HINDI DAW SILA MAGJOWA!!!!!

Nag-meet kami ni Prince sa McDonald's sa Glorietta kaninang lunch. Super teksami siya sa ketchiwa for the past few days at nag-iinvite. Akez naman e deadma, learn ko namng eynimomentz eh sakit na naman ng ulo ang i-gigivesung sa 'ken nung tukling na yon dahil sa kabaliwan niya sa kaibigan kong bato. Pero parang na-guilty din ako kaya't nag-meet kame.

Talak ni Prince na masyado na daw siya nahihirapan sa eksena nila ni Claude. May mga momentz daw na super sweet si Claude, tapos may mga momentz namang super deadmatology 101 ang drama niya na para lang siyang kaluluwang ligaw sa todos los santos. At ang pinakanakakaloka daw sa lahat eh 'nung nakaraang gabu lang eh nag-take-home ng dookit si Claude, na para kay Prince is a complete violation.

Witchelles naman sa kinakampihan ko si Claude, pero keri naman niyang gawin ang everything na bet niyang gawin sa balaysung niya.

Shinornong ko kung anu ba talaga ang status nila ni Claude.

Witchelles niya learn.

Chika ko naman, baka naman keri na niyang mag-move at maghanap ng sariling place, para malayo siya muna kay Claude. Para naman at least e makapag-jisip-jisip siya at marealize niyang negative talaga ang mga eksena niya.

Confident siya sa pagchika na learn niya deep inside eh may nararamdaman si Claude para sa kanya. Byorkot lang daw siyang aminin itey hey hey hey.

Witchelles ko naman sure kung truelili ba yon or not. I cannot talk for Claude.

Pero chika ko na lang na baka confused lang itung si Prince dahil sa feelings niya. Kung minsan, as a person in-love eh may mga bagay tayez na nafi-feel at nasa-sight na akala naten eh trulagen colagen sustagen. In short, baka nagiging damaera lang siya! DAMAERA . . . . isang taong mataas ang lebel ng pandama to the extent na nabibigyan niya ng ibang kahulugan ang mga bagay-bagay na pinapakita sa kanya.

Tinanong ko si Prince kung aneklavu ang bet niyang gawin.

Magtitiis daw siya. Hanggang keri niya.

HALLER!!!!!!!

Claude is not worth it.

Pero, sinuportahan ko naman siya. Sige, go lang ng go. Kung feeling niya eh enlababo siya talaga ng fatalle kay Claude at may uber-daks na chances na ma-enlababo din si Claude sa kanya eh why not?! Magtiis siya hanggang dumugo ang ilong niya.

*

Ka-joint ko naman si Claude isang afternoon sa Fitness First sa Robinson's Summit. Postcard na kami sa gym-gyman portion, at makyoket na ng fatalle ang bortawan kez.

Nakajupo na kami sa loob ng sauna na parang mga siopao na tinitinda sa binondo. Kaya kung minsan e mas bet namin sa Fitness First kesa sa Slimmers kasi sa powerful na sauna with the tapis-tapis portion and the steam and everything. Unlike sa Slimmers na shower ka lang, bihis tapos isquierda. At mas maraming pwedeng pag chismisan sa Fitness First. Hahhaahah. Pero anyway, may mga friendiva pa ren akez sa Slimmers . . . . kaya suporta lang.

Anyway, kinorner ko si Claude at pinilit na ipasok sa conversation si Prince habang pinagpupustahan namen kung ga’no ka-daks ang kadadaan lang na basketball player na jowa ng isang singarette.

Tinanong ko bigla kung gaano ka-daks si Prince.

Harsh! Pero yun lang ang nahanapan kong moment.

Naloka si Claude at tinaasan akez ng kilay.

"Are you asking that because you are interested or are you asking that because you want to know if Prince and I are having sex?"

Witchelles akez nakasagot agad.

"Average! Okay na. 5 and a half . . . . . . six. Something like that."

"So . . . . "

"Yah. Nagsesex kame. Paminsan-minsan."

"So. Ano kayo?"

"Friends. . . ."

"Fucking friends?"

"Parang ganon. No strings attached."

"Do you care for him?"

"Of course, like how I care for you."

"Pero hindi tayo nagse-sex."

"Of course not."

"Pag iniwan ba kita, iiyak ka?"

"You will not leave me."

"I can leave you."

"Hindi."

"Baket naman?"

"You need me. You can never leave me."

"O sige! Let's just say. I can leave you. Would you cry? Would you be devastated?"

"Of course. We've been friends for like forever."

"Pano pag iniwan ka naman ni Prince?"

Witchelles katulad ng inaakala ko, witchelles agad nakasagot si Claude.

"I'll be hurt."

Seryoso si Claude sa sagot niya. Witchelles ko ren inexpect na yonchienabelles ang itatalak niya.

Then he continued, "I like him, Bernz. I like him a lot. But I just can't be in a relationship. I don't know what we are. But we are not lovers."

Naguluhan naman ako don.

They're living together, nagdo-dookit sila, Claude cares for Prince, he likes him. He likes him a lot . . . . pero witchelles sila magjowa.

Handspring! Backflip! Then! Nosebleed!

AS WORSE AS IT GETS

"I can't believe that actually happened," bakas sa fezlack ni Claude ang shock as if na super shocker talaga ang chinika kez.

"Why naman? Kahit papaano may asim pa rin naman ako," talak ko naman habang mega-sight sa dalawang cutie na menchus na naglalampuchingan sa likuran niya.

"Hindi yun yon eh. Number 1, you did it in a moving bus and number 2, you let some guy suck you off instead of you doing it," learn kong witchelles din sa 'ken naka-sight si Claude. Meron siyang pinagtutuunan ng pansin somewhere out there.

"Oh well, I couldn't help it. It was just a spur of the moment. And besides, he was the one who pulled out my junjun and went down. Anyway, it felt good. You should know it." At that moment eh bet kong ma-learn kung anik ang goodness na mafi-felt kez kung mate-taste-test kez kahit sinuman sa dalawang pamenthol.

"Yeah, I know 'coz I'm a top and the last time I've checked, you were a bottom."

"So? No one's perfect and besides according to my research, tops and bottoms are only labels used when fucking is involved, now when there is none, it is non-existent. So, I'm still a bottom," at kung TOP man silang dalawa, I wouldn't mind being a bottom forever.

"Speaking of bottoms . . . . . "

Umabot na sa fatalistic ang level ng pang-aaura ni Claude. Napasighteous naman akez sa the chosen one. 6'2. Shaved ang hair. Matangos ang ilong. Mapanga. Good body and good butt, I might add, na halos humihilagpos sa tight-fitting uber-low rise jeans. Blue eyes. Claude's typical bottom.

And then, super-ikmyle akez sa kanya.

Nang ma-spottan niya ang beauty kez eh mega-ikmyle din siya.

Biglang humarap sa 'ken si Claude sabay irap at lipsynch ng salitang "BITCH".

"Andrew!!!!!" talak ko habang papalapet ang menchus.

"Hoi. Sorry Ai wus layt," talak naman ni Andrew with a heavy Aussie accent.

"Nonsense. You're fashionable."

Parang biglang sinilihan naman ang juwetrax ni Claude at nag-ubo-ubuhan.

"Andrew, by the way, this is my friend, Claude. Claude, my director for Barney's, Andrew."

"Nice to meet you. It's so nice to see new faces," chika ni Claude habang mega-shake hands with matching pisil-pisil on the loose.

"Saym hir, mayt."

Sa kabila nang malalamig na ihip ng hangin dahil heto na ang Disyembre eh isang super-jinit na gabe na naman 'yon. Last weekend na yonchie ng aking mga Aussie counterparts sa isang show ng isang baklang dinosaur na super-kinababaliwan ng mga kyotabelles. Kaya, nag-decide akez na hainan ng native na putahe ang mga forayners. Baka naman kasi ichika nilang walang kahospi-hospitality ang mga Pinoy . . . . especially mga baklang Pinoy.

At kung laman at laman din naman ang pag-uusapan eh saanchinabelles ka pa makakasighteous ng mas plentibelles na lamang nakahain na, tuturo ka lang at papak na, kundi sa . . . . jajajajanjaraaaan . . . . . . MALARS!!!!

Super nomu muna kame sa Komiks habang nagpapatama at mega-cruising sa mga baklita at pamhintang dumadaan, lumalabas at pumapasok ng BED. In fairnes, ang tagal ko rin naging absent sa ganitong ruta at sa bawat atak kez sa lugar na itechiwa eh more and more kez na nafi-felt na tuma-thundercats na akez or . . . .

"They're getting younger and younger by the week," chika ni Claude sa 'ken at kay Andrew.

Iba talaga si Claude. Witchelles man lang niyang naisip na thundercats na kame.

Super-chikahan lang si Claude at si Andrew. Sa truelili lang eh witchelles ko masyadong felt makipagchikahan kay Andrew, witchelles naman dahil chaka siya or anything ha, super hottest nga siya eh but then, most of the time, eh witchelles ko naiintindihan yung chinichika niya with that HEYVIE UKSENT. Kung minsan nga eh yeys na lang akez ng yeys or kaya laftir na lang ang sagot kez even though witchelles ko talaga learn kung nag-j-joke ba ang pamhinchus or not.

Matapos ang tigatlong bote ng berangju eh direcho na kami pajosok sa newly-renovated BED. It's my first time at pag-enter kez eh nalowka naman daw akez. It’s fucking HUGE. Pero still, it is as crowded as ever.

Direcho akez sa bar to get some drinks at jiniwan ko muna si Claude and Andrew sa may gitna ng dancefloor staring at some guys sa mga ledge. When I got back, both of them are oggling at this topless guy . . . . in fairness, panalo ang abs. Ginivesung kez ang beer ni Andrew and Claude.

"Hiz byutifow," sigaw ni Andrew sa 'ken pero witchelles ko na-understand ever.

"Sorry . . . "

"Uy sayd, hiz byutifow," chika niya anuder.

"Oh yes. It's huge," akala kez naman yung chinika niya eh happy sa BED, yun pala.

"Uy wus refereng tow the gooy . . . . "

"Ahhh. Yeah," yung menchus pala . . . . . . "Anyway, I can still say that it's HUGE."

Pinagmasdan ko na ren tuloy ang topless na menchus sa ibabaw ng ledge, pawisan at parang napoposess.

Chika ni Claude na mukha daw pamilyar yung menchus na yonchienabelles.

Witchelles naman akez naloka. Chika ko sa kanya, halos lahat naman ng utawsingbelles doonchienabelles eh pamilyar sa kanya, dahil once upon a time eh halos everybody eh naka-dookit na niya.

Pero, according to Claude, not that guy.

So, super-wonderwoman naman akez. In fairnezz, super family nga until . . . . .

"VICKY!!!!!!", may umorwag doonchi sa mega-dance na menchus at ginivesungan ng drinkaloo.

Oh my fucking gawd . . . . . .

It's (itago natin siya sa pangalang) VICKY WET.

Tumbling si Claude 'nung chinika ko sa kanya.

"I never thought that he was gay."

So did I.

Chinika ko naman kay Andrew ang latest chismis na that guy that he's looking at eh isa sa mga top local models.

Anyway, dance galore lang kame hanggang napagod si Vicky at bumaba sa ledge. Dumaan siya sa harapan namen at tinapik ko ang mamasa-masa niyang balikat.

"Vicky!"

Humarap siya sa 'ken. Witchelles nag-spluk. Nagpakilala naman akez agad. Baka naman jisipin niya na kinakarera ko siya.

"Bernard. Remember?"

Clueless pa ren siya.

"From MTV, you know?"

Witchelles ko sure kung naalala ba niya talaga akez or super-pretend na lang siya nang maka-isquierda na.

Anyway, talak agad akez, "I never thought you are . . . ."

"Gay?"

"Yeah. It's so . . ."

"I'm not."

At isquierda na siya completely.

"He's such an asshole," talak ko kay Claude.

"He has a right to turn you down, you know. It's so unfair to call him an asshole."

"Haller. Hindi ko siya kinarir ha. Can you believe it? He's here. Dancing his guts out. God knows how much *toooooot* paid him to take his clothes off for that commercial and that billboard in EDSA. But he’s here, dancing topless. And mind you, sabi niya, he's not gay."

"What's new, Bernz?"

Deadma na nga. Wala naman akong ma-aachieve kung bading nga man talaga or not si Vicky Wet. Pero sana naman, he could admit it. I mean he's a good model, I mean, a good-looking model and he's one of the highest paid. Oh . . . . I guess that’s the reason why.

Okay. He's not gay.

Super dance si Andrew and si Claude at dahil para akong dwende sa dalawang nagtatangkarang mga badinggerzie eh umisquierda muna akez para ma-experience naman ang kadakilaan ng BED.

Witchelles ko sure kung anechiwa ang hinahanap kez, pero sight pa ren akez ng sight.

One guy looked at me, nasa isang sulok lang siya alone. Ohhhh. Too young.

Then, haves na naman ng another na nakipagkiskisan sa 'ken. Too old.

Somebody, danced with me. Too flamboyant.

Then, a fourth guy came up to me, and whispered something in my ear. That something, witchelles ko na betsiva na ibera pa ditemch. Nakakatiwang. Too horny.

While I'm there, standing, staring at a pool of assorted guys representing every color of the rainbow. Parang feeling kez, eh I'm back to my old self. Naka-prey mode na naman akez. Pero ang tanong ng bayan, "Ano nga ba talaga ang hinahanap ko?"

"Are you looking for me?" biglang entrada nang bulong na iyon mula sa likod ko. Malalim ang boses, soooo manly. Tumayo pa lahat ng balahibo sa katawan ko with matching kilig-kilig.

At pagharap ko . . . .

"SHIT KA! RICA!" muntik ko nang mahulog ang botelya ng berangjung hawak-hawak ko.

"Why? Are you expecting someone else?", talak ni Rica habang laftir to death.

I just made a face at napansin kez na kajoint-forces ng baklang Rica si Lucas. Binati ko si Lucas. Akala kez na witchelles na aatak ang bakla since forty-years na waiting-in-vain kame sa Komiks. Talak naman ni Rica, sinamahan lang daw kasi niya si Lucas. Nag-dinner daw sila with Lucas' family. Fabulous naman ng eksena, may-I-meet-the-parents na ang labanan. Laftir lang si Rica sa idea pero learn kong deep inside eh parang kinukurot ang tinggil ni bakla sa kilig.

Ipapakilala ko sana si Rica and Lucas kay Andrew but then, pag-atak naman sa pwesto eh si Claude lang ang andon. Witchelles din naman nya learn kung saanchinabelles umataksiva ang affam. Na-concern naman daw akez bigla but then talak ni Claude, malake na si Andrew, kung nakarating nga siya Pilipinas ng buo, malamang makakalabas siya ng BED ng buo at satisfied.

"Hello faggots!!!"

Nawindang naman daw kaming lahat sa bati ng isang pamilyar na boses.

Si Jessica.

He was definitely in a BED attire. And BED attire is almost no attire at all. Minus the Italian shirts, designer jeans and killer shoes, Jessica is definitely a hottie in his "pambahay" maong (as he calls it, which is still a vintage Levi's) and his "pangarag" rubber shoes.

Nagbatian si Rica and Jessica at super introduce ang jowa at nag-smearan lang sila ni Claude. This is definitely a Battle of the Bitches.

For the past few weeks eh naririndi na ang tenga kez sa kabilaang atake nila sa isa't isa:

"Money can buy anything," press release ni Jessica one time na super laklak kame ng kape sa Seattle's Best sa Greenbelt.

*

"Sabihen mo sa kanya, kung hindi pa siya nakatuntong ng New York eh hindi niya malalaman ang depinisyon ng salitang kultura", umaatikabong batikos naman ni Claude patungkol kay ilong ranger habang super nomu ng raspberry frap sa Starbucks, G4.

*

"Bernz, I want him," chika ni Jessica habang iniistima ang paglatok niya ng Vodka Sprite minsang nasa Manila DJs Club kame.

Isang Motorolla event ang nagaganap 'non.

The whole night eh parang sinisilihan ang juwet ni Jessica sa tuwing nasa-sight si Miki . . . . yung fly-in model from Norway.

Feeling ko naman super bugaw akez that night. E di chinika kez ang modil na di man lang maka-ispluk ng diretsong ingles. Anyway, kung masa-sight nyo siya eh super biao naman kasi talaga ever . . . . ang fezlack niya eh parang sadyang inukit ng mga bathala para luhuran at sambahin ng mg bakla. No wonder at sobrang watir-watir na si Jessica . . . feeling ko eh bahang-baha na ang imaginary bahay bata ni puta.

Finally, eh na-introduce ko ren ang Norweigan guy sa isang "feeling" New Yorker.

Ending eh the whole night eh super binakuranan na ni Jessica si Miki at por dios, por santo, santisima trinidad ang de-putang menchus naman eh super enjoy to the maximum level sa company ni Jessica.

Aba! Aba! Aba!

So, nakahaves ng instant date si Jessica. Modil pa!

"Sabihen mo sa Claude na yan. Wag nyang kuwestyunin ang Powers ko!!! Lumuhod kamo siya sa harapan ko at halikan ang mga paa ko."

*

The next day, may booking si Claude. Actually isa yun sa mga clients niya, na-impress sa kanya. Na-betan siya at nagdate sila. Well, nag-dookit-date. Nagchaperon ako sa date . . . pero hanggang dun lang . . . . sa dookit nega na.

"Sabihen mo kanya (Jessica) kumain kamo siya ng bubog . . . . tsaka sabihen mo ren na paminsan-minsan naman eh gumamit siya ng foundation that actually matches his skin . . . "

*

"I define glamour!" talak ni Jessica habang sinusukat ang bagong D&G na shirt.

*

"He may wrap his body with expensive cothes . . . Nobody fucking cares. Because when he takes off all those shit . . . mas mukha pa ren siyang ikwater sa 'ken."

*

"He's just envious of me. He's an intellectual bastard who's stuck at the bottom of the corporate ladder."

*

"Hoy! Hindi ko kamo kina-iinggitan ang pera niya. Yung mga lalake niya, kung hindi pa niya papakitaan ng makapal na wallet, e hindi naman siya papansinin. And tell him ha, I'm not in the bottom of the corporate ladder, I have an office with a view and a secretary."

*

Hanggang sa napagod na kong maging talking telegram.

*

Back to BED.

Nakidance na ren sa 'men si Jessica, though plenty pa ren ang umaaligid-aligid sa kanya at pinipilita corales siyang ilayo para masolo. I'm sure, he's enjoying every bit of attention that he's getting.

"I never thought that they allow bitches here," bulong ni Claude sa 'ken habang pinagmamasdan naming sina-sandwich si Jessica ng dalawang hottie na guys.

Sabat naman si Rica, "If they're not, then you should've not gained entry."

"Okay. Ipagtanggol mo ang FRIEND mo."

"When did you start taking offense, Claude. That Prince guy is really making you into something."

Wa na lang kuda si Claude sa mga talak ni Rica. Pero felt na felt kez na napipika na si bakla. In fairness, truelili naman ng slight ang chinichika ni Rica. For the past few weeks eh we noticed a lot of changes kay Claude rather he's changing into his old self. He started to go out. He started f*cking again.

Is this really happening?

Until . . . . . . . .

Ginetching ni Claude ang yosi kez, nagshonggal ng t-shirt at humiwalay sa 'men, wala pang ilang segundo eh para na siyang leche flan na pinuputakti ng mga langgam. THE BITCH IS BACK.

*

The thumpa-thumpa was getting harder and wilder. I'm on my third beer. Still, wala pa ring makarir.

Sa bandang kaliwa ko eh basang-basa na si Claude super dance pa ren. First time ko siyang nasightchinabelles na ganitech since namayapa ang ex-jowa niya.

Sa bandang kanan ko naman eh si Jessica, na parang dyos-dyosan na bumaba sa Olympus na sinasamba ng mga kapamintollahan.

At sa tabi ko eh si Rica at si Lucas na parang nasa JS Prom.

At akez ang dakilang observer with no one but me and myself.

Nakakapagoda tragedy din pala ang mangusyoso kaya umisquierda na muna akez to get some breath of fresh air.

Pagtuntong kez sa second floor eh shinorwag akez ni Andrew. Nasa bar siya, super drinkaloo with . . . . . .

VICKY WET.

Tumbling na naman akez.

Inontroduce akez ni Andrew kay VICKY as his closest friend in Manila and lo and behold ang de-putang Viky wet eh suddenly naging super friendly sa 'ken at naalala akez bigla na somebody he worked with sa isang event.

Sobrang kaplastikan ang na-felt kez na parang may naaamoy akong sunog na gulong kaya nag-excuse din akez at lumabas.

Umupo uli akez sa Komiks at umorder ng another berangju. Mas happy siguro kung lunurin kez na lang ang sarili kez sa alkohol ever nang mamanhid ang lahat ng parte ng katawan kez.

"Bernz!!!"

May tumawag saketchiwa. Akala ko naman kung sino na. Si Prince lang pala.

Si PRINCE!!!!!!

Super askaloo siya saketchiwa kung kajoint-forces kez ba si Claude. But of course, pero ang malaking tanong eh anechiwa naman ang ginagawa niya 'don.

Witchelles daw inaanswer ni Claude ang mga text niya pati na ren ang mga call ever.

But of course (another), super bisi-bisihan kaya siya sa loob.

Pinaupo ko muna si Prince at chinika ko na magberangju muna siya.

"I'm just worried," chika ni Prince. Obvious naman sa hitsura niya. Parang isa siyang desperate housewife sa Wysteria Lane.

Chika ko naman na witchelles niyang kelangang mag-worry. Si Claude 'yon. Maski patirahin mo siya sa Basilan ng isang buwan eh makakasurvive at makakasurvive si bakla.

Hanggang sa nagkaroon akez ng guts na itanong kung MAHAL ba niya talaga si Claude.

Talak niya, "Would I be here if I don't?"

Sabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I guess, he really is in-love. Pero ang tanong ng bayan, MAHAL kaya siya ni Claude?

"I hope na wala kang masyadong expectations kay Claude. Alam ko, you are a good person. At hindi ako nagda-doubt na you really love him. That's why, mahirap na pag nasaktan ka. Claude and I were friends since god knows when. Sobrang nice niya, though maraming hindi mag-aagree, pero when it comes to emotional things. Marami ka pang dapat kelangang ma-discover."

Walang reaksyon si Prince. Na-realize kez na parang harshness ang chuva kez. Pero better na siguro kung ma-learn niya talaga ang eksena para witchelles naman masyadong hopelessly-devoted-to-you ang drama niya.

Katulad nang nabanggit ko, for the past few months, eh nawala sa sarili si Claude dahil sa series of unfortunate circumstances. But as of the moment, nasi-sense ko na he is coming back to life. In a way, malaking factor ang pagsulpot ni Prince sa life ni Claude. Siguro, he pulled Claude back to reality and once again, na-feel ni Claude na wanted pa pala siya, na after the tragedy he experienced with his most recent lover (sumalangit nawa), eh keri pa pala siyang mabuhay. Para siyang nabuhay uli, doing the things he used to do and enjoying it to the fullest and that means not settling into a serious relationship. ENJOYMENT para kay Claude is "something that does not involve the word relationship."

Bigla na lang tumayo si Prince at jumosok sa BED.

Sa loob-loob ko naman, "Okay!!!! See for youself."

The night is getting more complicated than I have imagined.

Nagulat na lang akez nang biglang sumulpot si Rica sa harapan kez, humangos na parang hinahabol ng sampung kabayo.

"You'll never guess what's happening inside," talak niya na super hingality of culture.

"Uhmmm. May bilat na nag-o-all-the-way?"

Hinila na lang akez ni Rica pajosok sa BED at pagsighteousbelles kez sa ledge . . . . . . . suddenly the word "complicated" turned out to be a mere understatement.

JESSICA and CLAUDE were dancing together in a way that my imagination would have self-destructed by just merely thinking of it. And I don't even want to describe it, otherwise, my "what-used-to-be" dinner will be all over the keyboard.

"Siguro, that's the reason why they are so galet sa isa't isa," bulong sa 'ken ni Rica habang sabay naming pinandidirihan ang nasa-sight namen.

Witchelles kez alam ang rason ever pero isa lang ang jumosok sa jisip kez. CLAUDE IS TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING TO US.

Witchelles pa napo-postcard ang showdown ni Claude and Jessica eh na-sight kez na dumaan sa harapan kez si Prince. Witchelles siya nagpapigil. Jinisip ko muna kung may-I-follow-the-leader akez pero bumalek siya. Na-realize niyang witchelles pwedeng lumabas sa entrance so akyat siya sa second floor. I have no choice, being the uber-friendly-concerned badinggerzie that I am, follow-the-leader na akez hanggang makaabot kame sa fishbolan sa kanto ng Nakpil at Orosa.

Parang witchelles makapaniwala si Prince sa nasightchinabelles niya or rather parang ine-effort niyang burahin sa jisip niya ang mga naging eksena. Whatever it is . . . . . ngarageddy anne and andy ang beauty ng lola ko.

Witchelles ko ren learn kung anechiwa ang ibebera kez. Harsh naman siguro kung tumalak akez ng "I told you so" da' vah?

So, shuhimek na lang akez hanggang bumalek sa sariling katinuan si Prince.

Talak sa 'ken ni Prince with teary-eyes na kinekeri niyang baguhin si Claude and everything. Learn na learn niya ang background ni Claude. Ang buong life story niya. Pero, noseline daw niya na somewhere inside Claude eh isang taong mega-care din sa kanya. Or at some point slight enlababo na ren. Wai namang masama sa mangarap ever.

"I thought he'd change," naalala ko pang talak ni Prince.

*

Sabi nila na "the most permanent thing in the world is change." Lahat daw eh one way or the other eh magbabago at magbabago anuman ang mangyari. Pero sa mga naexperience at na-sight ko for the past few months, witchelles lang sa 'ken kundi pati na ren sa mga utawsingbelles sa paligid ko, I thought we were moving to another direction. I thought change is already taking place.

'Nung nakilala ko si Varsity Captain akala kez eh isusulat kez na ang bagong chapter ng lyf ever kez.

'Nung hiniwalayan ni Rica si Lucas eh akala kez na magsisimula nang mag-ingat si Rica sa mga jojowain niya.

'Nung nawala si Marco kay Claude, akala ko magkakaroon siya ng bagong point-of-view sa mga bagay-bagay.

Lahat pala yun eh commercial lang.

'Nung gabing yon sa Malate. Na-felt kez na parang we're back where we started.

Siguro nga, as worse as it gets, some things are not meant to change at all.

PUSONG MAMON, BITUKANG DRAGON

CREDITS START ROLLING OVER BLACK

STARRING

Bernadette as himself

Rica as himself

Prince as himself

Claude as not in himself

As we fade in to

SCENE 1. INT. CLAUDE'S HOUSE. DAY

We see a very minimalistic living room. A sofa set covered in thick black leather. It does not look comfortable to sit at. It appears very stiff that when you sit on it, you're butt will turn flat. An eight-foot black and white vase stands in one corner and a skinny lampshade on the other. The vast living room looks like the owner hasn't finished unpacking after moving in.

Cut to

SCENE 2. INT. CLAUDE’S HOUSE. DAY. -same-

Voices can be heard. Chinas, metal utensils and glasses complete the noise from the dining area. We move from the living room to where the noises are coming and it gets louder as we see three guys sitting around a round glass table.

CLAUDE is slouching on his chair. His legs crossed. His plate got traces of croissant. He has a clean hair cut, almost like the marines. His white polo is neatly pressed as well as his jeans. He got a very stern face. No reaction as the other two are talking. He is just playing with his goatee.

On his right is RICA, talking while eating. His croissant is nearly finished and he takes another one from a bigger plate in the center of the table. He is a little fat but not totally. He is in the middle of medium and large. His face is very animated, with eyebrows rising and lowering with the tone of his voice as well as his hands regardless of the fact that he's using them for eating.

Sitting across him is Bernardette. The croissant on his plate has barely been touched. He is the smallest among the three. His hair is messy and his shirt doesn't match his pants. He is talking to Rica but it seems that his thoughts are somewhere else.

He is not looking looking at Rica, just staring at the croissant on his plate as

BERNZ: Do you think I'm pathetic for hoping?


Rica suddenly raised an eyebrow. Obviously the question is completely out of their topic.

RICA: Hoping for what? I don't get what you mean.

BERNZ: (Still not looking at Rica) About Varsity Captain. About what happened.

Rica, suddenly knowing what the question is about, suddenly gets reenergized.

RICA: Dahleng, you are not pathetic. You're just being yourself. And you can't like blame your saril naman. You felt sorta like in love da 'vah? That's just the right thing to do or to expect.

Claude, listens, still with an expressionless face, just playing with his goatee as

CLAUDE: For me, no . . . . no . . . you are not pathetic. Let me just say, you are soooooo dumped.

BERNZ: Thank you Claude for being such a very very good and honest friend.

CLAUDE: Well, you know me friend. I only speak the truth.

BERNZ: Well, you know friend. Try lying for once, it's the world's currency.

Claude suddenly shifts and fakes a pitiful face as

CLAUDE: And, ano naman ang gusto mong sabihin ko? Uhmmmm . . . . That that guy is so out of his freaking mind for blowing you off? Or, do you want me to say na, hindi mo siya kawalan, kawalan ka niya? Or, when a door closes a window opens?

BERNZ: Enough na nga. Wag na natin siyang pag-usapan. Ayaw ko na siyang isipin.

Bernz holds the glass of water, he is about to drink when

RICA: Ateh. Yan din ang sinabi mo 'non 'nung na-learn mong he's making karir the jowa of Robin. Then you said it again 'nung he told you na he likes this certain kaklase. Hmmmm. Aminin.

Bernz is still holding the glass of water.

BERNZ: Yeah. Pero ngayon iba na. Ibang level na 'to. May JOWA na siya. At ayaw ko mang pumayag. Wala na akong magagawa.

Bernz drinks.

RICA: Sure ka na ba?

Bernz continues to drink then puts the glass down, already empty.

BERNZ: Sure na!

RICA: Final answer.

BERNZ: Uhmmmm . . . . . sure na.

CLAUDE: What if he comes running back to you, begging for love and forgiveness?

BERNZ: Then, I'll accept him. Why not naman? Gusto ko rin naman.

RICA: Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabe ko eh.

CLAUDE: That's fair, but make sure that when you meet again. Try to have SEX with him na so that you'll get even. Para at least walang bitterness.

BERNZ: So, feeling nyo may bitterness ako ngayon dahil hindi kami nag-do?

CLAUDE & RICA: Yeah.

BERNZ: Mga luka-luka!

Prince comes in from the kitchen carrying a pitcher of juice. Prince is not as uptight-looking as Claude. He looks more like nerdy with the horn-rimmed glasses on his face.

CLAUDE: (with a softer voice) Prince, we're finished na. Can you get na the plates?

PRINCE: Sure.

Prince is smiling at Claude as he gets the plate.

Claude is also smiling. The first time he smiles.

CLAUDE: Thank you.

Claude moved his hand underneath the table and touched Prince's thigh.

CLAUDE: And since you're going there. Can you get na rin the tissue?

PRINCE: Okay.

CLAUDE: Thank you.

Prince smiles at Claude again and winks as he goes back to the kitchen.

Bernz notices what happened. He puts a grin and

BERNZ: So, Claude. While I am being dumped by a guy whom I thought is my 'this is it' and Rica here is having the time of his life with his two-timer lover . . . .

RICA: Ehem.

BERNZ: Rather, second-timer lover. Anung eksena mo?

CLAUDE: Same. Work. Home. Work. Home. Fuck. Work. Home.

BERNZ: Parang may hindi ka sinasabi sa 'men?

CLAUDE: What?

BERNZ: You know, this, (fakes a girly voice) "Prince, can you do this. Thank you. Prince, can you like get that. Thank you. Prince, can you. Prince. Prince. Prince". And then, with the haplos on the side.

CLAUDE: Well, we're . . . uhmm . . . . well . . . . . uhmm . . . .

RICA: Hmmmmmmm. Walang masagot. Is he living here with you na?

CLAUDE: No. Well, yes. But not totally. Until he gets a permanent place. Remember, he just got transferred from Bohol di ba?

BERNZ: Correction. He requested for him to be transferred para lang masundan ka niya dito sa Maynila.

RICA: Oh my fucking shit!!!!

Rica suddenly stands making the chair slide back causing a noise. The two gets shockes with Rica's sudden reaction. His jaw dropped. He appears to be very disbelieving as he puts his right hand over his widely opened mouth and

RICA: Our oldest and bitchiest sister is in-love……

BERNZ: At last, na-prove ko rin sa sarili ko na tao ka rin pala katulad namen.

CLAUDE: Guys, can we not make a big deal out of this.

RICA: You're blushing.

BERNZ: How can we not make a big deal out of this? The last time that you were on a relationship was . . . . . . Rica?

RICA: Jurassic age.

BERNZ: See!!! Hindi mo naman kelangang itago sa 'men. Nahihiya ka pa.

CLAUDE: And these things are exactly the reasons why I don't want to tell you. Stop making a fuzz.

RICA: Hahahahaha! O baket ngayon parang you can't make out strong words? What happened to the Claude that we used to know that never buckles and always on the negative side.

CLAUDE: Because . . . uhmmmm

RICA: See . . . . (sings and dances) Claude and Prince . . . sitting by the tree . . . K . I . S . S . I . N . G.

CLAUDE: Tama na yan.

BERNZ: Okay.

The three go silent for a minute.

BERNZ: (to Claude) Do you have yosi?

CLAUDE: I don't smoke anymore.

Rica moved his chair closer to Claude and sits.

RICA: Since when . . . ?

Prince comes in with a napkin holder.

Rica looks at Prince as he walks towards them.

BERNZ: I guess, your answer just walked in.

RICA: Owwwwwwwww. I see.

Prince seems to be lost in the conversation as he stands close to Claude.

RICA: Prince, I would like to say congratulations. You know what is the current condition of the last person who told Claude not to smoke?

Prince is still clueless.

PRINCE: Uhmmm . . . . Hindi naman sa . . .

RICA: He's on a wheelchair.

PRINCE: Ha? Nilumpo nya? (pointing at Claude)

RICA: No naman. Uhmmmm. That day. 'Nung napika ang ateh ko. Tinalak-talakan niya the guy. As in sobrang warla. Then the guy, started cryin, didn't know what to do. Umalis dito, running away, out of his mind. Then, crosses the street then boom. He was hit by a jeep.

Prince is surprised by what he heard.

RICA: So conrgratulations. It's amazing that you can still stand in two feet. I guess our friend, really loves you then.

CLAUDE: I don't believe in love. And I am not in love.

Claude stands immediately and walks away from the dining area.

Cut to:

SCENE 3. INT. CLAUDE'S HOUSE. GARAGE

Claude is leaning on the hood of his car. Looking out the street as kids in bicycles pass.

Then we hear . . .

BERNZ: Claude, you do not have to deny yourself the fact that you are still capable of loving.

CLAUDE: I promised myself that I will not fall in love again.

Bernz goes in front of Claude. Claude moves away and opens the gate. He starts to pick dry leaves scattered in front of his house.

BERNZ: Okay so. What is Prince doing here?

CLAUDE: (Not looking at Bernz) He wants to be here. He wants to be with me. I'm just giving him what he wants.

BERNZ: But don't you feel guilty at all? I mean, we all know that this guy loves you like hell. And then, you're like this? You have to think about this.

Claude stands to face Bernz.

CLAUDE: I have already thought about it for a hundred times already, thank you. I know that there's some sort of whatever the fuck you call it, love or emotions coming from him but I told him from the beginning, and I was very clear that he should not expect those shit coming from me. And he agreed. We are in good terms, we like each other, we are getting along pretty well. But we are not lovers like what you hopeless romantics are thinking.

BERNZ: Is that possible? (beat) And by the way, we are not hopeless romantics.

CLAUDE: Possible? You're already seeing it happen.(beat) And by the way, Yes! You are hopeless romantics.

Frame freezes.

Fade to black.

2 DOWN, 1 TO GO . . . .

KARIR - kung minsan eh super jisip akez kung joket "karir" ang shorwag sa mga eksenang jowa-jowaan portion, mga eksenang kukuru-kukuruitaynes and avratheng. Ito ba ay dahil sa ang "karir" eh parang "career" na ineeffort, parang professional endeavor to succeed o nanggaling itey sa shorlitang "karera", ang ma-luz valdez eh jujuwi na lang ng luhaan?

Sa karera ng pag-ibig, anu na ang ranking naten?

Nakalimutan aver kez na ang AUGUST 5 eh isang ispesyal na araw aver - parang patis na nanggaling sa Pangasinan - birthday ng baklang Claudine. Tuloy, imbes akez ang mang-surprise ever eh akembang ang na-surprise.

Pagjuwelya kez sa balaysung ng Huwebes ng hapon eh sitting-pretty ang baklang Claude sa sala ko.

Nag-gain ng weight si bakla at witchelles matawaran ang tan aver. Tumayo si bakla - as usual, ang madugong ritwal ng besohan.

"Anu na, bakla?" chika kez na overwhelmed pa ren sa presence niya at sa presence ng isa pang pa-menchus na naka-jupostrax sa aking zebra-printed sofa.

"Bernz, it's my birthday . . . " sagot ni Claude na wala man lang ni-isang katiting na sensyales ng excitement. Tapos super sight siya sa menchus, "Prince, my bestfriend Bernard, Bernard . . Prince."

Kumaway lang sa ken si Prince, may hitsura, maputi, naka-salamen pero mukhang jutay ang height ever.

Joinlackles si Claude sa ken paatak sa kitchen at na-sight kong bring ng plenty lafang si bakla, with plenty wine.

"Bernard, what's with the smile?" shornong ni bakla habang naka-sight sa 'ken na eynimomentz eh parang papatay ng sho`o.

"Anung smile?"

"THAT smile!"

"THIS smile?!"

"Yeah! THAT smile!"

"Wala lang. Happy lang ako to see you. Bakla, antagal mong nawala."

Witchelles na-satisfied ang loka ko sa answer. Eynimomentz, baka gripohan na lang ako ni bakla sa tagiliran, kaya tumalak akez. "So? Who's Prince?" chika ko with matching sparkling eyes, "he's charming ha."

Nagbuntunghininga lang si bakla. Umupo sa isang silya sabay talak, "Nako Bernard . . . . . . Don't start with this . . . . "

"Baket?! Nahahappy lang naman ako sa yo ha. At least, di ba? Recovered ka na from what happened with Marco, sumalangit nawa . . . ."

"Well, yes! I can say na I have recuperated na but I don't think this Prince guy is . . . . . . right for me."

"Gaano na ba kayo katagal nagkikita?"

"Almost a month and a half. We met in Bohol. He works for DENR."

"So? Na-explore na ba ng environmentalist ang vigin forest ng ateh ko?"

"Yeah. And he found out na I'm not that virgin after all . . . . "

And speaking of devastated virginity, biglang nag-appear si Rica with a cake . . . .

"Hanu na ang eksena?" talak ni Rica na parang abot hanggang Alabang Town Center.

"Kanino yung guy sa sala?"

Turo akez kay Claude.

"Ayyyyy! Ang ateh ko . . . . balik na sa karera. Isa itung malaking tsek! Anyway, I brought my new lover, I know you won't mind."

"Lover?" halos sabay naming talak ni Claude.

"Lover?! Yes! As in bowa, jowastergate, pope, kachukchakan galore."

As if alam niya ang kanyang queue eh enter the dragon sa eksena ang isang pa-menthol na jugets.

"Guys, this is George. George meet Bernard and Claude!"

In fairness, panalo ang jugets. Nakasando na white, jeans, matangkad. Pasok sa banga. Nakakataas itu ng kilay.

Flyback kame sa sala, bring nang nomu and lafang. More kwentuhan. Talak si Claude ng mga escapades niya sa Boracay, Cebu and Bohol. Merong nagbago kay Claude, even though sa surface eh he is still the same old BlairBitch of this side of town, na-felt kez na deep inside eh may something different.

Paglipas ng dalawang bote ng carlo rossi at isang bote ng chilean wine eh saka kez inadmit sa sarili kez na parang lost akembang sa eksena . . . . alin . . . . alin . . . .alin ang naiba. Piliin kung alin ang . . . . naiba. . .

Sweet si George at si Rica. May mga landian portion, yakapan portion, lapchukan portion, subuan portion . . . . tipikal para sa magjowang apat na araw pa lang magkakilala. Yes! Wag kayong magulat, mamangha at magtaka. Yesterday, tomorrow and today!!!! Apat na araw palang itu!

Si Prince naman eh shohimek lang, pero kung minsan ah parang nas-sight kong mega-titeg ang menchus kay George and Rica at sabay tingen kay Claude na parang bet din nyang yapusin si Claude, pero sa tuwing ilalapit niya ang kamay niya sa kamay ni Claude eh mega iwas naman ang lola ko.

Na-wagtus na ang dalawang kahang bugarette, mejo tipsy na ang mga bakla pero learn kong nagsisimula pa lang ang eksena. Shumoyo akez at chikang ba-buysung lang akez ng subey aver. Follow the leader ang Prince - join daw siya sa 'ken.

Keri?

Keri!!!!!!!!

Dalawang kanto ang layo ng mini-stop sa balaysung. Walkathon itu. Na-jisipan kong talakan si Prince.

"Kamusta naman kayo ni Claude?"

Napatingin lang sa 'ken si Prince at napangisi with matching iling-ilingan portion.

"Ewan ko ba . . . . " talak niya.

"I know Claude more than anybody else . . . . "

"Alam mo Bernard, hindi ko nga alam kung baket sumasama pa ako sa kanya eh maski obvious namang hindi niya ako gusto."

"So, itatanong ko sa 'yo. Baket nga ba sumasama ka pa sa kanya?"

"Bernard! Gusto ko siya eh. I like him very very much. I guess that's why. Maski hindi niya ako binibigyan ng chances."

Learn kez kung truelili ba ang mga tinatalak sa ken ng mga utawsingbelles o jinijiji lang akez.

Si Prince . . . . . . . sincere ang mga words na na-hearsung kez.

"Pagpasenyahan mo muna si Claude. He's been through a lot lang . . . ."

Habang walkathon pa ren kame eh megakwento si Prince ng mga eksena nila ni Claude sa Bohol and Cebu. Feeling kez they had a good time. Nag-click sila. Learn ko ang mga eksema ni Claude, kung witchelles niya bet eh elimination round na agad.

Pagbalek naman sa balaysung eh parang may nabuong awa sa ken towards Prince. Claude is giving him a HARD time.

Ang haggard ng eksena. May tatlong veklush. Yung isa, may menchus na dead-na-dead sa kanya pero quiver lang naman siya. Yung isa naman paniguradong playtime lang ang eksena. At yung isa - desperadong magkajowa. Haggard da vah?

"I think you should give him a chance," chika ko kay Claude hang nasa rooftop kame at supergetching ng mga sinampay ever.

"Who?"

"Prince! I think bet ka niya. BET na BET! At feeling ko, bet ko rin naman siya eh."

"Why should I? I just dont want to be in a relationship right now."

"Hay nako Claude! Kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo . . . ."

Pinutol ni Claude ang statement ko, "Kung IKAW ang nasa posisyon ko . . . . pero HINDE! I know what's this all about Bernard. Hindi naman parang outfit ang pagbo-boyfriend na pag hindi bagay sa yo eh pipilitin mong suutin ng iba. Kung gusto mong magka-boyfriend, why don't you call that Varsity Captain of yours!"

Natahimek lang akez sa tinalak ni Claude. Harsh, "I can't call him. Nakalimutan na niya siguro ako."

"Eh kung ako . . . . . sinabi ko sa yo noon, 'Why don't you give Varsity Captain a chance?' Yun din naman ang isasagot mo di ba? But I didn't ask you because I know you are not up to it given the circumstances. Now, you can't just push other people to have boyfriends just because you don't have one!"

Na-hurt akez sa tinalak ni Claude pero witchelles naman akez nawarla. Truth hurts, sabi nga nila di ba? Nakakaloka. Ngayong, sobrang bet ko nang magkajowa eh wala namang opportunities. Parang nagsisisi na tuloy akez kung baket ko pa pinakawalan si Varsity Captain. Tapos, heto naman si Claude, na meron ngang umeeksena pero super quiver lang naman siya.

Nag-eenjoy pa naman akez sa buhay single ever, pero super hipocratius ang drama ko kung ichichika kez na witchelles kez bet magkajowa aver. Iba yung feeling na may kajoinlackles ka sa everything, yung mga eksenang HHWW sa Luneta, echoz. Pero yun yung point ko. Kung minsan, jujuwelya na lang akez sa balaysung, mag-isa. Alone. Thinking na siguro pag may jowastergate akez eh merong maghahatid sa aken or at least meron naghihintay sa ken. Tapos kapag shorgod at ngarageddy anne ang beauty mo dahil sa stress and avratheng eh merong yayakap sa yo, perong mag-aasikaso sa yo.

Sa karera ng pag-ibig, parang na-huhuli na ang lola 'nyo . . .

Ang "Third Sex in the City" ba eh magiging "Desperate Gay Lives" na?

**********

COMING SOON!!!!

I think I'm in LOVE with a HARAJUKU BOY!!!!

I'm just waiting for you . . . . Hahahahahah!