Sunday, February 07, 2010

FOURTH STAGE: DEPRESSION

I have thought not only twice but thrice about blogging about this. But before anything else, I just want to make a disclaimer, I am too sad to blogginderzie this post. Now, if you are looking for fun and something to laugh at and you don’t want to succumb to my cries of desperation and pathetic nuisances … then I would strongly suggest that you close this blog and skip to another site or do something awful to someone.

I guess that it is still always easy to start with how you are feeling when you want to blog about something. Well, I’m hurt right now ….maybe hurt is a bit of an understatement … try devastated. Okay, so I’m a bit devastated. I would really want to tell why and write down the entire story here but I don’t think that I have enough strength and courage to do that without slashing my wrists or jumping out of my window.

My abominable mother has relentlessly reminded me that this day would come. Well, I’ve experienced this day before, a couple of times …. I’m experiencing it right now, which does not really make me feel less hurt …. and I bet my skinny ass and my 25inch waist that I will continue experiencing this time and time again.

The feeling has always been the same only the names and the faces of the people causing this constantly change.

I will not forget that day when my mother and I are setting up the table for a family dinner, when she said, “Kung pipiliin mong maging ganyan (bading) …. Kailangan mong tanggapin na tatanda ka nang mag-isa. Gusto mo bang tumandang mag-isa?”

I didn’t answer and I just shrugged my shoulder. At that point, I really didn’t think of my mother as a good resource speaker when it comes to homosexual life. I just thought that she perhaps was just playing tricks on me as she always does, like when I was five, she keeps on telling me that if get wounded, a train will come out of the wound. Well, I surely got wounded, but no train came out, that ruined my mom’s credibility.

Now, when these sad moments come to me, I always have the inkling to look back and play the “what if” game in my mind. What if I will be given the chance to turn back time and go back to the point wherein I have to choose between the Gay & Fabulous Avenue and the Straight & Dull Boulevard, would I be choosing differently?

One part of me says yes …. But a bigger and a more flamboyant part of me says “Hell NO!”.

So, I just need to live with it. Yesterday, I felt a throbbing pain from a space underneath my rib cage where a heart is supposed to be strategically placed, when MHW didn’t text me.

For the past five days, we have been constantly having lunch together.

In the middle of the day, he would text me and tell me that he will go out to grab lunch … “WANNA COME?”. At first, I hesitated. Again, it’s the foolishness and the idea of being a querida creeps into me like a humid breeze in a sunny El Nino afternoon. But my attraction towards him had grown into something inexplicable. I have bargained and I accepted the consequences (and so I thought).

So regardless of whatever I was doing within those days, when MHW texts, I’ll either have to sneak out of a meeting or cancel everything all throughout, go out, meet him somewhere discreet and enjoy our stolen moments.

Thursday night, I blurted out something to him that I shouldn’t have had. I told him how I enjoy his company and like how things are working out for the two of us. Then, he threw a very weird gaze at me as if I have just spoken in an unfamiliar language.

I curled into a defensive mode and told him that I am not expecting anything deeper and more serious than this and that I know that we’ve known each other “personally” for a very short span of time.

Then, he finally spoke. “Bernz, as much as possible, I want this to continue and I want to get to know you more .. but …”

Yeah! There you have it! There should always be a “but”! There MUST always be a “BUT”!

I stopped him in mid-sentence, “I don’t want your “as much as possibles” …. we can go on like this and for you, I am willing to be the second …… the third …. or even the fourth best!”

And that’s when the SHIT hits the pan.

He just smiled, then touched the back of my head and caressed it like a father does to his two year old son.

But what can I do? I always tend to be vulnerable to this … I always develop feelings for people whom I am not supposed to develop feelings to. Because whenever I do … I always end up either hitting a prick (brick) wall or pulling my hair out of my scalp.

So, yesterday, I have waited patiently for his text at around lunch time and no text came in. After thirty minutes, I stepped out of my aquarium and looked for him. Somebody said he already left for lunch.

My inner-self have warned me against what I will have to do next. But I still did. I went down and looked for him.

It just took me around five minutes to find him. And there he was in a fast food eating with (I assumed to be) “THE LEGAL WIFE”.

I was looking from a couple of meters away and felt as if a bee stung me. I was paralyzed for a moment, I can’t move and I can’t even think.

I just turned my back and walked away.

RICA, being a very good and sympathetic friend told me through text, “Why would you be hurt? Did he even become yours?”

I replied, “You don’t need to have or own someone, in order for that someone to hurt you.”

We are incessantly being hurt by people, hell, we are being hurt by people that we don’t even freaking like. Hurt and pain is inevitable ….. and for a faggot like me … it comes in trenches … it amplifies to the point of depression, suicidal tendencies and pathetic musings such as this.

The question …. “HOW COME NOBODY LOVES ME?” ….. always come to mind.

But at the end … you will have to make a choice … let yourself be affected by it … do something about it … or just move on ….

17 comments:

Darc Diarist said...

hugs.

if it's any consolation, depression means you're closer to acceptance.

citybuoy said...

wow. first time na walang blogginderzie. i can see your writing skills as clear as day and i'm impressed. :D

---

there there, berns. self pity won't get you anywhere.

first things first, tell us if you're really sold on this number 2 business. your mother was right. being gay gives a high tendency to have a lonely life. being with someone who's already taken just upps those chances.

i'm not judging you. i just want you to know that we're always here to listen. i hope things will be better for everyone involved. smile! :D

daredevilry said...

make sure you have all the people you get your strength from around you on times like these. i hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.

~Carrie~ said...

Hugs

You'll get through this, ate.

BERNADETTE said...

@darc: this story if ought to lead there.

cb: thanks a lot.regarding the number 2 business. honestly, di ko alam ... i just dont understand why i have to fall in love with someone who's not available. ewan ko ba talaga.

sabi nga ni ate julia, love moves in mysterious ways ... di ko maconnect .. pero parang ganun na ren yun.

@daredevilry: i know .. so inuman na toh mamaya ...

@carrie: hugs back ... tenchu so much

Rygel said...

parang impostor yung nagsulat ng post na toh ah hehehe

blagadag said...

love mo nga sya. pero uten ra na sya.

move on. grab a better partner in life. but first, learn to love yourself first.

the bottom line is, gaano ka man kagaling sa iyong career at passion sa pagsulat, kung tanga kang umibig, tanga ka pa rin.

sorry sa strong words. pero kaya mo yan, bernz.

** said...

Hi Bernz!

I chance upon your blog, and I couldn't help but feel for you.

It's not the end of the world. You will find the one who is available and will love you back. Yes, it hurts, but I promise you it will pass.

Have I found my one true love? Not yet, but I never lose hope. Sabi nga sa kanta ni Manilyn Reynes, "somewhere along the way, there's someone who patiently waits!"

Is there happily ever after for us? Yes, as long as you keep believing.

Sensya na sa drama.

Galen said...

These things happen, to remind us what our place is.

Like you, I've been in the downs lately. Huwag kang mag-alala, tinatanong ko rin yang mga tanong mo.

Cheer up.

a46479 said...

*hugs*

been there been that. the excuses, the justifications, the whatevers. but hell! u have to admit, the feeling when you're with him is so intoxicating. or maybe more than that already. and the thing is, you can't help but seek for more. more so when he's not pushing you away.

unsolicited advice. when you're not strong enough to say stop, then enjoy the moments that you have with him. but remember that that day will come when this has to stop. you have to be strong coz it will hurt like hell. friends will be very dear then.

unless, of course, the unexpected happen.

smile naman jan. kahit depressed, dapat maganda pa rin!

iurico said...

Gawd! I feel for you. I really do.

http://comfortingoblivion.blogspot.com/2009/10/haunting-of-my-past.html

I just hope you'd get over it like I did. Compose, breathe then scream at them - pangit kayo!!!

LOL

iurico said...

Im officially a fan! I've been backreading.

I hope you dont mind if I link you up in my blog.

Thanks

Thad said...

Ok lang yan girl, you will not be the first. The problem with being attracted to straight guys is that there is usually just one ending- it'll fall apart eventually. It's nature itself- syempre he will always look for a woman, kaya nga sya straight. Us pa-girls cannot give the same fulfillment that a woman can give to a man- a relationship that is "love-giving" and "life-giving". Unless may ovaries at uterus na tayo haha... But there are exceptions of course, but don't count on it much baka ma-disappoint lang ang lola mo.

I totally disagree what they say about gay guys growing old alone. We CAN have long term relationships which are meaningful, and we CAN be parents and go through the same experiences of growing old like a "regular" straight person. Depende lang sa couple yun. Like what my partner said, "It's not gonna be easy".. but all relationships naman take work from both partners, mas bonggang-bongga nga lang talaga sa gay couples.

Cheer up! Meron talagang mga flirty straight guys who would like your ahem... attention, whether for curiosity's or fun's sake. Next time alam mo na to take control of the situation. Nasa sa'yo na yun kung patulan mo o hinde but think of the consequences and be on your guard always.. From what I've read subordinate mo pala sya? hehe buti di kayo na-HR :-)

Take care! Love your blog

Anonymous said...

wow naka 4th stage ka na..
D- Denial
A- Anger
B- Bargaining
D- Depression

A ang last stage lowlah..

A- ACCEPTANCE.

Remember ang acronym DABDA..

hehhee

Anonymous said...

hi'''

Viagra said...

You will get over this!

Elliott Broidy said...

This is filled with great information. Hope you feel better soon.