laptop bagelyon, bitbit .. sabay) SORRY … BOSS … I HAVE TO GO … NAGMAMADALI EH ..

BERNZ: AH .. EH .. AH .. EH …. (labas si MHW .. sara si pinto) … JUST CALL ME BERNZ?

*

THE DAY AFTER THAT

BERNZ: (chika sa isang random agent) I GIVESUNG MO ITECKLANG IS-TAR-IS-BAKS KAY MHW. SABI MO MAY TREAT.

AFTER 2 MINUTES:

RANDOM AGENT: HE DOESN’T DRINK COFFEE DAW PO!

*

KINAGABIHAN SA FEZBUK:

BERNZ: DI NIYA AKEMBANG PINAPANSIN?

KIARA: TRY MONG MAG-BLUSH ON …. YUNG SA BODY SHOP ….

*

KINAUMAGAHAN

BERNZ: HI MHW!!!!

MHW: (DEAD AIR)

BERNZ: WHAT’S UP?

MHW: BOSS, DO YOU HAVE A FEVER OR SOMETHING? ‘COZ …. YOU’RE FREAKISHLY RED!

*

AFTER TWO HOURS SA FEZBUK:

BERNZ: PUNYETA KA!

KIARA: BAKET?

BERNZ: PINAGKAMALATAN NIYA KONG NAGDE-DELIRIO

KIARA: HAHAHAHA … NAG-BLUSH ON KA TALAGA?

BERNZ: AMPF! MABULOK NA SANA ANG MATRES MO HABANG BUHAY!

KIARA: CHE!

BERNZ: PUKI MO BLUE!

KIARA: HAHAHAH! I-FRIEND MO KAYA SIYA SA FEZBUK.

BERNZ: HARSH! SO STALKERISH NAMAN NANG DRAMA

KIARA: OKAY …. TRY MO NAMANG MAG PLUNGING NECKLINE … PAG HINDI PA REN GUMANA .. GAGAWAN KITA NANG BALL GOWN!

BERNZ: PUNYETA KA!!!!

*

Ang harsh harsh … parang in-grown lang na pinadugo nang manikuristang inaantok sa pagpepedicure ….

What else do I have to do to get his attention ….

*

LADY GAGA - MONSTER

ANG PAGBABALIK SA MALARS (PART 2. I AM CHANGING)

After few more rounds of nomuhan session eh nag decide na kaming mag-enter nang BED. Pero bago pa kami maka-shoyo may chinika si Rica, “Is that who I think it is?”

1 …… 2 …… 3 …. best in choreography …. sabay-sabay naman ang lingon nang mga bakla.

FRANCHESKA: OH!

CLAUDE: MY!

RICA: GOD!!!!

Sabay sight sa ‘ken ang mga veklores …..

Witchelles ko learn kung aneck ang eksena, okay fine may isang veklores na naka-darna costume na super dance at super rampa sa kalsada habang may-I-collect ng anda sa mga badinggerzie na nag-eenjoy.

RICA: Not her! HIM!

Sight ever naman akembang sa kung saanchienabelles naka-sight sina Rica just to make sense out of things.

Na-sight ko ang isang grupo nang kapamenchusan on their way to enter BED. At isa sa mga kapamenchusan eh ang isang lulurking pinilit kong burahin sa aking sa mga alaala at pati na ren sa aking mga wet dreams.

Pero napa-second-thirf-fourth glance akembang. Parang witchelles siya … pero siya. Ang laki nang pinagbago niya. But it all boils down to a *sigh* “Yup, it’s him!”

Yun na lang ang talak ko sa mga veklores. Suddenly, parang nawagtus ang lahat nang lakas sa shortawan kembang at parang bigla akez nakafeel nang dizziness na parang eynimomentz eh magdi-declare na lang akembang nang, “I think I’m pregnant!”

Bumalik akez sa pagkakaupo, witchelles learn kung anecklavu ang gagawen.

Witchelles kez na-anticipate na mangyayari ang ganitrix na eksena. Masyado naman yatang coincidence itembang.

After ten thousand years of not going to Malate, finally nagdecide akong iladlad muli ang kapa at muling rumampa for old times sake, then suddenly, masa-sight ko siya. Parang witchelles naman yata check itu.

“I don’t think na I can go in there,” chika ko sa mga veklores.

“Badette, don’t let him ruin our night! Anukaba. Kala ko ba naka-move on ka na,” talak naman nang baklang Rica.

Nag-jisep akembang nang slight. Corrected by naman si Rica, I won’t let this ruin the night.

So, finally, I was able to summon the courage to get in to BED.

Pag-josok na pag-josok namen eh parang naka-queue ang pag enter the dragon namen dahil bigla na lang tumili si Lady GaGa.

Ra . . . Ra … Ra … aah … aah
Roma… roma … aah … aah
Gaga … ooh .. la … la

Gagang-gaga nga! Isang malaking kagagahan itecklabernz.

I might have underestimated the Saturday night, kung anecklavu ang kinawagtus nang mga utawsingbelles sa labas eh yun naman ang ikina-plenty sa loob ng BED.

It’s exactly how it was … punung-punong pa ren nang mga veklores na hayuk sa pagparty.

Direcho na lang kami sa second floor for more space dahil pati yata ang super balingkitan kong shortawan eh witchelles kering makipagsiksikan sa baba.

More order na nang nomu at naloka naman ako sa mga waitrix, parang super forty eight years nga ang absence ko sa BED at ang mga waitrix eh nagsuper-thunder cats na … ang dating mga yummy-yummy na mga waitrix eh nagmukhang mga daddy-daddy na may pinapalaps na mga junakis morrissette.

Pero shempre eh witchelles naman kami nagpaawat at kulang na lang eh magproduction number kami to the tune of LADY GAGA!

Promise saulo talaga ng mga vekiloids pati ang steps …

As expected, rampa mode na ang Rica at ang Francheska na ayaw talaga magpaawat sa pagfi-fish while super senti mode lang kami ni Claudine sa bilog na couch sa second floor na kulang na lang eh lagyan mo nang salamin, nang mga kandila, bibliya at bulaklak eh altar na ang labas namin.

Super observe lang kami, with matching daot on the side and surprisingly, andaming familiar faces:

Si Duke, walang pinagbago, pokpok pa ren siya habang napapaligiran nang samu’t saring badette with all ages, shapes and sizes.

Si Kemerut na dating nakadukit ni BumBumKylie na parang at one time eh naka one-night-stand din ni Claude.

Si Lukring na dakilang freeloader na walang patumangga sa pakikipagsocialize na parang lahat na lang yata nang badezima past, present and future sa malars eh learn niya.

Si JB, na nabalitaan naming nakulong at one-time dahil sa more push ever ng Vitamin Nye as in nyekstasy.

After three glasses of vodka redbull. Suddenly eh I was transported in time, same place, same night. It occurred to me, this was the lifestyle that I used to want, the lifestyle that I used to like. Nagpapakashukamatay akembang if I miss one Saturday in BED. I was like an energizer bunny that keeps on going and going and going at kung makapagparty eh parang wala nang bukas. I used to know everyone there. And I have dreaded the fact na one day eh wala akong choice kundi maging isang old irritable faggot na mas pipiliin na lang na mag-cross stitch nang Hello Kitty kaysa mag party.

Shet! This is the time that I have hoped for so long not to come. I am nothing but an old irritable faggot na mas pipillin na lang mag-cross stitch nang Hello Kitty kaysa mag party. Pinilit ko mang tumayo at mag-enjoy. Gone were the days. I can’t find the party person in me. I have been reduced to nothing but a simple wallflower while everyone around me is partying their pinkish guts out.

Hindi ko kineri ang eksena, chika ko kay Claude aatak lang ako nang CR to make wiwi.

After ten thousand years in waiting-in-vain eh nagjosok din akembang sa nyiarette. Pinilit kong mawiwi dahil kung minsan eh may pagkashy-type si junjun pag na-eexpose sa public CR let alone sa CR ng Bed na walang concept nang privacy. So, super sight lang ako sa aquarium. May pamenchus sa tapat ko, nagbukas nang zipper at walang patumanggang iwinagayway ang kanyang junjun. In furness, keri keri naman ang junjun din kuya, walang konsepto nang pagiging shy. Dahan-dahang gumapang ang aking paningin sa shortawan ni kuya hanggang masight kez ang fezing niya. Witchelles niyang napapansin na nakasight akembang sa kanya dahil super sight lang siya sa junjun niya.

OMG! It’s him.

Si Varsity Captain.

All night eh I was wishing na witchelles ko siya makita sa loob nang BED at nyeta! Sa CR lang pala kami magkikita.

Hindi ko na pinilit si junjun magperform, tinaas ko na ang zipper ko at SHEEEEEEEEEEET! Napatili akembang bigla at napatalon nang slight dahil najipit si junjun. Makyoket ng fatalle.

Naloka si Varsity Captain sa kabilang side nang aquarium at napasight siya sa ken.

Napasight din akembang sa kanya, biglang nawagtus ang pain ni junjun.

Through na cloudy waters nung aquarium sa CR nang Bed eh muli kaming nagkatitigan. Iniisip nang isa’t isa kung isa lang ba itung malaking guniguni.

Deadma. Nagmamadali akong nagmay-I-go-out sa CR, then direcho labas. Baba nang stairs and walkathon nang fast pabalik sa kanto nang Orosa.

Halfway pa lang akembang eh nahearsung ko ang boses niya …

“Bernz!”

Deadma.

Walkathon na pang 3K pa ren ang drama.

“Benz!”

Another.

But this time, he was much closer. Super closer dahil naramdaman ko na lang ang kamay niya sa balikat ko.

Napahinto na ko sabay about-face.

“Oh! Hi! There!” with matching kolehiyala smile.

Bet ko sanang ganon na lang ang eksena kez pero witchelles.

Witchelles ako naka-spluk.

Naka-smile naman siya.

“Ano? Kamusta ka na? I am so happy to see you here. Who are you with? Kanina ka pa?”

Andami niyang tanong, witchelles ko knowing ko anechlavu naman ang una kong sasagutin.

Deadma pa ren!

Para akong nasa twilight zone. Parang for a moment eh nagblack out ako. Naging bulag-pipi at bingi.

Pinagmasdan ko siya. Anlaki nang pinagbago niya. He looks so much older. He lost weight. Nawala ang freshness. Dry ang skin. But his eyes are still the same. Nanunusok pa ren hanggang kaibuturan nang pagkatao.

At one point eh naisip kong magpanggap na ibang tao o kaya magpanggap na nagka-amnesia ako, parang mga storyline sa soap opera, pero napa-ikmyle na lang ako sa thought.

Marami siyang sinasabi pero wai akez naiintindihan as if he’s talking in a foreign language.

Hanggang may isang vecky na lang ang tumawag at lumapit sa kanya. Hiniwakan ang kamay niya at hinila papasok nang BED.

“I’ll see you inside!” chika niya habang papalayo.

Smile pa ren ako na parang mongoloid lang.

At that point eh parang nawala ang lahat nang tao sa paligid ko. Nawala pati lahat nang sounds. I was alone in a dark, dirty alleyway sa Malars. Lost. And above all isolated.

I didn’t expect that that night would end up so melodramatic.

Ginetching ko ang nyelpi ko then I texted Claude.

“FLY NA!”

*

"I am Changing" - Jennifer Hudson


Change is inevitable. Majority of people have this common fear … THE FEAR OF CHANGE.

We will have to CHANGE at point in time. Pwedeng sooner …. Pwedeng later. Depende na lang kung gaano tayo kadali mag-adapt at masanay sa mga pagbabago.

But ideally, CHANGE should always be for the better.

And one very critical part of accepting change is “moving on” and letting go of the old, the “had beens”, the “used to’s”.

If you get stuck in the past. Change will not happen.

ANG PAGBABALIK SA MALARS (PART 1. LUMA’T BAGO)

Gumetching akez nang shoxibelles.

“Orosa-Nakpil po!” chika ko kay manong driver, with matching flip nang hair, miss universe wave at sparkling eyes.

45

46

47

48

years in the travelling portion.

Habang nasa shoxiebelles eh bigla naman ako napamuni-muni. Ang truthfulness eh may slight excitement akong nafi-felt dahil una’t higit sa lahat eh finally, I’m going out again. Honestly, for the past few years, my idea of a night-out eh hang out with heterosexual office friends, go to a casual hetero bar somewhere in eastwood or timog, not during the weekends, sit outside, smoke, drink, rant and make daot other heterosexual people. Feeling ko, with my new kind of lifestyle eh I lost my appetite to party.

Pangalawa’t higit sa lahat eh magkakasight-sight na namin kami nila Claude, Rica and Francheska sa isang lugar na halos humubog nang kabaklaan namen.

I thought for myself, haves pa ba nang “old” badinggerzie in me? Learn ko sa sarili kez na I have changed a lot, kung minsan nga eh witchelles ko na ren marecognize ang sarili ko kung minsan.

So, in short, may halong takot at pangamba ang excitement kez sa muling pagbabalik sa Malars.

Naputol na lang ang pagmumuni kez nang chumika si manong driver nang “San po dito?”

Naloka naman akez, nasa panulukan na pala kami nang Nakpil at Orosa. Sumight muna akembang sa kaliwa, sa kanan, sa front, sa back, sa up, sa down … at parang betchay kong ishornong kay manong driver kung sure ba siya?

Nag-decide na kong bumaba nang masigurado ko sa sarili ko na nasa Malars na nga ako. Ang ikinakaloka ko eh lost in space ang mga utash, thinking na it was almost 1 AM na nang makarating akembang, it was a Saturday night, and it’s payday pa. Nasaan ang mga veklores?

Naaalala ko pa nga dati eh witchelles na nga nakakaabot yung mga shoxiebelles sa mismong orosa dahil sa fatalle na traffic dahil sa mga nagkalat na sangkabaklaan na walang patumangga sa pagrampa galore na akala mo eh everyday is a Fashion Week.

But then last night, eh iba talaga. Siguro witchelles lang akembang ang nagbago … pati na ren ang malars eh nagbago.

Eyniways, nagwalk na ko nang slight, may mga mangilan-ngilan pa rin namang mga veklores ang nasa labas, ang mga clones with the well-fixed-taas-taasan portion ng hair, body-fitting shirts and skinny jeans.

Nakarating ako sa BED, just to check, pero washington DC ding pila. Derm.

Umatak muna akembang nang Sonata para magwaitsiva sa mga primadonang mga veklores para na ren we can have our “pre-BED” drink and to catch up sa mga kanya-kanyang eksena sa buhay.

I just realized na may hawak pa kong cup ng istarbaks dahil kagigising ko lang and what other better way should you start you’re amazing day but drink coffee first and then follow it with vodka. So tinalak ko ang favorite malars drink kay kuyang waiter. I haven’t had vodka red bull in echelons.

Dumating din si Claude after a few minutes.

Chikahan-chikahan …. Kamustahan-kamustahan …. Dautan-dautan, then super order siya nung “gilbey’s” premium cherva with green tea chervalou na nung pinashikman sa ‘kin ni Claude eh lasang scented candle. Chaka!

Then, dumating na ren si Rica followed by Francheska. Francheska got his beer, I got another vodka … and Rica got her Bolognese …. opkors .. lafang kung lafang itu.

In furness eh freshness pa ren naman ang beauty ni Rica, pero haves nang something eh … pinisil ko ang cheekbones ni bakla … at check! Collagen kung collagen ang labanan.

At shempre, super deny naman ang kumare ko sabay may-I-flash siya nang kanyang bagong watch na kulang na lang eh idukdok niya yun sa fezlack ko.

Isang pabulus na technomarine na gift raw nang friend. Mahaliya Jackson daw yun. Derm! As usual meron na naman Intertropical Convergence Zone na nagaganap nang mga sandaling iyon. Ganun lang talaga si Rica, likas na sa kanyang daigin ang bagyo sa lakas ng hangin.

Oh well, shempre nag-asim-asiman si Claude, kiver daw sa Technomarine eh mukha namang swatch dahil sa rubber na bracelet.

More chikahan, parang ang mga friendiva ko eh ganun pa ren. Parang I was transported to a time, five or six years ago at that exact same place.

Si Francheska, ganun pa ren, hopeless romantic at pag-ibig pa ren drama sa buhay. Pero ang wrong nga lang according to Rica, eh wala talaga siyang magiging pag-ibig dahil sa kapokpokan niya.

After few more rounds of nomuhan session eh nag decide na kaming mag-enter nang BED. Pero bago pa kami maka-shoyo may chinika si Rica, “Is that who I think it is?”

1 …… 2 …… 3 …. best in choreography …. sabay-sabay naman ang lingon nang mga bakla.

FRANCHESKA: OH!

CLAUDE: MY!

RICA: GOD!!!!

Sabay sight sa ‘ken ang mga veklores …..

To be continued …

*

Maraming bagay ang nagbabago. Chika nga ng super gasgas na kasabihan, “The only permanent thing in this world is change.”

May mga utawsingbelles na kusa na lang nagbabago dahil sa iyon ang pinaka-natural na bagay na gawin.

Haves naman nang mga napipilitan magbago dahil bet nilang mag-improve.

Meron ding go lang nang go at kahit na anung sarap nang luma eh kelangang palitan, kelangan talagang magbago …. para na ren makalimot at witchelles maisip ang mga masamang alaala.

Pero kung minsan, kahit na anung gawin nating pagbabago eh pilit pa ren tayong bumabalik sa lumang tayo.

Baket?

Witchelles ko learn!

ANG PAGBABALIK SA MALARS (PRELUDE)

Kung magt-three years na ang beauty kez sa pangkasalukuyan kong workikay eh ibig sabihin ay almost 3 years na ren akez umaatakchinabelles nang Malars!

If I remember it right January '07 ang last kong Malars experience.

Wit ko learn kung aneck ang pumasok sa utak ko pero suddenly, I felt like going to BED this Saturday.

So ... open ng fezbuk at may-I-hunting kay Claude:

Bernz: psssst

Claude: ano na? injanera!

Bernz: nisaan ka? sinung injan?

Claude: sa laguna .... "See you on the 19" ... pwe ... jijiera!

Bernz: aaahh ... i apologize ... di na talaga ako nakabalek ...bizi talaga e

Claude: simpleng text dba, ala ... pero carry on

Bernz: bawi na lang ako ....

Claude: yeah, whatever

Bernz: wala ka bang balak .... any time next week?

Claude: ano reli? il be in mla this saturday

Bernz: promise ... totoo na toh ... i so want to go out din eh. super stressed.
anung exena mo sa saturday?

Claude: me and jowa will be meeting his friends in the day.
he gave me a go signal to go out after

Bernz: so .. "after" is from what time until what time?

Claude: hmm ... i think mey movie and dinner na magaganap tapos after nun pede na

Bernz: so what time nga itu?

Claude: bakit? pede ka sa sabado?

Bernz: 10? ... 11? .... 12?

Claude: baka ganyan .... lets say, pang bar.
sabi nya i can go anytime. hanggang 1 or 2 cya sa mla.
kung magkalakad ako, baka i commute na lang pauwi
uy, kakabasa ko lang ng text mo, hahaha

Bernz: naku

Claude: dami kong sinabi, naku lang reply mo, kaloka

Bernz: teka ... hahaha ... nanunuod kasi ako nang news .. saka naghugas ako nang fekfek. eyniways .. sige go ... pwede ako sa sat ... para sa isang wholesome night out

Claude: wholesome night out ... kakaloka

Bernz: baket naman?

Claude: at anong meron sa isang wholesome night out?

Bernz: booze free --- heterosexual venue ...hahahhaa .... choz ... why ..? wanna go to BED ba?

Claude: naku, minsan lang ako ulet ako makarampa, gusto ko naman mapalibutan ng mga bakla .... please .....
hahahaha

Bernz: k fine .. so anu nga? malars?
kyeri ... itext mo na si RICA!

Claude: already did, antay na lang ng reply

Bernz: excited (?) proactive ka ha. di na lang ako papasok sa sat .. yan ha

Claude: uhm .... tignan muna natin sa sabado ang kaganapan, hahahaha .... IF you show up :P:P

Bernz: aynaku ... ako na nga nag aya .... pwede bang magsama nang date?
hahahaha

Claude: go ahead ... why not .
text mo na rin si KIARA ... pero tinext ko na pareho

Bernz: kanina ko pa tinetxt si KIARA .. wa sa pagkareply.
may nakabaon siguro
hahaha

na-download mo na yung buong FAME MONSTER?

Claude: uu ... pero nde ko pa napapakinggan

Bernz: buong araw kong pinapaulet ulet .. hahahah

Claude: il have time soon enough, hahaha

Bernz: true

Claude: naloloko pa ko sa plants vs zombies

Bernz: okay fine
txt txt na lang sa sat

Claude: kere!

I don't know if this is the right decision or what ... but 'che! what the hell .. i deserve a GAY NIGHT OUT ... haven't done this for the LOOOOOOONGEST time ....

And besides ... I'll go ahead and be brave enough to ask MR. HELLO WORLD out ...

Witchelles ko learn ang mga magiging kaganapan ...

WISH ME LUCK!!!

Hello Philippines! and Mr. Hello World!

Bago ang lahat ... eh betchay ko munang pasalamatan ang all-time favorite kong blogger-extraordinaire na si Mcvie for giving me a very very warm welcome .... with his "The Comeback Queen (Amidala)" entry ...

Naloka naman akey ... at parang bet kong magcollapse nang ma-readsung ko itez ... thanks McVie!!! I owe you coffee!!!

Okay .. so moving forward:

"Inday! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Isa lang ang masasabi ko! Mahirap na -- digital na ang karma ngayon!"

Itechlavu ang talak sa akin ng baklang Claude habang super chat kami sa fezbook. Witchelles na kami madalas nagkakasight-sight nang veklus simula nung nagdecide siyang mag-alsabalutan "for good" (raw) at lumipat sa Timog Katagalugan para magsettle with Prince almost two years ago.

Siguro eh plentibelles na ren naman ang nag-evolve sa 'ming magfe-friendiva.

Si Claude na dating "one of the greatest sluts" there is eh nanalig sa salitang "pag-ibig" at nahugasan ang lahat nang kaasiman sa katawan at nagdecide na magpakapasweet na dadaigin pa ang panutsang ibinabad sa kumukulong arnibal.

Si Kiara naman eh nakapag-open na nang sariling boutique at gownshop sa may taft.

Akez ... ang dakilang badinggerzie eh nagpapakaalipin sa outsourcing industry ...

At si Rica .... eh ganun pa ren ...

Eyniwayz ... yung gabing yon eh naichika ko kay Claude ang eksena kez sa isang bagong saltang menchus sa office.

Unang beses ko siyang na-sight eh nung nakipagsiksikan akez sa elevator dahil late na akembang sa isang meeting. Pinagkasya ko talaga ang balingkinitan kong shortawan sa mga utawsingbelles sa loob mireseng maipit na akez nang elevator doors. Stomach in ang drama.

But wait ... eynimomentz eh may nafelt akez na kakaibang sensasyon sa bandang likuran. Derm! Siguro cellphone lang. Pero kakaiba siya eh ... kumikibot-kibot ... tumitibok-tibok .... Derm another! Siguro cellphone na nagva-vibrate.

Hanggang sa bumukas ang elevator.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!" Talak ng mga utawsingbelles sa likod na akala mo eh wala nang bukas. So step out ako to give way maski witchelles pa yon ang floor ko. Mega step out din yung menchus sa likod ko. Nagkasight kami while giving way to the others.

Ngumiti siya sabay nod.

Deadma naman akez. Di ko siya learn.

So shosok another. Slight nalurkey naman akembang dahil may limang utawchinabelles ang nag-exit sa elevatrix pero pag enter kez eh sinisiksik pa ren akembang nung menchus. Derm!

Siguro umiiral na naman ang pagiging damaera kez. Nasanay na akembang sa damaera feeling kez. Itecklavu ang effect ng dry season for the longest time ... feeling mo eh lahat ng menchus na makadaupang-palad mo eh bet nang kachervahan right there and then!

After one floor ... "Excuse me! Excuse me!" Talak na naman nang mga utawsingbelles sa likod. So exit na naman akembang na parang crew ng Jollibee at kulang na lang eh chumika akong "Thank you for coming! Come again!". Exit din naman ang menchus. Again ... ikmyle-ikmyle .. this time .. nag-ikmyle na akembang out of politeness. Pero isang weird and creepy smile na parang eynimomentz eh feeling mo eh titigbakin ka nang utaw na iniis-smylan mo.

Enter the dragon again.

Until finally nakarating na ako sa floor ko. After all the starts and stops ... mas mabilis pa yatang nakarating ang LRT sa baclaran station noh.

So exit na akembang dire-direcho sa conference room. Witchelles ko na nasight ang menchus.

Pag-enter kez sa conference room eh nagpalakpakan ang lahat nang utaw na parang mga audience sa wowowee ... feeling ko eh umenter akembang bilang isang candidate ng Miss Earth ready for the swim suit competition hanggang sa narealize kong witchelles pala akembang ang pinapalakpakan.

Plenty ang utaw .. siguro mga around 30-40 in a conference room that could only sit 20 people.

Na-remember kong ang eksena pala eh isang welcoming/orientation session for the onboarding new supervisors that were externally hired dahil sa mega over harsh na pagramp for the fourth quarter peak season.

"Anung eksena," bulong ko kay Anna, isang tenured supervisor-slash-rampadora na kakabugin pa ang mga pole dancers sa suot na knee-high boots, fishnet stockings at super pukiy skirt.

"They are introducing themselves ..." chika ni Anna.

"Gaga! Anung eksena nang suot mo? May production number ka ba?", chika kez dahil naloka naman talaga ako sa outfit ng ate ko na parang eynimomentz nga eh magsu-super jump sa conference table at bigla na lang mag-split!

"Hindi ka na nasanay dyan," sagot ni Juan, isa ding tenured supervisor na parang kababata ni Bob Marley with all that dreadlocks and avaratheng.

Hanggang sa bigla ko na lang narinig ang namesung ko from OD (Ops Director pero pede ding Over Dosed ... hahahaha), "And please meet Bernard, one of the most awesome managers in our campaign ..."

Awesome daw ..... sabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ba naman! Sige nga spell "awesome" ... echos!

Then ... lahat ng utawsingbelles ... old and new fezlacks .... eh biglang na lang super-sight sa 'ken. Para naman akong bawang na biglang namula habang ginigisa kasama ng mga sibuyas. Teka! Witchelles naman akez mestiza ... so nag-golden brown ... keri na yon.

"Hi!!!!!!!"

At yun lang ang nasabe ko with matching Miss Universe wave.

Witchelles naman akembang prepared.

"Carry on ..." chika ko na lang kay OD.

"May boylet ba?" chika ko another kay Anna.

"Naku! Asa ka pa! None so far!", talak ni Anna. Parehas kami ni Anna, we belong to the "Oh My Single Ladies" Club na kinabibilangan ng mga utawsingbelles na hayuk sa laman!

So kada may bagong salta, the ultimate question is .... "May boylet ba?"

And then, bumukas ang pinto ng conference room at may nagchikang "Sorry, I'm late ..." with a very deep and modulated voice na parang si Ray Langit lang.

"ohhhhh! Hello there!", bulong ni Anna sa 'ken referring to the guy who just stepped in. "Oh! Bernz! Just in time for your question."

Super sight naman ako kay kuya. Shet! Siya yung menchus sa elevatrix.

"Hello Philippines and Hello WORLD!", bulong ulet ni Anna, habang super focused ang sightness sa pantalon ni Kuya na para nga namang may ibinaong kuting.

That time lang nabuo ang image niya sa ken. He has this "emo" hair going on ... na neat pa ren namang tingnan, with all the bangs and with all the waves. White long sleeved polo na naka-tuck-in sa jeans. Broad shoulders, nice chest ... walang beer belly .... construction worker itu ... echos ... mukha lang talaga siyang fit. And yes .... the "Hello Philippines and Hello WORLD" na eksena sa pants niya na pinagkamalan kong nagva-vibrate na cellphone sa elevator habang sumusundot-sundot sa likuran kong parang pati pagkatao ko na yata ay nasundut-sundot!

Bigla ko na lang nalunok ang laway na naipon sa ngangaboo ko.

He was asked to introduce himself ... in furness ... plakado ang ingles ni kuya! Nalearnchie namin na galing siya sa isang benggang-benggang call center sa Makati. Hanggang sa nagpa-pirate siya. Almost five years na siya sa industry.

Hanggang sa nagtanong si Kristina, isa ding miyembro nang "Oh My Single Ladies" club. "Are you single?"

Shet! Para naman akong nalagutan nang hininga sa tanong na yon ... but of course ... I managed to stay alive for the answer .... and the answer was ...

"Nope ....", with all that smile and that one dimple sa kaliwang cheek.

At shet! Pwede naman na akong malagutan nang hininga at that mowmentzzzz.

"Damn!" chika ni Anna sa 'ken.

Later that day habang mukhang super bisi-bisihan sa mga reports ara per super fezbuk lang naman akez office ko eh kumatok si ETCH.

"Anu na bakla!", parang yun yung gusto kong bungad sa kanya. Pero derm, I still remained professional. It has been a week after that CR incident with ETCH, parang wala lang nangyare. I decided to keep it to myself ... pero siya naman eh parang naging extremely friendly sa 'ken.

Super enter siya sa office ko bearing gifts ... wahahaha ... He bought me coffee raw ... Nilagay lang niya sa desk ko habang supertutok pa ren akez sa farmville.

"By the way," chika ni ETCH. "For the new sups, you will be handling three of them ... si Carl, si Divine at si ... Mr. Hello World!"

Biglang napatigil ang pag-aararo ko sa aking plantasyon ng saging sa farmville.

"Wait! They will be under me?", tanung ko kay ETCH.

"yeah .. but that's .... just the three of them .... "

Blangkong fezlack ang response kez. Learn niyang may violent reaction akez sa tuwing witchelles akembang tumatalak at dahil na ren sa fact na super plenty ang ginagawa ko and I can't manage to take on new tasks ... panu na lang ang farmville ko!!!!

"...for the mean time ....." yun lan ang natalak niya sabay isquierda.

May magagawa pa ba akembang! And besides, chika ko na lang sa sarili kez ... look at the brighter side ... Mr. Hello World ... will be under me .... pede bang ... I'll go under him na lang ... I prefer to be the "bottom" eh .. wahahahaha ..... echoz!

Pero ... witchelles naman daw siya single ... wrong-kangkong!

So chika ko kay Claude sa fezbook: "Derm! Anu kayang feeling nang maging kabet?!"

Siguro mali ang pinagtanungan kez, shempre the inevitable answer from a person who has been in a long term relationship for almost three years eh violent:

"Inday! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Isa lang ang masasabi ko! Mahirap na -- digital na ang karma ngayon!"

SI ETCH ....

Witchelles ko talaga learn kung lulurki ba o badet itong si ETCH. Parang sa tinagal-tagal na panahong nagpakabuhay sirena aketch eh witchelles pumalya ang gaydar kembang. Sa sobrang strong ng gaydar kez eh 48 kilometers palang ang isang badez eh nai-ikmelanie marquez ko na ang kalansahan nang hasang nitu. Pero si ETCH …. Isa siyang malaking tandang pananong para sa akin.

Nnung pagjosok kez sa call center ara, 3 years ago, bilang isang dakilang agent eh isang level 1 munejer na tong si ETCH.

Noon pa lang eh slight kras ko na siya. Slight lang at witchelles naman yung mega over kras na kras. Yung mga tipong pag nasightsiva mo siya eh mapapatili ka na lang ng eee …. At witchelles eeeeeeeeeeeee. At munejer siya noon at akembang eh isang dakilang ahente lang so witchelles kez naman bet magpakaambisyosa non dahil sa bagong salta lang akembang.

Pero sa present tense eh parehas naman na kaming level 3 munejer so patas na lang labanan. Pero witchelles talaga sumagi sa kukote kong karirin siya kasi nga parang may wrong talaga sa kanya.

Anyway, kagabu eh super suberamba akembang sa 711 sa ground floor. Although madaling araw na eh parang palengkeng may midnight sale dahil sa plentibums ang mga callcenter utawtsinabelles na ang tanging kaligayahan ay ang mabilis na paghithit ng suberamba sa loob nang kanilang labinlimang minutong breaks.

Pag pinagmasdan mo ang paligid eh samu’t saring mga utawsingbelles ang masa-sight mey. May mga thundercats na parang napaglipasan na nang panahon but still courageous enough na jumosok sa isang industriyang pag-jugets.

Meron ding mga lulurking konyi-konyito ang drama na parang witchelles nakokyorkod sa pag bobongglis na hanggang sa mga break time eh bongglisan pa ren nang bongglisan.

Haves naman ng mga lulurking parang witchelles nalelegis at parang maaasim ang mga singit, yung mga tipong masa-sightsiva mo sa inuman sa kanto-kantong lawlaw ang salawal, may mga over biggie tattoo all over, at sabog-sabog na hairdums na parang susukuan nang Pantene PRO V.

At of course intercourse golfcourse eh witchelles mawawagtus ang presence ng mga badinggerzie.

Shempre anjan ang mga pasoshal na badette na parating may hawak na cup ng starbucks kahit na refill na lang galeng sa nescafe vendo ang laman.

Anjan din ang mga pagirlitas patatas na parang wala nang bukas para mkapagmujer with their plunging neckline, killer stilletos and avratheng.

At ang mga paminta . . . . . BAW!

No doubt namang uber daks ang populasyon ng mga Vecky Belo sa call center. Iba’t ibang uri ng mga VECKY – lantad, di-lantad, closeta, confused, trying hard, babaeng bakla, etc. etc. na parang wala din talagang nagbago sa mundo kez. Napapaligiran pa ren akembang nang sangkatutak na veklores all over.

Anyway, habang bising-bisi akembang sa pagbibilang ng mga vecky eh bigla kong nahearsung ang sikmura kez …

GROOOOOOWL …. Sabe ba naman! Witchelles itey dahil sa may nasight akembang na nakakasulasok na bagay but because of the pesto na nilafang kez na sa sobrang ka-patay-gutum kez eh lumafyus nang lumafyus kahit na feeling kez eh shunis na itembang.

GROOOOOOOOOOOOWL … sabe ulet ng sikmura kez at this time eh much longer na parang may recital na nagaganap.

So, iskrang akembang papasok nang buildingbums.

Ang nakakalokang factor eh kelangan ko pang jumokyat nang escalator paatak nang second floor to get to the elevators na forty eight years in the travelling portion.

Parang witchelles keri!!! Witchelles!!!! Witchelles dahil eynimomentz eh babagsak na ang bomba sa hiroshima!

At witchelles ko naman betchay na mayurakan ang pagkatao kez kung maabutan akembang ng Ernie Baron habang super rendezvous.

Buti na lang eh naalala kembang na may nyiarette sa ground floor na witchelles masyadong nagagamit. So, mega atak akembang with fast-paced baby steps na parang may malaking patola s apagitan ng mga binte kez.

So go-go-go sago ang labanan. Pagjosok kez, as expected, walang utaw so direcho akez sa isang cubicle. Hubad nang shontolon, hubad nang briefany, upo at …..

Imaginin nyo na lang ang sound …..

Parang nakita ko ang imahen nang birheng maria nang makaraos ako at naparecite ako nang tatlong Hail Mary sa pasasalamat!

But then wrong kangkong kingkong! Waing toilet paper!

Puking-inang-pansit-eating-muder-paker-shet! Parang betchay ko nalang i-flush ang sarili ko sa inidoro.

Shumoyo akez nang nakababa ang shontolon at briefany. Dahan-dahan kong jinuksan ang shintuan nang cubicle at super silip sa labas … to the right …. To the left …. To the up …. To the down …

So … lumabas akembang ng cubicle.

Pano ko huhugasan ang kipay ko da ‘vah?

Taboo? Ang out of this world ng ideya na may tabo don …

Shet!!

But then no, may na-sight akong bote ng mineral water sa lababo.

Keri na yun!

Nilagyan kez ng borbeg ang botelya, balik nang cubicle – ang kyoho – wash.

Shuyo … getching ng borbeg another … balik sa cubicle …. Wash.

Hanggang sa nasatisfy na kong back to freshness ang kipay ko at all along shempre eh super jingle bells lang si junjun.

So keri na …

Lumabas na akembang ng nyiarette but then paglabas na paglabas ko pa lang ng shintuan aver eh bigla na namang nagmarakulyo ang sikmura kez. So join akez another inside na nyiarette.

Pero before pa akembang makaatak sa cubicle eh nag-open-sesame ang pintuan ng isang cubicle.

Bigla akong namutla na parang kinilaw sa suka.

Yung fact na may utaw sa nyiarette eh ikinatumbling, ikinacartwheel at ikinasigaw ko nang “CONGGGGGGGGGGGRATULATIONS!!! PALAKPAKAN!!!”

May lumabas na menthol na nag-aayos pa ng zipper at butenes nang shuntolon. Witchelles pa niya akembang napansin dahil stop-dance nga ang drama ko.

And then … halos mahulog ang bahay bata kez nang may lumabas na another menthol sa cubicle.

Napasight sa aken si menthol number 2 at parang nasight niya ang multo ni Tiya Dely.

Ang isang malaking tandang pananong ay biglang naging isang malaking exclamation point! Two exclamation points to be exact with matching special characters shift+123456789.

Si ETCH …… isa palang malaking ETCHOSERANG FROG!

BADINGGERZIE RETURNS!!!!

Define 48 years? Yes ... it has been so long since the last time nang chumika ako ditey sa blogsiva na itey. Sobrang plentibelles arabelles din ang mga naganap sa life ever kez. Maraming kiyemeng everloo ang nagbago ever. Betchay ko mang ichika ang everything eh parang aabutin yata nang siyam-siyam ang talakan portion kung magka ganon.

In fairness naman sa everybody eh siguro mas kyeri na givesungan ko lang kayez nang konting catch-up from my last entry.

Pero bago ang lahat eh betchay ko munang mag-ask ever nang forgiveness dahil medyo may giraffe factor akembang sa pagspluk ngayon in the "badinggerzie" way with all that 48 years without being badinggerzie and all pero I will try my best para naman witchelles kayez malukresya kasilag ever.

It has been almost 3 years, nagsarado ever ang pinagwoworkikayan kong events/ad agency. Ang boss kong dakilang pugita nang ilog Pasig na si Ursula eh kelangang magflyuk sa estates due to some important kachervahan.

At that point eh waibelles akeng ibang choice ever kundi ang mag searchaloo nang ibang workikay or else eh baka kung saanchienabelles na lang kami julutin ara nang shufatembang kez.

Hanggang sa naicipan kong jumosok ara sa isang call center sa Libis bilang isang dakilang call center agent.

YES! Siguro nga totoo ang chikang "in times of desperate needs .. we need to do desperate measures" -- as in super wai akez na mashosukang permanenteng workikay before that. More on raket here .. raket there .. raket everywhere na lang but then .... may mga moments na waing raket ... at kung waing raket eh for sure ... what follows eh waing andabelles ... waing andabelles means purita gonzales ... at kasunod nang pagiging purita gonzales eh iskwuala lumpur ang labanan. Di ko naman keri yun noh.

Sa simula eh jinisip ko lang na transition job ang pagiging call center agent -- di naman masama ang paysung kaya kering-keri lang at parang usung-uso siya, witchelles ko naman yatang bet mapawala sa uso da vars? Pasok na pasok ang kembarutay nang balingkinitan kong katawan -- good thing at wala pang one year ... eh na promote na ang beauty kez ... (dinaan lang sa pagiging balingkitan) at dahil jan! nag-arrive sa aken ang thought na kering-keri ko na itong karirin .... as in long time karir! Anufangabur ... so kinarir ko na talaga.

Ngayon lang jumosok sa kukote kong buhayin ulit si badinggerzie. Well, right now, I took may long vacation for the first time after two years, so umuwe muna akez sa mudarala kez sa province aver. Isang gabi, habang naghahalungkat ever akez nang mga oldies na gamit eh nasigtsiva ko ang isang printed manuscript nang "THIRD SEX IN THE CITY", sa sobrang wala kong magawa eh super readaloo lang akey hey hey.

I realized ... magaling pala akong magsulat! ECHOZ!

Witchelles lang yon but then, naalala ko ang mga readers na sangkabaklaan, ang mga veklores na nakakarelate sa mga kagagahan ko sa buhay at naalala ko rin ang masalimuot at mala-soap opera kong buhay.

Then I decided ... why not write as BADINGGERZIE again?

I guess it's about time para chumerva ulet ... marami pa reng mga kaganapan ang dapat na i-share at kelangang IPAGPATULOY ang laban para sa KABAKLAAN.

So ... anu sa palagay nyo????

(now, if you're new to the site ... ang pinakabonggang-bonggang gawin eh read through the past journals .. enjoi!!!)

EASY COME ... EASY GO part 2

Witchelles ko felt ang mga ganitrix na drama. So mega habulan portion na nga sa kalagitnaan ng madaling araw sa kahabaan ng Makati Ave.

Parang may Takbo para sa Kalikasan na nagaganap. Nauuna si Charles, then sumusunod lang sa kanya si UPboy at may-I-follow naman akey kay UPboy at meha-follow naman sa aken si payatollah-kumeyni.

Hanggang sa nag-turn sila sa isang corner.

Pagkaturn ko naman eh nakasalubong ko na lang si UPboy na pajolik na. Mega-ask akey hey hey hey kung nasaanchinabelles na si Charles. At ang chika niya eh may-I-para na ng shoxiebelles at umiskrang!

Harsh!

'Ni witchelles man lang daw sila nagkabersahan.

Tumalikod na agad akez habang ineefort pa ni UPboy na chikahin akey. Pero derm!
Habang sumushokno palayo kay UPboy at kay payatollaj-kumeyni eh ginetching key ang nyelplaks ko to text Charles: NASAN KA NA?

MESSAGE SENDING FAILED . . . . . sabeeeeeee ba naman ng nyekplaks key!

Pukinginamesh!!!!!

Sa minalas-malas ba naman?!

I needed to get my phone loaded. Super shokbo akey to the nearest convenience store. Paggetching ko naman ng walley kez eh washington akong nasight na adez . . . . imberna!

Narealize kong naconvert na sa vodka ang lahat ng adez key hey hey hey!

So megarendezvous na naman akey to the nearest ATM.

Punyeta! For the past fifteen minutes eh wai akez ginawa kundi shumokbo nang shumokbo na parang walang kinabukasan. MENTAL NOTE: Wala munang treadmill sa Slimmers World for this week.

Pag-aarive ko sa ATM eh . . . . wala namang adez ang machine.

So rendezvous na naman.

2nd ATM . . . . . eh wala pa ring adez . . . .

Nyeta! Hanggang narealize key na Saturday pala.

Nasuyod ko na yata ang buong Makati Ave sa kahahanap ng ATM na bet magluwal ng salapi. Nakaabot na akez ng Buendia pero . . . . . washington pa ren!

Biglang nagtext si Charles:

I DNT WANNA SAY BAD THNGS TO U PERO I CNT BLIV IT I SWEAR . . . . U RILLY WANNA
KNOW KNG ANU UNG NGYARI? . . . . SABI NUNG KAUSAP M DUN SA FRND KO NA NAGSEX
KAYO . . . AND U LEFT ME WTHOUT SYING ANYTHING NA MAGYOYOSI K LANG? I KNOW U SAW
ME BACK DER CUZ U STOPD . . . ANU IICPN KO SA YO NIAN EH MAY KSMA KNG IBA NON .
. . . =' (

WADDAF*CK!!!!

Shoot . . . . at that moment eh bukod sa pagjikot ng mundo ko dahil sa sipa ni Kylie, at bukod sa mamasa-masa kong likod na nagwe-wetdreams na dahil sa pawis . . . eh yung feeling na another person is completely out of his mind for thinking such things . . . . and you want to defend yourself dahil . . . . he's completely out of his mind nga . . . . simply illogical . . . then washington akong magawa. I almost gave up. Part of me says na . . . shumorlikod na lang akey . . . at magfly na at nang makajuwelyon na . . . . pero I'm not that type that can just walk away from things unless I can fix it the soonest possible time.

I noticed na may variables pa pala akez sa coat pocket ko. Binilang ko ang tiglilimang pisong variables. Enought to get me a load.
So . . . . run to death na naman sa 711.

Habang super run akez to 711 eh may shoxiebelles na juminto ara sa tabi ko.

"Is everything fine?" chika nung nakassakay sa taxi na nung masight kez eh si payatollah-kumeyni pala yung tumalak with UPboy.

"Nothing is fine at this moment!!!!! It is because of you and your filthy mouth! Go back to payatas and eat your 5 pesos lugaw!!!!!"





I wish I could've said that with matching flying kick, haduken and a Miriam Quiambao
smile. But I didn't. I'm more concerned to get a load and talk to Charles!

Then, another teksami from Lester:

I NID UR RPLY NOW . . . . =' (

"Wait lang! Wait lang! Wait lang! Wait lang!", chika ko sa phone ko habang pinagtitinginan akez ng mga utawsingbelles sa 711.

Derm!

At finally eh nakapagpaload din akey!

I made a 232 call dahil sa Globe . . . Posible!

BADINGGERZIE: Where are you? Let's talk. I'm here along Makati Ave, dazed, drunk and catching my breath. If you'd only know what I've been through for the past thirty minutes just for me to make this call.

CHARLES: I'm here in Kamagong at my cuz's place.

BADINGGERZIE: I'll go there. I can't settle this over the phone.

CHARLES: Let's just talk tomorrow.

BADINGGERZIE: Di pwede, Charles! I needed to settle this once and for all. Pupunta ako jan. I only have a limited load. Pupunta ako sa Shopwise and I'll wait for you there now. And I won't leave, kahit abutin pa ako nang tanghaling tapat, hangga't di mo ko sinisipot.

After the call, I hailed a cab.

Sa loob ng shoxiebelles eh naloka akez dahil . . . . . wala nga akong adez!

HARSH!

On the way to Kamagong, chinika ko na lang young shoxie druvang to stop kung may ATM siyang masa-sighteous dahil wala nga akong maipe-paysung sa kanya. SIguro naaawa din ang shoxie druvang dahil lukresia kasilag na nga ang drama ko with all the swearing and sweating!

Nakatatlong ATM kami . . . . . hanggang sa may natiyempuhan akong machine na nagluwal ng salapi.

Nang makarating akez sa Shopwise eh nag-aagaw na ang dilim at liwanag. Jumupo na lang akez sa sidewalk. Super teksami kay Charles na andoonchinabelles na akez.
I felt bad. Honestly, I cried a tear or two while sitting on that sidewalk. Witchelles ko learn kung baket. I guess dahil sa situation. It is too early for us to be having such a cataclysmic event. At ang nakakaimberna pa doon eh it's all circumstantial and speculation . . . .napakawalang saysay. I was out for fifteen fucking minutes . . . and suddenly I had sex na . . . . anu ako? Pusa?! . . . I cheated na raw and all that crap . . . . while the whole night eh he was out there . . . smooching around not only with payatollah-kumeyni, which reminded me not to kiss Charles again that night without disinfecting him and making him bathe in isopropyl alcohol, but with two other streotypes (hunkylicious-commonfaced-looking-for-a-quick-and-easy-lay-government-groupie-high-in-E-type). I didn't evem raise a single eyebrow. And now . . . . I'm the bad guy!

Habang super jisip sa mga pangyayari eh may-I-ask naman akey sa sarili key: What am I still doing there? I can just shove everything up to Charles' tight A . . . . and call it a night. If he could go ballistic for such a petty thing then . . . . what else could he go ballistic for?

But then, I still to explain. Kailangan kong marealize niya na what he did is not right. And not only he ruined my evening. He also ruined my respect for him.
After a couple of minutes . . . . he came with "I-was-cheated-I'm-feeling-bad-right-now" written all over his face.

"What happened there?" I asked the soonest time na jumupo siya sa tabi ko.

"Sinabi nung guy na kasama ko kanina na sinabi daw sa kanya nung guy na kasama mo na nakipagsex ka raw sa kanya."

"How could've that happened? me and the guy were together the whole time, outside, for fiteen minutes or so, nagyoyosi. Then, I went back, saw you . . . and you already have this face. So how can that guy, that I'm with, tell that stupid guy that you're with, na we had sex. Well unless that he is a telepath?! (Sigh . . . sabay iling ng ulo) Weren't you able to figure it out? It is very simple: The guy that you're with wanted to sleep with you. He'll do anything and say anything to discredit me. He made up this very absurd story . . . to get into your pants and unfortunately, sinakyan mo naman. The good thing though, is that, you didn't let himget into your pants."

He thought about what I said. It took him siguro mga around five minutes to let all the logic sink in. Until, he realized na tama ako.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad or angry . . . . . Hindi
ko alam kung anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa mga friends mo."

*

In normal circumstances, I would have let it just pass but i don't know if I've grown more stupid or wiser not being able to get into a steady relationship and get my heart broken so may fucking times . . . . . . because after that conversation . . . . I decided to put an end to whatever me and Charles have.

It was a major turn-off. Halitosis, seborrhea or crabs . . . . I could still handle and wouldn't be so much of a pain in the A . . . . but being plainly stupid. That is harder to handle.

Harsh na kung harsh, pero that was what came into my freaking mind.

I didn't stick it up to him that morning. I waited three days to convince myself kung bibigyan ko ba itu ng another chance or . . . . I'll just call it quits.

After three days . . . . I bought a CD of My Chemical Romance, he wanted that CD. I found that out nung nasa Music One kami sa Greenbelt looking for a gift for Rica. I met him, we had our usual dinner, gave him the CD and broke up with him.

The Bernard-Charles show was over. Maraming nanghinayang kasi nga naman, in fuhrness, he's definitely a good catch. Being being a good catch doesn't add up to so much as to just being a good catch, I'm looking for somebody who's more matured, who thinks outside the box and who would actually last for more than thirty thousand two hundred forty minutes.

And I hate to say the old adage: "EASY COME . . . . EASY GO!"

EASY COME . . . . . . EASY GO

"Anyway, pagdating kay Varsity Captain eh ibang usapan na 'yon. Katulad nga
nang nasabe ko before: malay ko, malay mo, malay nating lahat . . . . na this is
it . . . .this is really really it! It seems like I've been waiting for "tunay
na pag-ibig" all my life. At feeling ko eh si Varsity Captain na nga ang tunay
na pag-ibig na hinahanap-hanap ko. Well, well, well. Oo nga naman. Pwede 'nyo
ring ichika na nagpapaka-ilusyonada lang ako dahil iilang araw pa lang kaming
magkakilala ni Varsity Captain but the thing is . . . I'm feeling this tingly
feeling . . . these butterflies in my stomach . . . the spark in my eyes . . . .
the feeling of flying on the wings of love ala ate Reg . . . tuwing kasama ko
siya . . . kausap ko siya . . . ka-text ko siya . . . .iba talaga . . . as in .
. . ibang-iba. Parang everyday is a sunny Sunday morning."

ISA ITONG MALAKING CLICHE!

Tingnan nyo nga naman kung gaano akez kagaga! Yang mga katagang yan ang mga naisulat key mga isang taon na ren ang nakakalipas . . . . mga kagagahan sa paghahanap ng "tunay na pag-ibig". Nyeta! I don't believe in love anymore . . . . pero geto . . . same exact words ang namumutawi sa bibig ko . . . ngayong nakilala ko si Charles! Pero . . . . pero . . . . pero . . . invulnerable na akez ngayon. Alam ko for a fact na pwedeng Sweet November lang ang drama namin . . . . pang-thirty days. I like the bagets, I can't help it! Pero I vowed na I wouldn't invest so much when it come to emotions. Bwahahahahaha! The crying days were over. Enjoy lang 'til it last!

We were on outr third week 'nung birthday bash ni Rica. Three days bago yung Saturday na yon eh binagtas k oang kahabaan ng Taft sa katanghaliang tapat . . . . imaginin nyo na lang kung nakailang pahid akez ng SPF 40 . . . para lang masundo si Charles sa school niya. Shet! Kakayanin nyo ba ang eksena? May-I-sundo here, sundo there . . . sundo everywhere ang drama ko noh! Witchelles kong inakalang dadating ako sa puntong yon. Ang masculine ng drama da 'vah? Anyway, yung araw na yon eh nag-early dinner lang kami at chinika ko nga na siya ang date ko sa birthday ni Rica. Pagkatapos non eh naghanap lang kami ng chipipay na motmot malapit sa Rob's place para magdookit. Well, wala nang panahon noh. Witchelles naman nang keri na umatak pa sa balaychina ko dahil sa Pasig na ako nakatira . . . .witchelles naman ding kering umatak sa balaychina niya dahil sa far-away-Paranaque pa siya nakatira (with his lola and sister). Kaya't pag inabot ng kakatihan sa daan eh MotMot lang ang kasagutan!


Okay! Fast-forwarding na sa birthday ni Rica . . . .

That Saturday eh nagkita muna kami ni Charles sa Glorietta. Konting walk, super jisip kung anetch ang gift na kering i-givesung kay Rica. Then, dinner sa Cafe Bola, which I might say . . . is a must-to-eat place. Mukha lang siyang maharlika, pero naman, Margarita Fores will never fail you . . . yum yum. At morayta lang siya ha sa totoong buhay!

Napiga na halos ang mga utak namin ni Charles sa kajijisip kung anetchiwang gist ang proper kay Rica hanggang sa nainis na lang ako at nagdecide na bumili na lang wine sa Marks&Spencers . . . . murayta yung wine pero sosyal ang packaging! Haha!

Dapat sa BlueWave ang celebration, in time for the final day of the World Pyrolympics ecklavu . . . . but since lahat ng taxi na pumara sa amen eh chinichikang di na raw kami makakaalis ng buhay sa area na yon dahil sa sobrang plentibelles ng utash na parang trip to Mecca na ang labanan eh binorwagan ko na si Rica at chinika ang status ng shropikey hey hey hey! So . . . atak na lang sa second choice, which is Tiananmen.

Nauna na kami ni Charles. Medyo forty-eight years in the preparation kasi ang lola Rica ko na kasalukuyan pa yatang nagpapabotox nung mga oras na 'yon. So mingmingan lang kami ni Charles. Sa truthfulness lang eh pagmagkajoint kami eh I don't feel anything special. Witchelles ko learn kung dahil I'm in a defensive mode o dahil bland lang talaga ang combination namen. Not that sa witchelles kami nag-uusap or super boring ng momentzzzz namin together, in fact, super holding hands pa nga kami . . . pero ganun lang.. May kilig factor to the very very very very very slight level pero hindi umaabot sa tumbling and cartwheel level.

Mga 12 na nung dumating si Rica together with isang batallion niyang friends from the other side of his world. Dinedma ni Claudine ang event dahil witchelles daw niyang bet makipagnyostikan sa ibang friends ni Rica.

Nagsimula na ang celebration at piging kung piging ang labanan. Yung mga tipong lafangan marathon na parang bibitayin ka na sa susunod na araw. Tumagal-tagal pa ang lafangan at nomuhan session. May nafi-felt akong kakaiba kay Charles. Witchelles ko kearn kung naa-out-of-place siya o nabo-boredom siya o ano. Witchelles pa siya nagnonomo. Super try naman akong iaccommodate siya to get into the prgram pero parang witchelles nagwo-work. Bet niya eh kaming dalawa lang ang nag-uusap. Sa tuwing umiisquierda akey para jumipat ng pwesto or chumika sa ibang veklores eh may-I-sight siya sa akin ng masama.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm . . . . . . .

"Dito ka lang sa tabi ko," chika na naman niya sa akin.

Okay fine!

Hanggang sa witchelles na talaga ako umalis sa tabi niya.

"Gusto kong magdance . . . . " chika niya.

Chika ko naman na magdance siya okay lang naman na magdance sa Tiananmen at super keri pa ang music galore. Pero witchelles daw niya bet with matching sad face.

"Okay, punta tayo ng Government," bera ko.

"Wag na lang. Sige, dito na lang tayo," chika niya na halata namang galing sa ilong.

Nagpapapilet pa eh! Felt na felt ko namang kating-kati na ang katawan niya for a dance floor. Nagdesisyon na akey na pumunta na talaga ng Government.

"Sigurado ka ba? Sige ka? Pag pumunta tayo ng Gov baka may magflirt sa kin," sabi ba naman niya.

"O eh ano ngayon?! E di makipagflirt ka hanggang gusto mo. Nasa sa iyo naman yon eh."

"Sa palagay mo ba naman eh magpapaflirt ako?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Pero kung meron man, sabi ko nga, nasa sa iyo yon. Matanda ka na. Marunong ka nang tumingin ng tama o mali."

So, nagpaalam na kami sa mga veklores, susunod na lang daw sila sa Gov.

130AM na yon nang maka-arrive kami sa Government na more na ang utash. I got my drinks, ayaw pa reng nomomu ni Charles.

Nasightsiwara ko pa si McVie don at more on chikahan lang kami. Pinakilala ko ren sa kanya si Charles na ikinatumbling naman ng lola ko.

Hanggang sa hinayaan ko na lang si Charles at naupo na lang ako sa couch sa first floor. Di ko namalayan eh nakaborlog na pala ako at ginising na lang akey ni Rica with the other badinggerzies.

Umakyat kami sa second floor and more party galore na naman. Sa second floor eh nasight ko si Charles na may kachikahang payatollah-kumeyni na veklore na mukang social-climber dahihl super effort sa pag-iinglet. Pero deadma lang ang beauty ko. I don't feel threatened. Next level na ren ang ninonomu ko . . . super absolut kylie na ang labanan. Super chikahan at super dance lang kami sa second floor, sa may bar. Hanggang sa may lumapit sa akin at nakipagdance. Hinawakan niya ang isang balikat kez at nagpakilala . . . . Cedrik daw ang namesung niya. In fairness eh pamilyar ang mukha niya. Forty-eight years ko na siguro siyang nakikita sa Government.

"I finally caught you off-guarded," saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabe ba naman niya.

Smile lang ako.

Even though na hunkylicious siya . . . . sa truelili lang eh, di ko siya betchay.
Dance lang ako with him, pero yung mga tipong tinatamad na dance, for the sake of being polite. Hanggang sa may bumundol na lang sa akin at pag-sight ko eh si Charles, karay-karay yung social climber na payatollah-kumeyni na badette, pababa sa first floor.

Derm!

Dinispatcha ko na ren yung hunkylicious na Cedrik at proceed to the bar for more chikahan with the veklores.

After three more absolut kylies eh nasight kong nasa second floor na naman sila Charles.

Nagdecide akong lapitan ko na siya. Niyakap ko siya sabay kiss sa lips . . . para lang masight nung isang badette na nateritoryohan ko na siya. Hinalikan din naman niya ako.

Tapos eh hinayaan ko na naman siya. Mejo enggaloids na ren naman ako non. Super lean lang ako sa railings overlooking the dance floor sa baba.

"Baka mahulog ka . . . " may chumika sa 'kin.

"Imposible namang mangyari yon," sagot ko withtout looking at the personl.
Witchelles ko nang bet makipagkariran portion dahil uber enggaloids na akey hey hey hey hey na maski si Dennis Trillo pa ang humaltak sa akin at julikan akey hanggang sumirek ang araw eh dedeadmahin ko pa rin. And besides, I was there with Charles.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay. Thank you for asking."

"Lover mo yung kausap 'nung friend ko di ba?"

Aaaahh okay . . . . so friend pala siya ni payatollah-kumeyni. Pero mas magaling siyang mag-inglet ha.

Tumango lang ako.

"Care for a cigarette?"

"okay."

Sa smoking lounge lang sana kami pero narealize niyang wala pala siyang yosi. Lakas ng loob mag-aya noh? Inaya niya ako sa baba, para magbuysung ng yosi. Najiwan lang si Charles at yung payatollah-kumeyni na social climber sa shu-as.

So . . . . baba kami and buysung ng yosi sa labas.

Dun na ren kami nagsubey hey hey hey.

I didn't catch his name. Pero I learned na currently eh he's studying sa UP. So, we got into a conversation dahil sinabi kong grad ako ng UP. We had a nice talk sa labas. Pero hinestly eh walang halong libog yon. Di ko siya bet. More chikahan galore lang at ineeffort ko na ngang patiningin ang boses ko at papilantikin ang mga daliri ko noh para lang di siya magkainteres further.

Nakadalawang stick kami ng subaroo hanggang sa na-sightsiva ko na ang ibang veklores na friendiva ni Rica sa labas at paisquierda na raw sila. Nagpaalam na akey sa kachikahan ko at jumosok na sa Government.

Pagjosok ko eh sinalubong akey ni Rica, sabay chikang, "Bakla! Hinahanap ka ng asawa mo! Galit na galit. Nakipagsex ka raw?"

Ha?

Lumingon-lingon akey at napansin kong palabas ng byiarette si Charles. Pinuntahan ko siya agad para salubungin but then jumosok uli siya sa nyiarette . . . so josok din akey. Kinorner ko siya sa isang sulok at mega-ask kung anechiwa ang problema niya. Derm lang siya with matching titig na masama. Tinulak niya akey ng slight at umisquierda pa-exit ng nyiarette. May-I-follow na naman akey hanggang sa second floor. Umupo siya sa isang couch. Lumuhod naman akey sa harapan niya para kausapin ng masinsinan.

"What's up with you?"

"Nakipagsex ka no?" tanong niya with all the conviction ever!

Tumbling naman akey.

"Ha? Kanino naman?"

"Dun sa guy na kasama mo kanina . . . . "

"Ha? At paano naman? At saan naman kami nagsex? I was out for fifteen minutes . . . how far could we go?"

"I don't believe you."

Sabay walk-out.

Sinundan ko pa ren siya. Hanggang palabas ng Government.

Nakasalubong namin si UPboy . . . hinila ko siya. Witchelles ko learn kung baket . . . pero hinila ko siya . . .

Tinanong niya anetch ang problema.

Chinika ko na chinika ni Charles na nagdookit daw kami.

"I'll talk to him," chika niya.

Hanggang sa nagkaroon na ng habulan portion sa Makati Ave.


-2 be continued-

THINK POSITIVE

A night before Rica's big birthday bash . . . . .

"Bakla, di na ako nageenjoy . . . . " chika ni bakla habang nilalafang ang pangalawang whopper sa Wendy's sa Makati Ave.

"Baket naman?"

"Wala lang . . . everything seems to be superficial . . and empty. Parang walang sense," chika ni bakla with matching buntong hininga pa on the side. Witchelles ko lang learn kung ang buntong hininga eh dahil sa sama ng loob o dahil sa heaviness ng nilalapsalauriat niya.

Super sight lang ako sa friendiva ko for a minute. Jinijisip key kung anechiwa naman ang ichichika kez. I want to feel sorry for him pero parang di naman tama. Mas ma-ukani siya sa akin, mas maorwag ang estado ng buhay, at pagdating sa karera ng pag-ibig eh witchelles ko ren naman maichichikang mas lamang akembang eh pareho lang naman kaming zirowena kung tutuusin.

Naitalak ko na lang, "Bakla, exagerrated ka lang dahil alam mong tumatanda ka na."

"I'm tired of casual fucks . . . . . . I want to meet the right one . . . "

"Eh naghahanap ka naman kasi. Di ba katulad nga ng sabi nila . . . kapag pilit mong hinahanap ang isang bagay eh hindi mo makikita. At saka . . . saan ka ba nagbababad para makapaghanap ng right one? Sa Bed? Sa Government? Eh goodluck naman sa tunay na pag-ibig sa mga lugar na 'yon noh?"

Witchelles naman sa paninira or avratheng, I love Bed and Gov . . . they're like my second and third home . . . pero kung ang eksena mo sa buhay eh "love-hunting" eh witchelles ko naman yatang maipapayong doonchienabelles din shumoshombay si kupido para mamana ng mga ligaw na puso. Base na ren naman sa mga eksperhinsiya ni watashi noh! Let's take for example si Varsity Captain . . . nasightsiva ko siya Government. Yes! It's true! May moment nga kaming dalawa pero ang trulagen colagen sustagen na eksenachie ebok ala eh kung may napala ba kami sa isa’t isa?! Witchelles din noh! Dahil ang ending eh . . . . cry me a river pa ren ang eksena. Wai! Zirowena! Nada! Betlogs! Para pa rin akong si Sharon Cuneta na super singaling ng "Sanay Wala nang Wakas"!

In fairness naman kay Rica eh may effort. Nag-undergo siya ng isang total make-over na in fairness eh naging hottest namanchie siya after. Nag-lose din ng weight ang lola ko. Nagpabraces . . . nagpa chemical peel! Lahat lahat na lang ng mga kahibangang naimbento ng tao para magkaroon ng dyosa effect eh ginawa na niya. Pero until now eh hoping pa ren ang lola ko. So, I therefore conclude na . . it's not all about the looks.

Pagkashorpos ng lafangan marathon sa Wendy's na akala kez eh wai nang katapusan na halos ikinabaligtad ng sikmura kez eh umatakchinabelles na kami sa Tiananmen na ang pakay lang sana eh ang mag-occular dahil doonchinabelles niya binabalak mag-celebrar ng birthday niya kinabukasan. Pero ang occular eh nauwi din sa nomuhan session.

May-I-order agad ng isang bote ng Chilean wine si bakla at another set of lafang. Nahi-hearsung ko pa lang ang mga inoorderchina ni bakla eh najijisip ko na ang dyspepsia!

"Eh kamusta naman si Paul?" tanong ko kay Rica habang komportable na kaming nakasalampak sa mga unan sa Tiananmen.

Si Paul eh isa sa mga constant date ni Rica, na nakilala niya sa Gov. They've been going out for a month or two na yata.

"Okay lang naman. He'll go here later," bera ni Rica nang walang kaabog-abog.

"How about him? How's the two of you . . . . are you not working out?"

"Okay ka lang?"

Naloka ako . . . . . .

"I've learned something about him that made me want to make lipad na lang and live with the aborigines of Australia!"

"Like . . . . ."

"He's HIV positive . . . . "

Speecheless akey . . . habang may I continue lang sa pagnomu ang baklang Rica.

"Ayaw mong maniwala?"

Ginetching ni Rica ang waley niya at naglabas ng isang kapirasong papel. Isang photocopy ng HIV test galing sa San Lorenzo. Nasightsiva kez ang buong pangalan ni Paul at ang mga katagang "tested POSITIVE for HIV."

At saka hinarbat uli ni Rica ang papel at ibinalik sa waley.

Witchelles yata akez nakakurap non for a momentzzzzzz.

Ikinaloka ko ang eksena iyonchienabelles. Sa truelili lang . . . bago yong moment na yon eh parang dali-dali jisipin na 'you won't feel bad' . . . na 'you wont descriminate' . . . etc.

Pero witchelles kong bet magpakaipokrita and avratheng ha pero that moment eh pinilit kong irewind ang mga eksena na nakadaupang palad ko si Paul. Shet! Sabihin nyo nang ang bad-bad kez pero yun talaga ang najisip kez eh. Honestly, I've never been that close . . . I mean, lahat noon eh theoretical pero at that time eh I've stared at HIV na pala.

Nabalik din akez sa sariling katinuan and pulled back to earth after a few minutes. Jinisip ko na lang na witchelles ka naman talaga mahahawa kapag walang blood contact or unsafe sex. So far . . . di pa naman kami nageengage ni Paul sa neither.

Haaaaaaay. Kakalurkey!

"Don't ever tell him or make him feel na alam mo ha!" chika ni Rica.

Nag-promise naman ako though di ko surebelles kung mapapanindigan ko pa once na masightsiva kez uli siya.

Pero ang una’t huling katanung na jumosok sa isip kez eh . . . .

"Nagsex na ba kayo?"

Tumingin lang sa aken ng diretso si Rica . . . . . at sabay chikang . . . with all conviction . . .


"YES!"

Tumbling . . . . sabay cartwheel at split sa ere.

"Echoz lang mare!"

"Puta ka!"

"Muntik na kaming magsex . . . nung gabing yon . . . super foreplay na pero before we get to it eh chinika niya sa 'ken. Since, mabait naman daw ako at eh chinika niya sa 'kin na positive siya and gave me a choice kung betchay pa o di na betchay ang dookit scene."

"And then . . . . "

"Eh nawala ang urge ko eh so di na natuloy. He told me na usually daw eh di niya sinasabi sa makakasex niya na positive niya pero since yun nga na mabait naman daw ako eh he considers me as someone special . . . . inamin niya sa kin!"

Waddaf . . . . k!

"Meaning nakikipagengage siya sa unsafe sex?"

"To get even daw sa nakahawa sa kanya . . . . ."

Parang witchelles naman yata tama yon. Noong una eh witchelles kong bet magbago ang pagtingin ko kay Paul just because na positive siya and avratheng pero from what I've heard eh parang gusto ko naman yata siyang bigyang ng mag-asawang sampal at isang flying kick sa mukha!

Learn ko naman for a fact na nagiging plenty nga ang mga positive na badinggerzie sa Manaylus. It’s just a matter of being fortunate or unfortunate, kung minalas eh di malas. Learn kong sensitive ang entry na iteckla pero I might as well make chika dahil I felt bad from what I’ve heard. Yes! Tama nga . . . up to this moment eh I still stand sa point na witchelles dapat pandirihan or isegregate ang mga positive, dahil we’re still one and the same. It's still not right to look down at them pero . . . . bakit naman ganon si Paul?! He may have been suffering more than we do. There's no way of telling kung anechiwa ang mga nagaganap sa utak niya or sa utak ng isang positive for that matter. Given the fact na learn mey na na eynimomentz eh matitigbak ka na lang at unti-unting pagkatigbak itey. It must be hard . . . hard at HARSH talaga . . . . pero I don’t think na that’s enough reason to help spread the VIRUS around. Just because nahawaan ka . . . fine . . nobody wants it . . . and fuck the person who did that to you . . . pero still . . that’s still not a valid reason para gawing parang friendster ang virus na pag bet mo eh you’ll give another person a chance to have HIV din. I’m not generalizing lahat ng positive at di ko ren sinisisi sila for having HIV kase nga there’s no way of telling . . . . It’s just a matter of being 100% safe all the time.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Di ko na learn kung anechiwa pa ang ichichika kez . . . I don't know kung may magagawa iteyckla or whatever . . . . pero yun lang ang masasabi ko . . I hope my message gets across . . . Let's be safe mga sisters and brothers . . . . mura lang ang condom . . . bente-singko pesos lang . . tatlo pa . . . . and for positives . . . . nobody's preventing them from having sex naman at all . . . just keep it safe . . . and keep those people that you’ll have sex with informed.

Wag tayong maging bitter . . . wag tayong maging harsh . . . . le's think positive!



Original comments posted:

Comments posted on badinggerzie.blogspot.com:

nakakalurkey naman yan.tama ka naman jan. hindi justifiable na dahil nahawa ka ng sakit ay ihahawa mo na din. its bad enough na na positive ka, why spread it?? kaloka..kaya mga ateng, safe sex is the way to go! go go go for the gold!
jay | 03.05.07 - 9:38 am | #

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true. and since HIV takes a couple of months (weeks or years to others, depending on the leve of one's immunity), a lot of those who contracted the virus are asymptomatic (not showing symptons) and the only time they find out about it is when the virus infection becomes full-blown AIDS.

compounding this problem is the lack of HIV/AIDS awareness campaign in the country. and there are a number of factors contributing to this. for one, the church is not very keen on supporting the use of condoms. then you have politicians and the society in general turning a blind eye on the issue. and then you have our brothers and sisters who refuse to even discuss the topic.

i agree bernz. i feel bad for our brothers and sisters who got infected. they didn't ask for this. nobody did and nobody wants it. but if you have it, please don't be an instrument of its spread. on the contrary, pave the way to enlighten everyone that this is a serious matter that the nation must address.

i do not know what a positive person is going through right now, living with something that will eventually take his or her life. i can't pretend that i do know. but i believe that it's a hard thing to live with and i sympathize with their plight.

there is no 100% protection from STDs other than abstinence. and since absitence is hardly possible for most of us, then at least be safe when getting into the scene. if you can't feel the satisfaction with rubber, then be monogamous, you and your partner.

the choice is in each of us. undetected HIV that becomes full-blown AIDS gives you at most 9 months to live. early detection with ongoing medication gives you 10 to 20 more years, depending on your reaction to the medication. either way, being positive is not something to scoff at.

i still believe there is a cure, maybe not in this lifetime. but until there is a cure, each of us, whether positive or not, should do our share to keep the virus at bay.
icarus926 | 03.05.07 - 12:56 pm | #

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Tell your friend to visit the Tropical Disease Foundation. It's funded by the World Health Organization and Anti-retroviral drugs are provided for free. I'm also HIV+ but I don't believe in infecting others. I got three times. The first time it was negative. But the second and third were positive. So now, I'm under treatment. The treatment is very effective, but I almost developed full BLOWN AIDS.

Imagine, I've been really careful. But there are several ways that the virus can be transmitted. I still got it. So guys! Stick to one partner lang if you have to. I think I might have had it for years, it was just asymptomatic. Regular screening is important.

For more information email me at hivpositivemanila@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

I want to keep my name anonymous. But I'm willing to help anyone who seeks for it.
HIV | 03.06.07 - 7:35 pm | #

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Oh yes, the Tropical Disease Foundation is in Makati Med. They'll be opening an HIV clinic soon!

That's good news!

Thanks to people in the European Union and the Bill Gates foundation. They're allowing free medicines.

Anti-retroviral drugs can cost up to P100,000.00 a month without foundations like that.
HIV Positive but not bitter | 03.06.07 - 7:55 pm | #

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Nkakahawa ba yung HIV pag tsinupa ka?
gulat | 03.06.07 - 10:09 pm | #

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hello for the past week during my break at the office wla me ginawa kundi basahin ang blog mo. Im real girl nacurious sa mga bading at nasurf ko blog mo. Dati feeling ko yukky mga bading but after reading your blog nawala. Sabi ko nga sa New Zealander ko na officemate para pala kyo real girl if mag-express ng feeling.
You have done well expressing your feelings thru this blog.
Youre really good.
nzgirl | 03.07.07 - 6:55 am | #

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I know it's kind of sensitive but I have to ask - what do you plan on doing about Paul? Knowing that he's spreading the disease willfully to get even with the person who infected him - don't you think that you've taken on a responsibility (albeit unwillingly) to either talk to him to stop spreading it or talk to someone who can do something (as in, something concrete, ha).. Thanks
Homie | 03.07.07 - 7:42 pm | #

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HIV positive but not bitter -> you go! bilib naman ako sa yo. thats the right attitude. ibang level ka. hope i cud talk to you sometime.

nzgirl -> i appreciate that nabago ang pagtingin mo sa mga bading. mahirap naman kasing magstereotype.

homie - > i completely understand you concern . . but the thing is . . i am not that close to paul . . he is a friend of a friend . . . . and like what i said . . witchelles niya noseline na noseline kong positive siya . . . haaay. honestly. i dont know what to do. the least i did was . . told rica .. to tell him na . . hindi tama yung ginagawa niya.
badinggerzie | Homepage | 03.07.07 - 8:59 pm | #

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positive, normal, negative, minus.....same....sex.....be gay... and happy.
egay | 03.08.07 - 2:54 am | #

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I think Rica should, at the very least, give feedback to Paul about your concerns (shared with the other readers here) about spreading HIV to "get even".

Even if Paul disagrees that exposing others to a deadly virus is an irresponsible and selfish act, at least he's been told--hopefully firmly--about it. Maybe one day he'll change his mind.
McVie | Homepage | 03.08.07 - 8:04 am | #

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true ka ate!

safe sex always dapat ang drama.

sa panahon ngayon, bawal magkasakit.

andyan ang virus pro keri naman nating gumawa ng paran para hindi natin ito ma-haves.

kay paul, darkness sya. yun lang.
eon | Homepage | 03.08.07 - 5:01 pm | #

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OMG, scaredness naman kasi parang we're staring at HIV right in front of us na pala minsan tapos hindi natin alam. Feeling kasi natin we're invincible. No discrimination whatsoever. It's just scary lang talaga iyong sakit. Hope we find a cure. Hay. OMG din iyang paula na iyan ha...
evolve | 03.09.07 - 2:21 am | #

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5 mL of any body fluid pag napasa sayo, doom. HIV
okla | 03.11.07 - 8:49 am | #

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The growing number of HIV-infected people in the country may also be due to the lack of awareness. I used to work for WHO, and until now I stand by my opinion that even if you flood the clinics of free medication, if the people are not educated about the hard facts of HIV/AIDS and how it is contracted, it's no use. The donors will just have to donate more meds.
Redjeulle | Homepage | 03.12.07 - 8:51 am | #

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i wonder... hindi ba pwedeng i-report sa DOH ang nangyayari/ginagawa ni Paul? Alam ko, walang enough proof.. pero siguro kung may mag-i-intervene for him baka magliwanag pa ang pananaw nya.

...or something like that, vah...
ate sienna | Homepage | 03.12.07 - 12:02 pm | #

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natakot ako bigla sa hiv postive guy na un

pano kung naksex ko na un?

tsk tsk!

safe sex tlga dpat lagi or better yet abstinence

magshow na lang sa cam nyeta!

nice blog btw
turismoboi | Homepage | 03.15.07 - 10:28 pm | #

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Bigla ako natakot. But thanks for posting that entry, Mareng Bernadette. Salamat din sa mga nagpost ng comments sa itaas. I admire your courage and willingness to help other people.
Housewife | Homepage | 03.18.07 - 1:28 am | #

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malorkey naman akesh
emman | Homepage | 03.22.07 - 2:12 am | #

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scariness itu
pero may solution
bryan | Homepage | 03.22.07 - 4:27 am | #

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hi badinggerzie. share ko lang, im based here in canada for over a year now, just a few weeks back sa news dito, me ilang individuals ang nakulong for 5-10 years for inflicting the HIV various through unrprotected sex esp if its intentional. Im sure wala pang ganyang law sa atin, pero im really hoping na magkaroon din. I tried to understand Paul's side regarding his actions, pero kahit anong gawin ko, i cant find any valid reason kung bakit kailangan nyang manghawa. I pity those people na possibleng nahawahan na nya ngayon. bottomline, practice safe sex talaga. yun lang, hehehhe :D
rayms | 03.23.07 - 9:50 am | #

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PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THIS IS A DANGEROUS SCENARIO. IM A NURSE AND THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH MANDATES US TO REPORT EVENTS LIKE THIS THAT WILL ENDAGER THE HEALTH OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC. IT IS A CLEAR AND A PRESENT DANGER. IT WILL REALLY BE A BIG HELP TO THE GAY COMMUNITY IF YOU DIVULGE THE COMPLETE NAME OF PAUL SO THAT HIS INTENTION OF HARMING OTHERS CAN BE CONTAINED... PLEASE,MALI ANG GINAGAWA NYA NA PAGHAWA SA IBA. IF YOU DO THIS, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SAVE MANY LIVES.
ely | 03.28.07 - 6:58 am | #

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AND STILL COUNTING . . . . .

We spent the night . . . . or rather the morning sa hotel.

Akey, si Claudine . . . si Rica . . . at siyempre si . . Charles.

Pag-arrive sa hotel ng slight, eh pakiramdaman lang sa mga veyk-veyk . . hanggang sa nakasegway kami ni Charles sa CR at punan ang nagliliyab na pusok na ibinubulwak nang aming mga shortawan.

In fairness, witchelles ganon ka-effortless ang makipagdookit sa loob ng nyiarette ha lalo na’t pag-long-playing ang dookit scene.

Sa lababo . . . sa ibabaw ng toilet bowl . . . sa bathtub . . . .

Shet . . . .

Effort man kung effort . . . pero it wouldn’t take away the fact . . . na makyorapsa ang bagets . . . deadma na kung manakit ang mga kasukasuon sa tigas ng tiles . . .

Ang harsh . . . I sounded like a ravenous carnivore!

Oh well . . . . Ibang level ang kakinisan nang balat niya . . . iba ren ang level ng perfomance niya. Yung mga tipong performance na learn na learn mong wala pang masyadong maipagmamalaking eksperiensiya pagdating sa booking game. Sa bawat dampi ng dila key sa iba’t iba parte nang shortawan niya eh felt na felt ko ang pigil na nginig at pigil na halinghing na parang eynimomentzz eh sasabog siya, kundi sa galit, eh sa sarap.

At kung pagmamalaki at pagmamalaki lang naman ang pag-uusapan . . . in fairness . . . at buong ikinagulat ko ren at ikinalaki ng mga mata ko noh . . . na dakila ang jugets . . .yung mg tipong maibabalot mey ang dalawang kamay mey sa notring at meron ka pang masasampal-sampal sa dulo.

Aaminin key . . . di naman sa pagiging hayok sa laman or whatever pero witchelles kez sinayang ang bawat sandali at nashikman key ang bawat parte ng shortawan niya. Endangered species ang mga ganitrix na klase ng putahe . . kaya’t habang available at nakahain lang sa harapan mey eh go lang ng go! Join lang ng join!!!!

Approximately 50 minutes kaming nagdookit . . . . . di pa kajoin ang shower together.

After non eh borlogs . . . .

Kinahapunan eh more gising-gisingan portion na pero sa truelili lang eh witchelles din naman akey nakaborlog ng truthfulness dahil nga sa mga panahong iyon eh parang you’d rather stay awake because those times . . . reality had become better than dreams . . . . ooooohhhhh . . . . san ka pa?! Echoz!

Hayun na nga . . . so bitbit-bitbit kez pa ang alaala ng mapanibughong araw na kadadaan lang. Nadatnan ko na lang si Charles na nakaupo sa isang sulok. Bihis na bihis na at super-titig lang sa kagigising kong beauty na for sure eh walang halong kapintasan . . . echoz. For sure eh more haggard than haggardness ang dating ko non noh! At kung pupuwede lang eh sa sobrang concious ko eh tuklapin kez na lang ang fezlack kez para witchelles niya masighteousbelles or I’d rather have na lafangin na lang akez nang buong-buo ng kamang jinijigaan kez!

Pero wai na ren akez nagawa kundi mag-ikmyle with all na haggard-kagigising na beauty-look. More confidence na lang ang labanan at magpacute.

Super ikmyle din naman siya sa aken.

Pagsight kez sa paligid eh wai si Claudine at si Rica.

Lumapit sa ‘kin si Charles at idinampi ang mga labi niyang parang iginuhit lang sa aking forehead. Para namang maysakit ang drama ko non. Pero deadma. . . . ang sweetness ng dating kahit na gaano pa kajologs.

Chinika niya na umiskrang na si Claude at si Rica dahil super tommy lee jones na ang lola Rica at witchelles nang kineri na mag-waiting in vain para gisingin pa akez. Dahil pag sikmura at pagkashutay-tomi na ang naramdaman ni Rica eh wala nang sinasantong panahon at oras. Chinika din ni Charles na may-I-wait na lang ang dalawa kong step-sisters sa Dencios sa Robs place.

So, umatak na ren kami sa Rob's Place for more lafangan portion at parang naubos ang enerhiya ko nung nakaraang gabi.

Sa mga pagkakataon na iyonchinabelles eh najisip ko ang mga pinaggagagawa namin sa buhay. Gimik . . . . iskrang . . . . rampa . . . . . magpa-yummy-effect . . . . magbook o magpabook . . . hoping na isa sa mga sabadong inaaksaya sa Malate e matagpuan mey ang matagal-tagal mo nang hinahanap hanap at hinihintay-hintay.

Sa truelili lang eh di ren naman ako hoping kay Charles. Okay fine . . . may spark na kung may spark . . . pero parang natauhan ako nung mga oras na iyonchienabelles arabelles arabumbumbelles.

Alam kong hanggang doonchinabelles na lang ang mga eksena . . . parehas lang siguro kami ng betchay. Ang makasegwey kahit panandalian sa mga mundong ginagalawan . . humanap nang isang utaw na waing shukialam . . . at mag ibig-ibigan na parang kayong dalawa na nga itinadha nang poong maykapal! Na kahit na alam nyong naglolokohan lang naman din kayo.

Pero, di ko yon pinahalata kahit sa mga friendiva kez. May-I-holding-hands pa ren ang drama namin ni Charles habang lumalafuk ng sinigang na kulang sa asim at ng sisig na ubod ng tuyo.

Akala ko . . . pagkatapos 'non eh hanggang doon na lang. Magkakapaalaman na . . . mangangakong itetext ang isa't isa . . . pero ang katotohanan eh ibabaon na lang din sa limot ang mga eksenang naganap at pipilasin sa kuwaderno ng buhay-talaan. Shet ! Ano ba yon !? Para akong nasasapian ng pitong dumonyo.

Anyway . . . . di pa pala.

Dahil biglang may naisip na naman si Rica . . . kelangan daw naming umatak sa Mall of Asia nang gabing yon . . at magwatchiley ng World Pyro ecklavu! Haves daw siya nang reservation at sayang naman kung witchelles gagamitin.

Super ask si Charles kung ju-joinlackles daw akembang.

Binalik ko ren ang tanong sa kanya dahil sa trulagen colagen sustagen lang e . . . di ko betchay. Pero betchay daw niya.

Chika ko sa kanya na jumoint-forces na lang muna siya sa aken sa baler kez para makapag-refresh dahil witchelles pa ren niyang jumuwelya sa balaybay niya.

So join lang nang join. Pagkashorpos lumafuk eh diretso na kami ni Charles sa baler.

At pagkadating na pagkadating pa lang namin eh para na naman kaming mga tandang na isinalang sa sabungan . . . . . round 2 . . . . . FIGHT!!!!!!

Pagkatapos ng another dookit scene (at this time eh in the comfort of my home) eh . . bihis lang agad. Pinahiram ko na lang siya ng outfit para naman di siya magmukhang pangkahapon ang beauty niya.

And then . . . fly na sa Mall of Asia.

Isa sa mga pangarap ko ang natupad nang gabing iyon . . . . ang maglakad-lakad sa mall nang may kaholding hands.

Wala siyang kiyeme. Deadmatology one-oh-one! Mirese trese kwatorseng pinagsasightcheousbelles na kami ng mga utawsingbelles eh more pa ren siya sa pagjoin sa sweetness.

Nagkita-kita ang mga bakla sa Aruba. More lafang and more join sa inuman muna hanggang hinihintay na magliwanag ang kalangitan.

Nakatayo kami ni Charles sa gitna nang kalsada. Magkahawak ang mga kamay, magkadikit ang mga balikat habang nakatingala sa mga kislap at pagsabog sa kalawakan.

In fairness . . nakakanginig . . . . at to some extent eh nakakapangilabot. Muntik na nga akong magcrayola marathon pero pinigilan ko lang ang sarili ko. Witchelles ko learn kung dahil ba ito sa mga pagsabog ng iba't ibang kulay na pinapanood namin o dahil sa fact na andon ako sa isang lugar na may kahawak-kamay na bagets na sa totoo lang eh witchelles ko pang masyadong learn pero parang matagal na kaming nag-iibigan.

Pero kinalma ko ang sarili ko. Katulad nga ng chinika ko kaniney eh . . enjoy lang the momentzzzzzzzz . . . til it last . . . . dahil witchelles mo ren learn na parang mga fireworks nung gabing yon . . . na kahit na gaano kafabulous pa ang drama at eksena . . . eh titigil at titigil din . . . at ang kalawakan na pinuno ng iba’t ibang kulay eh pagkatapos ng ilang sandali eh magbabalik at magbabalik din sa isang nakakayamot at walang buhay na kadiliman.

TWO THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED SEVENTY-SIX MINUTES and COUNTING . . .

We were one . . . . we were binded by an unknown force . . . . whatever that was . . . it was good . . . .

My arms were around him and his were around me.

We explored one another’s body in the form of a dance.

. . . . . . .

Hay naku! Kalorkey!!!

Hayon na nga!

Para kaming mga tukong naka-mighty-bond sa isa't isa. Kiver kami sa mga utash sa paligid-ligid namen. Super dance, super yakap and at the momentzzzz na malearn ng mga labi namin ang dapat nilang puntahan eh . . . parang naghalo na ang balat sa tinalupan.

I never kissed a stranger before.

As in . . . walang halong kajijian . . . truenezz yon . . siguro maraming beses na akey na nakipagdookit sa mga strangers . . . but kiss . . . I don't think so.

He was the first.

Halos isang oras din kaming nasa ganoong posisyon. At wala talagang nakapagpigil sa bugso ng aming mga damdamin. (Ew . . . parang pocketbook lang da 'vah?)

Hanggang sa inaya ko siya sa second floor dahil di ko na masightsiva ang mga friendiva ko.

Pag-okyat namin eh nakasalubong namin si Claudine at si Rica na kalalabas pa lang ng CR. Halata sa mga fezing nila ang ang shock-factor na meron akong bitbit bitbit na cute na fetus.

"These are my friends . . ." chika ko sa bagets. "Claude and Rica . . . and this is . . . . "

Shet! Why do I always have these momentzzzz na lost-in-space akembang pagdating sa namesung . . . .

"Charles . . . ." chika niya.

Then, biglang nag-appear naman si Francheska na witchelles din nagpatalo dahil haves din ng karay-karay na bagets.

"This is Francheska and his fish for the night . . . ." intro kez.

Umisquierda din sila at jiniwan kami.

Hinila ko si Charles sa isang corner.

Nagtagpo na naman ang mga labi namin. Pero pinigilan ko siya. Tinulak ko siya para masightsiva ko ang kabuuan ng pagkatao niya.

Ikmyle lang akez.

"Before we continue, by the way, I'm Bernard . . . ." then I extended my hand.

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at lumuhod siya sa jurapan kez. Super kiss niya ito at tingala sa 'ken . . . "I'm Charles. And I'm yours." Chika niya.

Tumbling.

Pinatayo ko siya at baka eynimomentzzzz eh pag nagtuloy-tuloy pa ang eksenang iyon eh bigla na lang akong maging palaka. Inaya ko sya sa bar. "I think we need a drink."

Gumetching kami ng berangju at umupo para naman makapagrest ng slight. Dahil with the dance, with matching rigudon ng mga labi at ng mga kamay . . . in fairness . . nakakaorgod siya.

Nang makajupostrax kami sa medyo tahimik at less utaw na lugar eh kinuha niya ang isang kamay ko at jinawakan lang niya habang super sight sa ‘ken with those very cute eyes na parang iginuhit lang.

"You workin?" tanong niya.

"Yup . . . you?"

"Studying. St. Pauls."

Shet! Tumbling another . . . . bukod sa pagiging bagets . . . estujamus iteykla . . . . pero derm na ako sa mga ganyang factor . . . bagets na kung bagets . . . .

Super nomu lang kami and super cuddle . . . shet . . . . cuddle talaga . . wholesome itu.

"I have a confession to make . . . " chika ko sa kanya. Na pinagjisipan key muna ng tatlong daang beses bago ishurlak!

"Ano yon?"

"The first time I saw you sa dance floor up there sa ledge . . . I felt something that urged me to get to you . . . . "

"Pero bigla kang nawala . . . ." bera niya bigla sa 'ken.

Naloka naman daw ako . . . continue niya sa pagshorlakak. "Tinitingnan kita dun sa baba. Hinihintay ko lang na makalapit ka. Pero bigla kang nawala. Then I went down and started looking for you."

"Oh common!? You're kidding me. Umalis lang ako saglit to have a breath of fresh air. Tapos ikaw ang nawala. Hinanap kita and I thought I lost you."

"I thought I lost you, too." chika niya sabay kiss. "But now, we found each other. I guess it doesn't matter anymore."

Iba ang level ng kilig factor ko sa mga oras na iteykla. Parang kahapon lang eh super watching-galore ko lang ang mga ganitrix na eksena between Sam Milby at Anne Curtis, pero now na now na eh nahi-hearsung ko na siya sa truelili na mga kaganapan sa life ever.

Bumalik din kami sa baba at hinanap sila Rica.

"Who's here with you," tanong ko kay Charles.

"My friends."

"You should talk to them and make paalam," I told him.

"Why?"

"Coz you're going home with me. . . . "

"I must go home with you. . . ." At hinalikan niya akez. "Don't go away."

At umisquierda siya.

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkklaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kaaaaaaaaa!" chika ni Rica pag-alis na pag-alis ni Charles.

"Nasa 'yo ang korona ni Precious Lara Quigaman, ngayong gabi!"

"Iba 'toh."

"Love at first sight? Gaga! 'Nung huling sinabi mo yan . . . anung nangyari sa 'yo?"

Love at first sight! SHET! It's all coming back to me . . . . parang si Celine Dion lang. Oo nga naman. Nagpadalos-dalos ako nung mga panahon na iyon nang makilala ko si Varsity Captain. Parang ganitiz na ganitiz din ang eksena (minus the halikan factor lang).

"Well, baka pwedeng nagkamali ako 'non . . . pero ngayon hindi na."

"Go to the sea! Tell that to the marines!"

"Pero, in fairness . . . . ." sabat ni Claude. Bihirang bihira siyang magbigan ng compliment sa mga karir ko . . . .

"Thanks . . ." chika ko na lang.

Pagkabalik ni Charles eh nagdecide na kaming umisquierda dahil nafi-felt na namin ang powers ni Sandra Bullock sa labas.

"I don't want to go home," chika ni Rica. "Let get ourselves a room, my treat . . ."

Parang nagdeclare na lang ng Martial Law si baklang Rica at wala na kaming nagawa.

Nag-check-in kami sa Kimberly . . yung hotel na malapit sa Rob's place.

*

Two Thousand Eight Hundred Eighty Minutes

I AM BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BAAAAAKLAAAAA!

Witchelles kong aakalaing pagkashorpos ever ng halos isang taon eh ditangchinabelles din akembang jojogsak - ang pambansang lugar ng mga badinggerzie . . . . MALARS!

Wai sa plano ever kez that Saturday na umatakchinabelles doonchinabelles but then . . earlier that day eh nakareceive akembang ng shorwag kay Claudine - ang pinakamaasim kong friendiva na pinaglihi yata sa kinalburong hilaw na kamias . . . . at bukod pa sa kanya eh pati si Rica eh out-of-blue eh bigla ding nagparamdam. Naloka naman daw ako dahil medyo ma-orgality of culture na din akembang na nag-solo-flight dahil witchelles ko naman bet na gambalain ang mga buhay-buhay nila at nagpasko at nagbagong-taon na nga't lahat lahat eh witchelles pa rin kami nagkakasight-sight.

Naging bisi-bisihan naman kasi ang Lola Rica sa kanyang world tour na pati ang Papua at Cambodia eh witchelles niya pinalampas at si Claude naman eh as usual . . . . pag inaatake ng kabaliwan eh super-retreat sa sarili niyang mundo ever na siya lang ever ang nakakaintindi ever! Ever!

Parang yesterday's dream lang . . . . super remember kez pa ang nakakalorkey hey hey hey na momentzzz namin ditangchiwa sa Malars na nakapagpasimula ng blogsivang itekla at itekla na naman . . . may another momentzzz na naman akey na tinatalak.

As usual eh akembang na naman ang pinaka-early-bird-catches-the-worm ang eksena kaya waiting-in-vain na naman ang drama kez sa buhay sa kanto ng Nakpil at Orosa habang ninamnam ang e-coli bacteria sa mga fishball at tukneneng na nilalapsalauriat kez and at the same time eh mega-sightsiva sa mga badinggerzie na rumarampa sa harap kez at in fairness . . . . halos washington na akez learnchi. Different faces . . . . . different names . . . mga fresher version of ourselves. Kakaloka!

"Bernardina!"

Nahearsung kez ang boses ng baklang Rica na halos umalingawngaw sa apat na sulok ng Malate.

Nang makanearness-of-you na siya eh as usual . . ang madugong ritwal ng besohan . . . . isang ritwal na witchelles na witchelles mawawagtus sa mga baklang magkakaibigan.

"I heard that you have a new tarbaho na ha," chika ni bakla, na halata namang wicthelles concern ang nasa jisip kundi ang intensiyong makasagap ng latest chismis.

"True," talak ko.

At tinalak ko sa kanya ang litanya ko sa bago kong workaloo at ang lahat ng pinagdaanan kong malasoap-operatic na momentz the past month.

"Hay naku maresssseeee . . . . .keri lang yan. I know you naman. Look at the brighter side of things . . . . maganda ka pa rin naman," chika na Ricang punung-puno ng kajijian.

"Ano na naman ba ang mga pumasok sa isip nyo at nagyaya na naman kayo dito?" askiley kez.

"Oh well! It's a time for joy . . . a time for peace . . . a time when hearts are set free . . . ."

Naloka naman akembang sa linya. For the sake na may maitalak ang bakla eh pati ang songaling ni Jamie Rivera eh irerecite.

"Kailangan natin to have fun. It's a new year. And we need to start this with a bang!"

Di rin nagtagal at nag-grand-entrance na ren si Claude at after a few minutes eh dumating na ren si Francheska.

Di na nagpatumpik-tumpik pa ang mga veykla at umatakchinabelles na sa Bed.

As usual eh jampacked na naman ang lugar. Witchelles ko bet magpakaipokrita or whatever but then nung gabing iyon eh parang witchelles ko bet mangarir. Ewan ko ba pero parang wala akez sa mood.

Gumetching na kami ng mga drinkaloo namen at humanap na ng spot na pedeng territoryohin.

Yung last time na umatak yata akez sa Bed eh yung na-sight ko pa si Vicky Wet! Kalorkey at ngayon eh nyortista na ren siya. Hahahaha.

Sa hayun na nga, mega observation lang akey sa karagatan ng sangkabaklaan na parang sinasamba ang mega-danz-danz na music. Isang gathering ng mga nilalang na may iisang hangarin . . . ang magpakasaya . . . . at kung sinusuwerte eh humada o magpahada at pag super suwerti talaga eh ang ma-take-home na parang Kenny Rogers lang. Nakakatuwa nga naman pag super sight ka sa kanila . . . super dance galore to death na parang wala nang haharapin pang kinabukasan para magdance . . . . mega-jump up and down . . . . . at most of the time eh mega ma-yummy effect para naman bumenta that night.

I'm on my thrid beer . . . . si Rica at si Francheska eh karir mode na . . . kaming dalawa na lang ni Claudine ang parang mga tuod na miyembro ng Confradia de San Jose - mga manang na parang napaglumaan na ng panahon . . . . pero . . . . . may biglang yumanig sa nananahimik kong mundo.

Sa isang ledge sa dancefloor eh may may-I-sight akong bagets . . . . unang sight ko pa lang sa kanya eh kakaibang shockwave na ang na-felt kez sa flat kong mga dibdib. Natuwa naman ako . . . . . . bagets, nagpaalam akez kay Claude at chikang aatak lang sa dancefloor.

Umatak nga akez para lang makalapit sa kanya.

I was standing a couple of feet away from him. He's up there sa ledge . . . above me and the others. Super dance siya to the highest level. He's different compared to all the utawsingbelles doonchinabelles. He's super white . . . as in . . . . white . . . parang kokomban! Nakajacket siyang itim . . . and his whole porma is super kakaiba na he stands out. Parang ang packaging niya eh isang punk-goth-rock star. Sa porma pa lang niya eh alam mo nang hindi siya generic na parang karamihan sa mga badinggerzie doonchinabelles na parang Tide na meron ka lang tatlong piso eh makakabili ka na sa kahit na anong suking tindahan.

Witchelles akez gumagalaw sa kinatatayuan kez. Super drinkaloo lang akembang ng beerangju habang super-sight sa kanya. Ayaw din talagang magpaawat ng mga tingin ko.

Nang tumagal-tagal eh parang betchay ko nang lumapit ever nang ma-experience ko naman siya ng malapitan . . . pero pag-sight kez eh may mga veklores sa harapan niya super enchance sa kanya . . . na-kyorkot naman akez na kumropit dahil obvyosa namang nag-set-up na sila ng defensive perimeter sa lugar na iyonchie na kung sinetchiwa man ang kumropit eh sure na sure na kundi tadyak eh siko sa ilong ang maaabot.

Wai akez magawa kundi kag-sight lang sa bagets. Witchelles ko learn kung kag-sight ren ba niya akey hey hey hey pero at that point eh witchelles ko naman bet magpaka-ilusyonada para jisiping super-sightsiva ren siya sa ken.

"Uy magsayaw ka naman . . . " chika ni Francheska na bigla na lang nag-appear sa likod ko.

Humarap ako sa kanya. At hinila palabas.

Super ask siya kung saanchienabelles kami aatak, pero hinila ko lang siya hanggang makaesquierda kami ng Bed.

Chika ko sa kanya na I just needed a breath of fresh air.

Jumupostrax kami sa labas at gumetching ng mas mumurahing beer.

Super laklak to death lang akez.

Super wonder-bra naman si Francheska, kung anung meron . . . hanggang chinika ko sa kanya ang bagay na parang ni minsan eh witchelles ko najisip na ichichika kez sa tanan ng buhay ko.

"I think I'm in love!"

"Ha?!"

Ma-giraffe iexplain . . . . madaling sabihin na masyado lang akez na-excite at super exaggerated lang ang declaration kez . . . pwede ring sabihin na sa tuwing nakakalembang ang kampana ng kabaklaan kez ng isang betty-mae kez eh naichichika kong "I'm in love!" Pero . . . keri kong ichika with deep conviction . . na iba ang na-felt ko that night . . . . . iba . . . as in ibang . . iba.

At felt na felt kong witchelles din naniwala si Francheska. Pero may-I-best-in-supporting-actress na lang ang drama niya.

"E di lapitan mo. Kausapin mo . . . . Who knows?" chika niya.

Matagal-tagal din akong nag-jisip at nag-jipon ng lakas ng loob ever. Pagkashorpos ng shotlong beerangju eh hinatak ko na siya pabalik ng Bed.

Dire-direcho akez sa dance floor . . . kung saanchienabelles ko siya huling-huling na-sightchinabelles but then . . . pagdating kez doonchienabelles . .. . eh . . . harsh of all harshness . . . . he wasn't there anymore.

Shit!

Sinuyod ko ang buong dancefloor . . . .. wala siya.

Bumalik ako kala Claudine at chinikang may hinahanap ako . . .

"This is it . . . this is really reallly it . . . . "

Tinaasan lang ako ng kilay ng mga bakla.

Deadma.

Umisquierda ulit akez at nakipagsiksikan paakyat sa second floor mireseng makipagsikuhan akez at magkamatay-matay ang mga dailiri ko sa paa sa kaaapak ng mga bading.

Sinuyod ko ang buong second floor, pati ang CR at pati na rin yata ang mga ilalim ng couch eh sinilip ko. Nowhere in sight ang bagets-come-punk-come-masarap-bonahin-come-one-come-all!

Bumalik na naman ako kala Claudine.

"How can I lose a guy? How can I lose a 5 foot 6 guy . . . divinely white . . . guy who just took my breath away . . . "

Parang akong si Sisang baliw-baliwan sa harapan ng mga friendiva ko na nakanganga lang at wa sa pagkareact. . . I swear . . . I could've gone wild and gone ballistic that momentzzz pero . . . pinigil ko lang ang sarili ko.

"Doon tayo sa taas . . . marami ka pang makikita don," sabi ni Francheska . . .

Even though witchelles ko bet ng iba . . . marami man sila . . . . isa lang naman ang gusto ko that night . . . nagpahila pa ren ako kay Francheska.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pakikipagsiksikan namin para makarating sa second floor eh parang biglang huminto ang oras.

Huminto din ako. Hawak-hawak ni Francheska ang kamay ko. Hinihila niya ako pero parang nasemento ang mga paa ko. Hila to death pa ren siya sa aken.

"I will not move from this place forever," chika ko kay Francheska habang nakasight ako sa bagets na kaniney ko pa ineeffort na masightchinabelles.

Wala nang nagawa si Francheska. Umisquierda na lang siya at jiniwan na akez doon sa kinatatayuan ko.

That whole time eh nakasight siya sa aken. Nakasight din akez sa kanya.

Hanggang sa lumapit na lang siya sa akin at ibinalot ang mga kamay namin sa isa't isa.

Nagyakapan kami nang super higpit na parang old lovers na first time uli nagkita after 47 years and 11 months.

At simula nang mga oras na iyon eh literal na witchelles na kami naghiwalay . . . . the first minute was counted . . . . and there are two thousand eight hundred and seventy nine more.

*

THE SURPRISE

Contrary to what I've said . . . . . we didn't end up in a cheap motel . . . . haha!

It's more of a "Class B Motel"!

Anyway, he was great in bed. There is no other way to put it. It seemed nothing less than transfiguration. Conversing, he was fidgety and evasive, given to arrhythmic pauses and odd spasms of laughter. But when he got out of his clothes he took on the fluid self-assurance of a dancer. His physique was modest and sinewy, with veined arms and a prominent rib cage. That night, he was naked so quickly he might have been wearing a suit the kind that macho dancers in Chico's use. He was dressed one moment and nude the next, while I was still unfastening the last button of my shirt.

"Pa'no mo nagawa 'yon?" I asked.

He smiled, and helped me out of my own clothes. His movements were swift and efficient but gentle. He had abruptly traded his skittish, roving manner of calm focus and suave, unhurried competence. He unbuttoned my jeans and slid them tenderly down to my ankles, wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me, with only a hint of strain, up onto the bed.

I was not excited by him. I was excited by the idea of sex, the ease of it - I had gone out and caught someone, an unclaimed man who was mine to do with as I liked. I admit it - there was a streak of sadism in my lusts. There was the taint of vanity. I chose ordinary men who would not refuse; who would feel lucky to have me. I did not thrill to the sight of their flesh - which was either bulky or scrawny but always abashed and grateful - so much as I did to the fact of their capture. As Mr. Mind-Over-Matter set me on the bed I was aroused in the general, unfocused way that has become familiar. I would let him command the sex but I would leave the motel room undefeated. Part of me was already gone as our chests touched for the first time and our legs fumbled for position. I was more important than this. The excitement I felt was edgy and not entirely pleasant, like a swarm of bees inside my chest.

Mr. Mind-Over-Matter nuzzled my shoulder, ran his fingers lightly along my ribs. He had a dry powdery touch. There was something sweet about his earnestness and his elusive beauty. There was something dreadful about it.

He lay for a while on top of me, peppering my chest with kisses. Then he deftly revolved our bodies so that I was on top. I got a thorough look at him, for the first time. He was thin but big-boned, his abdomen is densely furred. His cock angled off to the right, raggedly skirted by a vein. His gaunt, hairy stomach and skewed cock suddenly repulsed me. Usually with strangers there was a moment of shock like this, when I fully comprehend the privacy of their bodies. Looking at his thin torso, I felt as if I had caught him in some indiscretion. I saw the otherness of him, and it flipped me over from excitement to disgust - my own agitation soured, and I began bluffing my way through, cramming his cock blindly into my mouth. I was already thinking of going home or just have an emergency drink with my friends. Even as it happened, this was a story I would tell them. We would shake our head together and discuss the perplexing scarcity of love.

"Relax", Mr. Mind-Over-Matter whispered. I didn't answer, because my mouth was full. When he repeated it, I pulled my head up and said, "I'm perfectly relaxed, thank you." I would make him come quickly, come myself, and be back in my own skin, free on the street, back in reality.

He slipped away, directing me to lie belly-down on the mattress.

"Masyado kang tensed," he said. I skeptically obeted, and he began massaging my back, tracing the curves of my shoulders and spine with his fingertips. "You're very tight," he said. Whatever that may have meant, I just said, "Thank you."

Against my better judgment, I consigned myself to his hands. I disliked being told I was tense - it seemed he had recognized a flaw in my character. For the occasion of sex I always slipped over into an identity that was not quite my own. When making love I was like my own hypothetical older brother, a strong, slightly cynical man who lived adventurously, without qualms that beset my other self. While at bed or on the MRT I daydreamed of powerful, angry men who needed me to ease their pain. In bed with meek strangers I thought only of quick orgasm and escape.

Mr. Mind-Over-Matter worked my back with ardent delicacy, his fingers expertly following the confluence of tendon and bone. When I remarked on his proficiency he said, "Pinag-aralan ko 'to". I would learn that he often to that to other people to earn money, stressing on the part that those services are strictly professional.

Under his ministrations, I relaxed almost against my will. Without having decided to, abruptly, I fell asleep. It was utterly unlike me. But I'd been keeping late hours, and working long days. The sensation resembled that of slipping under anesthetic. One moment I was awake, looking at wall with a boring wallpaper, and the next I was being roused from slumber by a kiss.

I startled, and nearly jumped off the bed. For a moment I lost track of everything. Where was I, and whose cologned jaw was this? "Shh," he whispered. "It's okay."

"Shit! Nakatulog ako?" I asked. I was groggy and ashamed. Had I snored? Had I drooled?

"Saglit lang naman, okay lang yon," he said. He kissed my neck and gently but steadily positioned himself between my legs.

"Sorry," I said. "Di ko naman sinasadyang tulugan ka . . . . "

"Ssshhh," he said, stopping me. "This is a dream you are having."

For some reason, I obeyed. Although my instinct was to return to myself, to quickly polish off the sex and get on about my business, I decided to relax. There was surprising, voluptuous pleasure in it. I let him manage things in and out lovemaking passed as if in fact I was dreaming. He carried it through the way a diligent student pursued all his projects, with scrupulous attention. If our coupling lacked the abandon of true passion it has a schooled solildity that was the next best thing. Mr. Mind-Over-Matter could perhaps write a full length novel in one sitting. I bet that he could even tell all the capitals of all the countries in the world. And he could tell how far to thrust, when to withdraw, when to throw in an unexpected move. I gave myself up to it. He enjoyed being in command, and I relinquished my own desire to impress.

We made love three times that night. After the first time we did not roll away. I didn’t make my escape. He held me, and I stroked his sparsely haired thigh. I could smell his sweat, which was sharp but not unpleasant. We embraced in silence for ten minutes or longer. Then he said, "Are you ready again?"

By the time I got dressed, the motel room lost some of its strangeness as if we live there.

I dressed and decided to go. He wanted for us to go down together but I insisted on going first, I wouldn't want a desire for us not to part our ways. It would be painful. I blew him a kiss and went out.

This was usually my favorite moment, after the sex was finished and I was restored to myself, still young and viable, free to go everywhere. That night, though, I felt irritated and weightless; I couldn't quite pick up my sense of myself. Cubao lay quietly in its bath of dark light. A group of hookers strolled the sidewalks and jeepneys roared by.

I was infused with a bodily pleasure that was intricately, brittlely edged in regret. Something had been lost, at least for the moment-some measure of possibility. I walked away, but couldn't shake the feeling. It followed me like a thief.

-THE END-

The 20+ mind-over-matter guy

I was hesitant at first. I have never experienced a wholesome eyeball since . . . . like never. For people who are not familiar with the "eyeball" thingie, it would be my deepest pleasure to enlighten you on the matter. It is somewhat a jargon nowadays that is used when two people who were corresponding through text, internet (email, online community or chat) or like in the dark ages snail mail (penpal, as if it still exists), decided to meet after a certain amount of time. Well, it is really supposed to be wholesome, though in our world, there’s this thing that is called "S.E.B" or "Sex Eye Ball". This is usually applicable through chat . . . you enter a chatroom, which is more of like a meatshop (bagsakan ng karne) where you post an ad . . . . you state the things that you are looking for for a possible "hook-up" (this can be instant or scheduled). . . tall, short . . . lean, chub . . . goodlooking, average . . . . TOP or BOTTOM, etc. Or you can just browse through the main chatroom and fish while reading the ads . . . if you feel that you fall to that certain category that a certain chatter is looking for . . . you engage him in a privy . . . then you chat . . exchange pictures . . . sometimes talk dirty . . . and if you come to the point of mutual attraction . . exchange phone numbers . . . . and after 30 minutes . . . you are already having sex in a cheap motel room in Cubao or probably meet after two days or so depending on your availability.

Another reason why I'm hesitant is the fact that this meet-up was initiated by an online bond, which I find, more often than not, pretty much fragile and unrealistic. In the cyberworld, there are a lot of things that can be said . . . . and there's no way of telling if such things are true or just a product of a disturbed person's mind who created an alternate identity in the internet just to escape from reality - and why would someone want to escape something pleasant? You do the math!

After a couple of self-consultations, I finally made up my mind.

I will meet him.

*

We decided to have an early dinner at Italliani's in Gateway. Since he's from the North, it would just be fair for the both of us to meet there.

I thought I would be late, coming from Ortigas to Cubao. The traffic was grueling. I thought that traffic was always grueling, even if the heavens would open up and a storm of brim and stone would not make the traffic more comfortable. But the worst thing that could happen when you are stuck in traffic in a box-type taxi-cab with an aircon barely spitting "conditioned" air and you couldn't smell anything but diesel is when you are on your way on your first date and you are anticipating or rather expecting someone who would actually meet (or exceed) your standards. And while thinking about these things . . . the "what-ifs" arise from your polluted mind . . . What if I wouldn't like him? What if he looks different from the pictures you saw, as if he just went through a major surgical operation gone totally wrong? What if he couldn't talk about anything because he doesn't make any sense at all? What if he is a total psycho that would just tear your clothes apart in the middle of the restaurant and make love to you in front of all the people???? (uhmmmm . . . . that one can fall under the expectations list).

The thought of backing-out crossed my mind a couple of times but before I could really finally decide on what to do, I was already in Cubao.

There were no another choices but to get that night over with.

I arrived at Itallianni's ten minutes earlier and helped myself with the freebie bread that goes with the balsamic vinegar. They give you these things so that, as a customer, you wouldn't be able to stomach to change your mind and move to a cheaper restaurant once you realized that Cafe Bola is cheaper.

I was so overwhelmed with the bread and the fact that I would spend almost 300 pesos for pasta, I didn't see him enter and approached my table.

"Bernard?", he said trying to sound confident though the trembling of his voice is pretty much obvious.

I raised my head from the "golden" menu and stared at him for a second until I nodded my head and asked him to take a seat.

For a moment, I was relieved . . . . there were no signs of any major surgical operations gone wrong . . . he looks pretty much the same with his pictures, if not better.

His face was thin, and edgy, the nose and chin too sharply pointed for ordinary handsomeness, though his color was fair and his eyes were as innocent as a child's. His was the sort of face that, given a proneness to vanity, could be agonized over in a mirror - a face that could switch from beauty to plainness and back again. I've seen a lot of faces like that, the not-quite-handsome faces of young men and women who have been fussed over by their mothers and who believe, with rigorous if slightly apologetic hopefulness, that they can make a future with their looks.

And there we were, star-crossed voyagers sitting across one another hoping that that night would be the night that we were waiting for since the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks tandem spurred the word "Hopeless Romantic".

We were silent, nobody spoke a word. Both of us tried hard to conceal whatever we were thinking and preoccupied ourselves with what to eat.

Until we ordered. Finally, he spoke! Hallelujiah! He can speak!

"How was your day?" he asked. A depth of scrutiny passed briefly behind his pallid eyes. He was trying, without deep conviction or curiosity, to figure me out.

I stopped my mouth from opening. I know myself, if somebody asks me how my day was, I'll go on ranting about sordid stuff, and that might go on forever. I thought that it wouldn't be a very nice impression if I do that at that moment.

So, I just said, "It was fine."

It was followed by a series of questions pitched from my side to his and from his to mine as if we're playing 20 questions.

One question. One answer.

One question. One Answer.

Until, we got the hang of it and we became at ease at each other, we started to expound what we were saying. The conversation went along over the sour pasta. It just went on and went on.

We were talking as if we knew each other for a very long time. We share some thoughts. Words and stories just flowed out of our mouths like the Grand Rapids rushing to get to the vast ocean.

After the dinner, we shared the bill.

On our way out, he asked me if I was already tired.

I looked at my watch, it's only 9. Still early. So, I told him, not really.

He smiled and asked if I want to get a drink.

I looked around. We were in Cubao. Where in the world are we supposed to drink there?

He said he knows a place. Quite shabby and not very fancy.

I said yes, why not.

We walked around Araneta while still making "kuwento", he was telling me about his misadventures about love and relationship. We share the common sentiment . . . . both of us our sour losers when it comes to love. And while walking, I just noticed that his arm is around my shoulder.

I have to admit, there was a blush moment there.

We got to Aurora, near the LRT2 station.

We crossed the street, pass the "bugaws" and "the girls" that would come to you and whisper 'Sir, babae po ?

If only they knew . . . . I thought.

Finally, we got to this place . . . . . PALAWAN.

It looks like an ordinary KTV bar that you would expect to see in places like Cubao. But I never thought that that place was a haven for badinggerzies from all walks of life and appearance.

He asked if I've been to that place.

I said that that was my first time. And I was quite shocked to see that on a Wednesday night and at that time . . . . it’s already packed.

It is a kind of place that really wouldn't matter how it looks like or what you're drinking but rather what matters the most are the people who are going there. The people that you can meet. In short, it is a big fishing ground!

There was this feeling, as we walk through the place, of eyes glaring at you as if scrutinizing every inch of your body.

We occupied a small table in a dark corner. We ordered beers and I told him that the place was nice.

And then, we walked our way again through a conversation talking about the usual things, this time, delivered brief accounts of our origins and ambitions.

Mr. Mind-Over-Matter was all edgy inattention, the sort of a person who shreds napkins and taps his feet and fails to hear fully half of what's said to him.

After what seemed to both of us a decent interval – three beers and casually flirting one another – we decided to check in to the nearest hotel where he introduced his surprise . . . .

2 be continued . . . . . .

D' REVOLUTION

I do not want to sound hypocritical and untruthful but I guess, I have said enough. I finally decided to make a major shift in my life. I have a new job, in a new company and in a brand new world so different from what I've been used to . . . . I have rummaged around for love but I failed. But what can I do . . . that is life. I could be the most beautiful man in the world but if these things are really bound to happen, I guess that even the mighty Cher couldn't help it.

And as much as I wanted to continue this blog the way I kept it for the past year or so, I could no longer summon the energy and inspiration that I used to have. I know that if not all, most of you would be disappointed. So, bear with me. I’ll write this way as of the moment, until I can find the "badinggerzie" in me, again.

But life goes on . . . . . and my stories are still bound to be told . . . .

Picking up from my last confrontation with love and my "very well said" failure being dumped and all . . . I can say that the hairsplitting days were over and the moments of self-pity were already thrown in the train to the city of "forget-all-about-him". I could only grieve so much and if I'll let myself down for long, I would be a walking cadaver by now.

So, I let it all slip my mind and go through with my gay life.

And what is the best way to get over a very tormenting emotional pain but to replace it with a very excruciating and yet pleasurable physical exercise? And is there any other more convenient place to find it aside from the web?

I opened my G4M account after an era of disbelief because honestly, I'm not much of a fan of the well-chiseled abs, perfect smile and Adobe-Photoshopped pictures of guys in there but I told myself, "What the hell . . . . ."

And the search began . . . . .

I am a practicing homosexual since God knows when, I've been through both ends of the homosexual spectrum, I've seen all shapes and sizes . . . . and so I thought. As I browse through G4M, I can't help but wonder where in the f*cking world did these guys come from. I mean, don't get me wrong . . . . these are not just guys . . . . . that you see in your everyday life . . . . some of them didn't even cross my wet imaginations. I couldn't help but just clench my teeth because I know that that is the most I could do.

I want to be realistic . . . . so I just passed through their pages, really not thinking of hooking up with them, you know, because I don't want another anthology of heartache.

My own capacity for devotion is hypothetically focused on certain guys I saw walking the streets: strong-looking men who didn't aspire to conventional fame or happiness, who cleaved the air with definitive thoughtlessness. I looked as unobtrusively as possible at naive-looking guys who don't seem to exist, sullen college guys, and tough, cute boys who appear to be just in their post-puberty age but already thinking that they know everything.

I knew my interests were probably unhealthy. But they remained - they were the geography of my desire. A particular boy I saw sometime at the MRT with unkempt hair and an irritated expression could make me tingle by brushing my elbow with his sleeve.

And so . . . from one personal page to another . . . . I continued the search based from my "unhealthy" interests.

A couple of guys stood out.

One is a college student, studying somewhere in U-Belt, 19 years old and quite troubled and disturbed.

Another one looks boyish but he's already in his mid-twenties, working as a finance analyst, geeky as he may appear but based from his profile . . . I sensed depth and sincerity.

The third one is tough-looking, with the tattoo and a goatee going on, in a black sando with this "astig-ako" look plastered on his face. He looks dangerous but I guess still worth the try . . . . . anyway, I do not have any intentions of marrying him.

The fourth one is somewhat ordinary. 20+, lives with his folks, looking for a job, loner, loves music and reading books . . . . he'd prefer mind over matter.

And there were like a dozen more that I sent private messages to.

A part of me felt icky from what I just did but the majority said, there's really no harm in trying . . .

I wanted to surprise myself . . . . so I waited for like three days or so before I opened my account and saw a couple of messages. Most of which didn't make sense at all . . . and there were only two who made favorable responses: the ordinary, 20+ mind-over-matter guy and the geeky-finance-analyst.

Messages were exchanged to and fro until we came to the texting period, as what the usual routine would most probably dictate . . . . until a decision would be made to finally meet.

It was the 20+ mind-over-matter guy who first decided to meet me.

+

To be continued . . . . .

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR d' END

I just wanted to be happy . . . . to be genuinely happy. I couldn't ask for more. How hard could that be? Juggling more than one thing at a time has its drawbacks. But what could I do? I'm just one person . . . . I am taking care of a lot of responsibilities aside from myself. And there you go . . . my life has become a toilet duck being flushed down the drain.

I used to believe in the word love. The overrated, sugar-coated, backstabbing bitch called love. Not only once, not only twice, I've been a victim of it . . . countless of times, I end up staring at a ceiling ready to crack my skull open. Until the time came when I became sick and tired of it. I've became immune to its ridiculousness and its deceptive way to draw somebody into a pit full of double edged swords.

But then, once in a while, there's this imperceptible desire in me that I so wanted to ignore most of the times, but for as long as I don't pay attention to it, the more stronger it becomes. Maybe, it's human nature and there's nothing to do about it but to take action and God knows what will happen next.

I thought that I could find somebody that would complete me. I wanted somebody that could relate to me, somebody who has sense and could speak his mind. My past involvements with other guys consist of a patchwork of unwanted and wanted qualities that lead to nothing but a second-hand emotion. And then, somebody would step into my life . . . somebody that I could visualize as a person that would eventually accept and love me from dusk till dawn. But my charred optimism would only last to some extent until I realize that I’m dreaming wide awake because I wouldn’t stand a chance.

As of the moment, I'm writing this because I'm sadder than a stray kitten.

Some people would be afraid to admit this kind of things, but since that I have been totally honest in this blog, I might as well share my excruciating grief that I so painstakingly try not to feel.

I WAS DUMPED.

For the past few weeks, I tried to figure out what did I do the last time that we saw each other. Because the communication just died abruptly as if I never existed. I thought that maybe perhaps, he's just busy and all since his schedule in his work changed every now and then. I tried texting him a couple of times but all I got are cold and unfeeling replies. I figured I must have done something. But I couldn't think of any.

And then, earlier this afternoon, due to the depressing post-storm atmosphere and the fact that I spent the whole day just lying in bed, I decided to get in touch with him.

"Why do I have this feeling that you are deliberately isolating yourself from me?" I asked.

"I dunno rin. Maybe we became busy. And I read ur latest post and ure with Ronald na so I didn't bother 2 bug u na," he replied.

I paused for a while, thinking of my previous post in this godforsaken blog.

Then I replied, "Hus Ronald? U let urself be botherd by that post? Im not with anybody naman. Im still hoping that ud give me a chance. Bt I dnt knw if ur rily willing."

After a couple of minutes, the bomb finally landed in Hiroshima, "I got a BF na. Sa totoo lang, I got dismayed by your last post, go figure y."

At a moment, I could've wished that the earth would just open up and eat me alive.

But what else could I do?

I'm in no position to force myself into someone, who maybe, just forced himself to entertain me, in the first place.

And so I said, "That's all what I needed to hear. Thanks for the time."

The butterflies in my stomach turned into grey and coarse moths drilling their way into my innards. The happy thoughts turned to nightmares like sandcastles meticulously built in hours and just washed away by a monstrous wave in a blink of an eye. Thunderclouds overcast their dark shadows on my rainbow of hopefulness.

The spoonful of sugar turned into a bitter concoction that made me want to throw-up.

AN AFURFURFAIR TO REMEMBER

Sa totong buhay lang eh witchelles ko talaga betchay ang magcelebrate evur ng birthday. As in . . . kasi parang witchelles ko naman betchay ang concept na mega-happy ka na another year has gone by and eynimomentzzz eh pakyonti na nang pakyonti evur ang mga araw na ilalagak mey ever sa mundo. Meaning . . . pa-nearness of you na nang panearness of you . . . ang the momentz of ligwakan portion . . . tegibums is just around the corner!

In total fairness kay Atty Katrina Legarda eh naloka naman akey nang naloka, dahil ni witchelles ko man na-organize ng maayos ang sarili kong birthday evur. Dalawang back to baklang projects with Nickelodeon and Honda ang niratrat ng beauty kez first and second week of November. Ni witchelles ko nga learn kung dugo pa ba ang nanalaytay sa mga ugat kez eh puro C2 na at Lipovitan Ira. Pakshet!

Sa una eh betchay kong mag-more Government, since super feel at home but then witchelles ko kineri ang budjey na super-quote ni friendship Josh. Nakakadugo ng matres at parang baka after ng party eh malaglag na lang bigla ang mga nagningningan kong balakang!

Hanggang sa may nirekomenda ang isang friendiva kez sa workaloo na si Roxanne sa isang simplicity of culture na lugar ever sa Kamagong.

So hayun na nga, 2 days before D-Day eh inatakan namen ang bar-baran portion. Isa siyang payak na lugar . . . as in . . payak kung payak itu . . . ang may-jori ever eh isang guitarista ng isang nag-flopchinang rock band some one-hundred years ago. Kakaloka. So, more rock-rockan portion ang eksena doonchie . . . as in . . . na parang dinaanan ng sampung super thunderstorm at wala silang ginawa . . . .so very butch! Ang sakit sa bangs! Muntik nang dumugo ang mga bagang ko. But then, ala nang choice . . . at well, maganda naman and fair ang quote na ginivesung niya sa ‘kin good for sixty utawsingbelles with light lafang and more and more and more na nomu. So go na lang ng go! Join na lang ng join!

The night itself eh wala na rin akong panahong makapagpaparlor pa dahil sa sobrang kangaragan. Imagine, that Saturday morning eh saka lang natapos ang Honda event. So . . . less ang preparation sa pagpapabyonda. Shower na lang ang naging katapat.

Early evening eh I had dinner with my closest friends sa Café Bola . . . . Claude, in his most behaved mood (dahil nga daw moment ko yon) and Kiara, na kumain ng isang galong itim na eye liner para lang sa 80’s motiff ko! Ninamnam namin ang sinigang na lechon na may pakwan ni Margarita Fores! Si Rica naman eh nagmiganju . . . nag-meet lang kami earlier that afternoon para lang igivesung niya ang nyexpensive niyang gift sa ‘kin na shubangong pang-menthol! At bukod don eh naisipan pa niyang mag-sponsor ng sampung cases ng berangju. Ohhhh . . . laban kayo? Bisi-bisihan lang ang lola Rica ko dahil if I’m not mistaken eh meron siyang bagong karir . . . but ang nakakalokang factor don . . eh ewan ko rin kung paniniwalaan ko siya . . . . HIV+ ang bago niyang karir. Tumbling! (Saka na lang nating pagkwentuhan ang eksenang itu . . dahil as I said . . . moment ko toh! Hahahaha)

From Greenbelt eh direcho na kami sa venue, dahil may mga naunang mga bisitang witchelles ko learn kung saanchienabelles nagmula.

Pag-atak ko doonchie eh may-I-present tense na ang mga mudra, sisiterbelles, brotherbelles, friends ng sisterbelles at friends ng friends ng brotherbelles ng mga nyolaga naming bagets ng supermau. Wicthelles ko na-foresee na kelangan ko pa lang mag-entertain ng mga thundercats na lafangan ang habol.

Anyway, andun na sila . . . . . medyo close din naman sila sa ‘kin one way or the other . . . so mega-palafang na lang.

Hanggang sa lumalilm na nang lumalilm ang gabi at nagdatingan portion na ang mga old and new friendivas from all chapters of my life!

Dumating din ng maaga ang boss ko, si Ursula, with her super hottie bagtes lover na napulot niya kung saan mang gaybar. Kakaloka. Siya lang naman ang may pinaka-daks na boses doonchie na parang siya ang hostess ng party ever.

Ininvite ko si Mr. Spoonful of Sugar. Dumating naman siya with 3 other friends. Kaso di rin ako masyadong nakasegway sa kanya dahil unang-una eh nung dumating sila eh parang humiwalay na ang kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko sa sobrang kalasingan at pangalawa eh super jiyaers portion din akembang sa mga kajointlackles niyang friendivas.

Meron pa kong isang unexpected guest na dumating . . . . na-meet ko siya sa Subic ‘nung ginawa namin yung Subic Bay Pride, isa siya sa mga prime movers ng “Ang Ladlad” at in fairness ‘nung mga time sa Subic na iyonchie eh medyo nakakiligan ko siya at mejo kumibot din ang natutulog kong mga tinggil. Akala ko talaga eh witchelles na kami magsa-sight sight ever. So nasurprise naman daw ako sa presence niya with matching lips to lips pagdating na buti na lang witchelles nasight ni Mr. Spoonful of Sugar (sana).

Pero ang pinakanakakaloka eh ang pagdating ni Raymond. Syet! Banggitin ko talaga ang pangalan niya da ‘vah? Anyway, si Raymond naman eh matagal nang friend ni Kiara. Matagal ko na rin siyang kakilala at matagal ko na rin siyang krases pero wala lang chances and opportunity kaya witchelles ko ma-pursue ang kung anuman sa kanya. Naloka na lang ako nung nagtext-sami siya sa ‘ken ang few days before my birthday to greet me in advance. At nag-meet pa kami 2 days before. Mireseng suyudin niya ang Pasay para lang hanapin akey hey hey hey! Super ask pa siya kung anechiwa raw ang betchay kong gift from him, chika ko naman eh witchelles naman akong materyosong tao . . . na maski presence lang niya eh kering-keri na . . . then, sabay hiret siya . . gusto mo sarili ko na lang ang i-gift ko sa yo . . . naloka naman daw ako don . . sabay banat na . . . gusto mo eh ibalot ko pa . . . . kakaloka . . . hanggang sa sinakyan ko na lang . . chika ko na wag na niyang ibalot dahil huhubarin ko rin naman! Hahahaha. Bastos ko noh!? Sorry! Ang pagkakatrina talaga eh waing jinijiling panahon at walang jinijiling oras.

So, hayon na nga . . . . more nomu na sa party . . . di ko na alam kung pano ko hahatiin ang katawan ko dahil ang guests ko eh deadma sa isa’t isa.

Hanggang sa nagkaroon na ng elimination portion at natira na lang talaga ang mga super-closest sa ‘kin . . . HighSchool friends, si Grace at si Francheska, friends from former work . . si Madonna . . . si Kiara, si Claude . . . at higit sa lahat . . nagpaiwan si Raymond.

No holds bar na ang labanan sa inuman at sa kantahan . . . pati kami ni Raymond eh no holds bar na ren . . dahil na rin siguro sa sobrang kakatihan ko at bunsad ng pagdaloy nang kakaibang mala-demonyong tadkyak ng alkohol eh hindi ko na namalayan na pinagjujubad ko na si Raymond sa harapan ko infront of the others . . . . at ang luko-loko naman eh walang patumanggang may-I-follow.

Hanggang sa hayon . . . nauwi din sa uwian ang lahat. Witchelles ko na nga learn kung paano pa akey hey hey nakajuwi nung mga oras na yon . . .

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR (PART 2)

It was not so much of a date actually . . . . one afternoon, I just so happened to be in the Greenbelt area. I texted him, it's just one of those random texts that I sent him when I feel like blabbering things happening in my day to day activity (as if there's much to blabber about). It was already late in the afternoon, I thought that he'd be drowsing off already 'coz he has this Eastern Standard Time bodyclock being a call(center)boy. I'm not even expecting anything. And then, he replied . . . he was in G4 playing arcade.

Over the boiling coffee of McCafe with a slight wind caused by a mild drizzle . . . I smiled. The dark clouds covering the afternoon sky was definitely in contrast to my "Sunny Sunday Morning" feeling. I could've felt like a colegiala being tickled in the clitoris for the first time.

It was a weird smile, I must admit. Suddenly, my monster of a production assistant looked at me and asked if I'm okay.

"I'm more than okay," I replied.

Then I started to compose my text message for HIM.

We have been planning for a meet-up (or date, or whatever you wanna call it) for weeks and our schedules wouldn't agree with each other. Me, being a slave of the entertainment and the events industry . . . on-call 24/7 . . . and him being . . . a . . oh well . . . . a callcenter boy. There had been a lot of re-scheduling and a lot of cancellations . . . it was like fixing the sched of Cher in her 4th Farewell concert and Barbra's ressurection in her current US tour.

Anyway, that very afternoon, the inevitable happened.

I told him where exactly I was and that I was supposed to meet with a client but after two and half hours, there was still no sign of any client. I could've made use of that wasted time bringing my rollers and blow-dry and fixing myself a Farrah Faucet hair, it was such a waste of time not until . . . . he told me that he'll drop by.

Suddenly, I felt that most of my blood left my head and went to God knows which part of my body. I don't know if it's because I was ecstatic that I would be finally meeting him again and that I would be able to cast my eyes on those beautiful eyes, well-accentuated jaws, the five-o'clock shadow and not to mention that "kutis-kamagong skin" or if it's because of the fact that I haven't had a decent sleep for the past 48 hours and that it would be a total understatement if I said that I looked like shit.

Anyway, there was no turning back . . . . it's either face the fact that I looked like shit and I had the guts to meet him or I had the guts to meet him and I looked like shit.

After a couple of minutes . . . . I guess that was the longest fifteen-minute wait of my entire life, I saw him from afar. I waved at him, I stood up and headed to the entrance of McCafe to greet him. I was just able to make a few steps when I heard the high-pitched voice of my client blaring at me like a wild goose whose feathers are being plucked at that instant. I just smiled and whispered to Bing, my monster of a production assistant to accommodate our gargantuan client for a while and that since she's late, I have to attend to a high-priority appointment.

I left the two monsters at peace for a while as I approached him and shook and his hand. My god! I haven't seen that face for a long time and I could've sworn to God that that face fucking haunted me in my (wet)dreams for years.

We went out of McCafe and began to walk. It was those kinds of walks that could've seemed senseless at first because of not having any directions at all but in the end, it was a kind of walk . . . . that . . . pardon me for sounding so Mandy Moorish . . . is worth remembering.

We went around Greenbelt in that dark afternoon and talked about a lot of stuff. There were a lot of catching up and a lot of clarifications because of us having a not-so-verbal relationship in the past.

And we walked and walked . . . . .

In ordinary days, I could curse that walk . . . but in that special day . . . those meters (or kilometers) are worth the walk.

I really do not know why I'm writing so much about a fucking walk but anyway, I really couldn't hide the fact that I enjoyed that very short time with him.

And then, we both decided to see each other again.

+++++++

My life has become an emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, that is also one of the reasons why I haven't really attended to this blog of mine for quite a while. Being a brother, a son . . . working your fucking ass night and day . . . having friends who sometimes drag you to their misery . . . . having a fucking boytoy who actually thought that he could milk you like a cow . . . is not so much of an easy task to do.

And sometimes, when we feel down . . . and when we feel that there's no one else left in this world aside from your-self-pitying-crybaby-suicidal-self . . . we look for a little spark of hope somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light, as James Ingram and Linda Rondstadt once said.

And then, you hold on to something immaterial . . . . to a faith you've lost long ago (or you decided to throw away).

I no longer know what I'm saying here. But I need to do my segue already or this will bore the shit out of you guys . . . . .

As our dear supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Mary Poppins once said . . . . a spoonful of sugar helps the medicince go down . . . however bitter life is . . . . however painful the last night fuck is . . . . we could still look at the brighter side of things.

If you feel REJECTION staring at you in the face . . . . . no worries . . . . we can all get hold of OLAY + . . . to battle the seven signs of aging! At least . . REJECTION can stare on a seemingly not-aging beautiful face.

++++++++

Another year will be added to my lifeline this coming November 11. I am hosting a party that very same date . . . . . . I want you guys to show your love and be with me on SATURDAY !!!!!

It will be a mini-event with a mini-walk-off of some of the most sought-after models in the industry. And also . . . a "Thank You Party" of one of my very special friends who left the "house" a couple of weeks ago.

This invitation is open to everyone . . . . big or small . . . gay, straight, or straight-pretending to be gay just for the fun of it or gay-pretending-to-be-straight-for-no-reason-at-all or whatever . . . . .

If you're coming, just shoot me an email so that I could send the invitation to you!

++++++

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR . . . .

As most people would dare notice, this is my first entry after a hundred and so years of hiatus and that this is somewhat or rather completely different entry as opposed to my previous ones.

I've been busier than a carabao during plowing season these past few months because the final quarter of the year is just around the corner and projects keep on coming.

Anyway, this entry is dedicated to myself! I hope I like it! Echoz! Seriously, this entry is especially for a person that is yet to become a very important part of my life (I Hope!!!! I'm so conceited.. Harharhhar!) And he's probably reading this right now.

I have met this person a few years back when my life consisted of basically nothing aside from the fact that I was in my self-discovery phase and my world revolved around deviance, self-expression, pride, marijuana, alcohol, endless parties, egoistic exercises, and conceiving a grand masterplan to eradicate the entire human existence among others. I was lost, and I hate everything that walks, talks, and those who do not put on blush-on properly and have no idea of how valuable SPF 15 is. Anyway, going back to the guy, we met during some gathering that I now find so ridiculous, I couldn't even write anything about it.

To be honest, I had a huge crush on him . . . as in huge . . . but I was so self-absorbed to even notice or acknowledge my attraction to him.

He was simple, quiet but then even before, I could sense that he has a deeper and captivating personality. What I could remember, if my memory serves me right, is that he had this certain fun-loving yet enigmatic aura that made me gravitate toward him as a blackhole sucks everything in its vicinity. I could also remember that I used to keep his picture in my wallet. I don't know how I got hold of that, I don't know if I asked him for that, or I asked somebody to ask him. That I really can't remember. Anyway, it was this passport size picture, though how unflattering it may sound, it still gives me this hair-raising, jaw-clenching-hands-clasping-on-a-table moment of bliss. However, I lost my wallet, we lost communication and there goes the bliss (as if there was really a communication). And oh! By the way, at those times, he had this not-so-uber-hot but . . . . still hot lover whom compared to me is like comparing a butterfly to a moth.

So, for a couple of years, he was just part of my selective memory stashed somewhere in the attic of my subconcious together with the boa feathers and the off-shoulder shirts. . . . .

And then . . . I discovered G4M. Now I know, it sound sooooooo stereotypical but hey! A gay's got to do what a gay's got to do. And besides, I do not want to be stuck in the siberia of cyberworld, forever writing in this blog, while knitting all the flags of the 266 countries of the world.

It was so funny 'coz I came across this forum or thread or whatever the hell you wanna call it - that talks about blogs, gay blogs for that matter. I was surprised to see that some guys recommended badinggerzie. And then, I saw this certain guy in the thread, 'coz they have their pictures also posted there, who sparked a tingling effect in my stomach.

He said there, "I like badinggerzie . . . "

"What the hell," I said to myself and doubleclicked his profile and sent him a message. By the way, due to privacy reasons, I am usng a different name in G4M.

My message to him goes like, "badinggerzie likes you too."

Okay fine!!! Guilty as charged! You can shoot me in Luneta if I won't say that the reason I flirted with him was that I liked his picture and secondly, he has an interest with me (badinggerzie). Sometimes, it gets confusing when you have multiple personalities online. Anyway, I did not read his profile.

After a few days when I sat again in from of my computer with a smile plastered on my face, the same smile that a seven year old girl probably has on her birthday waiting for that surprise gift, which she knows will be a barbie doll, togther with a barbie house, an entire spring collection, a barbie car and of course, Ken . . . . I opened my G4M account and it says there somewhere that I have a message and that I have to go to my message inbox to read (Duh?! I might be gay but Im not stupid to look for my message in the "edit profile folder")

Anyway, the message was from him. I opened it as excited as the sexless jollibee.

The message from him was: "How did you know?"

Then, I smiled, the bridget jones smile and sent a reply: "Let's just say that I am very close to him . . . . "

After that, we had a couple of message exchanges that lasted for about a week or so until he decided to give me his number.

I texted him . . . now, it was more convenient, I do not have to wait for days for a reply.

On our text phase . . . he mentioned that I am somewhat familiar to him. (At this time, I haven't recognize him yet as the guy that I used to have a huge crush on). And he asked if we have already met each other, then, he asked me if I know this certain "friend", he dropped a name, and from there . . . I knew that he was HE whom I owe a lot of my faceless wetdreams that has been bothering me these past few years! Echoz!

Yeah! That's him! That was the guy that I was looking at during those "gatherings" from afar.

After a few more grueling text exchanges for days . . . . . he asked if he can ask me out . . . .

To be continued......