THIRD SEX IN THE PROVINCE (MEET BUNSO)

IKAAPAT NA KABANATA
Everybody, Meet BUNSO!

"Never kong naalala na merong nag-eexist na nyt life dito sa Kalibo."

"Bernz, correct ka dyan. Pero that was before . . . . before moi painted the town pink."

As promised, nag-return of the jedi akez sa bayan, refreshed para sa isang night-out together with Malate's ex-no. 1 partyphile-turned-provincial-domesticated-cotourier.

"Painted the town pink???"

"Wag kang masyadong negative Bernz, when was the last time na gumimik ka dito . . . . .when Cory Aquino was still the President? And besides, maraming mga sikreto ang bayang ito na hindi mo pa nadidiscover. "

"Yeah . . . . like an underground gay community?"

Napalaftir ako sa idea ko.

Pero si Kiara . . . . . . . . deadma.

Fast forward ang eksena sa isang "bistro" downtown. Bago lang ang place. Nag-open daw itez last year. In fairness, sa labas eh kering-keri ang eksena . . . . . super-straight . . . . . parang tipikal na Dencio's or Gerry's Grill na you'll have more dinner than beer, obviously not my type of bar-scene.

Pero pag-enter namin sa lugar eh na-lukresia kasilag akey hey hey! Pagpasok ko pa lang eh promising na ang lugar. Sumalubong sa amin ang live acoustic music coming from a solo performer. Considering na it was a Tuesday, jampacked ang place. Wa rin akez ma-say sa interior. Artsy-artsy ang attack. It kinda reminded me of Republic of Malate na feeling mo eh nasa pelikula ka nang Shake, Rattle and Roll o kaya Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara.
Super-sight ako sa mga utaw.

"Don't let them fool you Bernz. Welcome to the modern society of Aklan."

Huminto kami sa isang table sa may dulong-dulo ng bistro, where Kiara's newfound friends are waiting for us . . . . at I should add . . . lahat siletchie eh mega-enthusiastic na ma-meet ang one of Makati's top-production-manager na pinagmamayabang ni Kiara all along at lahat siletchie eh mukhang disappointed na masightchinabelles akey hey hey!!!!

Na-read kez ang mga nasa jutak niletchie:

PAMINTA NO. 1: HMMMMPPPPPPPFFFFFFF! Akala ko ba naman eh super hottest na . . .
PAMINTA NO. 2: YAN SI BERNARD?????!!!!! ARGH! SANA NAGPABONA NA LANG AKO SA TRICYCLE DRIVER SA KANTO.
PAMINTA NO. 3: MINSAN NA NGA LANG TAYO MAKAMEET NANG HINDI TAGA-DITO, HETO PA ANG NAKILALA NATEN
PAMINTA NO. 4: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (SORRY. ALL LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER)

Sorry, na-block ang telephatic powers ko pagdating sa pang-apat na pamenchus . . . . . . . na-interrupt itez nang biglang pagkabog nang puriit kez nang dumapo ang mga eyes ko sa mukha niya . . . . . .

Mukha na parang . . . .

Kadiliman . . . . . .

Super fuzzy ang feeling . . . . parang kagagaling mo lang sa roller coaster . . . . nang ma-sight mo ang buong life ever mo na nag-flash in front of you . . . . .

Kadiliman pa ren . . . . .

Malamig . . . . . .

Pero hindi maginawla . . . . .

Pinipilit mong buksan ang talukap ng mga mata mo . . . . pero . . . . mahirap . . . . .

Itez siguro ang feeling nang isang baby na kagagaling lang sa puriit nang ina . . . . (siyempre minus the "amoy bagoong alamang" na feeling)

Dahan-dahan mong ibubukas ang mga eyes mey . . . . .

Liwanag ang sasalubong sa iyo . . . . . nakakasilaw . . . . . .

May mga ulap . . . . .

At biglang sasalubong sa iyo ang mukhang yon . . . . . . nakangiti . . . . . . sparkling eyes . . . . . red lips . . . . . hubo't hubad . . . . . at sasabihen sa yong:

"WELCOME TO HEAVEN"

Biglang cue nang music. BLAST. CHORUS OF ANGELIC VOICES:

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . LELUJA . . . . . . ..
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . .LELUJA . . . . . . . HALELUJA . . . . . HALELUJA . . . . . HALEHEHEHELUJAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!


"Welcome to heaven," nakangiti lang siya sa 'ken nang biglang . . . . .

Kurot sa tagiliran from Kiara.

"Aw!"

"Bernard, I want you to meet the guys."

Paminta no. 1, a.k.a. Tony, moreno, kulot, bumbayin. COLLEGE STUDENT.

Paminta no. 2, a.k.a Manny, tisoy, beafy, may dimples, perfect teeth . . . . . COLLEGE STUDENT.

Paminta no. 3, a.k.a Jerry, moreno, slim, straight ang hair . . . in fact, sobrang straight . . . parang nagpasalon . . . malamang ang prinsesa ng grupo . . . . . and guess what . . . . another COLLEGE STUDENT

And finally, Paminta no. 4 . . . . . .

Nang biglang . . . . .

Enter ang isang majiit na pamenchus. Maputi . . . sobrang puti . . . . parang naliligo nang gatas at in fairness, makinis . . . . . new-wave ang hair . . . naka-braces . . . . cute

"Hi. Kiara"

Majiit na nga nga height niya . . . majiit pa ang boses niya . . . .

"Hi. Heaven!"

Nagyakpsule ang dalawa.

"Heaven, let me introduce you to my friend who's having a vacation here . . . Bernard. Bernard, this is Heaven."

Super shake hands . . . . malambot ang kamay, in fairness, parang hindi nagtatrabahu itu . . .

"She owns the place . . . " talak ni Kiara.

Tumbling . . . . cartwheel . . . . sabay handstand!

She . . . . . .

At chinika kong "cute" siya da vah??? Teka . . . . . i hafta vomit . . . . gwaaaaaaaaaark!!!!!!

I just lost my dinner . . . and my appetite to have another one . . . . .

"Wag kang mag-alala, Bernz. Bading din yan si Heaven."

Red Alert!!! Migraine attack . . . . . I just thought that she was a he and found him cute then realized na shomboyita pala si powtah then suddenly . . . sasabihan akong bading din siya.

Spluk si Heaven nang "Keri lang yan Kiara. Alam mo naman ang beauty nang lola mo. Maraming nabibighani at maraming naloloka," in a very-bading-na-kabog-pa-si-Sweet-manner, I might add.

Double Red Alert!!!! Heart attack . . . . I just thought that she was a he and found him cute then realized na shomboyita pala si powtah then suddenly . . . sasabihan akong bading din siya . . . then . . . . biglang nag-gayspluk.

Spluk uli si Heaven, "Sige, mega-sit lang kayez. Shorwag lang akez nang waiter for more. Bernz, night mo itez!!!"

Exit si Heaven.

Sa wakas.

"Okay. Where were we???? Ahhhh. I'm just about to introduce . . . . "

Paminta no. 4. With that heavenly face . . . . . got to think of it. My gawd!!!! Please tell me that he is not a lesbian! !! Please God, tell me he is not a lesbian.

Shumoyo siya at in-offer ang hand niya . . . . "I'm *INSERT REAL NAME ni PAMINTA NO. 4"

It's a good start . . . . . . malalim ang boses niya . . . firm ang handshake at take note . . . . . . . may "punto" itu . . . No! No! No! Not that Bisaya punto . . . rather . . . American punto.

"Hi!" Chika ko, sabay tingin sa dibdib area niya . . . .

Okay . . . . .

So far so good . . . . .

Walang concealed humps 'don.

Oh . . . . . he's really heavenly after all. . . . pero not that HEAVEN . . . . if you know what I mean.

Biglang enter sa eksena si Kiara. "Bernz, si *INSERT REAL NAME ni PAMINTA NO.4*, we like to call him BUNSO . . . . he's the youngest," with extra emphasis on the word "youngest".

Okay! Pwede na akong kainin ng lupa ngayon.

Good news. Plus 10 points for the HEAVENLY FACE, plus 10 points for the RED and KISSABLE LIPS, another plus 10 points for the American Accent, and a complimentary plus 50 points because He is indeed a HE. Thank God He heard my prayers.

And the Bad news.

"I'm 18 years old," spluk niya sa 'ken proud and high just like a real MAN.

Minus 90 points.

For a total of negative 10 points.

"Bunso here, just got back from the States. Right Bunso?"

Hurray. Plus 10 points for the AMOY STATESIDE effect.

"Yeah. My Mom and Dad just got separated, then my Dad, including us, was deported, because even though we practically lived our whole lives there . . . . IMMIGRATION found out that we are illegal aliens after all. So, where back here."

Okay. Ngayon! Kering-keri na talaga ako kainin ng lupa. Promise!

Another minus 50 points for the broken family, tragic life story effect.

"Oh! I'm sorry to hear that," talak ko, while doing the arithmetic in my head.

"You don't have to be sorry. It's not you fault." Smile siya.

Okay. I'm giving him extra 5 points for smiling like that.

"Oh well. Wala lang akong maisip sabihin."

Butt in si Kiara. "Ah-ah. No Tagalog. Bunso, haven't got the hang pa of his roots especially the language."

"My Father is sort of like obessed with his American dream, my parents were married here and I was born here. I was like 18 months old when we moved in the States, and my Dad thought that he got his dream . . . to be an American and all that bullshit. So, I was raised like a true-blooded American. No turning back, he said, because we are not coming back. Then, after 18 years. Here we are. Back where we started."

"I see." Sabay baling kay Kiara. "San mo nakuha 'tong batang 'to."

"Hindi sila nakukuha Bernz. Parang PAG-IBIG. Dumadating yan. Now, if you'll have to excuse me boys, I have to fetch my husband. Promise me you'll take care of Bernard."

"Iiwan mo 'ko dito?"

"Hindi ba ganun naman parati ang eksena naten 'non . . . maski sa Piggy's. Enter tayo . . . introduce kita . . . . fly ako . . . . pagbalik ko . . . may booking ka na. Effective naman siya di ba?"

"Well, hindi ito Piggy's."

"You'll be fine Bernz. Tsaka, this boys are no longer interested on me, taken na 'ko. And you're not."

Exit Kiara.

Enter feeling of awkwardness being left with strangers . . . . much worse . . . . with kids.

"How old na po pala kayo?", biglang shornong ni Tony.

"24."

Sa mga normal parties na naaatakan kez sa Manaylus. Kajoint forces ang mga middle-aged veklores, super proud akez na sabihen kong I'm twenty four. Witchelles masyadong kyotabelles at witchelles masyadong thundercats. Perfect!

Pero ditembang . . . . in front of 18 year-olds. Feeling kez eh eynimomentz eh gigivesungan niletchie akez ng wheel chair.

Anyhow . . . . pero kung jijisipin naman eh . . . quiver . . . . it's just 7, 6 years ang pagitan ever.

"Ahhhhh. Okay," chika ni Tony.

"YOU'RE OLD," chika ni Bunso.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, you don't look that old. I mean, you don't look 24 at all."

"Yeah. I know, I look like thirty."

"No. You look like . . . you're just . . . . 20."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ganda ko da 'vah.

Dahil pinabata niya akez ng 4 years. Another plus 10 points.

"Well, thank you."

"DON'T FOOL YOURSELF OLD MAN, I'M JUST BEING POLITE . . . "

"Huh?"

"I said, do you want a San Mig Light?"

"Ah sure, why not?"

"YOU LOOK LIKE AN AGING FAGGOT. I BET YOU'RE LOUD!"

"Say that again?"

"I said, it seems that the sound here is too loud. I'm just wondering, if you want to transfer to another table."

"No. This is just fine."

"GOD! YOU ARE JUST TWENTY-FOUR AND IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE IN NEED OF A HEARING AID."

Okay. Super pretend na lang akez na witchelles kez naintindihan yonchie. Super tango na lang akez. Smile. Smile. Sabay chikang, "Yes. . . . . Yes."

Shumoyo si Bunso at tumabi sa 'ken.

"You probably didn't hear me well. I asked you, when was the last time you got laid?"

"Ahhhh. Oh . . . . Why are you asking me that?"

"Because it appears that you need one?"

Jugjug . . . . jugjug . . . . sabi ng heart kez.

"Aha! Ohhhhkay . . . . . do I look that desperate?"

"No?! But I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it. There's the crave. There's the animal who wants to come out."

Jugjug . . . . jugjug . . . . . sabi ng heart kez another. Only this time, louder and faster.

"Oh suddenly, you are a clairvoyant! And well, what if I said that I haven't got laid for a long time."

Shift gears.

Flirt mode.

Who gives a fuck about the points and the jugjug . . . . jugjug . . . . ?

Tungga nang berangju. Less jugjug . . . . . jugjug . . . . .

"Well, I'll say the long wait is over."

Samid. Muntik nang lumabas sa jilong kez ang berangju.

Clear ng throat.

"Are you like asking me to . . . . ." tingin sa other pamintas in the table . . . . . busy sila sa keri-kering singer sa stage . . . .

"have sex with you . . . " chika ni Bunso, while he's very close to me. Ang stitside na tounge almost touching my ears.

Tingly.

"You're very straightforward."

"I know, I was not raised here. I'm not used to the Pinoy's bullshit of beating around the bush."

"Haha! You sound so much like a man already."

"I am a MAN. Are you?"

"That's a problem . . . coz I'm not."

"Exactly what I'm looking for."

"Another problem is, I don't do SEX on first dates."

"And who said, that this was a DATE?"

Ooooooooooooh. Eksena da vah? Witchelles ko na ma-alala yung first time na shinornong akez ng dookit ng isang menchus na na-meet ko lang first time.

But . . . . . . na-realize kez. Wa palang time na shinornong akez ng dookit ng isang menchus na na-meet ko lang first time. (Of course, exempted ang mga dark-room at bath house escapades, tsaka yung may lumapit sa 'ken sa sinehan habang nanonood nang Titanic . . . . . . tsaka yung mega-jogging akez sa Circle.)

Shet!

Basta iba itu! Yung tipong, talking galore muna at witchelles mo ineexpect na ganoonchie pala ang eksena . . . . yung witchelles predictable . . . tipong spontaneous.

Then . . . . Enter . . . . .

"Bernz, akez ang iyong konsiyensiya ever," with the alingawngaw boses. "Jisipin mey hey hey! May shofatembang kang dise-nuwebe anyos. Badinggerzie din siya. Kapag gumorah ka kay Bunso, parang nakipagdookit ka na ren sa shofatembang mey hey hey!"

True. *sings* Balik harshness . . . balik harsh . harsh . . . . *toooooooot*. Guess the missing word and text POSH to 2366.

"Bernz, akez ang iyong konsiyensiya no. 2 ever," with the alingawngaw boses another. "Batsiva ka naman nakikinig sa de-putang yan? Bet mo ng nota. Bet na bet mo! Heto na . . . . nota na ang lumalapit sa iyo. Tatanggihan mo pa ba?"

Konsensiya no. 1 makes kurot Konsensiya no. 2's singet. "Bernz, akez ang shukinggan mey ever. Witchelles mo bet ang jugets. Needsung mo ang security, ang maturity . . . . witchelles ka magpapadala sa mashoshomis na dila at mala-anghel na fezlack nang kyotabelles na yanchie."

Konsensiya no. 2 makes bunot pubic hair ni Konsensiya no. 1. "Witchelles mey kelangang magpaka-ipokrita. Ang mga ipokrita ay pinupukol ng bato at tinatali sa puno para lafukin ng mga hantik! Dookit ang kelangan mo. May bet kang kalimutan da vah? Makakalimutan mo lang ang utaw na yonchie kapag nakipagdookit ka sa ibang utaw."

Konsensiya no. 1 makes hila na utong of konsensiya no. 2 at ginawang chinese garter. "Witchelles mo siya bet kalimutan!!! Confused ka lang. Pero deep inside . . . . learn na learn mo . . . felt na felt mo . . . . . parang felt paper . . . ang feeling . . . . bet mo pa rin siya. Bumalik ka na sa kanya. At witchelles mo needsung ang isa pang panggulo sa life ever mo. Remember, witchelles ka naman soap opera princess para gawing sala-salabat ang mga eksena sa life ever mo. Bumalik ka lang sa kanya, alam mong mahal ka niya at mahal mo siya. You'll live happily ever after."

Konsensiya no. 2 makes hila the nota of Konsensiya no. 1, isinangkal sa pinto at pabalagbag na sinarado itez. "Lukaret lang ang naniniwalang they will live happily ever after with their prince charming. Si, Tita Lornz na nga ang nagchika, witchelles ka makakasighteousbelles ng isang menchus na mamahalin ka forever and ever amen. Kaya, was mo aksayahin ang mga momentz na itu. Join lang nang join. Go lang nang go, habang may chance . . . or else, simulan mo nang mag-aral maggantsilyo dahil for sure, itey lang ang gagawin mo for life."

"Bernard . . . . ."

Deadma . . . .

"Bernard!"

Balik sa reality. Shet. Napa-praning na yata ako.

"Yeah?"

"Your phone is ringing."

Getching nang phone sa bulsa. Read ang screen . . .

Varsity Captain calling . . . .

Accept?

or

Reject?