THE TWISTED WORLD OF JESSICA

It was Jessica's BIG DAY. Ang HOMECOMING party na ilang buwan naming pinagplanuhan eh natuloy na.

At katulad ng demands niya, "And I want it to be a small crowd. Around fifty guests . . . . tops. I want it to be purely invitational. I do not want faggots gate crashing in my party."

Nabooking namen ang Embassy, but since, it's Embassy, WEDNESDAY naganap ang party dahil witchelles keri itong gawing private ng operating nights.

It was a total party and I can say na itechiwa ang best party na na-put up kez. Well, siguro dahil glamorosa at pasosyal si Jessica eh waldas lang ng waldas ng salapi.

Ang chika niya, he wants IBIZA to happen in Manila. 'Nung una eh witchelles kez pa na-getz 'coz he pronounced it as IBITZA. Until I realized, thanks to my socially-responsible friends, na yun pala ang correct pronunciation. Shukialam ko ba kasi.

Anyway, gusto niya ng IBIZA. I gave him IBIZA. Sa additional lights pa lang eh halos dumugo na ang ilong niya sa presyo, pero go pa ren si bakla . . . . . tapos sa sounds pa . . . . . tapos sa DJs . . . . . imported pa galing sa Manila DJs Club . . . . sa design ng venue eh mejo nalulumpo na siya . . . pero biglang na-reenergize ang puta na ma-learn niyang may mga go-go boys akong na-hire.

Naloka akez sa mga guests ni Jessica. Now I know kung baket purely invitational lang ang eksena. Pero, since I have signed a confidentiality agreement . . . . . witchelles kong pedeng italak kung sinech-sinech ang na-discover kong famous personalities na badinggerzie din pala. Not only famous . . . some are even powerful or rather . . . in power . . . . hay, nangangati pa naman ang daliri ko, todo-todong scoop itu. But then, witchelles keri.

I realized na my GAYDAR is not that effective at all.

Umaapaw ang drinkaloo and the most expensive vodka in the world was served . . . I forgot the name eh . . something with a goose yata yon . . . anyway, among the "personalities" na umatak sa party eh syempre present din si Rica and Lucas, at si Claude, even though na super pinilit ko si Jessica na iinvite si Claude at finally nung pumayag na siya eh super effort naman akez na papayagin si Claude na umatak. Chika pa ni Claude na aatak siya don for me and Rica not for Jessica.

"We thought that you and Jessica are getting along fine?" talak kez habang nasa bahay kame ni Rica two hours before the party.

"We are not getting along fine and we will never get along. Ever!" talak ni Claude habang mega-feed ng mga piranha ni Rica.

"Baket naman?"

"Ask Rica."

Tinanong kez kay Rica kung anechiwa ang chismis pero witchelles bet italak ni bakla. Pero, he made this expression na parang I'm digging too deep na at parang super-exciting ang nasa ilalim. At siyempre, ang mga badinggerzie pag nafi-felt nang may ganitrix na klaseng chismax eh mas lalong kumakati at naghihilagpos ang mga mimosa factors.

Witchelles kez tinantanan si Rica hanggang witchelles itu umiispluk.

Until . . . . .

Di rin nakatiis si bakla. Kung mimosa akez eh wala nang mas mimimosa pa kay Rica.

Nagsimula ang chismis:

Magkaklase si Rica and Jessica sa Beda from high school to college. Pero witchelles sila ganon kaclose dahil ang chismis nga eh itung si Jessica eh super purita gonzales. Naka-enter lang ng Beda dahil sa scholarship. Purita daw siya as in to the poorest level as in skway . . . skwayla . . . .sKuala Lumpur ang labanan ng balaysung sa Sampaloc. Witchelles daw nakakalafuk tatlong beses isang araw at I quote: Minsan lang nasasayaran ng mantikilya ang mga labi niya, pasko pa.

Anyway, witchelles nakapost-card sa pagboboralsiva si Jessica. Until, may kinarir daw itung certain "Gerry" na kina-enlababuhan niya ng fatalle at in fairness din naman daw, sabi ni Rica, slight na-enlababo din naman si Gerry sa baklitang purita. Pero, witchelles din sila nagtagal dahil parang wrong-kangkong nga ang eksena dahil parang witchelles bet ni Gerry and his friends ang eksenang join-join sa PNP or Payak Na Pamumuhay or in short, kajirapan evur. So, nagbreak sila.

Nawarla ang baklang Jessica. Pero wai siyang nagawa. Cryola na lang daw siya sa isang sulok.

Tumbling naman daw akez sa mga eksena, baket witchelles ko itu learn, "Don’t tell me, Claude, alam mo ren 'to?"

Tumango si Claude, smiling.

"Pa'no?"

"I am one of the 'friends"

Anyway, continue si Rica sa talak. Basta raw, may na-fish si Jessica na witchelles lang malaki-laking isda pero UBER-DAKS na isda sa GAY.COM. Noong una raw eh mega-western-union ang eksena . . . . dollars and avratheng itu until hayon na nga, yung karir sa GAY.COM eh super sponsorship galore para lang maka-fly si Jessica sa istits at makapag-boralsiva at makamit ang kanyang mga pinapangarap.

Hayon na nga, nakafly si Jessica sa New York . . . . boom . . . instant Rica Paralejo si bakla. Hayun ang pangarap niyang Jackpot. Daig pa ang nagwinadol sa lotto.

Speechless akez sa chismis. Hindi ko yon kinaya for a minute ha.

Anyway, back sa party. Habang iniistima kez ang mga nagaganap eh pinipilit kez na burahin sa jisip kez ang mga tinalak nila Rica. Gaano kaya 'yon ka-true? Pero, in a way eh parang naaalala kez na haves ng "Gerry" sa listahan ng mga ginivesungan ng invitation evur.

Habang nasa bar akez at dinadasalan ang isang drinkaloo na nanggaleng yata sa impyerno dahil halos lahat yata ng alkohol sa mundo eh hinalo sa isang shot glass eh umenter sa eksena si Claude na may kajoint-forces na menthol. Ginetching niya ang drinkaloo kez at ninomo ng walang kaeffort-effort. Powerful, sabay talak, "Bernz, I never thought I'm going to meet someone here that I know. I’d like to introduce you to my old friend GERRY!!!!"

Muntik nang mag-collapse ang mundo kez at parang jumijikot-jikot ang paningin kez na parang tsubibo at sabay enter ng heavy frankenstein music . . . .

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!! JAN!!!!!! JAN!!!! JAN!!!! JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!

"Claude, you're not planning to ruin my party, are you?", pabulong kong tanong kay Claude.

"Friend, this is not your party."

"I know, it's Jessica's and I represent him!"

"Relax, Gerry was invited. You know how the song goes friend, First love never dies."

Tapos, eh biglang isquierda naman sila palayo sa 'ken.

In fairness, natarantella akez ng fatalle. Hinanap kez agad si Rica at nasighteous ko siyang nakikipaglampuchingan na naman sa jowa niya. Tinalak kez ang na-sight kez at super nerbiyus akez na eynimomentz eh gumawa ng eksena si Claude knowing kung gano siya kawarla kay Jessica. Pero, witchelles naman nag-react ng harsh si Rica. Paranoid lang daw akey hey hey hey.

Hey hey hey hey hey talaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my party. This is my project. Friendiva kez si Claude pero di ko hahayaang sirain niya ang avratheng. Witchelles kong hahayaang masira ang trabaho kez dahil lang sa pagmamagandahan ng dalawang bakla.

May-I-search naman akez for Jessica. Na-sight ko siyang katalakan ang iba niyang friends at si . . . Miki!

Super closeness to death sila ha. At inontroduce talaga ni Jessica si Miki as his 'date'.

Define kape. Anyway, deadma naman si Miki. Jinisip ko na lang na its in the culture. He's a European. In Europe, it is not weird when a guy sleeps with another guy. Oooooooh! Suddenly, I wanna go to Amsterdam. Echoz!

Deadma.

Nag-excuse akez at kinorner si Jessica para magkausap kami in private.

"I just wanted you to know that Gerry's here," talak ko agad with matching nerbiyus tone.

"Gerry?"

"Gerry."

"Ah. Gerry!!!!! Yeah. He's here. I invited him"

"Yeah. I know. And you know, I invited Claude. And they're here, together."

"So?"

"Wala lang. I just think that you should know."

Biglang napa-isip si Jessica. Shet! Witchelles ko bet ang eksenang tumatahimek at biglang nag-iisep si Jessica kasi most of the time eh witchelles naman talaga siya nag-iisep.

After a couple of seconds, "I guess you already know my love story," at laftir si bakla. "He's totally out of my life. I have already put everything that concerns him behind me now. I just wanted us to be very good friends."

At shumilikod siya at bumalek sa crowd niya. Sa una, na-felt ko ang sincerity sa mga salita ni bakla, but then, it's too sincere. It was so very unlike Jessica.

Anyway, hayon, nakiparty na lang din akez even though wai akez masyadong kilala sa mga utawsingbelles doonchie aside from my friends, well, marami akong kilala evur pero ang tanong: kilala ba nila akey hey hey hey hey!!!!!!

Tumuntong na si Jessica sa isang ledge hawak ang isang mic, time na for his speech. Sa ledge, nang tinamaan siya ng lights galore eh fabulous pa ren ang bakla even though slight ngenge-bonell na siya. Kelangan pa siyang tulungan ng dalawang go-go boys para maka-climb evur. Pero, in fairnezzzzz, dazzling pa ren and fabulous in his black Armani top . . pati siguro ang jeans niya eh Armani . . . sleak Italian ang drama ng outfit niya.

Nagpasalamat siya sa mga umatak doonchinabelles, sa mga 'friends' niya. Napatingin uli akez sa mga utawsingbelles, I doubt na truelili na mga friendiva nga ang mga utaw na yonchie. Malamang karamihan doonchie eh na-meet lang niya for the past two months, during his stay here. Yung iba naman eh nakadookit lang niya. Pero lahat naman siletch eh clap galore at happy, witchelles sa sense na truksiva nilang friendiva si Jessica but then, siguro, sa sense na na-invite sila sa isang exclusive party with exclusive people, with free booze and drinks, hosted by a Pinoy-future -designer based in New York.

Ganon lang naman talaga lagi ang eksena, be friends with the right people, whether you like it or not then boom . . . . . you suddenly see yourself one notch higher in the social niche.

Pa'no kaya pag na-learn nila ang totoong background ni Jessica, kung truelili man ang mga chismis? Andito pa kaya sila? Pa’no kaya pag nalearn nilang galing siya sa pusali at dahil lang sa isang jackpot na affam na plenty ang andalucia eh kaya siya nakapag-boralsiva sa Parsons?

Bumalek na lang akez sa ulirat nang masense kong gumagalaw-galaw ang follow-spot . . . .

"There he is," talak ni Jessica sa mic habang mega point.

Sinundan ng tingin kez ang daliri ni Jessica at kasabay ng pagbagsak ng ilaw eh na-learn kez kung sinetchie ang tinutukoy niya . . . . .

"Guys, I want you all to meet Gerry . . . . . . Take a good look at that face."

Witchelles learn ni Gerry kung aniklavu ang gagawen niya 'nung nakasighteous ang lahat ng utawsingbelles sa kanya with the lights and everything. Pangiti-ngiti na lang siya na parang kyotabelles na nahuling najipet ang kamay sa cookie jar.

"He is my first love . . . . . . . "

Nagtilian naman ang mga utaw . . . . clap galore another . . . . . akez naman eh parang eynimomentz eh majijihi na akez sa pants kez.

"But we never got the chance to stay together for a long time . . . . . . "

Sa bawat spluk na binibitawan ni Jessica eh para akong kandilang unti-unting nauupos.

"You know why?"

I know why. At witchelles na nila bet malaman.

"You know why?"

Warla mode na si bakla, pati ang mga utawsingbelles eh mejo nanenega na sa eksena. Tahimek na ang lahat . . . .

"Why?" talak ng isang utaw sa may dulo . . . . shet! Si Claude.

Bet ko nang sumigaw ng "pack-up! Pack-up! Tapos na ang shooting." But then, witchelles itu shooting.

"Because he is a god damned moron who doesn't know how to think for himself," matatalim ang bawat salita na yon. Pati akez eh nasusugatan. Pano pa kaya si Gerry?

Pag-sight kez sa kanya eh shumorlikod na siya at umisquierda pababa at palabas ng venue.

"See? He can't even stand up for himself. Gentlemen, learn something from this. Do not ever trust a person like him. Thank you and that's all. Party on!!!!"

Nag-blast ang music at back to party mood ang everybody na parang walang nangyari.

Sinalubong ko naman si Jessica, "Ano yon?"

"Bernz, dear, since I assume that you already know my story, you should've guessed right now what is this party all about."

Ikmyle lang si Jessica at jiniwan na akez. After five minutes eh jiniwan na ren niya ang party.

Tumagal pa halos ng dalawang oras ang party. Witchelles man nila na-felt na wai na ang presensiya ng hostess pero go pa ren ng go. After ng party eh sabay na kaming jumuwelya ni Claude. Si Rica eh jumoint na sa jowaers niya. Windang evur pa ren akez sa mga nangyari.

"I couldn't believe na Jessica would spend that much, the effort and the money just to humiliate that poor guy."

Napangiti lang si Claude, "Who can blame him?"

Bago pa kame makalabas ng The Fort eh na-felt kong nag-vibrate ang phonil kez.

Miki calling . . . . .

Anechiwa naman kaya ang eksena nitu? Nag-OPM kaya si Jessica at witchelles na-paysung ang fees niya.

Pagsagot kez sa telepono eh wai akong maintindihan. A Norwegian guy na witchelles maka-ispluk ng diretsong inglet at this time with matching stuttering on the loose, define HALLLLLER. Pinaulit kez sa kanya nang pinaulit ang sinasabe niya dahil witchelles ko nga maintindihan. Chika kez na huminga muna siya ng malalim then talk . . . . .

Tumahimek siya for a while . . .

Tapos tumalak:

"Jessica slashed his wrist."

SUGAR FOR MY HONEY

Napapansin kez evur na ilang araw na ring late na jumujuwelya sa balaysung ang magaling kong shofatembang, nauuna pa akez sa kanya at kung minsan naman evur eh witchelles siya naboborlog sa 'men. Bisi-bisihan raw sa school, thesis and avratheng.

Naalala kez ang mga momentz kez na ganitembang 'nung kadalagahan kez. Isa lang ang ibig sabihen nitu:

"May boyfriend ka ba?"

Harsh man kung harsh at ilang beses kez jinisip-jisip kung ishoshornong kez ba talaga yonchienabelles sa bruderette/sisterrete kez, pero there's only one way of knowing.

"Wala," sagot naman niya. Pero galing sa ilong. Lafang galore lang ng bacon and eggs na pinrepare kez for breakfast. Once in a blue moon lang akez mag-prepare ng breakfast but since meron akez na gustong malaman eh I need to make some sacrifices.

"Alam mo, wag na tayo maglokohan Nick. Dumaan na ren ako sa ganyan," shet! I sounded like my mom.

"Kuya, ano ba? Para kang si Nanay." Magkapatid nga kame.

"Late kang umuuwi, minsan hindi ka pa dito natutulog. At paano mo ieexplain yung mga bagong gamit mo? Parang ang laki ng kinikita mo sa pag-aaral ah."

Deadma lang si Nick. Parang waing narineg evur. Shumuyo siya at nilagay ang mga pinggan sa lababo. Keri ko namang aminin na witchelles talaga kami vocal sa isa't isa, I mean it runs in the family, ang mudra lang namen ang pinakavocal, pero kame, deadma. Habang lumalaki kameng dalawa ni Nick eh bihira kaming mag-usap tungkol sa mga buhay-buhay namen na tipong naikukwento mo sa mga friendiva mo and avratheng. Pero siguro dati yon, 'nung akala kez na straight ang burdra kez. But then as of that moment eh mega-concern lang talaga akez. Nick is gay and so am I, I might as well play the role of a good GAY BIG BROTHER.

Witchelles ko siya tinantanan hanggang sa kuwarto niya para lang umispluk siya ng truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help us god.

Hanggang sa nairita na siya at chikang, "Okay. Sige na nga. Meron akong lover. Masaya ka na?"

Sasarduhan sana niya akez ng shintuan pero napigilan kez at jumosok akez sa kuwartobelles niya.

"Good. Okay lang naman na magboyfriend ka and . . . "

Pinutol ni Nick ang speech kez, "Kuya, ano sa palagay mo ang ginagawa mo? Nakakapangilabot. Hindi ako sanay."

"Well, dapat masanay ka na. Alam mo sa normal na mundo, ganito ang ginagawa ng mga magkapatid." Alam ko, pati naman akez eh nangingilabot din sa pinagsasasabi ko. Pero, meron akong responsibilidad sa shofatembang kez at because of my recent heartaches, wala akez mapagtuunan ng pansin kaya najisipan kong I-rekindle ang lost relationship nameng magshofatembang bang bang klang klang klang.

Nakatingin lang sa 'ken si Nick na parang witchelles naniniwala sa mga nangyayari ever. Normal gays would roll their eyeballs and scream to the top of their lungs sa mga ganitong eksena, happy pa naman akez at witchelles pa nadedevelop ang flaming gay powers ng shofated kez. In fairness, since the time na na-learn kez na badinggerzie din siya eh wai namang nagbago sa kanya, sa kilos, sa salita, sa gawa.

Wai din siyang nagawa, "Okay, kuya . . . este Ate . . . anung gusto mong malaman?"

Umupo na lang si Nick sa kama niya. Ginetching ko naman ang isang chair at umupo sa tapat niya.

I'm trying my best para pekein ang pagiging excited kez sa mga nagaganap evur.

"Well, sweet ba siya? Gano na kayo katagal? Saan kayo nagkakilala? Anong name niya? San siya nakatira? Ilang taon na siya?"

"Alen 'don ang gusto mong sagutin ko una?"

"Kahit ano."

Iniisa-isa ni Nick ang mga detalye. Ang namesung eh Paulo. Working as a computer programmer. Nagkakilala sila sa jinternet. Nag-eyeball sila. Nagka-enlababuhan. They've been going out for a month. Sweet daw, generous and he's 32 years old.

Tarush ng shofatembang kez da 'vah. Powerful. Marunong maghanap ng perfect jowaers . . .

TEKA. TEKA. TEKA . . . . . . . . .

Biglang napashoyo akez sa kinajujupuan kez evur.

"Are you out of your freaking mind?"

Tameme lang si Nick.

"THIRTY-TWO YEARS OLD!!!!!!!"

Parang wala lang kay Nick. Samantalang sa sobrang pagkalukresia kasilag kez eh keri ko nang magpatali sa likod ng isang smoke-belching ordinary bus at magpakaladkad all the way to Malinta.

Witchelles niya magetching ang point. Tinanong pa niya kung what's wrong with it?

Katulad ng chinika kez kanina, normal gays would roll their eyeballs and scream to the top of their lungs sa mga ganitong eksena . . . . exactly, yun ang ginawa ko.

"Nineteen ka. Thirty-two siya. He's 15 years older than you."

"Actually, 13."

"Okay 13!"

"So?"

"So?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Okay ka lang?"

"Ako. Okay. Ikaw, mukhang di ka okay."

"Siyempre."

"Kuya, kaya simula pa lang, ayaw ko nang pag-usapan to. Dahil alam ko na ganyan ang magiging reaksyon mo. Pero wala akong pakealam, okay?"

Ginetching niya ang mga gamit niya at umisquierda. Iniwan akez na windang to the maximum level.

I created a monster.

I need EEEEEEEEEEEDVIL.

*

Habang mega buysung ng moraytang fruits and vegies sa Market Market.

BERNZ: I think merong sugar daddy ang kapatid ko.

CLAUDE: (super laftir) So? What makes you so enraged? Aminin mo, once in your gay life, nagka-sugar-daddy ka din naman. Aminin mo? We all had one. It's a part of the gay life cycle so that we will grow as a matured, well-respected and dignified faggots. A sugar daddy gives you money, gives you love, gives you everything, teaches you everything that you need to know, on and off bed. I can remember mine, I was 16 and he was . . . . 45? Yeah, 45. So, kuya, be happy for your brother. Damn! You should even be proud of him! At least at 19 . . . . . not too late.

*

Habang pawisang-pawisan sa ibabaw ng treadmill ng Slimmer's World Pasay Road.

BERNZ: I think merong sugar daddy ang kapatid ko.

RICA: Gaano naman ito ka-rich? Hmmmmmmm. Kung you're going to ask me. Wag kang ma-concern. Let your brother experience life to the gayest. Look at the bright side, meron kang brother-in-law, who's older than you and richer than you, ano pa ang hahanapin mo. At least meron ka nang ka-share sa mga gastusin. And besides, malay mo, you'll learn something from it and you can apply it once you become a sugar daddy yourself.

*

Habang coffee break at ina-abu-sayaf ang office phone.

BERNZ: I think merong sugar daddy ang kapatid ko.

FRANCHESKA: Siya ren meron?!

*

Habang namimili ng bagong ilong . . .

BERNZ: I think merong sugar daddy ang kapatid ko.

JESSICA: I never knew that you had a sister. Do you think this is a better nose compared to that one over there?

*

I think from this moment on, I'll have a strict diet. No carbs, no fats and especially no SUGAR!!!!!

AS WORSE AS IT GETS

"I can't believe that actually happened," bakas sa fezlack ni Claude ang shock as if na super shocker talaga ang chinika kez.

"Why naman? Kahit papaano may asim pa rin naman ako," talak ko naman habang mega-sight sa dalawang cutie na menchus na naglalampuchingan sa likuran niya.

"Hindi yun yon eh. Number 1, you did it in a moving bus and number 2, you let some guy suck you off instead of you doing it," learn kong witchelles din sa 'ken naka-sight si Claude. Meron siyang pinagtutuunan ng pansin somewhere out there.

"Oh well, I couldn't help it. It was just a spur of the moment. And besides, he was the one who pulled out my junjun and went down. Anyway, it felt good. You should know it." At that moment eh bet kong ma-learn kung anik ang goodness na mafi-felt kez kung mate-taste-test kez kahit sinuman sa dalawang pamenthol.

"Yeah, I know 'coz I'm a top and the last time I've checked, you were a bottom."

"So? No one's perfect and besides according to my research, tops and bottoms are only labels used when fucking is involved, now when there is none, it is non-existent. So, I'm still a bottom," at kung TOP man silang dalawa, I wouldn't mind being a bottom forever.

"Speaking of bottoms . . . . . "

Umabot na sa fatalistic ang level ng pang-aaura ni Claude. Napasighteous naman akez sa the chosen one. 6'2. Shaved ang hair. Matangos ang ilong. Mapanga. Good body and good butt, I might add, na halos humihilagpos sa tight-fitting uber-low rise jeans. Blue eyes. Claude's typical bottom.

And then, super-ikmyle akez sa kanya.

Nang ma-spottan niya ang beauty kez eh mega-ikmyle din siya.

Biglang humarap sa 'ken si Claude sabay irap at lipsynch ng salitang "BITCH".

"Andrew!!!!!" talak ko habang papalapet ang menchus.

"Hoi. Sorry Ai wus layt," talak naman ni Andrew with a heavy Aussie accent.

"Nonsense. You're fashionable."

Parang biglang sinilihan naman ang juwetrax ni Claude at nag-ubo-ubuhan.

"Andrew, by the way, this is my friend, Claude. Claude, my director for Barney's, Andrew."

"Nice to meet you. It's so nice to see new faces," chika ni Claude habang mega-shake hands with matching pisil-pisil on the loose.

"Saym hir, mayt."

Sa kabila nang malalamig na ihip ng hangin dahil heto na ang Disyembre eh isang super-jinit na gabe na naman 'yon. Last weekend na yonchie ng aking mga Aussie counterparts sa isang show ng isang baklang dinosaur na super-kinababaliwan ng mga kyotabelles. Kaya, nag-decide akez na hainan ng native na putahe ang mga forayners. Baka naman kasi ichika nilang walang kahospi-hospitality ang mga Pinoy . . . . especially mga baklang Pinoy.

At kung laman at laman din naman ang pag-uusapan eh saanchinabelles ka pa makakasighteous ng mas plentibelles na lamang nakahain na, tuturo ka lang at papak na, kundi sa . . . . jajajajanjaraaaan . . . . . . MALARS!!!!

Super nomu muna kame sa Komiks habang nagpapatama at mega-cruising sa mga baklita at pamhintang dumadaan, lumalabas at pumapasok ng BED. In fairnes, ang tagal ko rin naging absent sa ganitong ruta at sa bawat atak kez sa lugar na itechiwa eh more and more kez na nafi-felt na tuma-thundercats na akez or . . . .

"They're getting younger and younger by the week," chika ni Claude sa 'ken at kay Andrew.

Iba talaga si Claude. Witchelles man lang niyang naisip na thundercats na kame.

Super-chikahan lang si Claude at si Andrew. Sa truelili lang eh witchelles ko masyadong felt makipagchikahan kay Andrew, witchelles naman dahil chaka siya or anything ha, super hottest nga siya eh but then, most of the time, eh witchelles ko naiintindihan yung chinichika niya with that HEYVIE UKSENT. Kung minsan nga eh yeys na lang akez ng yeys or kaya laftir na lang ang sagot kez even though witchelles ko talaga learn kung nag-j-joke ba ang pamhinchus or not.

Matapos ang tigatlong bote ng berangju eh direcho na kami pajosok sa newly-renovated BED. It's my first time at pag-enter kez eh nalowka naman daw akez. It’s fucking HUGE. Pero still, it is as crowded as ever.

Direcho akez sa bar to get some drinks at jiniwan ko muna si Claude and Andrew sa may gitna ng dancefloor staring at some guys sa mga ledge. When I got back, both of them are oggling at this topless guy . . . . in fairness, panalo ang abs. Ginivesung kez ang beer ni Andrew and Claude.

"Hiz byutifow," sigaw ni Andrew sa 'ken pero witchelles ko na-understand ever.

"Sorry . . . "

"Uy sayd, hiz byutifow," chika niya anuder.

"Oh yes. It's huge," akala kez naman yung chinika niya eh happy sa BED, yun pala.

"Uy wus refereng tow the gooy . . . . "

"Ahhh. Yeah," yung menchus pala . . . . . . "Anyway, I can still say that it's HUGE."

Pinagmasdan ko na ren tuloy ang topless na menchus sa ibabaw ng ledge, pawisan at parang napoposess.

Chika ni Claude na mukha daw pamilyar yung menchus na yonchienabelles.

Witchelles naman akez naloka. Chika ko sa kanya, halos lahat naman ng utawsingbelles doonchienabelles eh pamilyar sa kanya, dahil once upon a time eh halos everybody eh naka-dookit na niya.

Pero, according to Claude, not that guy.

So, super-wonderwoman naman akez. In fairnezz, super family nga until . . . . .

"VICKY!!!!!!", may umorwag doonchi sa mega-dance na menchus at ginivesungan ng drinkaloo.

Oh my fucking gawd . . . . . .

It's (itago natin siya sa pangalang) VICKY WET.

Tumbling si Claude 'nung chinika ko sa kanya.

"I never thought that he was gay."

So did I.

Chinika ko naman kay Andrew ang latest chismis na that guy that he's looking at eh isa sa mga top local models.

Anyway, dance galore lang kame hanggang napagod si Vicky at bumaba sa ledge. Dumaan siya sa harapan namen at tinapik ko ang mamasa-masa niyang balikat.

"Vicky!"

Humarap siya sa 'ken. Witchelles nag-spluk. Nagpakilala naman akez agad. Baka naman jisipin niya na kinakarera ko siya.

"Bernard. Remember?"

Clueless pa ren siya.

"From MTV, you know?"

Witchelles ko sure kung naalala ba niya talaga akez or super-pretend na lang siya nang maka-isquierda na.

Anyway, talak agad akez, "I never thought you are . . . ."

"Gay?"

"Yeah. It's so . . ."

"I'm not."

At isquierda na siya completely.

"He's such an asshole," talak ko kay Claude.

"He has a right to turn you down, you know. It's so unfair to call him an asshole."

"Haller. Hindi ko siya kinarir ha. Can you believe it? He's here. Dancing his guts out. God knows how much *toooooot* paid him to take his clothes off for that commercial and that billboard in EDSA. But he’s here, dancing topless. And mind you, sabi niya, he's not gay."

"What's new, Bernz?"

Deadma na nga. Wala naman akong ma-aachieve kung bading nga man talaga or not si Vicky Wet. Pero sana naman, he could admit it. I mean he's a good model, I mean, a good-looking model and he's one of the highest paid. Oh . . . . I guess that’s the reason why.

Okay. He's not gay.

Super dance si Andrew and si Claude at dahil para akong dwende sa dalawang nagtatangkarang mga badinggerzie eh umisquierda muna akez para ma-experience naman ang kadakilaan ng BED.

Witchelles ko sure kung anechiwa ang hinahanap kez, pero sight pa ren akez ng sight.

One guy looked at me, nasa isang sulok lang siya alone. Ohhhh. Too young.

Then, haves na naman ng another na nakipagkiskisan sa 'ken. Too old.

Somebody, danced with me. Too flamboyant.

Then, a fourth guy came up to me, and whispered something in my ear. That something, witchelles ko na betsiva na ibera pa ditemch. Nakakatiwang. Too horny.

While I'm there, standing, staring at a pool of assorted guys representing every color of the rainbow. Parang feeling kez, eh I'm back to my old self. Naka-prey mode na naman akez. Pero ang tanong ng bayan, "Ano nga ba talaga ang hinahanap ko?"

"Are you looking for me?" biglang entrada nang bulong na iyon mula sa likod ko. Malalim ang boses, soooo manly. Tumayo pa lahat ng balahibo sa katawan ko with matching kilig-kilig.

At pagharap ko . . . .

"SHIT KA! RICA!" muntik ko nang mahulog ang botelya ng berangjung hawak-hawak ko.

"Why? Are you expecting someone else?", talak ni Rica habang laftir to death.

I just made a face at napansin kez na kajoint-forces ng baklang Rica si Lucas. Binati ko si Lucas. Akala kez na witchelles na aatak ang bakla since forty-years na waiting-in-vain kame sa Komiks. Talak naman ni Rica, sinamahan lang daw kasi niya si Lucas. Nag-dinner daw sila with Lucas' family. Fabulous naman ng eksena, may-I-meet-the-parents na ang labanan. Laftir lang si Rica sa idea pero learn kong deep inside eh parang kinukurot ang tinggil ni bakla sa kilig.

Ipapakilala ko sana si Rica and Lucas kay Andrew but then, pag-atak naman sa pwesto eh si Claude lang ang andon. Witchelles din naman nya learn kung saanchinabelles umataksiva ang affam. Na-concern naman daw akez bigla but then talak ni Claude, malake na si Andrew, kung nakarating nga siya Pilipinas ng buo, malamang makakalabas siya ng BED ng buo at satisfied.

"Hello faggots!!!"

Nawindang naman daw kaming lahat sa bati ng isang pamilyar na boses.

Si Jessica.

He was definitely in a BED attire. And BED attire is almost no attire at all. Minus the Italian shirts, designer jeans and killer shoes, Jessica is definitely a hottie in his "pambahay" maong (as he calls it, which is still a vintage Levi's) and his "pangarag" rubber shoes.

Nagbatian si Rica and Jessica at super introduce ang jowa at nag-smearan lang sila ni Claude. This is definitely a Battle of the Bitches.

For the past few weeks eh naririndi na ang tenga kez sa kabilaang atake nila sa isa't isa:

"Money can buy anything," press release ni Jessica one time na super laklak kame ng kape sa Seattle's Best sa Greenbelt.

*

"Sabihen mo sa kanya, kung hindi pa siya nakatuntong ng New York eh hindi niya malalaman ang depinisyon ng salitang kultura", umaatikabong batikos naman ni Claude patungkol kay ilong ranger habang super nomu ng raspberry frap sa Starbucks, G4.

*

"Bernz, I want him," chika ni Jessica habang iniistima ang paglatok niya ng Vodka Sprite minsang nasa Manila DJs Club kame.

Isang Motorolla event ang nagaganap 'non.

The whole night eh parang sinisilihan ang juwet ni Jessica sa tuwing nasa-sight si Miki . . . . yung fly-in model from Norway.

Feeling ko naman super bugaw akez that night. E di chinika kez ang modil na di man lang maka-ispluk ng diretsong ingles. Anyway, kung masa-sight nyo siya eh super biao naman kasi talaga ever . . . . ang fezlack niya eh parang sadyang inukit ng mga bathala para luhuran at sambahin ng mg bakla. No wonder at sobrang watir-watir na si Jessica . . . feeling ko eh bahang-baha na ang imaginary bahay bata ni puta.

Finally, eh na-introduce ko ren ang Norweigan guy sa isang "feeling" New Yorker.

Ending eh the whole night eh super binakuranan na ni Jessica si Miki at por dios, por santo, santisima trinidad ang de-putang menchus naman eh super enjoy to the maximum level sa company ni Jessica.

Aba! Aba! Aba!

So, nakahaves ng instant date si Jessica. Modil pa!

"Sabihen mo sa Claude na yan. Wag nyang kuwestyunin ang Powers ko!!! Lumuhod kamo siya sa harapan ko at halikan ang mga paa ko."

*

The next day, may booking si Claude. Actually isa yun sa mga clients niya, na-impress sa kanya. Na-betan siya at nagdate sila. Well, nag-dookit-date. Nagchaperon ako sa date . . . pero hanggang dun lang . . . . sa dookit nega na.

"Sabihen mo kanya (Jessica) kumain kamo siya ng bubog . . . . tsaka sabihen mo ren na paminsan-minsan naman eh gumamit siya ng foundation that actually matches his skin . . . "

*

"I define glamour!" talak ni Jessica habang sinusukat ang bagong D&G na shirt.

*

"He may wrap his body with expensive cothes . . . Nobody fucking cares. Because when he takes off all those shit . . . mas mukha pa ren siyang ikwater sa 'ken."

*

"He's just envious of me. He's an intellectual bastard who's stuck at the bottom of the corporate ladder."

*

"Hoy! Hindi ko kamo kina-iinggitan ang pera niya. Yung mga lalake niya, kung hindi pa niya papakitaan ng makapal na wallet, e hindi naman siya papansinin. And tell him ha, I'm not in the bottom of the corporate ladder, I have an office with a view and a secretary."

*

Hanggang sa napagod na kong maging talking telegram.

*

Back to BED.

Nakidance na ren sa 'men si Jessica, though plenty pa ren ang umaaligid-aligid sa kanya at pinipilita corales siyang ilayo para masolo. I'm sure, he's enjoying every bit of attention that he's getting.

"I never thought that they allow bitches here," bulong ni Claude sa 'ken habang pinagmamasdan naming sina-sandwich si Jessica ng dalawang hottie na guys.

Sabat naman si Rica, "If they're not, then you should've not gained entry."

"Okay. Ipagtanggol mo ang FRIEND mo."

"When did you start taking offense, Claude. That Prince guy is really making you into something."

Wa na lang kuda si Claude sa mga talak ni Rica. Pero felt na felt kez na napipika na si bakla. In fairness, truelili naman ng slight ang chinichika ni Rica. For the past few weeks eh we noticed a lot of changes kay Claude rather he's changing into his old self. He started to go out. He started f*cking again.

Is this really happening?

Until . . . . . . . .

Ginetching ni Claude ang yosi kez, nagshonggal ng t-shirt at humiwalay sa 'men, wala pang ilang segundo eh para na siyang leche flan na pinuputakti ng mga langgam. THE BITCH IS BACK.

*

The thumpa-thumpa was getting harder and wilder. I'm on my third beer. Still, wala pa ring makarir.

Sa bandang kaliwa ko eh basang-basa na si Claude super dance pa ren. First time ko siyang nasightchinabelles na ganitech since namayapa ang ex-jowa niya.

Sa bandang kanan ko naman eh si Jessica, na parang dyos-dyosan na bumaba sa Olympus na sinasamba ng mga kapamintollahan.

At sa tabi ko eh si Rica at si Lucas na parang nasa JS Prom.

At akez ang dakilang observer with no one but me and myself.

Nakakapagoda tragedy din pala ang mangusyoso kaya umisquierda na muna akez to get some breath of fresh air.

Pagtuntong kez sa second floor eh shinorwag akez ni Andrew. Nasa bar siya, super drinkaloo with . . . . . .

VICKY WET.

Tumbling na naman akez.

Inontroduce akez ni Andrew kay VICKY as his closest friend in Manila and lo and behold ang de-putang Viky wet eh suddenly naging super friendly sa 'ken at naalala akez bigla na somebody he worked with sa isang event.

Sobrang kaplastikan ang na-felt kez na parang may naaamoy akong sunog na gulong kaya nag-excuse din akez at lumabas.

Umupo uli akez sa Komiks at umorder ng another berangju. Mas happy siguro kung lunurin kez na lang ang sarili kez sa alkohol ever nang mamanhid ang lahat ng parte ng katawan kez.

"Bernz!!!"

May tumawag saketchiwa. Akala ko naman kung sino na. Si Prince lang pala.

Si PRINCE!!!!!!

Super askaloo siya saketchiwa kung kajoint-forces kez ba si Claude. But of course, pero ang malaking tanong eh anechiwa naman ang ginagawa niya 'don.

Witchelles daw inaanswer ni Claude ang mga text niya pati na ren ang mga call ever.

But of course (another), super bisi-bisihan kaya siya sa loob.

Pinaupo ko muna si Prince at chinika ko na magberangju muna siya.

"I'm just worried," chika ni Prince. Obvious naman sa hitsura niya. Parang isa siyang desperate housewife sa Wysteria Lane.

Chika ko naman na witchelles niyang kelangang mag-worry. Si Claude 'yon. Maski patirahin mo siya sa Basilan ng isang buwan eh makakasurvive at makakasurvive si bakla.

Hanggang sa nagkaroon akez ng guts na itanong kung MAHAL ba niya talaga si Claude.

Talak niya, "Would I be here if I don't?"

Sabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I guess, he really is in-love. Pero ang tanong ng bayan, MAHAL kaya siya ni Claude?

"I hope na wala kang masyadong expectations kay Claude. Alam ko, you are a good person. At hindi ako nagda-doubt na you really love him. That's why, mahirap na pag nasaktan ka. Claude and I were friends since god knows when. Sobrang nice niya, though maraming hindi mag-aagree, pero when it comes to emotional things. Marami ka pang dapat kelangang ma-discover."

Walang reaksyon si Prince. Na-realize kez na parang harshness ang chuva kez. Pero better na siguro kung ma-learn niya talaga ang eksena para witchelles naman masyadong hopelessly-devoted-to-you ang drama niya.

Katulad nang nabanggit ko, for the past few months, eh nawala sa sarili si Claude dahil sa series of unfortunate circumstances. But as of the moment, nasi-sense ko na he is coming back to life. In a way, malaking factor ang pagsulpot ni Prince sa life ni Claude. Siguro, he pulled Claude back to reality and once again, na-feel ni Claude na wanted pa pala siya, na after the tragedy he experienced with his most recent lover (sumalangit nawa), eh keri pa pala siyang mabuhay. Para siyang nabuhay uli, doing the things he used to do and enjoying it to the fullest and that means not settling into a serious relationship. ENJOYMENT para kay Claude is "something that does not involve the word relationship."

Bigla na lang tumayo si Prince at jumosok sa BED.

Sa loob-loob ko naman, "Okay!!!! See for youself."

The night is getting more complicated than I have imagined.

Nagulat na lang akez nang biglang sumulpot si Rica sa harapan kez, humangos na parang hinahabol ng sampung kabayo.

"You'll never guess what's happening inside," talak niya na super hingality of culture.

"Uhmmm. May bilat na nag-o-all-the-way?"

Hinila na lang akez ni Rica pajosok sa BED at pagsighteousbelles kez sa ledge . . . . . . . suddenly the word "complicated" turned out to be a mere understatement.

JESSICA and CLAUDE were dancing together in a way that my imagination would have self-destructed by just merely thinking of it. And I don't even want to describe it, otherwise, my "what-used-to-be" dinner will be all over the keyboard.

"Siguro, that's the reason why they are so galet sa isa't isa," bulong sa 'ken ni Rica habang sabay naming pinandidirihan ang nasa-sight namen.

Witchelles kez alam ang rason ever pero isa lang ang jumosok sa jisip kez. CLAUDE IS TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING TO US.

Witchelles pa napo-postcard ang showdown ni Claude and Jessica eh na-sight kez na dumaan sa harapan kez si Prince. Witchelles siya nagpapigil. Jinisip ko muna kung may-I-follow-the-leader akez pero bumalek siya. Na-realize niyang witchelles pwedeng lumabas sa entrance so akyat siya sa second floor. I have no choice, being the uber-friendly-concerned badinggerzie that I am, follow-the-leader na akez hanggang makaabot kame sa fishbolan sa kanto ng Nakpil at Orosa.

Parang witchelles makapaniwala si Prince sa nasightchinabelles niya or rather parang ine-effort niyang burahin sa jisip niya ang mga naging eksena. Whatever it is . . . . . ngarageddy anne and andy ang beauty ng lola ko.

Witchelles ko ren learn kung anechiwa ang ibebera kez. Harsh naman siguro kung tumalak akez ng "I told you so" da' vah?

So, shuhimek na lang akez hanggang bumalek sa sariling katinuan si Prince.

Talak sa 'ken ni Prince with teary-eyes na kinekeri niyang baguhin si Claude and everything. Learn na learn niya ang background ni Claude. Ang buong life story niya. Pero, noseline daw niya na somewhere inside Claude eh isang taong mega-care din sa kanya. Or at some point slight enlababo na ren. Wai namang masama sa mangarap ever.

"I thought he'd change," naalala ko pang talak ni Prince.

*

Sabi nila na "the most permanent thing in the world is change." Lahat daw eh one way or the other eh magbabago at magbabago anuman ang mangyari. Pero sa mga naexperience at na-sight ko for the past few months, witchelles lang sa 'ken kundi pati na ren sa mga utawsingbelles sa paligid ko, I thought we were moving to another direction. I thought change is already taking place.

'Nung nakilala ko si Varsity Captain akala kez eh isusulat kez na ang bagong chapter ng lyf ever kez.

'Nung hiniwalayan ni Rica si Lucas eh akala kez na magsisimula nang mag-ingat si Rica sa mga jojowain niya.

'Nung nawala si Marco kay Claude, akala ko magkakaroon siya ng bagong point-of-view sa mga bagay-bagay.

Lahat pala yun eh commercial lang.

'Nung gabing yon sa Malate. Na-felt kez na parang we're back where we started.

Siguro nga, as worse as it gets, some things are not meant to change at all.

ALL IN A GAY’S WORK

Simula pa nang pag-return-of-the-jedi kez from Aklan eh witchelles na nakapagpahinga ang shortawan ko. It's the last quarter at ang raket eh kaliwa't kanan at halos lumaylay na ang dila ko, mind you wala pang hadang involved.

One morning eh nasa office akez ng St. Francis Condos sa Shangri-La Edsa for a meeting. I will be directing their Christmas party dubbed as "Masquerade". For almost a week eh I’m supervising rehearsals of the staff’s performance on their big party. I hired 3 choreographers to do the production numbers.

Then, mega-call si Art, isa sa mga director ko. Talak niya sa 'ken, na witchelles daw siya makakaattend sa production meeting ng isang raket niya. Another Christmas party ito. This time it’s for Paseo Center. He asked me, kung pwede daw na ako ang mag-assist sa kanya, he'll pay me my rate. Chika ko naman keri lang. Ask akez kung kelan naman ang production meeting, chika niya that afternoon at 3.

From St. Francis office, direcho akez sa Via Mare sa Shang to have lunch with Kiara and Gerard. I asked Kiara to make gowns for the Masquerade party. At nag-fly-in pa talaga ang lola ko from Aklan.

Lunch was great and so as the married couple.

Tapos eh umisquierda na akez paatak ng MRT Shaw. WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF A CARLESS PERSON.

Pumila ng slight. Nakipagsiksikan ng slight then viola! Buendia station.

Then, super-buselyas paatak ng AYALA at bumaba ng Paseo de Roxas. Around 2:30, on my way to the production meeting eh I received a call from LOVE. Si LOVE eh isa sa mga modil na niraraket namen. At isa siyang AGTA. AGTA, meaning negris, negra, negrita, African/American/Filipina. But mind you, isa siya sa mga pinakamabyondang agtang na-meet kez in my entire gay life. Finalist siya for Best Models (MTV FASHIONISTA) 2003 with Victor Basa, Anthony Maden, Daryl Rose, etc.

Samahan ko raw siya na umatak sa rehearsals niya for Mild Seven. Witchelles daw niya learn kung paano umatak sa venue. So, witchelles naman akez maka-hindi. Chika kez, mag-meet ever kame sa Starbucks Insular ng 5:30

Then, walkathon paatak sa Paseo Center.

Pag-enter kez sa office eh halos kumpleto na ang lahat ng members ng committee for the Christmas Party. Pero parang witchelles nila inacknowledge ang presence ko.

Hanggang tumalak akez at the top of my lungs.

"Good afternoon, my name is Bernard Garcia. Art sent me here. I will be his assistant director for your event. Shall we start?"

Naloka ang lahat at napanganga. Wala silang choice kundi jumupo around the table para simulan ang meeting.

Talak. Talak. Talak. Migraine atak.

Bet nilang gawing "WESTERN" ang motiff ng Christmas Party nila.

Biglang jumosok sa jisip kez . . . Clint Eastwood . . . . . cowboys . . . . horses . . . . cactus . . . . . not my type of scene. However, I need to spill out some good ideas, no matter how I hate the concept. The clients will always decide. Anyway, ang consolation ko lang eh ang BOOTS ni Jessica Simpson ang magiging theme song ng party. Yoohoo!

After two hours of brain-storming, we came up with the whole program. We're set. I said goodbye and we will work on the script.

15 past 5 na. I have to meet Love at Starbucks by 5:30.

Love was there on time, with her usual kinky-sabog hair, it's a big hair, trust me. Think of Mariah Carey in Diva's Live, then she's in a HOT PINK blouse, it takes a lot of courage for a black girl to wear something like that, then a micro-mini maong-skirt with her killer stilletos, and mind you, it's HOT PINK den. Suddenly, I wanna borrow the shoes. Kelangan ko lang mag-jisip ng powerful na event para majuot kez ever ang shu'es.

Anyway, para na agad ng taxi and we headed to NBC Tent for MILD SEVEN rehearsals.

Oh Fuck! Suddenly, I remembered, I have to pick up KEN and MIKI from a Manila Bulletin Photo Shoot. Ken is a Half-Jap model, who possesses the best abs in the Philippines next to Marc Nelson. Meanwhile, Mikal is Norweigan, with a face that can launch a thousand ships full of gay people.

Wit ko na pinostcard ang rehearsals ni Love, at around 6:30, paatak na akez sa Richmond Hotel to pick up the two guys. I'm almost half-hour late.

When I got to them, they're exhausted like hell. At sobrang Tommy Hilfiger daw ang mga umbao so . . . I have to feed them.

From Richmond back where I came from, Shangri-La Mall. Lafang with two gorgeous guys. That night, I'm sure as hell that I'm the object of hate of most of the people in the restaurant, both gays and girls alike. Parang feeling kez eh eynimomentz eh may kutsilyo na lang na lumilipad at tatama sa likod ko. Masyado naman kasi akong maganda da 'vah? Eh ang sweet pa ng dalawang umbao na yon sa 'ken. Sorreeeeeee!!!!!

But honestly, working my ass off most of the time in the events and fashion industry working with godly-looking people . . . . . I'm already kinda immune. I'm already used in seeing gorgeous faces and hot naked bodies without having a boner or without going immediately to the restrooms to you know what I mean. And somewhat, my idea of beauty is going a notch higher day after day. That's why when I look in a mirror, I'll let out a breath and say, "God, I'm so fucking ugly."

But, as they say, we do not have to be obsessed with the superficial and we must look underneath the shell.

On the contrary, I'm a fag, being obsessed with beauty and youth is my god-given right.

Sabay get ng number ni Vicky Bello.

Echoz.

We finished eating and drinking a couple of beers at around 9. For the first time that day, I had a break. My next appointment is at 10.

And so, I thought.

Bigla namang shumorwag ang SM ko for Barney's. Kelangan daw eh umataksiva akez sa Araneta THAT INSTANT. HALLER!!! Okay lang siya. Feeling naman niya isa akong Sang-re na kering-kering magteleport. Chika ko na witchelles pa naman akez kelangan doonchie. Sa susunod na araw pa ang call time key hey hey hey. Pero ang chika niya eh super early-bird daw dumating ang mga Aussie Crew. Andon na sila.

Do I have a choice?

So, jiniwan ko na yung mga umbao, masakit man sa loob ko, para ng shoxiebelles at direcho sa Araneta.

45 minutes akey nag-byahe at super portugal ng shorpik ever sa EDSA. At ang pinakanakakalokang eksena eh pag-arrive kez sa Araneta eh POSTCARD na ang meeting ever. Ay! Bet ko talagang talakan ang SM ko but I am a professional. I held my composure, smiled and apologised for being late.

Keri lang daw.

With a smile on my face I turned my back, went out of Araneta, fetched another cab, for the nth time and went to San Miguel One for my next appointment.

I arrived 11pm. I'm an hour late. Thanks to Barney's shit.

I'm also doing the Christmas Party of SYKES, in PICC Forum. Sykes is a call center. So, super meeting na with the pips na kelangan kong I-meet. A week ago, we have already came up with a theme. It's the four elements, earth, fire, wind and water . . . . . . in short, Encantadia. So gay da 'vah?

Chinika ko ang final developments in my checklist, may mga giants, dwarfs, fairies, fire-breathing men and all sorts of circus freaks roaming around the venue while the party is on-going. I've shown them the set design, the performers. Na-close na namen ang deal with Rivermaya and Francis M. I assured them that this will not be a corporate party that will bore people to death but rather a god damned PAAAAARTY in its purest sense.

After that, it's all in a day's work.

But not entirely.

When I left Sykes, super walkathon muna akez, instead of getting a cab. I need a breath of fresh air, or what's left of it.

So, nakarating akez ng EDSA at super waitsung ng buselyas.

2:30 na at puro nyordinary ang buselyas. Eynimomentz da 'vah? Bombing on the loose.

At sa wakas, nakasightchinabelles akez ng aircon.

Nasa second to the last row akey hey hey hey. Super happy dahil sa wakas eh napostcard na ren ang araw kez, keri ko nang jumuwelya, at maborlog peacefully.

Meron akez na sina-sight sa bagelya ko nang mapansin ko na yung isang menchus eh super-sight sa 'ken.

Was he looking at me?

Then I glanced at him. He was indeed looking at me . . . . . vividly.

Shet, at bumalek ang paningin kez sa bag ko at nakalimutan ko na tuloy kung aneklavu ang hinahanap kez.

Kakaloka. Pag meron talagang mega-shitig sa iyez eh kakairita. Parang bet mong chikahin na lang na picturan ka na lang to get it over with.

At mega-sight akez another.

Bigla siyang tumango sa 'ken.

Naloka na naman akez another, back to the bag.

What's his problem? Honestly, witchelles naman siya mukhang hold-upper noh. He's wearing a blue polo and black slacks, black shoes. He's even carrying a pouch and if I'm not mistaken, it is a GIRBAUD.

Was he checking me out?

Sight akez another.

Shit. Now, I realized, he's not that bad at all. Think of Yul Servo with bigger and more round eyes. His hair extends just below his ears and down to his shoulders. His soft eyes is being contrasted by the roughness of his unshaved mustache and goatee.

At that time, I realized, I am also staring at him.

And he moved.

I observed the slow movement of his right hand as it landed on his thigh and moved it higher until it reached the lump on his pants. Then, sight uli akez sa fezlack niya. Tumango na naman siya, but this time, his mouth opened slightly and his tounge slithered on his upper lip.

I felt my heartbeat as if it moved up to my throat and I felt my body temperature moved a little higher. FEVERISH.

Nakatitig akez sa kanya. Nakatitig siya sa aken. Nagtatalakan ang mga mata namen.

Then, nag-standing-ovation siya at nag-transfer sa pinakadulong upuan sa likod kez.

Follow the leader naman daw akey hey hey hey!

What's a gay got to do?

We're sitting side by side. The back of a seat in front of us and the almost-sleeping EDSA rushing pass us.

I felt it like an electric bolt when his hands started to stroke my thigh until he felt that I have risen up for the occasion.

A gay's got to do what a gay's got to do.

He unbuttoned my jeans and put his hands inside by briefs. I couldn't help but to let out small gasps. And then, nafelt ko na lang na bigla niyang inalis ang kamay niya at tumingin sa labas.

Ano naman ang eksena nento?

A voice interrupted my line of thinking. Yung konduktor.

Dumukot akez ng coins, "AYALA".

Givesung niya yung ticket at umisquierda.

Tapos, humarap uli sa 'ken yung menchus. Looking at me straight in the eyes as he unzipped and pulled down my pants. Shit. I never thought that I'll get a blow-job on a bus.

Then, he went down.

There's no point of being intimate and slow, I thought, coz nasa Buendia na kame. At felt ko, na learn din niyang malapet na ko.

He went as fast as he can, I wanted to scream, but I just held it. Witchelles siya humihinto, witchelles na ren yata siya humihinga, his head bobbing in front of me. I felt every stroke, every beat until . . . . .

Ayan na . . . . Malapet na ako . . . . .

Malapet na malapet na . . . .

Heto na . . . .

Hayun na . . . . .

Right there and then, he didn't let go until it's all dry . . . . . he took it all in.

I pulled up my pants, looked out the window.

Perfect cue.

Heto na nga.

I grabbed my bag. Stood and yelled.

"Para."

PUSONG MAMON, BITUKANG DRAGON

CREDITS START ROLLING OVER BLACK

STARRING

Bernadette as himself

Rica as himself

Prince as himself

Claude as not in himself

As we fade in to

SCENE 1. INT. CLAUDE'S HOUSE. DAY

We see a very minimalistic living room. A sofa set covered in thick black leather. It does not look comfortable to sit at. It appears very stiff that when you sit on it, you're butt will turn flat. An eight-foot black and white vase stands in one corner and a skinny lampshade on the other. The vast living room looks like the owner hasn't finished unpacking after moving in.

Cut to

SCENE 2. INT. CLAUDE’S HOUSE. DAY. -same-

Voices can be heard. Chinas, metal utensils and glasses complete the noise from the dining area. We move from the living room to where the noises are coming and it gets louder as we see three guys sitting around a round glass table.

CLAUDE is slouching on his chair. His legs crossed. His plate got traces of croissant. He has a clean hair cut, almost like the marines. His white polo is neatly pressed as well as his jeans. He got a very stern face. No reaction as the other two are talking. He is just playing with his goatee.

On his right is RICA, talking while eating. His croissant is nearly finished and he takes another one from a bigger plate in the center of the table. He is a little fat but not totally. He is in the middle of medium and large. His face is very animated, with eyebrows rising and lowering with the tone of his voice as well as his hands regardless of the fact that he's using them for eating.

Sitting across him is Bernardette. The croissant on his plate has barely been touched. He is the smallest among the three. His hair is messy and his shirt doesn't match his pants. He is talking to Rica but it seems that his thoughts are somewhere else.

He is not looking looking at Rica, just staring at the croissant on his plate as

BERNZ: Do you think I'm pathetic for hoping?


Rica suddenly raised an eyebrow. Obviously the question is completely out of their topic.

RICA: Hoping for what? I don't get what you mean.

BERNZ: (Still not looking at Rica) About Varsity Captain. About what happened.

Rica, suddenly knowing what the question is about, suddenly gets reenergized.

RICA: Dahleng, you are not pathetic. You're just being yourself. And you can't like blame your saril naman. You felt sorta like in love da 'vah? That's just the right thing to do or to expect.

Claude, listens, still with an expressionless face, just playing with his goatee as

CLAUDE: For me, no . . . . no . . . you are not pathetic. Let me just say, you are soooooo dumped.

BERNZ: Thank you Claude for being such a very very good and honest friend.

CLAUDE: Well, you know me friend. I only speak the truth.

BERNZ: Well, you know friend. Try lying for once, it's the world's currency.

Claude suddenly shifts and fakes a pitiful face as

CLAUDE: And, ano naman ang gusto mong sabihin ko? Uhmmmm . . . . That that guy is so out of his freaking mind for blowing you off? Or, do you want me to say na, hindi mo siya kawalan, kawalan ka niya? Or, when a door closes a window opens?

BERNZ: Enough na nga. Wag na natin siyang pag-usapan. Ayaw ko na siyang isipin.

Bernz holds the glass of water, he is about to drink when

RICA: Ateh. Yan din ang sinabi mo 'non 'nung na-learn mong he's making karir the jowa of Robin. Then you said it again 'nung he told you na he likes this certain kaklase. Hmmmm. Aminin.

Bernz is still holding the glass of water.

BERNZ: Yeah. Pero ngayon iba na. Ibang level na 'to. May JOWA na siya. At ayaw ko mang pumayag. Wala na akong magagawa.

Bernz drinks.

RICA: Sure ka na ba?

Bernz continues to drink then puts the glass down, already empty.

BERNZ: Sure na!

RICA: Final answer.

BERNZ: Uhmmmm . . . . . sure na.

CLAUDE: What if he comes running back to you, begging for love and forgiveness?

BERNZ: Then, I'll accept him. Why not naman? Gusto ko rin naman.

RICA: Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabe ko eh.

CLAUDE: That's fair, but make sure that when you meet again. Try to have SEX with him na so that you'll get even. Para at least walang bitterness.

BERNZ: So, feeling nyo may bitterness ako ngayon dahil hindi kami nag-do?

CLAUDE & RICA: Yeah.

BERNZ: Mga luka-luka!

Prince comes in from the kitchen carrying a pitcher of juice. Prince is not as uptight-looking as Claude. He looks more like nerdy with the horn-rimmed glasses on his face.

CLAUDE: (with a softer voice) Prince, we're finished na. Can you get na the plates?

PRINCE: Sure.

Prince is smiling at Claude as he gets the plate.

Claude is also smiling. The first time he smiles.

CLAUDE: Thank you.

Claude moved his hand underneath the table and touched Prince's thigh.

CLAUDE: And since you're going there. Can you get na rin the tissue?

PRINCE: Okay.

CLAUDE: Thank you.

Prince smiles at Claude again and winks as he goes back to the kitchen.

Bernz notices what happened. He puts a grin and

BERNZ: So, Claude. While I am being dumped by a guy whom I thought is my 'this is it' and Rica here is having the time of his life with his two-timer lover . . . .

RICA: Ehem.

BERNZ: Rather, second-timer lover. Anung eksena mo?

CLAUDE: Same. Work. Home. Work. Home. Fuck. Work. Home.

BERNZ: Parang may hindi ka sinasabi sa 'men?

CLAUDE: What?

BERNZ: You know, this, (fakes a girly voice) "Prince, can you do this. Thank you. Prince, can you like get that. Thank you. Prince, can you. Prince. Prince. Prince". And then, with the haplos on the side.

CLAUDE: Well, we're . . . uhmm . . . . well . . . . . uhmm . . . .

RICA: Hmmmmmmm. Walang masagot. Is he living here with you na?

CLAUDE: No. Well, yes. But not totally. Until he gets a permanent place. Remember, he just got transferred from Bohol di ba?

BERNZ: Correction. He requested for him to be transferred para lang masundan ka niya dito sa Maynila.

RICA: Oh my fucking shit!!!!

Rica suddenly stands making the chair slide back causing a noise. The two gets shockes with Rica's sudden reaction. His jaw dropped. He appears to be very disbelieving as he puts his right hand over his widely opened mouth and

RICA: Our oldest and bitchiest sister is in-love……

BERNZ: At last, na-prove ko rin sa sarili ko na tao ka rin pala katulad namen.

CLAUDE: Guys, can we not make a big deal out of this.

RICA: You're blushing.

BERNZ: How can we not make a big deal out of this? The last time that you were on a relationship was . . . . . . Rica?

RICA: Jurassic age.

BERNZ: See!!! Hindi mo naman kelangang itago sa 'men. Nahihiya ka pa.

CLAUDE: And these things are exactly the reasons why I don't want to tell you. Stop making a fuzz.

RICA: Hahahahaha! O baket ngayon parang you can't make out strong words? What happened to the Claude that we used to know that never buckles and always on the negative side.

CLAUDE: Because . . . uhmmmm

RICA: See . . . . (sings and dances) Claude and Prince . . . sitting by the tree . . . K . I . S . S . I . N . G.

CLAUDE: Tama na yan.

BERNZ: Okay.

The three go silent for a minute.

BERNZ: (to Claude) Do you have yosi?

CLAUDE: I don't smoke anymore.

Rica moved his chair closer to Claude and sits.

RICA: Since when . . . ?

Prince comes in with a napkin holder.

Rica looks at Prince as he walks towards them.

BERNZ: I guess, your answer just walked in.

RICA: Owwwwwwwww. I see.

Prince seems to be lost in the conversation as he stands close to Claude.

RICA: Prince, I would like to say congratulations. You know what is the current condition of the last person who told Claude not to smoke?

Prince is still clueless.

PRINCE: Uhmmm . . . . Hindi naman sa . . .

RICA: He's on a wheelchair.

PRINCE: Ha? Nilumpo nya? (pointing at Claude)

RICA: No naman. Uhmmmm. That day. 'Nung napika ang ateh ko. Tinalak-talakan niya the guy. As in sobrang warla. Then the guy, started cryin, didn't know what to do. Umalis dito, running away, out of his mind. Then, crosses the street then boom. He was hit by a jeep.

Prince is surprised by what he heard.

RICA: So conrgratulations. It's amazing that you can still stand in two feet. I guess our friend, really loves you then.

CLAUDE: I don't believe in love. And I am not in love.

Claude stands immediately and walks away from the dining area.

Cut to:

SCENE 3. INT. CLAUDE'S HOUSE. GARAGE

Claude is leaning on the hood of his car. Looking out the street as kids in bicycles pass.

Then we hear . . .

BERNZ: Claude, you do not have to deny yourself the fact that you are still capable of loving.

CLAUDE: I promised myself that I will not fall in love again.

Bernz goes in front of Claude. Claude moves away and opens the gate. He starts to pick dry leaves scattered in front of his house.

BERNZ: Okay so. What is Prince doing here?

CLAUDE: (Not looking at Bernz) He wants to be here. He wants to be with me. I'm just giving him what he wants.

BERNZ: But don't you feel guilty at all? I mean, we all know that this guy loves you like hell. And then, you're like this? You have to think about this.

Claude stands to face Bernz.

CLAUDE: I have already thought about it for a hundred times already, thank you. I know that there's some sort of whatever the fuck you call it, love or emotions coming from him but I told him from the beginning, and I was very clear that he should not expect those shit coming from me. And he agreed. We are in good terms, we like each other, we are getting along pretty well. But we are not lovers like what you hopeless romantics are thinking.

BERNZ: Is that possible? (beat) And by the way, we are not hopeless romantics.

CLAUDE: Possible? You're already seeing it happen.(beat) And by the way, Yes! You are hopeless romantics.

Frame freezes.

Fade to black.

PERHAPS THE LAST VARSITY CAPTAIN ENTRY

Noong kyotabelles pa akey hey hey hey eh parati na lang akez pinapagalitan ni Tita Lornz dahil witchelles raw ako marunong maglipgpit ng higaan ko. Ang rason ko sa kanya, bakit pa kailangang ayusin ang higaan ko kung tutulugan ko rin naman siya kinagabihan.

Hanggang ngayon eh witchelles ko pa ren ma-gets ang konseptong iyon. Parang relationships, ano pa ang rason na pumasok sa relationship kung it is deemed to be broken. Kung totoo nga ang sinasabi ni Claude na walang forever, lahat pala ng relasyon ay masisira at masisira din kahit na anong mangyari.

"Let's meet at Watering Hole in 30 minutes."

Chika ni Varsity Captain pag-orwag niya.

Nagpaalam na akez kay Rica, Claude at kay Mama Ricky. With a smile on my face.

"Uyy! May booking ang bakla," hiret ni Mama Ricky.

Laftir na lang akez. Baka pag humaba pa ang chikahan eh maibera kong ang jowa niya eh bumubuking ng ibang menchus at sa sarili pa niyang pamamahay.

So. Fly na akez.

After 45 minutes eh maski anino ni Varsity Captain eh witchelles kez pa nasisilayan sa Watering Hole.

Nakakatatlong beranggju na akez nang masight ko siya finally. Bumaba siya sa isang carumba at kumaway sa driver.

Na-sight niya akez bigla at dumirecho kung saanchinabelles akez nakajupostrax.

Gawd! I could have ran to him, take him in my arms . . . . . kiss him . . . . . from head to toe and ask him to fuck me like there's no tomorrow eh yun eh kung wala lang kame sa public place. Pero I missed that face. I dunno. It has been two or almost 3 months kong witchelles nasightchinabelles ang fezlack na yonchie na dumilubyo sa isip ko for some time now.

I stood while waiting for him.

He stroked my back and kissed me sa cheeks.

Shiiiiiit!

Tumayo lahat ng buhok sa katawan kez.

Then he smiled.

Para na naman akong ice-cream na iginigisa sa kumukulong mantikilya.

"Have a seat." Chika ko na lang. Not knowing kung anechiwa ba talaga ang unang ichichika ko sa kanya.

Smile lang siya.

Ang signature smile niyang parang mongoloid na nakakaloko.

"Your hair. It's longer ha. And you gained weight," napansin ko agad ang mga changes sa katawan niya. Shet! Kelangan ko nang I-update ang braincells ko for future daydreams.

"Yeah. Wala nang time na mag-work-out e."

Shumorwag akez ng waiter para maka-order ng berangju si Varsity Captain.

"So . . . . . what's up? Kamusta ka?" Super alert-alive-awake-enthusiastic naman daw akez sa pagchika, it's been so long since the time we last seen each other.

"Okay lang. Never felt better," bera niya. As usual, he's always a man of few words.

"Good! Nice."

Dead air.

Super smile lang kame sa isa't isa. Super wait akez kung haves ba siya ng sasabihen. At witchelles ko din naman talaga alam ang sasabihen ko. Gusto kong sabiheng. Love me!!! Love me!!! Love me now and I'll take you with no doubts! Pero witchelles pa naman yata ako ganon kagaga.

Hanggang sa dumating ang berangju niya.

"Bernz, I want to tell you something . . . ."

Shet! This is it . . . . heto na . . . . nag-lighten naman daw ang fez ko na parang tuta na pinakitaan ng fresh na buto.

After 10 seconds . . . .

Ganun pa ren ang hitsura ko . . . waiting . . .

After another 10 seconds . . . .

"I don't know really . . . ." nagmumble lang siya. Napakunot ng noo. Napahawak sa hair habang nakatingin sa floor.

Witchelles na ko nakatiis. "What is it?"

Tumingin siya ken ng direcho at ipinatong niya ang kamay niya sa kamay ko sa ibabaw ng table.

"Bernz, I really liked you a lot. I really do. But when you left and never spoke to me again, kala ko nakalimutan mo na ako."

"Hindi. Kaya ako umalis. Because of you. I really wanted you din. I wanted to have a peace of mind para masagot ko ang mga tanong sa sarili ko. And I did. I found my way. Now I'm ready."

"You know, there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved . . . . so, we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and never gonna love us and we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing and all our dreams come true only it seems that that day will never come and before we knew it . . . . it's too late.”

"What are you saying?"

"Gusto ko lang inform ka na I have a lover. Si Bryan, remember the guy that I told you. Yung classmate ko. We've been together for a month."

Na-feel kong biglang umasim ang mukha ko pero super trying-hard pa ren akez na mag-smile na parang witchelles akez na-apektuhan sa ichinika niya.

"Wow. Nice."

That's really nice. He is really nice. Ang nice niyang tadjakan. Sorry. Pero yun yung nafeel ko. Anyway, alam kong hindi ko rin naman siya masisisi.

"I'm sorry."

In fairness, gusto ko na talagang umiyak non pero kinaya ko ang sitwasyon, "Sorry for what?" With all the smiling face and avratheng pa ren.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't able to wait."

Parang bet kong italak sa kanya na heto na. . . . . okay na ko . . . . sige na . . . . hindi ka na magwe-wait . . . maski magpropose ka sa aken eh oo ang isasagot ko . . . . but I'll just feel more defeated. Katulad nga ng sinabi niya . . . . it's too late.

"Okay lang yon. Anukaba?" Ginetching ko ang wallet kez at nag-iwan ng anda sa table. "I'm sorry I have to go."

Shumoyo akez. Wala na rin naman talagang rason para mag-stay pa ko don and besides . . . malapet na talaga akong sumabog. So nagpaalam akez sa kanya at mega-walkathon papalayo. . . . papalayo kay Varsity Captain . . . papalayo sa pag-asang magkajowa akez ng isang katulad niya.

Naglakad lang ako nang naglakad. Gusto na ng katawan ko na pumara na lang ng taxi, maupo at nang makauwi na agad, humiga at matulog pero parang ayaw pa ng isip ko. Sa tagpong katulad nito, malamang hindi masyadong madali para makapagpahinga. Iikot-ikot lang ako sa higaan ko, pipiliting dalawin ng antok pero maglalaro at maglalaro pa ren ang isip ko. Maglalakbay sa oras, mag-iisip at tatanungin ang sarili . . . . . . mali ba talaga ang nagawa ko? Kung tinanggap ko siya noon, masaya kaya ako ngayon? Baket ba ang gago-gago ko kung minsan?

Sa bawat yabag na parang walang nakikita at walang naririnig na mga bus at sasakyan sa EDSA, ang katumbas ay ang mga alaala ni Varsity Captain na sumasabog sa harapan ko na parang mga fireworks tuwing bagong taon sa Ayala.

Yung unang beses kong nasilayan ang mukha niya sa mga salamin ng CR ng government.

Yung magkasama kameng dalawa sa Subic habang pinapanood ang pagsikat ng araw.

Yung mga panahon na tinutulungan niya akong mag-impake para sa paglilipat ng bahay.

Sa bawat ingay na pumapaligid sa aken, ang naririnig ko ay ang mga matatamis at nakakakilig na usapan namin ni Varsity Captain.

Yung usapan namin habang super-ask siyang tulungan ko siya. Nasa Antipolo kami. Baket ba hindi ko pa sinabing YES!?!

Yung time na basa siya sa ulan at pumunta sa bahay ng madaling araw. 'Nung sinabi niyang, "I need you." Pero dinespatsa ko siya. At sinabi ko pa na "I may even love you"!! Pero parang wala lang.

At yung lintek na text message na yon that sent me packing my bags to Aklan.

That fucking text: BERNZ I WANT YOU BACK.

Those were the times, pero wala na 'yon. Walang-wala.

Pero sa kabila ng kunot ng noo at salubong na kilay ay bigla na lang ako mapapangiti at mapapailing sa tuwing pumapasok ang ideya na "ni hindi naman kami naging kami bakit ako masyadong apektado?". "Ni hindi ko rin naman sigurado kung mahal ko ba siya talaga?" "Siguro isa lang siya sa mga lalakeng dumaan sa buhay ko na makakalimutan ako at makakalimutan ko pagkatapos ng ilang araw."

"So, why the fuck am I feeling like shit?"

Tapos eh biglang babagsak ang mga labi sabay hinga ng malalim at mapapatingin sa mas malayo, "Kase sayang! Malay ko siya na 'yon. Tanga ka talaga Bernz."

"Anong magagawa ko? When he asked, I'm not yet ready for commitment . . . . . and I'm not even sure that I am the only one."

"Isa lang ang ibig sabihin 'nyan. Duwag ka kasi."