BROKEBACK: A GAY TRAGEDY

There are a lot of questions that come across us in our everyday life.

How does the bird fly?

How come that we cannot see the air?

How does water behave so fluid?

What is the main purpose of our existence as human beings in this earth?

But amongst all this mind-bogling (philosophical) questions, one big mystery comes to us?

How in the bloody world did someone think of a story of two cowboys falling in love with each other in the wilderness?

It's so fucking unthinkable, it's uber fantastic.

(Pasintabi sa mga lumalafang, INGLET itu)

"Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) is hiding in plain sight. While waiting one
morning for the foreman who might give him a sheepherding job, Ennis keeps his
head low and his hands stuffed in the pocket of his jeans, like the wallflower
at a school dance. On the other side of the parking lot, a roughneck named Jack
Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) jumps out of a pickup truck. He poses against the side
of the truck and studies the other man with the narrowed eyes of a gunslinger -
or a cruiser in a singles bar. "

Forty-nine years and a half akez na super waitsiva sa felikulang itu. As early as May of 2005 eh nakakareadaloo akez ng mga chismis tungkol ditey at ang chika nga eh super hottest ang movie next to the maximum level.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, is one of the best gay films that the movie industry had produced, if not simply one of the greatest love stories in film history. Pero ang tanong ng bayan, GAY nga ba siya o isa lang siyang eksena ng dalawang menchukulaytis kamatis na nagkaenlababuhan.

Anyway, wenopangba?

E di kung nagkaenlababuhan naman siletchie eh di maliwanag pa sa tanghaling tapat na eksena siya ng mga badinggerzie.

Pero ang pinakanakakalokang eksena eh, set ang felikulang itey hey hey hey sa 60s and among all the places in this gay world . . . . eh sa Wyoming pa talaga ang eksena.

Simple lang naman ang istorya. Istorya ng dalawang menchus na nagkaenlababuhan habang ilang buwan na nasa bulubundukin, habang naghe-herd ng sheep. Nagkahiwalay, nagjusawa, pero in the end eh male-learn natin na mahal talaga nila ang isa’t isa, no matter what.

Sabi nga ng ilang friends kez witchelles daw talaga makukumpleto ang sense ng felikula kung wang eksena ang Mountain ever. Sa malamang, e sa jundok ara pinangalan ang pelikula noh.

In fairness, noong una eh duda akey hey hey hey sa kakayahan ni Ang Lee na makapagdeliver ng felikulang bukod sa super melodramatic eh gay na gay pa ang motiff ever. Dyosko, tuwing nababanggit si Ang Lee noon eh biglang jumojosok sa jisip key hey hey eh ang uber-flop na walang sense na felikulang Incredible Hulk, and I can’t help but maduwal sa diri. Echoz.

Pero in fairness din naman, sinetch ba naman ang makakalimot sa masterpiece ni Ang Lee: THE CROUCHING TIGER AND THE CHENELYN DRAGON, which gave him an oscar.

Anyway, napatunayan ni Ang Lee ang kabaklaan niya, este, ang kanyang kakayahan bilang isang magaling na film director sa adaptation ng short-story ni Annie Proulx.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, imagine a long-playing MARLBORO COMMERCIAL, but instead of the cowboys loving their horses, they are loving each other. Kakaloka.

Kakaloka moment number 1: Imbyerna ang accent nilang lahat . . . .. . 60s na nga ang eksena, western pa itey, so more more cowboy talaga ang twang ng mga de puta at ang pinakangarag eh ang accent ni Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger), na kung minsan eh witchelles ko talaga ma-learn kung aniklavu ang chinichika niya sa sobrang harsh ng accent niya ha. At bet pa yata niyang kabugin si Marlon Brando sa pelikulang Godfather sa paglalagay ng bulak sa loob ng ngangabu.

Kakaloka moment number 2: Yung thought na dalawang uber-straight na menchukulaytis kamatis, as in uber-straight with the rough edges, redneck attitude, cowboy outfit with all the boots the hats, the checkered flannels na naka-tuck-in and let’s not forget those skimpy jeans na parating nakakapagpahumiyaw sa juwetrax ni Heath Ledger. At siyempre, with all those horseys, boytalk and avratheng, ANNIE PROULX must have been deranged when she thought of the concept of gay love between these kind of men. Wit naman sa wit ko bet ang concept na yonchie, sa truelilie nga eh super happy . . . . super duper mega over happy siya na nakakaimberna.

Ayon nga lang eh nakawatch na akez ng ganitez na eksena, way way back, sa PORN nga lang. So witchelles ko learn kung gaano ka-original ang istorya ni ANNIE. Echoz!

Kakaloka moment number 3: Shet! Ang hottest ni Jake Gyllenhaal. Parang bet ko namang magpakabayo sa kanya one of these days!!!! O Jake! My Jake!!!! Kabayuhin mo naman akey hey hey hey!!!!!

Kakaloka moment number 4: Dookit scene ng dalawang cowboy sa loob ng super jutay na tent. Arrrrrgh. Witchelles ko siya madescribe nang witchelles akez na-eerbogan.

Super borlogsiva si Jack Twist (JAKE GYLLENHAAL) sa loob ng tentaloo ara habang super borlog namench si Ennis Del Mar (HEATH LEDGER) sa labas ara.

Nagising si Jack dahil super nahi-hearsung niyang warlang-warla na sa ginawla si Ennis sa jobas. So, pinashosok niya itey sa super jutay na tentaloo.

JACK: Ennis, ditey ka nech ma-orlok!

Shumoyo naman si Ennis na super nginig-nginigan portion pa. At nag-enter-the-dragon nga sa tentaloo. Shumobe kay Jack.

Borlog.

Then.

Nakaorlok na siletchie ng slight slight.

Then.

Biglang.

Ginetching ni Jack ang kamay ni Ennis at niyakap sa kanya.

Super yakap naman si Ennis.

Nang biglang.

Hala!

Nagkalokahan.

Biglang shumoyo si Ennis and Jack.

Walang splukang namamagitan sa dalawang menchus.

Parang naloloka lang si Ennis sa mga nagaganap. Pati rin si Jack. Malalim ang mga paginga ever. Pilit na tina-touchstone pictures ni Jack ang fezlack ni Ennis, pero umiiwas siya, to the point na may puwersahan nang nagaganap.

Super shonggal namanchie ng poliley si Jack at super unbuckle ng belt.

Witchelles na nakatiis si Ennis. Shinorlak na niya si Jack padapa. With matching force pa ren itu ha. Para silang nagre-wrestling.

Then,

Hinila na lang ni Ennis ang shontolon ni Jack. Binaba ang shontolon niya.

Hanggang sa . . . .


Kakaloka moment number 5: Botommesa si JAKE GYLLENHAAL!

The day after the dookit scene.

Super pagirl na higa-higaan portion si Jack Twist (JAKE GYLLENHAAL) sa damuhan portion arabelles. Biglang enter si Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger), with the baril and everything.

Super sighteous lang sila ng slight. Then super upo si Ennis sa shube ni Jack.

ENNIS: (looking at the vast wilderness) Kung anechiwa man ang mga eksenang nagaganap ditey eh ditey lang 'yon.

JACK: Truelsa Clench! Wai namang shukialam ang others. Tayoti langti ang may shukialamti.

ENNIS: Witchelles akez badinggerzie!!!!!!!!

JACK: Naman batman palaman superman! Akez den!

Sabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ba naman?!

Kakaloka moment number 6: Baket kelangang may mga boobaloo exposure? Nakakasuka! Choz!

Kakaloka moment number 7: Fabulous si Anne Hathaway.

Kakaloka moment number 8: Dookit scene ni Heath Ledger at ng napangasawa niyang bilatchinabbelles, binobona niya talaga itey hey hey hey, na parang the same way kung paano niya binobona si Jake Gyllenhal. Hahahahaha. Laftir moment.

Kakaloka moment number 9: 'Nung first time uli nagkita si Jake at si Heath after four years. May mga jusawa at junakis morrisette na ang mga de puta. At nung nagsighteous talaga sila eh mega lapchukan galore here there and everywhere. At biglang BUKAYONG WALANG TAMIS ang drama ng masight ng jusawa ni Heath ang lapchukan moment. Hahahaha. Laftir moment another.

Ano kaya ang feeling ng isang bilat pag nadiscover niyang may kaleptolelang ang jusawa niya?

Kakaloka moment number 10: Baket kelangang maging thundercats sila at mas lalo na si Jake, kelangan talagang pachakahin siya di ba? Imberna.

Anyway, super happy talaga ang delivery. Isa syang EPIC LOVE STORY. Sobrang powerful ng mga shots, especially with the main character of the story, the Brokeback Mountain. The film is a visual feast. Almost every important scene in the film has been conveyed visually. Less talakathon portion talaga, more arte. Even though, witchelles akez masyadong convinced sa arte ni Heath Ledger pero parang di ko sure kung ganoonchie lang talaga ang character niya bilang the rough cowboy eksena with less and concealed emotions.

It is a story of PURE LOVE. But since that their love is not "normal". Witchelles din naging happy ending ang love story nila.

If falling in a life-long love genuinely, loving and being loved in return, would always end up in a tragedy. So be it, then, let my life be tragic.

Katulad din ng sinasabi ng ilan. Gay life has always been a tragedy in the making.

NAGDALAGA KA NA BA?

I was in a Star Cinema conference room, sitting across me is a writer, honestly, his name, I haven't heard before, in my left is Olivia Lamasan, a cup of coffee in one hand and a menthol cigarette on the other, one member of the creative team is also with us. I have been invited to be a subject for a story that is still being brewed.

Finally, the other writer that we were waiting for stepped in. She is carrying a huge shoulder bag, and a broad sheet. She apologized and immediately sat beside the other writer. She opened the news paper, looking for something . . . . . then she said, "It's here, we won!"

That was the first time I heard the name MAXIMO OLIVEROS.

Little did I know, that the writers who were there are one of those who are responsible for an indie film, which started small but later would be considered as one of the best films of the year.

From that day onwards, I have been lusting to see ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS but due to my entangled schedules, it was deemed near to impossible. My desperation intensified as accolades from left and right were thrown at the film and how it swept awards from international film festivals.

Yesterday, while still furious and mourning due to the loss of my beloved TAPPY (even though ancient, my IBM ThinkPad is my best buddy for the past years) I opened my email in the office, overflowing with emails of people looking for me and endless follow-ups. Suddenly I felt as if I just ressurected from the dead because it is not only TAPPY, which got lost (or stolen) but also SIXSIE, my 6600. They were together in one bag as we wait for our plane to Manila in Davao Aiport. Next thing I knew, it was no longer there where I left it.

Anyway, whining aside, one email stood out from my inbox with the subject "fan of baddinggerzie/favor to ask". I froze on my seat with delight and excitement . . . . "Shet! Heto na siya!!!!"

you are invited to the movie's premiere night tonight, tuesday, november 29,
7:00 p.m. at sm megamall cinema 2

And the movie that he is talking about is none other than, "ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS"

Unfortunately, I opened that email a day late and I wasn't able to go to the premiere night. But I immediately closed my computer, got my things and told Becky that I am going to see a movie that made me salivate like a mad dog with rabies for the past months. I won't let the day pass without seeing a "legend" in the making.

At around 9, I was in front of the ticket booth in Gateway Cineplex.

"PAGDADALAGA po," I told the ticket lady.

As the movie opened with an "estero", I prepared myself for total bliss, with college girls giggling on my left and stiff dykes on my right.

Until now, I'm speechless. I'm still carrying the same surreal feeling I have last night while incessantly applauding as the credits rolled out in the end.

Technically, it was not a "gay" film, and as Howie Severino puts it, "what I saw were characters who happened to be gay in a work of art that told the truth about our society."

The film cracked my hard shell, developed through time and experiences (mostly bad). It made me go back and feel the raw emotions of first love, of how pure and innocent it was. It ignites a different "kilig" feeling, not the same "kilig" feeling as you see Judy Ann Santos asking for extra rice as she daydreams of Piolo Pascual, it is not the same "kilig" feeling as you see Meg Ryan going through the barriers of time just to be with Hugh Jackman. Those are artifical "kilig" feelings brought about by goodlooking actors exchanging sugar coated lines. APMO extracts not these but the reality that we have long-forgotten. It is like looking at ourselves in the mirror, not that all of us were fond of "puki" shorts and hair clips when we were on our teens . . . . but looking through the eyes of Maxi, as he cooks dinner for his father and kuyas and as he peaks at the hunky police officer, Kuya Victor, while putting on his undies, makes you go "oowwwww ang sweet" and tili to the maximum level like a love-deprived bitch.

I was glued on my seat, my eyes are keen for every detail, my ears filtering every word spoken:

Maxi and Victor are seated side by side one afternoon. Maxi is helping Kuya Victor shine his shoes . . . . . without "keme" and with the super-pagirl smile Maxi asks:

"Kuya Victor, may syota ka na ba?"

Victor faces the twelve-year
old, "Baket? May nakikita ka bang babae na kasama ko? At saka istorbo lang yan
sa trabaho."

Maxi smiles and blurts, "Ano ba ang tipo mo sa babae?"

The kilig that Maxi felt and the expected embarrassment from Kuya Victor, while blushing was felt, detail by detail, by the audience controlling the urge to scream their hearts out.

"Ikaw? Kelan ka ba magkakaGIRLfriend?" Kuya Victor asks.

We laughed. As a gay man, I know, it would be best just to get a knife and stab yourself than to be asked that question.

So as Maxi, even at a very young age, is very aware of this.

"Kuya Victor naman, nakakasuka. Hindi kami talo noh! Ayaw ko na nga."

Maxi shoves the shoe, obviously offended by the question, stands and walks
towards the gate to leave.

"San ka pupunta?" Victor asks.

Maxi stopped, his back still against his knight in shining armor, sneering.

"Baket? Ayaw mo bang malaman ang tipo ko sa isang babae?"

Maxi turns around, forgets his "pag-iinarte", smiles and heads straight back to Victor, longing to hear . . . . .

"Ang tipo ko sa isang babae . . . . . ."

Maxi smiles, kilig to the bones, super pa-girl, tucks his not so long hair behind an ear . . .

"eh yung simple, mahinhin tsaka maasikaso."

Immediately, the audience, including me, could no longer suppress th scream . . . . then . . . . . everyone just exploded, screaming in delight, laughing and applauding.

Then, there was the first kiss, stolen by Maxi, while Victor was eating lunch cooked by the infatuated teen. Then, Victor said something out of surprise and flattery but I wasn't able to get it because the entire cinema was rowdy and there was an earsplitting noise. I've neither seen nor heard a crowd being so "kilig" before. And to think of that it was a mixed crowd, girls, boys, fathers, mothers etc.

After all the hearts being engulfed in pleasure, the resentment emanated in the cinema as Maxi began to stand between his family that loves him the most and the hunky policeman, investigating a murder. Maxi knew the killer, it was his eldest brother, KUYA BOY. The blood-stained shirt that he washed told it all.

There was the dilemma; will Maxi tell the love of his life that it is his Kuya Boy they're looking for or will he protect his family of crooks?

VICTOR: Maxi, 'nung isang gabi, nakita ko, meron kang sinusunog na damit. Kanino yon?

MAXI: Hindi ko alam! Hindi ko alam!!!

Then:

MAXI: Kuya, ano pong gagawin 'nyo kay Kuya Victor? wag nyo po siyang
sasaktan.

A slap from Maxi's father landed on his
face.

MANG PACO: Parati na lang yan si Victor. Simula nang dumating
yan dito parating siya na lang. Hindi mo na ba kami naiisip?

Or something like that.

I really have so much to tell about this movie and I will not be able to say it all in one sitting.

One more thing though, I have noted that the audience applauded like more than ten times in between scenes plus the earsplitting noises that I was talking about earlier. At the end, people were all standing, clapping, while credits are rolling out and did not leave until they were able to see the names of the people who brought this movie to life.

On my home, I said to myslef: SHET! PARANG GUSTO KONG MAGDALAGA ULET?!

For more info visit: http://maximooliveros.tripod.com

PS. Siguro super wonderbra ang mga beauty 'nyo kung baket bumubula ang bunganga kez ng INGLET ano? Oh well. Isa lang ang ma-ichichika ko - masyado na sigurong redundant kung babaklain ko pa itu and out of respect na ren to the movie itself . . . (shet! respect . . . meron pa pala ako non). Anyway, anik pa ang super waitsiva 'nyo . . . shoma na ang jinternet. Stop and cancel everything . . . attacksiva na sa nearest cinema . . . WATCH ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS or else . . . . . echoz! Mag-threat ba? You'll miss a part of your life pag witchelles nyez itez na-sighteousbelles ever!!!

BAKLA. BAKLA. BAKET KA GINAWA (reload)

Ginawa akez para magkasilbi sa mundo, di lang bilang isang bakla, pero bilang isang tao. Nakikita nyo ako sa paligid nyo, sa parlor na nag-aayos ng buhok 'nyo . . . . . . sa school na nagle-lecture sa inyo . . . . . . sa mga magazine na binabasa nyo . . . . . . . sa libro . . . . na iniiyakan mo . . . . . sa simbahan na nanenermon sa inyo . . . . . sa kanto na nagtitinda ng balot nyo . . . sa funenaria na nagpapaganda sa mga patay nyo . . . . . sa salamin pag tumitingin kayo sa sarili nyo.

Hindi ako isang sket na nakakahawa at pwedeng magamot . . .
Hindi ako parang kabute na bila na lang sumulpot . . . . .
Hindi ako isang engkanto na nanggaling sa ilalim ng lupa . . .
Tao din ako . . . ginawa para mabuhay sa mundong ito . .


Isipin 'nyo kung wala ang bakla . . .

Kung hindi ginawa ang bakla, malamang nagdadasal na kayo sa lahat ng santong kilala nyo . . . . . "Dyosko! Baket walang BAKLA sa mundo!"

NANG ANG BAKLA AY LABASAN . . . .

ng IDEYA na SIYA talaga ay MIYEMBRO NG FEDESRAYON

The following email was printed with permission from the sender:

Dear Bernadette,

I am a 24-year-old graphic designer for a so-so ad agency. I came upon your blogsite when a college friend forwarded some of your entries through email. (Of course, I didn't know why this friend of mine forwarded he entries, since he doesn't have any clue that I am gay. Or does he?)

Anyway, the first time that I read about your gay life, I can't help but laugh my guts out but as I continue reading, entry per entry, week after week. I can't help but feel the same deep, serious feelings that you are trying to convey through your words. I had never felt comfortable with sexuality ever since. However, your thoughts somewhat enlightened me in a way, that I am beginning to learn to accept that I'm gay and that I should start being proud of it.

I know that I can't hide in the closet forever. And I believe that now is the irght time to come out of the shadows of deception.

Bernadette/Bernard, you made me realize what I have been missing.

You truly are an inspiration and I hope that you continue on making a difference in the GAY community.

Please be reminded that I will be there for you always and the rest of you readers in your quest to survive as a third sex in the city.

Sincerely yours,

Suzie (formerly known as Steve)

*

Dear Suzie (formerly known as Steve),

Maraming salamat sa email aver. Wa akez ma-ispluk, these past few days eh depression mode ang bakl pero pag nakaka-readdaloo akembang ng mga email gaya ng saya sa iyez eh parang na-a-uflift ang sfirits kez. Parang masscot akez ng DLSU green archers with mega-over fabulous na cheerdancers sa opening ng UAAP sa Araneta.

About your coming out, hay naku, its about time, muntik ka nang mawal sa uso ever. Remember, habang sangguniang kabataan pa ang beauty ever eh go lang ng go! eynimomentz! Pag na-laos ang beauty mo eh mega-crayola la na lang sa isang sulok na sa sobrang crayola mez eh makakapagpinta ka na lang ng isang fresco na kakabugin ang kesame ng sistine chapel.

Mahirap namanchie talagosh na mag-stay sa closet ever. Ang mga dapat lang naman talagang mag-stay sa closet eh ang walis-tambo at ang mga hanging ts-shirts, with psychedelic colors, na may-I-wear naten nung nauso si Cindy Lauper.

Well, medyo nakak-nerbiyos ang coming-put decision mo, konting hinay-hinay lang, eynimomentz eh baka umataksiva ka na lang sa ofis nyez na naka-long-gown o kaya naka-tsubeba with mega-micro-mini skirt in a 5 inch stilleto boots ha.

Pagdating naman sa ibang bagay, kering-keri pang humabol sa karera - kaya ready-get-set-go (boooomsht!) Kumota na ng kumota habang maaga.

Nagmamahal,

Bernadette.

*

Well, truksiva namang harshness of culture ang aminan portion, lalo na pag medyo thundercats ka na. Iba talaga ang tawag ng kabaklaan, kapag witchelles mez itu pinakinggan eh mumultuhin ka nito nang mumultuhin hanggang umatak ka na lang ng Circle at bumuking ng sholbum habang ang jusawa mong bilat eh walang ka-learn-learn sa mga eksena mo sa lyf aver! Harsh 'da vah?

Siguro, it's a good thing na maaga pa lang eh na-realize kez na na badinggerzie akez, at an early, very fresh, very young age. Katulad ng ng chinika kes sa BAKLA! BAKLA! PAANO KA GINAWA? entry eh high school pa lang akez eh umamin na akembang.

Anyway, siguro harsh lang din ang fact na mag-come-out ka sa closet in a matured age. Maraming mga eksenang dapat i-take into consideration, like your workikay, your friendivas, your community and your familia zaragoza aver.

Naala kez yung isang friend ko, mega-amin siya sa parental guidance ever niya, he was 25. Deadma naman ang parents sa feelings ni bakla. Chika nila, ipapa-therapy siya at worse comes to worst eh papa-injectionan siya ng testosterone (male hormones) ever para lang maging uber-luluki siya. Harsh da 'vah? Witchelles naman parang sakit ang pagiging veklores na magagamot ever.

Aminin naten, mejo keri-keri naman na ang presence ng kabaklaan sa present filipino community, witchelles like 48 years ago na parang ishoshoko ka sa krus ever at susunugin sa plaza sa tapat ng barangay hall. Naalala kez, laftir momentz, sa probinsiya namench eh may pinagkamalang aswang dahil parati daw lumalabas ng gabe at nag-iiba raw ang anyo tuwing gabe. Yun pala, veklores lang si puta. The good news is, witchelles siya sinunog sa plaza but the thing is, yung mga chismis at kung pano siya tratuhin ng mga shopetbalay niya eh worse pa kung pano nila tratuhin kung aswang nga ang shopetbalars nila.

Siguro yun nga ang kinaboborkotan ng karamihan kaya witchelles sila makapag-come-out. Shorkot sila sa mga itatalak ng mga utawsingbelles sa paligid nila. Less think na lang sa isyu ng moralidad, na I believe na slight out-dated na rin naman.

*

Speaking of coming-out stories, na-read kez itez from boi_bitch:

It was the sort of confession that a decade ago might have been scribbled in a teenager's diary, then quietly tucked away in a drawer: "Somewhat recently," wrote a boy who identified himself only as Zach, 16, from Tennessee, on his personal Web page, "I told my parents I was gay." He noted, "This didn't go over very well," and "They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they 'raised me wrong.'"

But what grabbed the attention of Zach's friends and subsequently of both gay activists and fundamentalist Christians around the world who came across the entry, made on May 29, was not the intimacy of the confession. Teenagers have been outing themselves online for years, and many of Zach's friends already knew he was gay. It was another sentence in the Web log: "Today, my mother, father and I had a very long 'talk' in my room, where they let me know I am to apply for a fundamentalist Christian program for gays."

"It's like boot camp," Zach added in a dispatch the next day. "If I do come out straight, I'll be so mentally unstable and depressed it won't matter."

Read the full story at NYTimes.com.

Nakakapang-gigil da ' vah?

BAKLA! BAKLA! PAANO KA GINAWA?

In fairness, marami talaga ang may-I-ask sa 'ken kung vaket and paano raw akey naging vading.

Isa siya sa mga favorite kong i-chika.

Actually, hindi akey klaro kung paano nga ba, pero may sarili akong theory. Hindi naman kasi pagka-ire sa ken ng mudra ko e learn na ng everybody na badinggerzie akey. If that is the case e di sana Bernadette talaga ang pangalan ko at super model na sana akey. Hey Hey!

Five years ang tanda ko kay NICK (may half-bruder/half-sister) at sa unang 5 years ng lyf ko e ang naalala ko lang e parating kalaro ko ay mga bilat (gurls). Hayon, super play akey ng barbie dolls, tinikling, jackstone, tinda-tindahan, etc. Play lang akey ng play. Hey! Hey! Noon pa lang eh feeling ko e pumipilantik na ang mga daliri ko. Nung tumagal sabi ng grandfuder ko (sumalangit nawa) na hindi raw prooper sa boy na may-I-play ng such tings. Pang-girlaloo lang daw yon. Atsaka pag ganon e magiging veklus nga raw akey. So, naloka ako - ayaw ko naman yatang maging veklus. (Not knowing na magdidilang propeta pala si grandfuder)

So, hayun nagkaroon ako ng mindset na lalake akey.

Elementary days, walang kuwestiyon. lalaking-lalaki ever akey. Consistent honor student, pirma-pirma ng slumbook, kras-kras sa bilat, ligaw-ligaw at kung anu-anu pang pa-effect.

Even though, nanonotice ko na meron akong inkling sa mga majorette. Hindi ko noon alam kung gusto ko yung mga majorette o gusto kong MAGING majorette. pero deadma lang talaga akey. Confident pa ren ako sa pagluluki ko.

First & Second year high school - naging girlfriend (wait, I have to throw-up . . . . gggwwwwaaaaark) ko ang elementary sweetheart (sheeeeeet! I am having goosebumps!) So deadma pa ren sa pagkabading. Tapos, first year din nun nung na-meet ko si Nikolai, bagong salta, gwapo, ka-fez ni Patrick garcia. Inoffer ko sa kanya ang friendship ko tapos naging mag-bestfriend kame.

Third year, wala na kame ni elementary sweetheart. Irreconcilable differences (which is only to be justified in the later years). Nag-mamature na ang mga bagets. Bestfriend ko pa ren si Nikolai.

May eksenang meron siyang bet na gurl, si Mya, niligawan niya, tapos niligawan ko naman yung friend ni Mya, si Grace.

Nung ligaw-ligawan portion eh may nanonotice ako sa aken na kakaiba. Andami kong moodswings tapos parate kong inaaway si Nikolai. Kung minsan eh gumagawa na lang ako ng rason para magalet sa kanya.

Akala ko 'non, bet ko ren si Mya, so dineadma ko si Grace, tapos niligawan ko ren si Mya. Mahabang proseso yon. Tapos nagkagulo-gulo ang circle of friends dahil sa love triangle, tapos hayun, nag-away-away.

Ako ren non eh gulung-gulo.

Tapos, hayun na, lumabas at inamin ko na ren sa sarili ko ang the truth and nothing but the truth . . . . na BET ko e si Nikolai at hindi si Mya.

Naloka ang lahat.

LAHAT: (dapat sabay-sabay) E di Bading ka?

AKO: Akala 'nyo lang hindi! Pero OO! OO! OO!

So, dun nagsimula ang enlightenment ko and everything made sense. I've started to see life in a different and clearer perspective. In fairnes, nung pag -amin ko na bading sa sarili ko eh parang gumaan yung loob ko and nawala yung angst ko and para bang nabunutan ako ng tinik sa lalamunan. Later in life, hindi naman na pala tinik ang papasok sa lalamunan kundi ... mmmmm ... alam 'nyo na.

Well, hindi pa ren kami nag-end up ni Nikolai kasi lalaki daw siya (noon ha. ewan ko lang ngayon).

Pero ang ending eh bading na ko. Para naman pwede ko pang i-retract yon da 'vah? For me, its partly a matter of choice and partly the law of nature. Hindi ko pinilit ang sarili ko na maging bading. Hindi ko pinilit na ma-attract kay Nikolai, it just came and I just felt it. When felt the first spark of true love, it is different, and you know what it is when it hits you.

Ang naging choice ko lang eh yung pag-amin at pagtanggap, which is hard . . . . . damn hard.

Hayun. Those were the first explosions of the third sex in me . . . . . . . that's when my life started.