THIS IS TOO MUCH

See the sanitized version of me:


http://toomulch.blogspot.com

KING COBRA

Sa truelili lang eh witchelles akembang naging super fan ng gay bars – as in yung haves ng mga dancur effect. Ewan ko ba, witchelles lang siguro akey namulat sa ganuong kultura.

Sa tanan ng kabaklaan kez eh tatlong beses pa lang akez nakaatak ng gay bar.

Yung una eh yung 18 years old palang akez non at isang coming of age gift lang sa akin ng isang older heterosexual menchus na jinsan-ara kez. Naloka ako sa concept. Sa mga panahon na iyon, ang tanging batayan ko lang ng gay bar at macho dancers eh ang pelikulang SIBAK at ang MACHO DANCERS ni Lino Brocka.

Witchelles naman akey nalurkey nang bonggang-bongga. So, haves lang ng mga lulurking naka-pukiy shorts, nakakalokang Botswana na dadaigin pa ang mga majorette, na super dance galore lang sa stage sa himig ng “Til Death Do Us Apart” ng White Lion.

After that na-realize ko lang na I’m not a gay bar gay type.

Pangalwang atak ko eh around five years ago. Inaya lang akey ng mga bilat work friends at umatak kami sa isang gay bar sa may Betty Go Del Monte. Witchelles ko rin naman na-enjoy at witchelles ko ren na-betty Go Del Monte ang eksena dahil more bilat-bilatan portion ang entourage.

At ang pangatlong atak kez eh last week lang.

Dahil depress-depressan nga ang drama ko with MHW, I decided to take a five-day vacay leave from work.

So, Claude, Kiara, Rica, Jessica and me decided to have an impromptu retreat and go to Subic.

During our last day, dahil sa naubusan na kami ng reli, parang everybody agreed na mag-gay bar na lang. At first, it came out as a joke until everybody agreed na it’s not really so much of a bad idea.

Nakarating kami sa outskirts ng Subic dahil na ren sa recommendation ng isang friendiva na taga-don. Medyo ngarag na raw kasi ang beauty ng mga dancurs ng mga gay bar sa city proper kaya super atak kami sa isang far-away place hanggang sa nakarating kami sa “King Cobra”.

Nag park kami sa tapat ng establishment. Pero witchelles pa kami bumaba. For five minutes eh nagdedebate ang mga baklaire kung go ba or not go even though learnt naman naming sa isa’t isa ay may kanya-kanyang kilig sa mga virtual tinggil ang pinipigil.

So hayun na nga, nagbabaan din ang mga badinggerzie. Atak kung atak!!!

Bago pa kami makajosok eh nakahearsung kami ng dalwang buzz. Later on, I learned na may mga super buzz effect pala na eksena pag may bagong kyostomer … at pag dalawang buzz daw eh kyostomer na haves ng karumba. Kalurkey ang concept.

It was a weekday pero nakakaloka ng slight dahil medyo plenty ang utawsingbelles … pero more ang bilat. Ganito na siguro ang kalakaran sa gay bars, more bilat kyostomers ang labanan. Eh baket wit na lang showraging girl bar da ‘vah?

Pagjosok namin eh may isang menchus ang super dancerette sa stage. Super indayog si kuya na parang walang verterbrae at parang uod na binudburan ng asin. Although, witchelles naming betchay si kuya dahil medyo thunders at haves ng mga unwanted fats eh pinagpilitan naming jumupostrax sa super harapan ng stage. Sayang naman ang pinunta namin dun kung witchelles naming mae-enchance ang mga umeeksena.

Sa truelili lang eh wala naman akez masyadong ineexpect. Same old – same old and I know na nothing astonishing will come up. Talagang trip trip lang.

So more nongga and more watch nang nagpapapalit palit ang mga dancurs. Iba-iba ang mga fezlack. Iba-iba ang shortawan pero pare-parehas ang dance steps.

Hanggang sa na interrupt ang show nang mga dalwang veklores ang tumuntong sa stage at nagchikang, “this is the time that you have been waiting for?”

Shinorwag nila ang mga menchus sa stage at nag-line up ang mga kuya.

Ang eksena pala eh more pilian portion na kung sinetch ang bet na i-table.

Naloka kami sa line up kasi may mga nag-appear na mga jugets na witchelles pa naming na-sight na mag-dance.

Kami lang ang nilapitan ng mga becky para mamili ng dancur.

At first eh super laftir lang kami sa eksena, pero nahulog naman bigla ang matres ko ng super sight sa min ang mga menchus especially yung mga bagets na kalalabas lang. Mga tipong napag-utusan lang ng mga magulang na bumili ng suka at ang ending eh nag-sayaw na sa bar. More freshness ang labanan.

So, for the sake of fun eh ang trip-trip namin was notched up a level higher. We decided na i-table naming ang mga bagets.


TO BE CONTINUED …

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I know that this might be a little delayed, pero kiver!

February 14, 2010 – bonggang bonggang hung over. Betchay ko lang palipasin ang araw na iyon nang nakahiga sa kama at mabyorlog nang 48 years. Ganun naman siguro talaga ang eksena kapag single ka at medyo abs bitter herbs capsule ang drama mo sa buhay tuwing Valentine’s day eh parang gusto mo na lang kainin ng lupa.

Ang isa pang nakakaloka eh ang bonggang-bonggang mga text messages na nare-receive mo greeting you a Happy Valentine’s day. Kung lukaluka lang siguro akembang eh pinagsasagutan ko ang lahat ng mga text nang “Hindi nga happy eh … hindi happy!”

Pero ang pinakanakakalokang text na nashonggap ko eh from MHW: “Hi Bernz, happy valentine’s!! Hope your doin fine. Sana pansinin mo na ulit ako. Friends pa ren naman tayo di ba?”

Tambling!

‘Nung first time na na-sightchinabelles ko siya with his jowaers morrisette na nagsusubuan ng spaghetti sa McDonalds na halos ikinabaliwag bulacan kez eh I decided na witchelles ko yata talaga kering maging kabitseena.

Pwede kong ichikang super happy ako pag magjointlackles kami sa mga eksena. Pwede ko reng ichika na walang selos factor na involved at witchelles ako magdedemand nang something pero witchelles. Habang tumatagal eh lumalala. Witchelles ko naman yatang betchay na dumating sa point na papipiliin ko siya between me at sa legal wife at ang ending eh uuwi lang akong luhaan with a consolation prize, bitbit ang majiit na bouquet na punung-puno nang angel’s breath.

Najisip kong pag kabitseena ka eh hanggang first runner up lang talaga ang beauty mo at wala sa iyo ang korona.

Pinilit ko na talagang tapusin ang lahat. I thought I was ready to let go.

Shinutol ko na ang lahat nang koneksiyon namin sa office. Witchelles ko na rin pinapakealaman kung anu man ang ginagawa niya.

Tapos biglang babatiin niya akembang ng “Happy Valentine’s Day” …. nyeta! Learn ba niyang witchelles happy ang Valentine’s ko because of him. Ampf!

FOURTH STAGE: DEPRESSION

I have thought not only twice but thrice about blogging about this. But before anything else, I just want to make a disclaimer, I am too sad to blogginderzie this post. Now, if you are looking for fun and something to laugh at and you don’t want to succumb to my cries of desperation and pathetic nuisances … then I would strongly suggest that you close this blog and skip to another site or do something awful to someone.

I guess that it is still always easy to start with how you are feeling when you want to blog about something. Well, I’m hurt right now ….maybe hurt is a bit of an understatement … try devastated. Okay, so I’m a bit devastated. I would really want to tell why and write down the entire story here but I don’t think that I have enough strength and courage to do that without slashing my wrists or jumping out of my window.

My abominable mother has relentlessly reminded me that this day would come. Well, I’ve experienced this day before, a couple of times …. I’m experiencing it right now, which does not really make me feel less hurt …. and I bet my skinny ass and my 25inch waist that I will continue experiencing this time and time again.

The feeling has always been the same only the names and the faces of the people causing this constantly change.

I will not forget that day when my mother and I are setting up the table for a family dinner, when she said, “Kung pipiliin mong maging ganyan (bading) …. Kailangan mong tanggapin na tatanda ka nang mag-isa. Gusto mo bang tumandang mag-isa?”

I didn’t answer and I just shrugged my shoulder. At that point, I really didn’t think of my mother as a good resource speaker when it comes to homosexual life. I just thought that she perhaps was just playing tricks on me as she always does, like when I was five, she keeps on telling me that if get wounded, a train will come out of the wound. Well, I surely got wounded, but no train came out, that ruined my mom’s credibility.

Now, when these sad moments come to me, I always have the inkling to look back and play the “what if” game in my mind. What if I will be given the chance to turn back time and go back to the point wherein I have to choose between the Gay & Fabulous Avenue and the Straight & Dull Boulevard, would I be choosing differently?

One part of me says yes …. But a bigger and a more flamboyant part of me says “Hell NO!”.

So, I just need to live with it. Yesterday, I felt a throbbing pain from a space underneath my rib cage where a heart is supposed to be strategically placed, when MHW didn’t text me.

For the past five days, we have been constantly having lunch together.

In the middle of the day, he would text me and tell me that he will go out to grab lunch … “WANNA COME?”. At first, I hesitated. Again, it’s the foolishness and the idea of being a querida creeps into me like a humid breeze in a sunny El Nino afternoon. But my attraction towards him had grown into something inexplicable. I have bargained and I accepted the consequences (and so I thought).

So regardless of whatever I was doing within those days, when MHW texts, I’ll either have to sneak out of a meeting or cancel everything all throughout, go out, meet him somewhere discreet and enjoy our stolen moments.

Thursday night, I blurted out something to him that I shouldn’t have had. I told him how I enjoy his company and like how things are working out for the two of us. Then, he threw a very weird gaze at me as if I have just spoken in an unfamiliar language.

I curled into a defensive mode and told him that I am not expecting anything deeper and more serious than this and that I know that we’ve known each other “personally” for a very short span of time.

Then, he finally spoke. “Bernz, as much as possible, I want this to continue and I want to get to know you more .. but …”

Yeah! There you have it! There should always be a “but”! There MUST always be a “BUT”!

I stopped him in mid-sentence, “I don’t want your “as much as possibles” …. we can go on like this and for you, I am willing to be the second …… the third …. or even the fourth best!”

And that’s when the SHIT hits the pan.

He just smiled, then touched the back of my head and caressed it like a father does to his two year old son.

But what can I do? I always tend to be vulnerable to this … I always develop feelings for people whom I am not supposed to develop feelings to. Because whenever I do … I always end up either hitting a prick (brick) wall or pulling my hair out of my scalp.

So, yesterday, I have waited patiently for his text at around lunch time and no text came in. After thirty minutes, I stepped out of my aquarium and looked for him. Somebody said he already left for lunch.

My inner-self have warned me against what I will have to do next. But I still did. I went down and looked for him.

It just took me around five minutes to find him. And there he was in a fast food eating with (I assumed to be) “THE LEGAL WIFE”.

I was looking from a couple of meters away and felt as if a bee stung me. I was paralyzed for a moment, I can’t move and I can’t even think.

I just turned my back and walked away.

RICA, being a very good and sympathetic friend told me through text, “Why would you be hurt? Did he even become yours?”

I replied, “You don’t need to have or own someone, in order for that someone to hurt you.”

We are incessantly being hurt by people, hell, we are being hurt by people that we don’t even freaking like. Hurt and pain is inevitable ….. and for a faggot like me … it comes in trenches … it amplifies to the point of depression, suicidal tendencies and pathetic musings such as this.

The question …. “HOW COME NOBODY LOVES ME?” ….. always come to mind.

But at the end … you will have to make a choice … let yourself be affected by it … do something about it … or just move on ….

THIRD STAGE: BARGAINING

Isang buong linggo akong parang wala sa huwisyo. Part na ren siguro yung pagka-imbernackles ko kay MHW at sa samu’t saring pressure sa workikay. Sa mga oras na ganito ay super wish akez na sana eh naging beauty queen na lang akez for more effortless galore.

Friday shift eh I got an invitation from one of the bilat managers na di ko naman masyadong close sa office, may birthday celebration daw siya somewhere in Makati, Saturday night.

Chika ka witchickles ko pa sureness kung makakaatak akez. Parang the last thing I have in mind eh to spend my weekend off with officemates. Kasi parang useless, for sure eh work at work pa ren ang pag-uusapan at wala akong peace of mind na ma-achieve.

Pinipilit ako ni Anna na pumunta. Sabi niya everyone is going daw.

Akez naman. Derm!

“No! As in EVERYONE!” chika niya sabay tingin kay MHW na nagmumukmok lang sa station niya.

“Alam ko namang lahat ng rampage na you’re doing right now against MHW is nothing but a simple papansin!”

For the record, eh wai pang idea si Anna or anyone in office about that “afternoon delight”, as far as they know, eh parang deads na deads lang ang drama ko kay kuya.

So I finally decided to join the birthday party.

*

A couple of hours before the party eh paran na-excite naman ako nang slight.

EXPECTATIONS:

Siyempre parang bet ko namang magpakaglamorosa at magpaka-engrande, it even crossed my mind na magpa-parlor at magpasadya ng gown kay Paul Cabral, but then, dahil sa kapos sa oras eh deadma. I’ll settle for jeans, loafers, white shirt, jacket.

I’ll arrive fashionably late. Para namang hindi halatang masyadong excited.

Pagdating sa party. More chika-chikahan portion. Lafang-lafangan portion. Nongga-nonggahan portion.

But all along eh nasa peripheral vision ko si MHW, walang kausap sa isang sulok pero panay ang nakaw nang tingin sa akin.

Akez naman, dapat naka-timing ang hawi ng hair, ang pag-isolate ng leeg, ang pag-pout ng lips at ang pagtaas ng kilay na parang nasa isang couture na photo shoot.

Hindi ko siya papansinin hanggang sa makakahanap siya ng time na maso-solo niya akembang.

Lalapitan niya akez. May mga kabog akong mararamdaman sa dibdib ko na parang may mga kabayong nag-uunahan pero witchelles ako magpapahalata.

Compose … compose … i-channel si Miriam Quiambao.

Pagkalapit na pagkalapit niya eh titingnan niya muna ako habang super wet lang ako ng lips. Sabay shushorlak siya nang, “Bernz! I would like to apologize for whatever I did. I didn’t mean to hurt or disappoint you.”

Akez naman eh i-iiwas ang tingin sa kanya. Titingin sa malayo sabay deadma pa ren.

“Bernz! What happened between us could have been a mistake. Pero ginusto ko yon. Can you forgive me? I like you a lot. I have already broken up with my lover. Matagal kong pinag-isipan ito. Pero now, I am ready. Pwede bang mag-start tayo all over again?”

Ibabalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. May mga ngiting namumuo sa labi pero pinipigilan pa ren na mahalata. Titingnan ko lang siya. Hindi siya nagsisinungaling. May sincerity ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Shet! This is it! This is really really it!!!

And then, we will live happily ever after.

*

Pero sa totoong buhay, hindi lahat nang ineexpect na mangyari eh talagang nangyayari at pwedeng mangyari.

So ano talaga ang nangyari?

I arrived fahionably late pa ren. But when I arrived, wala pa don si MHW.

More chika-cika. More lafang-lafang. More nongga-nonnga.

Kada bukas ng door eh super-sight naman akez, hoping na si MHW na yon.

Hanggang sa napagod akez sa kahihintay. Shet! Baka hindi naman siya pupunta.

Bumaba kami ni Anna para bumili ng bugarette. Wala na ko sa mood. Sana pala eh nasa bahay na lang ako at nanunuod ng Maalaala Mo Kaya.

Pero pagbalik namin sa hotel eh muntik nang lumundag ang puso ko ng biglang humabol si MHW sa elevator papaakyat.

Binati niya si Anna. Binati siya ni Anna.

Sa akin. Deadma.

Pagdating sa room eh parang lahat naman eh na-excite nung dumating na si MHW. Nyeta! Alam kaya ng mga bilat na badinggerzie din si kuya?

More nongga.

Hanggang na-realize kong nag-iisa na lang akong nag-momorenums na nakaupo sa sofa while MHW is mingling with the officemates.

Parang ang saya-saya naman ni kuya. Habang ako itong parang nilalapirot ang kaibuturan ng damdamin ko.

Tinitingnan ko siya pero he never even glances at me.

Finally, may moment na lumayo siya sa grupo to get a drink or something. Shet! This is it! It’s now or never, kung witchelles ngayon? Kelan? Kung witchelles akez? Sinetch?

Nilapitan ko siya.

“Uy,” chika ko.

“Uy,” chika niya.

Awkwardness on the loose.

“Uhmmmm …..”, fillers ko …

Nakatingin lang siya kin.

“Buti naman pinapansin mo na ‘ko”, sabi na lang niya.

“Eh. Ikaw nga ang hindi pumapansin sa ‘kin e …”

Deadma.

I continued, “Anyway, I just want to declare a truce. And I want to apologize. Alam kong my behaviors recently were unacceptable.”

“I understand, I’m partly to blame. So, I’m sorry na ‘ren. So peace?”

“Peace!”

And then, he went back with me to the group for more chikahan and more nonggahan pa ren.

The rest of the evening went very well. Siguro dahil na ren may isang malaking tinik na naalis sa lalamunan ko. Finally eh natapos na ren ang tantrums ko. But deep inside eh may isang malaking question mark pa ren ang nakatatak sa isip ko. Ganun na lang yon? Pero pano na yung nangyari sa amin? Talaga bang it was just brought about by unwanted impulses at dapat na talagang kalimutan?

*

We decided to call it a night. Nagpaalam na ko kay MHW, I’ll see him on Monday. Nakasakay na ko ng taxi nang biglang may-I-call si kuya. Tinanong niya kung gusto ko raw maglugaw. May alam siyang bonggang-bonggang lugawan sa JP Rizal.

Siyempre, ako naman tong kaladkarin na go lang ng go. Apparently, andun pa ren siya sa may hotel so pinabalik ko na lang si manong driver para sunduin siya and then we went dun sa bonggang-bonggang lugawan.

Habang super lafang with the tricycle drivers eh MHW is back to his unusual self. If I don’t know more, siguro iisipin kong may pagkakrung-krung itong si kuya. Multiple personalities on the loose. He appeared comfortable, free-spirited, happy. Kwento lang siya nang kwento nang kung anu-ano. And I just listened and looked at him.

Siguro ganun talaga if you are with the person that you really like. It’s regardless of how you spend the time together, or what you are doing, or eating, as long as you’re together, you’re genuinely happy.

Hanggang sa …

“So, hindi ba natin pag-uusapan kung ano yung nangyari sa atin?”, nasabi ko na lang bigla nung tumigil siya sa pagkwento dahil busy-bisihan siya sa paglalagay ng more sili sa lugaw niya.

Witchelles ko ren learn kung baket ko na-icherva yun pero bigla na lang lumabas sa bibig ko.

Napatihimik lang siya sandali.

Napaisip.

Napabuntong-hininga.

“Bernz, alam mo bang hindi ko minsan inisip na I would cheat on my lover?”

Parang ang nega naman ng sagot niya. Sana pala nananahimik na lang ako.

“We’ve been together for more than a year …. I never really cheated on him. Not until that afternoon that we’re together. So na-bother talaga ako. Pero whenever I am with you, outside the office ha, when you’re not a dragoness, parang I feel very comfortable with you …”

“So ……”

“So … I like you! There I said it! I really like you. Pero ayaw ko namang maging complicated ang lahat at madamay ka. Ayaw ko ren namang masaktan ka. It’s gonna be unfair for you and my lover.”

“So ….”

“Let’s just be like this …. There’s nothing wrong with that naman di ba?”

Blagag. Parang betchay ko namang mahulog non sa bangkong kina-uupuan ko.

*

Sometimes, we keep on looking for something and wanting it desperately, that when it finally comes, we’re so afraid to grab it because of the fear that we might lose it that easily.

And then, the desire keeps on getting stronger when we know that we can’t have IT.

A point comes when we learn that we can’t have what we desire. We will stage tantrums. We will be angry. We will formulate a grand scheme out of anger to achieve whatever we want. But we will still fail.

Then, some will walk out and head to the “forget-all-about-it” route. But there are some instances when we know that we can’t have everything, we will, then, settle for something.

After anger, we end up bargaining and compromising. Just because we don’t want to completely lose it.

Maybe it’s better this way …. You won’t have the entire cake but at least you’ll have a piece of it for you to savor.

But the problem is … you wouldn’t know how long it will last until you will be asking for more.

SECOND STAGE: ANGER

After three days … wala pa ring chikahang naganap between me and MHW. The usual office stuff lang. After that, derm. Wala siyang kakupas-kupas. It’s either he does not really give a shit to what happened between the two of us or masyado lang siyang magaling umarte to conceal his real feelings.

Nagsight-sight kami ni Rica, kelangan ko nang outlet. Witchelles ko ren naman kasi machika sa mga friendiva ko sa office ang eksena namin ni MHW. Parang wit ko pa bet na ipa-learn sa kanila na may enlababo feelings akembang kay kuya.

We decided to have dinner in Araneta. Meet halfway. Parang wala akez sa mood na mag-flysiva all the way to Makati.

So, ichinika ko sa kanya ang eksena habang super lafang lang si ate.

“Try mo kayang kausapin?”, iteckla ang suggestion ng ate Rica ko na napag-isipan ko ren naman pero masyado akez nagpapaka-ma-pride to make the first move.

“Naiinis ako sa kanya!” yun lang ang nasagot ko.

“At baket ka naman naiinis ….”

Chinika ko kay Rica na naiinis ako kay MHW dahil masyado siyang insensitive at masyado siyang heartless. My puppy-love and desires toward him were starting to transform into despise and hatred.

Why me?

I need revenge ….

Umabot ng five floors ang isang kilay ng lola Rica ko at tinitigan lang akez ng masama. Sabay chikang, “Masyado ka namang exaggerated at masyado kang feelingera ….”

“Feelingera?”

“Feelingera … masyadong ma-feeling!”

Nagpatuloy si Rica na parang for the first time eh narealize kong may sense din naman pala si bakla paminsan-minsan. Chinika niya na masyado lang daw ako nagbigay ng meaning sa one-afternoon-stand namin ni MHW. Malaki naman ang posibilidad na wala lang talaga sa kanya ang nangyari at pwede ren naman daw na nadala na lang ng kalasingan si kuya at nagpadala na sa panibugho ng damdamin. Alcohol has always been proven to be a very effective aphrodisiac.

Chika ko naman, “Pero kahit na … lasing o hindi lasing … alam niya ang ginawa niya … at dapat pinanindigan na yon!”

Ang sagot naman sa aken ni Rica: “Baket ‘teh? Virgin ka? Buntis ka? At ano naman ang kailangan niyang panindigan? Na nagpahada siya sa ‘yo? Tanggapin mo ang fact na yon … i-consider mo na lang na isa siyang afternoon delight!”

Witchelles! Witchelles! Ewan ko ba? Pero may ganitrix na factor talaga tayez noh? Super ask ng help and insights from friends pero once they start making sense, we immediately to refuse to believe.

“Kahit na!”, heto pa ren ang bera kez habang nakanguso at nakahalukipkip na parang spoiled brat na tinanggihang maglaro sa tsubibo.

If he wants to give me the silent treatment … then I will give him the loud treatment.

----

Sumunod na araw sa office.

I know … it sounds so bad … pero heto ang unang instinct na pumasok sa isip ko. Yes! Personalan na kung personalan pero ginawa ko pa ren.

Sinimulan kong tirahin si MHW.

It’s time to retaliate …. Lahat nang requests niya … DENIED!

Hinanapan ko siya ng butas …. lahat ng tasks niya .. EKIS ….

Lahat ng mali niya … pinapansin ko at super broadcast sa internal communications with all the other supervisors. Pati na rin sa lahat ng meetings and weekly reviews … hindi ko siya pinapaligtas.

Although, he is not directly reporting to me … He is still under my authority.

Hanggang sa nakahalata ang ibang supervisors … chika nila baket ang harsh-harsh ko raw kay MHW.

Sabi ko naman … “He is not doing his job properly. Somebody has to teach that new guy a lesson.”

“Eh baket mo siya cinertify?” talak ni Anna.

Napa-isep akez. Nakakalokang tanong!

“Oh well! E di ia-uncertify ko siya!”

“Pwede ba yun?”

---

Define ABS Bitter Herbs Capsule? Define imbernadette sembrano ---> BERNZ!

Hay nako! Ganyan talaga ang buhay. Harsh na kung harsh. Pero they say that anger is a natural reaction. According to Physics, in every action … there’s an equal reaction. Sa Psychology naman, when someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong – there’s anger.

Lahat naman ng utawsingbelles eh na-iimberna. Luka-luka na lang or Baliwag Bulacan ang witchelles!

Depende na nga lang sa utash. May mga utash na warla mode agad na daig pa si George W Bush kung magdeclare ng all out war. Haves din naman ang mga silent-type saka yung mga tipong super-suppress lang ng feelings, na eynimomentz eh i-uutot na lang nila ang sama ng loob.

Normally, I am the latter. I can find positive things out of bad circumstances. Heto ang natutunan ko sa professional life ko. Ang wrong nga lang eh kung personal and emotional life ko na ang pinag-uusapan eh it’s directly the opposite.

I have grown to become a fighter. I have always been the sorry little faggot that runs away, sulks and cries my guts out in one corner.

Times have changed. I have grown stronger.

Sa mga oras na ito I am channeling the powers of Amor Powers: “MASASAKSIHAN NILA ANG PAGHIHIGANTI NG ISANG ALIPIN!!!!!” …. Bwahahahahah ….

FIRST STAGE: DENIAL

Maraming salamat sa mga nag-react, natuwa, naluha, na-erbogan, at nakidalamhati tungkol sa chervahang naganap sa amin ni MHW. I really appreciate the comments. Keep ‘em cuming.

*

“So what happens next?” – Siguro ay itecklabernz ang isang malaking kweystiyon mark pagka-kyorpos nang first-time chervahan namin ni MHW.

Achaka, recently ko lang na-realize na in three years ko sa office eh witchelles pa akembang nakipag-kembangan sa kahit sino in the office … so technically … si MHW ang first and only “work-related” kembang kez.

In normal kembangan circumstances, the day after yesterday is nothing. Super muni-muni ka lang sa kung anong mga kahindik-hindik na bagay ang naganap. May mga moments na na-erbogan ka ulit sa thought at super bayambang, quezon ang drama mo. May mga moments din namang, super jisip ka kung ite-text mo ba siya, or kung ite-text ka ba niya or kung magkakasight-sight ba kayo ulit at magkakaroon pa ba nang another kembangan session lalo na’t pag isang malaking check na check ang performance ni kembangan partner.

Pero sa eksena namin ni MHW …. parang may isang malaking ekis. Witchelles ko learn kung anecklavu na ang magiging eksena kasi for sure eh magkikita at magkikita kami. We are working in the same floor for crying out loud! Pero derm! Witchelles ko naman ginawa ang ginawa ko dahil betchay ko lang siyang matikman. I desire him. More than the chervahan part.

Well, siguro ang isang malaking ekis eh kung baket sa kembangan session nagsimula ang lahat.

*

At around 9PM that same day, I woke up. Una kong tiningnan ang tasa sa side table. Andun pa ren ang kapeng hindi nabawasan. Shet! Hindi akembang nanaginip.

Umupo ako sa kama at gumetching nang subaramba. Binuksan ang mga bintana. Subey. Habang muni-muni. Super think! Tama ba ang ginawa ko?

And then, I showered, prepared for another night in the office. Pero na-felt kong this is not going to be an ordinary night.

Makikita ko ba si MHW ngayon? O isang nakakalokang resignation letter ang bubungad sa aken? Harsh siguro … pero posible.

Witchelles ko majisip kung anecklabernz ang ia-outfit kembang. Parang ten thousand years ago na ang nakakaraan nang huling nag-jisip akembang kung anung outfit ang susuutin for office.

Derm!

Try ko kayang mag-ball gown?

Hahahah …

Okay. So settle for the ordinary. Shirt, tie, jeans.

And then, sight sa mirror. Haggardness. Na-conscious naman akembang. Suddenly, parang I saw the seven signs of ageing na sa normal na araw eh witchelles ko naman napapansin. So … more ponds!

Na-realize kong para akong isang dalaginding na first time na nagkacrush. Conscious, sensitive at may kaunting kabog sa dibdib.

On my way to the office, kinailangan ko ng gabay ng sangkabaklaan.

I called Claudine:

CLAUDINE: So, nagsex kayo?

BERNZ: True! Pero hindi naman sex .. hinada ko lang siya.

CLAUDINE: Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko.

BERNZ: Weh? Wala ka namang sinabi e. Bakla ka!

CLAUDINE: Gaga! Alam mo namang may jowa yung tao noh! Napaka-puta mo talaga.

BERNZ: Di naman puta .. maharot lang … pero hindi puta. (Laftir)

CLAUDINE: Che! Kahit ano pa. Hindi mo alam ang pinapasok mo. For sure, nagsisimula ka pa lang and right now you are expecting for something more than that. At sasabihin ko na ngayon. This is not a good idea. So better think twice!

Well, slightly trulagen collagen sustagen naman ang chika ni Claudine – I am indeed expecting something more. A deeper and more serious relationship. Pero yun nga lang … MAY JOWA SIYA! Ang harsh talaga ng reality!

*

Pagdating ko sa office, eh I tried so hard na magpaka-normal, although the only thing I am looking forward to eh ang pagsa-sight namin ni MHW.

Read ng isang toneladang emails – and when I say read … I CTRL+A+delete ALL.

After that … starbucks + oatmeal cookie.

Balik sa office … meet with the team managers ….

Review yesterday’s performance …. pero parang yung performance ko lang yesterday ang gusto ko isipin. Derm!

And then, MHW comes in.

Dumaan siya sa aquarium ko. Super waitsiva lang akong bumukas ang door. Pero after one minute. Derm! Hindi bumukas ang door. Di hindi man lang siya lumingon para silipin ako.

So tumayo ako from my desk.

Binuksan ko ang pinto … and I left it open.

Balik sa desk. Bisi-bisihan. Pero witchelles maka-powkus.

After 15 minutes, dumaan na naman siya. Super sight lang akey sa monitor kez pero ang balintataw eh naghihintay para sa pagpasok o paglingon ni MHW …. pero wrong … wa pa ren.

Shumoyo again akembang and this time, lumabas akez sa aquarium ko. Super sight kung saan aatak si MHW.

Sa pantry …

Go …

Follow the leader naman akembang na super dahan-dahan dahil eynimomentz eh baka mafelt ni kuya na sinusundan ko siya.

Pagdating sa pantry … na-sight ko siyang super sight ng mga lafang.

Bigla siyang humarap sa ‘ken.

Naloka akez … bigla akez tumalikod at super atak sa VENDO machine … panggap-panggap na may ba-buysungin. Pagdukot kez sa bulsa eh wa pala akez anda. Wrong!

Parang 2 minutes akong nakashoyo lang don na parang lukresia kasilag.

Umexit na siya. Deadma. Di man lang ako binati.

Harsh!

Napaisip tuloy ako: Is there something wrong?

Lumipas ang araw na ganon ang eksena. I was still hoping na mag-uusap kami. Pero hours passed pero deadmatology 101 talaga ang labanan.

Hindi man lang niya akez kinausap.

Hindi man lang niya akez binati.

Ni hindi nga niya akez tiningnan.

*

Napaisip tuloy ako. Whatever happened to us the other day eh parang wala lang. Sa kanya, parang wala lang nangyari samanatalang akez iteng parang isang assumptionistang dalagang pilipinang nag-iisip na pananagunatan niya ang kung anumang ginawa niya sa aken.

I had another realization: For the first time in my gay life eh I felt VIOLATED!! True … I really felt VIOLATED.

Ni-minsan eh witchelles ko inexpect na masasabi ko ang mga katagang iteckla pero … OO:

“Ginamit lang niya ako ….”

Ganun na lang ba yon? After dookit session eh deadma-deadmahan na? After all the efforts and the gag reflexes … eh parang walang nangyari.

How dare him?! Chos!

Pero seriously, I was wondering on what’s going on in his mind.

Well, siguro, hindi lang siya yung tipong tao na would like to talk after sex?

Aynaku … hindi ko talaga alam.

Pero the feeling was not pleasant.

I just wished …. nothing happened.

*

Maraming baka ang naglaro sa isip ko. Witchelles yung mga bakang tumatalon over the fence … pero mga bakang nagkukumbinsi sa sarili kong there’s nothing wrong.

BAKA he is just having a bad day.

BAKA meron pa siyang hang-over.

BAKA nag-away sila ng jowa niya.

BAKA hindi pa niya napag-iisipan mabuti kung ano ang sasabihin niya sa akin pagkatapos nang lahat.

BAKA kakausapin niya ako kinabukasan.

BAKA naghiwalay na sila .. and he is preparing to move on?

*

Ewan ko ba. Pero ako … magbaBAKAsakali pa ren ako.

Baket ba?

*

Kadalasan, witchelles madaling tanggapin ang katotohanan. Gagawa tayo ng mga rason …. gagawa tayo ng alternative “facts” … ng alibis …. just to feel good and to find logic with what we think are not logical. But in reality … witchelles lang natin betchay i-accept ang facts.

In the pursuit of our desires … we come across a time wherein we have this feeling that this will not work out … and we have to STOP … and start to let go of it ….

But that’s easier said than done … we encounter the first stage of letting go: DENIAL.

We will find ways to convince ourselves that this is not happening. And most of the time … we are successful in doing so. So … we think.. and decide … HELL NO! This is not yet the time to STOP.

Moreover, we might feel that we are indeed in DENIAL … but we keep on denying that we are in DENIAL.

True … or false?

Wag i-deny ….

TO KABET? OR NOT TO KABET? (part 2)

Medyo katanghaliang tapat na nang mapost-card ang one-on-one nomuhan session namin ni MHW, which is in our call center lifestyle eh parang normal lang. Naalala ko lang na nung kadalagahan ko eh una-unahan sa pagjuwian galing sa gimikan dahil eynimomentz eh hayan na at manunulok na si Sunshine Dizon. Dahil kasuluk-sulok naman ang mga beauty nang mga badinggerzie sa powers ni Sunshine Dizon na kayang iladlad ang bawat bakas at bawat bitak nang everyday is a happy foundation day ng mga veklores na ayaw paawat.

Isa na lamang siyang parte nang aking mapulandit na nakaraan. Witchelles na ganitrix ang eksena at witchelles na ren keri ang everyday is a happy foundation day. Deadma-deadma na sa wrinkles, dark spots at oilyness is next to ugliness. Kaya dapat gumamit na nang PONDS, which eliminates the seven signs of ageing. Choz!

So super flysiva na kami ni MHW after mapegasus ang mga nomu at lafang. Napansin kong wala na siyang defenses at restrictions sa buhay. Nakakatawa na siya nang bukal sa kalooban at nakakangiti nang parang walang kinabukasan.

Namisteryosohan naman akez bigla sa pagkatao ni kuya, parang one moment eh daig pa si Pitoy Moreno sa pagka-old fashioned at one momentz eh para na siyang isang basugulerong bagets na naiwang talunan dahil nahada ng libre nang isang bakla.

Pagewang-gewang na ang walkathon ni kuya habang papaatak kami sa mga shoxiebelles. Inakbayan ko siya ng slight, para witchelles naman siya gumulong gulong sa sidewalk at para na rin maka-enchance akembang nang slight. Slight lang naman.

Bigla naman niyang kinembash ang kamay niya sa bewang ko. Nakakalokang pangitain.

Eyniwayz, pag-arrive namin sa pila nang shoxiebelles, chika ko sa kanya, mauna na siya.

Super sight naman sa aken si MHW nang masama, sabay talak kung hahayaan ko ba raw siya umuwe mag-isa.

Ambisyosa naman si kuya, gusto pa yatang magpahatid.

Sabay chika niya kung keri lang ba raw mag-kape-kapehan portion muna tapos tinanong niya kung malapit lang ba raw ako sa eastwood. Sabi ko naman “yesterday … tomorrow … and .. today.”

Tapos, super ask siya kung keri lang ba raw magcofee-portion sa balaysung.

Sabi ko … “FINE!”

Seven minutes and thirty seconds lang ako away from eastwood, pero habang binabagtas namin ang daan eh biglang humarap sa kin si MHW. Nakakapit pa ren siya sa mga baywang kong ubod ng pagkabalingkitan. Meron siyang gustong sabihin.

Nangilabot akez sa mga mapanibughong mga tingin na parang hinuhubaran pati ang kaibuturan ng aking kulay ube-halayang kaluluwa.

Shet! Is this it! Is this really really it?

Nagsimula siyang chumika, “Bernz!” ----- isang mahabang pause.

Siya: Tingin sa baba, tingin sa gilid … balik ang tingin sa akin.

Ako: RAPID EYE MOVEMENT, hindi dahil sa kaantukan, pero dahil sa pag-eeffort kong mag-byutipul eyes.

“May sasabihin ako sa yo ….”

Ngiti lang ang drama ko.

“Nasusuka ako ….”

HARSH!!! No! No! No! No way … na parang si charice pempengco lang sa pagsingaling ng “And I’m Telling you”.

Super talak akez kay manong driver na ipara niya muna ang shoxie kung ayaw niyang mag-amoy na parang karinderya sa recto ang shoxie niya.

Stop naman si manong, binuksan ko ang door … and then, there goes … dinner, lunch and breakfast altogether.

“Okay ka na?”

Deadma si MHW, sabay myorlogs.

Pagdating sa amin eh kulang na lang eh buhatin at kaladkarin ko siya para lang makalakad. Ang harsh nang eksena especially habang super sight ang mga shopetbalay na mga mimoso’t mimosa sa eksenang may bitbit-bitbit akez na isang lulurking super enggaloids habang hindi pa natatapos ang panghimagas at ang wowowee.

Pagjosok nang balaysung eh dinerecho ko na siya sa kuwartobelles ko at inihiga sa kama. NR pa ren si kuya. Puro ungol lang ang naririnig ko sa kanya. Nakakaelya ng slight, pero harsh ang eksena ng dinner, breakfast and lunch altogether.

Sabi ko sa kanya, magpapainit lang akez ng byorbeg para makapag-coffee party na. So iniwan ko siya at direcho akez sa kusina with matching washing the dishes pa on the side.

Habang tinitimpla ko na ang kape eh narealize kong may one-time na chinika sa aken si kuya na witchelles daw siya nagnonomu ng kape. Derm!

So super bringaling ko na ang mga kumukulong kape sa kuwartobelles kez.

Halos, maitapon ko naman ang mga kape at muntik nang malapnos ang mga mala-porselana kong kutis na daig pa ang pigurin ng “LONG LIFE-HAPPINESS-PROSPERITY” sa kakinisan - Echoz! – nang tumambad sa aken ang mahalay na eksenang si MHW na nakatitiwangwang sa kama kong naka-briefannie-batumbakal lang – na para lang daing na ibinibilad sa araw. Para ngang may bato at para ngang may bakal na nakukubli sa briefani ni kuyang hanford ang tatak. Well, doon ko napatunayaang Mr. Hello World nga si kuya.

At sa eksenang iyon eh parang betchay ko namang pumameywang at ngumiti na parang si Toni Gonzaga habang super chikang, “Hello Philippines! And HELLO WORLD!”, sabay jump!

Pero deadma. Pinatong ko ang kape sa side table at kinumutan ko si kuya. Ginising ko siya nang slight, super chikang ready na ang kape and get it while it’s hot. Shet! at ako eh HOT na HOT na ren ang drama!

May mga drama si kuya na parang tulug-tulugan portion. Hanggang sa hinablot na lang niya ang kamay ko at ikinembash sa junjun nyang super alert-alive-enthusiastic.

Wala na akong choice … (Shet parang napilitan lang da ‘vah?)

Nangyari nga ang kadalasang nangyayari sa dalawang lasing na nilalang na magkasama sa isang kuwarto.

Isang bonggang-bonggang kyorbeyhan lang ang naganap. Habang muntik nang mangawit ang ngangabu ko sa pagcherva eh parang tulug-tulugan lang naman ang drama ni kuya. May mga minute reactions at certain points, pero ganun lang.

Habang umiindayog nga ang aking ulo na pataas-pababa eh napapaisip ako – parang witchelles ko naman yata bet na ganitriz agad ang eksena namin? And at one point eh para namang nahipo ang konsiyensya ko .. MAY JOWA SIYA .... pero derm .. slight lang naman. May nota naman nang nakahain eh … tataniggihan pa ba?

Hanggang sa mapostcard si kuya.

Hinihintay ko siya magreact … witchelles naman para iskoran ang performance ko … pero for the sake na makakuha ako ng kahit na anong reaction, pero derm!



NR




NR





NR





Byorlog.





So anufangaba.


E di byorlog na ren ang beauty ko.


I decided to sleep na lang sa sofa sa sala.

Nagising na lang ako bandang kinahupanan nang marinig ko ang mga footsteps niya sa stairs. Nakabihis na ulit si kuya. Back to his normal, well-guarded self.

Nagpaalam lang siya sa aken. Sabi niya mauuna na raw siya. Yun lang …

Then … bye!

Pumanik na ko sa kuwarto ko. Pinagmasdan ang pinangyarihan ng krimen. Na-sight ko ang kape. Hindi siya nabawasan. Malamig na.

At habang papatulog na ulit ako eh parang may boses na nagsasabi sa ken .. na parang “wrong” … “wrong ang eksena” ... isang malaking ekis ang naganap.

*

Sometimes, we keep on looking for something and wanting it desperately, that when it finally comes, we’re so afraid to grab it because of the fear that we might lose it that easily.

But when we had the courage to just go ahead and satisfy our meaningless urges due to our unhealthy desires ... we end up being disappointed. We wanted it so badly that our expectations were unrealistic and close to perfection ... so when we finally have it ... we end up sulking ... disappointed ....

Just like a left over coffee ... stale ... cold.

The stupid part is that most of us don't stop at disappointment ... we proceed until we get what we really want. We lower down our expectations and we look at the silver lining.

Why not take a second shot?

They say that satisfying desires is not really about getting what you want or not getting what you want but the satisfaction comes from the process of getting it (or in not getting it).

So, that's why it's hard to decide on when to stop.

Now, if we desire something, how do we really know when to stop?

TO KABET? OR NOT TO KABET?

Di ko na maalala kung paano nagsimula ang nakakalokang araw na yon. Pa-fly na sana ako from the office pajuwelyon sa baler nang biglang sumulpot na lang si MHW sa lobby at tinanong kung learn ko raw mag-bilyar ara.

Chika ko naman, true! Learn!

Tapos tinanong niya kung pwede ko ba raw siya turuan.

Sabi ko … keri lang.

Next thing I know eh nasa may isang bilyaran na kami sa eastwood with matching isang bucket ng red horse on the side, habang tirik an tirik si Sunshine Dizon sa labasan.

Derm sa genitalia.

Nomuhan session muna. Di ko pa learn kung bet ba niya talagang magbilyar or naghanap lang siya ng alibi para ma-solo akembang! Echoz!

Pinagmamasdan ko lang siya. At first eh may awkward silence. Witchelles ko ren naman kasi learn kung anecklabu ang pag-uusapan namin outside work. I just realized na I don’t know much about him.

He has this certain “prim and proper” aura na parang may pagka-sakristan effect. Yung mga tipong parating naka-straight body. He never slouches. Whenever he moves, there’s this feeling na everything is very well planned. He has these calculated gestures. He never looks at me straight in the eye, though. Maski sa office napansin ko na yon. One … two … seconds, then he’d throw his gaze away somewhere.

Also, one thing I noticed about him eh parati siyang naka-dress up, almost like a uniform. Everyday, maski dress down days, eh naka white siyang long-sleeved polo na nakatuck-in sa slacks, then black shoes. Come to think of it, I have never seen him dressed up with something else.

So, super drink. Unlike me, I can drink straight from the bottle as long as malamig ang berangju, him, super ask pa siya nang baso, na super pinunasan niya muna bago isalin ang berangju. Every five seconds eh kumukuha siya nang tissue and wipes off his side of the table para matuyo.

Wala din siyang unnecessary movements like tapping a foot or fingers on the table. He’s very “salesmannish”.

“So, bakit naman gusto mong matutong mag-bilyar?” just to break the ice kasi eynimomentz eh parang isang dosenang anghel na naka-t-back ang dadaan na parang mga random strangers lang kaming nagkita sa isang kanto at nagkaayayaang mag-nomuhan session.

Sabi niya wala lang daw. He just want to learn new things.

Sabi ko naman, if he wants to learn new things eh pwede naman siyang mag-aral mag-ballet or kaya figure skating.

Napatawa siya nang slight. First time I saw him laughed at my joke. Pero yung mga three seconds na laftir lang then back to his normal self na parang isang malaking kasalanan ang pagtawa.

Tapos, out of the blue eh tinanong niya akez kung baket daw Washington akong lovelife.

As usual, sinagot kez ito ng mixture ng bittersweet sentiments about the undying quest for the “this is it”.

Baka naman daw mataas ang standards ko, comment ni kuya.

Oh well, binagsak ko na nga lahat ng standards at lahat ng quality control. Kahit sino na lang keri-keri na, patos-patos na! Kaso kahit ganun na ang mindset ko eh … wai pa ren. Negatibo pa ren ang eksena.

Silence of the lambs.

Nakatitig lang siya sa table.

“Dadating din yan for you, don’t worry!” sabay chika niya.

Anuveh! Parang gusto kong tumalon at mag-backward at magpalifting sa mga tambay don sa bilyaran na parang opening ng UAAP lang dahil sa talak ni kuya.

Sa totoo lang eh yun ang pinaka-nega na comment na naririnig ko tuwing ang lovelife kong zerowena ang pinag-uusapan. Kesyo darating din yan … kesyo … anjan lang yan … kesyo … I just need to be patient.

Che! Kung alam lang niya … parang ten thousand times ko nang narinig ang sympathy statement na yon. At parang paulit-ulit ko na ren sinabi sa sarili ko yon pang-konswuelo de bobo sa tuwing nabibigo akembang sa pag-ibig, pero wai epek! Wai true! Ayaw kong maging “hopeful” hopeless romantic! (contradicting di ba, pero parang ganun na nga)

I was about to react like a war-mongering blonde bitch nang biglang tumalak ulit si MHW.

“Totoo ba yung sinabi mo sa ‘ken the other day?”

“Alin ‘don?” Shempre maang-maangan naman ang beauty ko, pero deep inside eh I know very well what he was asking about.

“Na … you are concerned that I don’t like you ???”

Shet! Para namang nahulog ang panty ko. At betchay ko sanang tumili na parang wala nang bukas but then no! I composed myself.

“Yeah. I am … I am concerned ….”

“Dahil ….”

“Dahil … we will be closely working together for the next few months and …”

“Ayun lang ba?”

Shet! May something sa tanong niya habang nakatingin sa aken nang pa-ilalim. And I was caught in my own trap. At dahil jan …

“Why? Should I be concerned about something else?” sabay tanong ko. I don’t know, pero parang recently, eh ang hirap kong aminin sa isang tao na crush ko siya!

Kasi …. I might not like the response. Yun lang!

“I dunno … That’s why I’m asking you …” bera ni MHW.

At ayaw niya talagang magpatalo da ‘vah.

At dahil jan .. ubos na pala ang isang bucket.

So, shinorwag ko ang waiter to get more and more. Chika naman ni MHW na witchelles siyang malakas nomongga! Chika ko keri lang yan. Minsan-minsan lang naman.

So more berangju.

Ask ulit si MHW, “So ….”

“So what?”

May pagka-banidoso itong si kuya ah.

Deadma, chika ko, “Haha! Are you flirting with me?” with more laftir.

Witchelles niya nagets ang joke. Wa laftir from him, “No. I don’t flirt. Are you?”

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARSH ….

Para namang betchay kong mag “Excuse me ma’am, may I go out …” Di ko kinakaya ang eksena niya.

Okay fine ….

“Because … I like you ….”

Ayan na! Doon na sumuko ang Bataan!

And then he lightened up …

More drinks and more buckets …

Plenty din naman ang napag-usapan namin. I learned a lot about him. He learned a lot about me …

Until nakalimutan na niya ang bilyaran portion.

And he was so drunk, he told me na … hindi na siya makakauwe mag-isa …

2 BE CONTINUED …..

*

Sometimes, we keep on looking for something and wanting it desperately, that when it finally comes, we’re so afraid to grab it because of the fear that we might lose it that easily.

Also, there are times wherein we can almost grab it, it’s right in front of us, but it has some excess baggage that makes us think to go for it or just run away. If we go for it, we will have to take the extra baggages that will come with it. We can’t throw it away. And if we run away from it, we might lose the chance of answering the “what ifs”.

They say that LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL … but what if the only love that you have right now is the one with “CONDITIONS”? Do we still call it love?

TRANSPINAY

Bago ang lahat ... betchay ko naman sanang i-publish ang isang email na itez from Lea! Thank you very much for this, I appreciate it and I was moved by your story. More power .. and yes .. ang Harsh Talaga Ng Reality.

But I know for sure ... you'll be able to get through this!!!

Hi Badinggerzie!

This is the first time that I emailed you or attempted to communicate with you. I know that you are busy and you might not even be able to read this but I am taking my chances.

My name is Lea. You might not believe it, but I have been one of your “silent” avid readers since 2006. I came upon your blog through a friend’s email. It was a forwarded email that I almost marked as spam but your name “Badinggerzie” caught my attention and I read your story about your brother. Then, I googled you and found your blog.

It is so nice to finally see you blogging again. I never thought that you’ll be back. But now that you are, I’m very glad to see you sharing your stories to us again. I know that I share the same feeling of a lot of gays and transgenders out there that enjoy and find inspiration from your blogs.

But I want to take this opportunity to share my story. I’m a thirty-year old pre-op transgender. I’m currently living in Perth, Australia with my life partner, John. He is an Australian and we have been together for almost seven years. By the way, he is also a fan, although, I have to translate each and every entry to him and most of the time I fail to convey the same energy and spirit that you have with your words. I know, it’s the “gay lingo” thing, and coming from you, it’s like magic. I don’t know most of the words anymore but nevertheless I know and seamlessly understand everything.

I decided to go abroad when I was twenty years old. I barely finished my college education. I got an opportunity to work as a performer in Papua New Guinea. I didn’t leave because I wanted to work. I just wanted to escape. My family, especially my father, never accepted me. When he found out that I was gay, he kicked me out of the house. I was first year college, then. So, I had no choice but to work and support myself through college.

Growing up and maturing as a tranny in Manila was not an easy breeze. I had my share of gay bashing, people wouldn’t hire me and I was stereotyped.

On the other hand, it was not also a “nightmarish” experience. The good thing about gay life is being “gay” itself. Finding ways to have fun, to resolve conflict with laughter, and to struggle through problems and hardships with humor. That’s one thing you can’t take away from us. While reading through your blogs, feeling the nostalgia of my past gay life in Manila is a constant thing for me. It always brings out the pain, the laughter and among everything else, all the values and the lessons learned.

Me and John met in the bar where I was working as a band’s lead singer in Papua New Guinea. I was a stranger in a strange country and he was a tourist.

At first, he thought that I was a woman. And so, I pretended to be a woman for weeks. I didn’t know, then, that our relationship would be a lasting one. Also, I knew that he was not from there and that he will soon leave and go back to Australia.

To cut the story short, he fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him. But I don’t like lying very much. I had to tell him the truth. When I told him, he was so angry he slapped me and broke my nose. I cried like a baby, not because of my bloodied nose but because he couldn’t accept me.

The next day, he took the first flight out and went back to Australia.

I hadn’t seen him for six months.

Then, he returned. When I saw him again, I couldn’t believe it, I thought he might just be someone who looks like John. But after my set, he approached me and told me that he had gone through the worst six months of his life, struggling to get over and forget about me. Until he decided to come back to me and tell me he still loves me.

After a few weeks of catching up and testing the waters, our love grew for each other. He asked me to go with him back to Australia.

We haven’t been separated ever since. Five years through the relationship, I thought everything was perfect, that I am living my dream. But I knew deep inside that I was not complete yet. I still have to fulfill my ultimate goal – to undergo a sex change operation.

Then, everything changed that same year preparing for the operation when I received a phone call from my mother. At first, I found it odd, because they never called me, I always call them.

When I answered I received a shocking news. My mother asked me if I remember April. I said yes, she was my girlfriend when I was in high school, when I still wasn’t “out”. She said that April has to go to the states and left someone in our house because she couldn’t carry him with her. I asked who, and my mother said, my son!

I couldn’t believe it. I never knew I had a son. I tried to recall if April and I had sex, and yes, there was this one night, when both of us were intoxicated. We were sixteen, then, about to graduate from high school.

I found out that my son was already fourteen years old and my mother said how he truly resembles the “old” me.

I told John about it and he was bewildered as I was.

At first, meeting my son was never even an option until John convinced me to go back there to the Philippines and meet him. After all, he was my son.

So, for the first time, me and John went to the Philippines. For the first time in so many years, I met with my family. My father still had that same look he had on me. Although, we have grown older and more mature, I sensed that the abhorring feeling was still there. I couldn’t do anything about it.

Then, I saw my son. I didn’t believe in “lukso ng dugo” until then.

He looked up at me with a puzzled face and asked me if I was his father. I said yes. I expected that he would run away and hide in his room or something. But he didn’t. Instead, he embraced me.

The whole day, we were just talking. April did a good job raising him to be a smart and open-minded boy. Apparently, April didn’t keep me hidden in the closet and my son accepted and understood my situation even before he reached puberty.

It has been a long and arduous process, until I got the chance to talk to April and ask her if I could take our son back to Perth. She agreed, but she said that that was not something permanent. Once, she gets settled in the states, she has to get her son back.

I agreed.

So, as of this writing, it has been two years already since I took my son here in Perth. He went to school here, had his friends. We were a family.

Everything was so perfect until almost three months ago when April finally decided to take our son with her in the states.

I wouldn’t want to give him up but there’s nothing I can do. I had no legal ownership of some sort over my son.

I never felt so sad and depressed all my life since my son left. I have been trying to fill in the void that he left in my life but to no avail. I’m just thankful that John is here to console me.

I just don’t understand how unfair life is. It would give you something bad, then something good, and then take it all away again until you’re back to your empty self.

Oh well! As you put it … “Ang Harsh talaga ng reality!!!”

But nevertheless, life must go on. And life will go on for me. I might or might not meet my son again, but I hope that he knows that I love him. We are still exchanging emails up to this point.

This year, I am already scheduled to undergo my sex change operation. We decided to go back to the Philippines for me to recuperate. Wish me luck!

And if you got to this part without getting bored, I thank you for the time. You might not know me personally but as I have mentioned, you have been a big part of my life here in Australia.

Keep it up and good luck!

PS. If you want to have an aussie boyfriend, just tell me, I can hook you up with a lot of nice, young aussie lads here.

LADY GAGA - BOYFRIENDS - GIRLFRIENDS

Naganap ang isang bonggang-bonggang year-end party for our employees. Normal thing na itu sa ‘men but most of the times eh deadmatology lang ang beauty ko na super lafang and super nomu lang on the side. But this year is a lot more different for me.

Super dare sa ‘ken ang mga closest friendiva kez sa office. Kelangan ko raw gumawa nang eksena sa party. Fine!

So that night before pa magstart ang party eh nag may-I-rescue 911 sa ken si Kiara. Nag-meet kami sa Starbucks Metrowalk para mai-deliver niya sa ‘ken ang mga kontrabando: ang platinum wig, ang outfit, ang muk-up, ang shu-ez. Walang nakakalearn na may performance segment ang lola niyo since I decided to make it as a surprise.

Sa kalagitnaan nang partibelles eh nag-change costume na akembang. At after 30 minutes eh naloka na lang ang mga utash nang biglang may kyumosok na Lady Gaga at jumokyat nang stage.

At siyempre .. anu pa nga ba ang ensemble .. kundi Bad Romance … na kinarir kong isangaling nang live … at thank you sa youtube … at nakapagdownload akembang nang instrumental.

RAH-RAH-RAH-AH-AH
ROMA-ROMA-AH-AH
GA-GA-OOH-LA-LA




Tumambling ang lahat nang utash at bigla na lang nabuhayan ang super boredom na party. Next thing I know eh super-tili na ang mga utash at feeling concert queen na ang drama ko sa life.

Hanggang sa mapostcard ang segment kez with PPPPP-POKER FACE in barefoot dahil nagdecide akong shonggalin ang nakakalokang 5-inch stilletoes na pinahiram sa kin ni Kiara in the middle of the performance/dance number dahil .. ilang beses akong muntik na tumambling literally.

Super appalause naman ang mga utaw, then, nagchange costumer na ulit akez to my normal self. In fairness, witchelles naman lahat eh nakakilala sa ken so keri-keri lang.

Super chika ang isang male friend kez na isang super feat raw ang na-achieve ko kaya bilib ang lolo mo to the highest level.

Somehow, it felt really good …

In almost three years in the office, di raw nila akez naperceive na ganong klaseng badinggerzie that would go in drag and perform.

Well, my point naman sila. I guess, na-suppress ng corporate world ang screaming badinggerzie in me. I have always been the meekly, silent-type badinggerzie in the office.

Chika ko naman, keri lang … wala naman akong dapat ikahiya and besides … badinggerzie naman akez … and it felt really good to just step out of your comfort zone and be Lady Gaga for one night.

Sa office, I have always been afraid to talk about my preference and flaunt it especially to those na witchelles ko naman close, and of course sa mga bosses and sa mga clients. Parang ever since the time has begun, merong unwritten rule na kapag pula ang hasang mo at bumubuga ka nang apoy eh kelangan mong magpakademure to be in the safe side, otherwise you’ll never gain respect from your colleagues and especially sa subordinates mo.

I know that I should be the last person to believe in such, but in the real world, ganon talaga ang kalakaran. Not everytime eh pwede kang kumanta nang, “If you’re happy and you’re gay … you clap your hands!”

I have experienced na ren naman a share of discrimination from the conservative corporate bosses. Although not really out in the open as in blatantly discriminating you but I have always felt na may mga “just because he’s gay” moments. But the good point is that, I never let it get on my way. I always make it as a motivating factor to strive hard and prove myself better. So far, eh successful naman akembang. I have climbed up the organizational ladder faster than most of the other heterosexual guys in the office.

Later habang nililigpit ko na ang costume ko eh na-realize kong nawawagtus pala ang isang shu-ez kez. Na-imagine ko na si Kiara, Channel pa naman itu, for sure eh baka gamitin niya yung isang shu-ez at saksakin na lang ako gamit ang heels.

Super walk around akez sa venue, secretly hoping na ma-sight kez ang isang shu-ez. Pero wrong, witchelles ko na iteckla na-sight.

*

The following day sa office eh business as usual. Isang toneladang emails, reports, meeting-galore. Later ko na na-meet si MHW for our weekly one-on-one. Patapos na din ang mentorship kez, so weekly na lang kami nagsa-sight and that day will be our final meeting and keri ko na siyang i-certify and he will be on his own.

Shinornong ko siya if he was in the party the other night dahil parang witchelles ko siya na-sight.

Chika niya, he arrived na daw late at but not late enough para maabutan si Lady Gaga performing.

Chiko ka naman, “Oh yeah! She’s great noh?”

“I love her performance,” sabay talak ni MHW. Then, he opened his bag and pulled out a shoe. “I saw her shoe, and picked it up,” chika habang super smile.

I know that he knows na akez si Lady Gaga.

“I better get that and give it to her coz she’s looking like crazy for it,” talak kez sabay harbat nang shoez at may-I-put sa drawer.

“How come you don’t like me?” bigla ko nalang na-versa kay MHW. Pati akez eh naloka sa lumabas sa bibig ko. Siguro, it was the lady gaga in me.

Parang, at that very second eh betchay ko naman bawiin at i-erase-erase-erase ang chinika kez but then no!

“What makes you think I don’t?”, sumagot na lang bigla si MHW.

Ping! Ping! Ping! Kinu-ping kuping!

“I don’t know … you don’t talk to me as a “person”. Pag inaaya ka namin, you don’t want to go out with us …”

“Maybe because if I did, your boyfriend would kill me …”

Tambling another ….

“Boyfriend …”

“Juan! Aren’t you a couple or something?”

“Juwhaaat?! Si Juan? He’s just a very close “straight” friend. At wala akong boyfriend … “

“Well … that’s a good thing.”

“Good?”

“I mean, at least you’re single. You can do whatever you want.”

“No naman. I think you’re so much better, kasi you have a girlfriend, you’re in a relationship?”

“Girlfriend?”

“I thought you’re taken …”

“Wala kong girlfriend …. But I have a boyfriend though …”

Tsugug!

*