HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I know that this might be a little delayed, pero kiver!

February 14, 2010 – bonggang bonggang hung over. Betchay ko lang palipasin ang araw na iyon nang nakahiga sa kama at mabyorlog nang 48 years. Ganun naman siguro talaga ang eksena kapag single ka at medyo abs bitter herbs capsule ang drama mo sa buhay tuwing Valentine’s day eh parang gusto mo na lang kainin ng lupa.

Ang isa pang nakakaloka eh ang bonggang-bonggang mga text messages na nare-receive mo greeting you a Happy Valentine’s day. Kung lukaluka lang siguro akembang eh pinagsasagutan ko ang lahat ng mga text nang “Hindi nga happy eh … hindi happy!”

Pero ang pinakanakakalokang text na nashonggap ko eh from MHW: “Hi Bernz, happy valentine’s!! Hope your doin fine. Sana pansinin mo na ulit ako. Friends pa ren naman tayo di ba?”

Tambling!

‘Nung first time na na-sightchinabelles ko siya with his jowaers morrisette na nagsusubuan ng spaghetti sa McDonalds na halos ikinabaliwag bulacan kez eh I decided na witchelles ko yata talaga kering maging kabitseena.

Pwede kong ichikang super happy ako pag magjointlackles kami sa mga eksena. Pwede ko reng ichika na walang selos factor na involved at witchelles ako magdedemand nang something pero witchelles. Habang tumatagal eh lumalala. Witchelles ko naman yatang betchay na dumating sa point na papipiliin ko siya between me at sa legal wife at ang ending eh uuwi lang akong luhaan with a consolation prize, bitbit ang majiit na bouquet na punung-puno nang angel’s breath.

Najisip kong pag kabitseena ka eh hanggang first runner up lang talaga ang beauty mo at wala sa iyo ang korona.

Pinilit ko na talagang tapusin ang lahat. I thought I was ready to let go.

Shinutol ko na ang lahat nang koneksiyon namin sa office. Witchelles ko na rin pinapakealaman kung anu man ang ginagawa niya.

Tapos biglang babatiin niya akembang ng “Happy Valentine’s Day” …. nyeta! Learn ba niyang witchelles happy ang Valentine’s ko because of him. Ampf!

FOURTH STAGE: DEPRESSION

I have thought not only twice but thrice about blogging about this. But before anything else, I just want to make a disclaimer, I am too sad to blogginderzie this post. Now, if you are looking for fun and something to laugh at and you don’t want to succumb to my cries of desperation and pathetic nuisances … then I would strongly suggest that you close this blog and skip to another site or do something awful to someone.

I guess that it is still always easy to start with how you are feeling when you want to blog about something. Well, I’m hurt right now ….maybe hurt is a bit of an understatement … try devastated. Okay, so I’m a bit devastated. I would really want to tell why and write down the entire story here but I don’t think that I have enough strength and courage to do that without slashing my wrists or jumping out of my window.

My abominable mother has relentlessly reminded me that this day would come. Well, I’ve experienced this day before, a couple of times …. I’m experiencing it right now, which does not really make me feel less hurt …. and I bet my skinny ass and my 25inch waist that I will continue experiencing this time and time again.

The feeling has always been the same only the names and the faces of the people causing this constantly change.

I will not forget that day when my mother and I are setting up the table for a family dinner, when she said, “Kung pipiliin mong maging ganyan (bading) …. Kailangan mong tanggapin na tatanda ka nang mag-isa. Gusto mo bang tumandang mag-isa?”

I didn’t answer and I just shrugged my shoulder. At that point, I really didn’t think of my mother as a good resource speaker when it comes to homosexual life. I just thought that she perhaps was just playing tricks on me as she always does, like when I was five, she keeps on telling me that if get wounded, a train will come out of the wound. Well, I surely got wounded, but no train came out, that ruined my mom’s credibility.

Now, when these sad moments come to me, I always have the inkling to look back and play the “what if” game in my mind. What if I will be given the chance to turn back time and go back to the point wherein I have to choose between the Gay & Fabulous Avenue and the Straight & Dull Boulevard, would I be choosing differently?

One part of me says yes …. But a bigger and a more flamboyant part of me says “Hell NO!”.

So, I just need to live with it. Yesterday, I felt a throbbing pain from a space underneath my rib cage where a heart is supposed to be strategically placed, when MHW didn’t text me.

For the past five days, we have been constantly having lunch together.

In the middle of the day, he would text me and tell me that he will go out to grab lunch … “WANNA COME?”. At first, I hesitated. Again, it’s the foolishness and the idea of being a querida creeps into me like a humid breeze in a sunny El Nino afternoon. But my attraction towards him had grown into something inexplicable. I have bargained and I accepted the consequences (and so I thought).

So regardless of whatever I was doing within those days, when MHW texts, I’ll either have to sneak out of a meeting or cancel everything all throughout, go out, meet him somewhere discreet and enjoy our stolen moments.

Thursday night, I blurted out something to him that I shouldn’t have had. I told him how I enjoy his company and like how things are working out for the two of us. Then, he threw a very weird gaze at me as if I have just spoken in an unfamiliar language.

I curled into a defensive mode and told him that I am not expecting anything deeper and more serious than this and that I know that we’ve known each other “personally” for a very short span of time.

Then, he finally spoke. “Bernz, as much as possible, I want this to continue and I want to get to know you more .. but …”

Yeah! There you have it! There should always be a “but”! There MUST always be a “BUT”!

I stopped him in mid-sentence, “I don’t want your “as much as possibles” …. we can go on like this and for you, I am willing to be the second …… the third …. or even the fourth best!”

And that’s when the SHIT hits the pan.

He just smiled, then touched the back of my head and caressed it like a father does to his two year old son.

But what can I do? I always tend to be vulnerable to this … I always develop feelings for people whom I am not supposed to develop feelings to. Because whenever I do … I always end up either hitting a prick (brick) wall or pulling my hair out of my scalp.

So, yesterday, I have waited patiently for his text at around lunch time and no text came in. After thirty minutes, I stepped out of my aquarium and looked for him. Somebody said he already left for lunch.

My inner-self have warned me against what I will have to do next. But I still did. I went down and looked for him.

It just took me around five minutes to find him. And there he was in a fast food eating with (I assumed to be) “THE LEGAL WIFE”.

I was looking from a couple of meters away and felt as if a bee stung me. I was paralyzed for a moment, I can’t move and I can’t even think.

I just turned my back and walked away.

RICA, being a very good and sympathetic friend told me through text, “Why would you be hurt? Did he even become yours?”

I replied, “You don’t need to have or own someone, in order for that someone to hurt you.”

We are incessantly being hurt by people, hell, we are being hurt by people that we don’t even freaking like. Hurt and pain is inevitable ….. and for a faggot like me … it comes in trenches … it amplifies to the point of depression, suicidal tendencies and pathetic musings such as this.

The question …. “HOW COME NOBODY LOVES ME?” ….. always come to mind.

But at the end … you will have to make a choice … let yourself be affected by it … do something about it … or just move on ….

THIRD STAGE: BARGAINING

Isang buong linggo akong parang wala sa huwisyo. Part na ren siguro yung pagka-imbernackles ko kay MHW at sa samu’t saring pressure sa workikay. Sa mga oras na ganito ay super wish akez na sana eh naging beauty queen na lang akez for more effortless galore.

Friday shift eh I got an invitation from one of the bilat managers na di ko naman masyadong close sa office, may birthday celebration daw siya somewhere in Makati, Saturday night.

Chika ka witchickles ko pa sureness kung makakaatak akez. Parang the last thing I have in mind eh to spend my weekend off with officemates. Kasi parang useless, for sure eh work at work pa ren ang pag-uusapan at wala akong peace of mind na ma-achieve.

Pinipilit ako ni Anna na pumunta. Sabi niya everyone is going daw.

Akez naman. Derm!

“No! As in EVERYONE!” chika niya sabay tingin kay MHW na nagmumukmok lang sa station niya.

“Alam ko namang lahat ng rampage na you’re doing right now against MHW is nothing but a simple papansin!”

For the record, eh wai pang idea si Anna or anyone in office about that “afternoon delight”, as far as they know, eh parang deads na deads lang ang drama ko kay kuya.

So I finally decided to join the birthday party.

*

A couple of hours before the party eh paran na-excite naman ako nang slight.

EXPECTATIONS:

Siyempre parang bet ko namang magpakaglamorosa at magpaka-engrande, it even crossed my mind na magpa-parlor at magpasadya ng gown kay Paul Cabral, but then, dahil sa kapos sa oras eh deadma. I’ll settle for jeans, loafers, white shirt, jacket.

I’ll arrive fashionably late. Para namang hindi halatang masyadong excited.

Pagdating sa party. More chika-chikahan portion. Lafang-lafangan portion. Nongga-nonggahan portion.

But all along eh nasa peripheral vision ko si MHW, walang kausap sa isang sulok pero panay ang nakaw nang tingin sa akin.

Akez naman, dapat naka-timing ang hawi ng hair, ang pag-isolate ng leeg, ang pag-pout ng lips at ang pagtaas ng kilay na parang nasa isang couture na photo shoot.

Hindi ko siya papansinin hanggang sa makakahanap siya ng time na maso-solo niya akembang.

Lalapitan niya akez. May mga kabog akong mararamdaman sa dibdib ko na parang may mga kabayong nag-uunahan pero witchelles ako magpapahalata.

Compose … compose … i-channel si Miriam Quiambao.

Pagkalapit na pagkalapit niya eh titingnan niya muna ako habang super wet lang ako ng lips. Sabay shushorlak siya nang, “Bernz! I would like to apologize for whatever I did. I didn’t mean to hurt or disappoint you.”

Akez naman eh i-iiwas ang tingin sa kanya. Titingin sa malayo sabay deadma pa ren.

“Bernz! What happened between us could have been a mistake. Pero ginusto ko yon. Can you forgive me? I like you a lot. I have already broken up with my lover. Matagal kong pinag-isipan ito. Pero now, I am ready. Pwede bang mag-start tayo all over again?”

Ibabalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. May mga ngiting namumuo sa labi pero pinipigilan pa ren na mahalata. Titingnan ko lang siya. Hindi siya nagsisinungaling. May sincerity ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Shet! This is it! This is really really it!!!

And then, we will live happily ever after.

*

Pero sa totoong buhay, hindi lahat nang ineexpect na mangyari eh talagang nangyayari at pwedeng mangyari.

So ano talaga ang nangyari?

I arrived fahionably late pa ren. But when I arrived, wala pa don si MHW.

More chika-cika. More lafang-lafang. More nongga-nonnga.

Kada bukas ng door eh super-sight naman akez, hoping na si MHW na yon.

Hanggang sa napagod akez sa kahihintay. Shet! Baka hindi naman siya pupunta.

Bumaba kami ni Anna para bumili ng bugarette. Wala na ko sa mood. Sana pala eh nasa bahay na lang ako at nanunuod ng Maalaala Mo Kaya.

Pero pagbalik namin sa hotel eh muntik nang lumundag ang puso ko ng biglang humabol si MHW sa elevator papaakyat.

Binati niya si Anna. Binati siya ni Anna.

Sa akin. Deadma.

Pagdating sa room eh parang lahat naman eh na-excite nung dumating na si MHW. Nyeta! Alam kaya ng mga bilat na badinggerzie din si kuya?

More nongga.

Hanggang na-realize kong nag-iisa na lang akong nag-momorenums na nakaupo sa sofa while MHW is mingling with the officemates.

Parang ang saya-saya naman ni kuya. Habang ako itong parang nilalapirot ang kaibuturan ng damdamin ko.

Tinitingnan ko siya pero he never even glances at me.

Finally, may moment na lumayo siya sa grupo to get a drink or something. Shet! This is it! It’s now or never, kung witchelles ngayon? Kelan? Kung witchelles akez? Sinetch?

Nilapitan ko siya.

“Uy,” chika ko.

“Uy,” chika niya.

Awkwardness on the loose.

“Uhmmmm …..”, fillers ko …

Nakatingin lang siya kin.

“Buti naman pinapansin mo na ‘ko”, sabi na lang niya.

“Eh. Ikaw nga ang hindi pumapansin sa ‘kin e …”

Deadma.

I continued, “Anyway, I just want to declare a truce. And I want to apologize. Alam kong my behaviors recently were unacceptable.”

“I understand, I’m partly to blame. So, I’m sorry na ‘ren. So peace?”

“Peace!”

And then, he went back with me to the group for more chikahan and more nonggahan pa ren.

The rest of the evening went very well. Siguro dahil na ren may isang malaking tinik na naalis sa lalamunan ko. Finally eh natapos na ren ang tantrums ko. But deep inside eh may isang malaking question mark pa ren ang nakatatak sa isip ko. Ganun na lang yon? Pero pano na yung nangyari sa amin? Talaga bang it was just brought about by unwanted impulses at dapat na talagang kalimutan?

*

We decided to call it a night. Nagpaalam na ko kay MHW, I’ll see him on Monday. Nakasakay na ko ng taxi nang biglang may-I-call si kuya. Tinanong niya kung gusto ko raw maglugaw. May alam siyang bonggang-bonggang lugawan sa JP Rizal.

Siyempre, ako naman tong kaladkarin na go lang ng go. Apparently, andun pa ren siya sa may hotel so pinabalik ko na lang si manong driver para sunduin siya and then we went dun sa bonggang-bonggang lugawan.

Habang super lafang with the tricycle drivers eh MHW is back to his unusual self. If I don’t know more, siguro iisipin kong may pagkakrung-krung itong si kuya. Multiple personalities on the loose. He appeared comfortable, free-spirited, happy. Kwento lang siya nang kwento nang kung anu-ano. And I just listened and looked at him.

Siguro ganun talaga if you are with the person that you really like. It’s regardless of how you spend the time together, or what you are doing, or eating, as long as you’re together, you’re genuinely happy.

Hanggang sa …

“So, hindi ba natin pag-uusapan kung ano yung nangyari sa atin?”, nasabi ko na lang bigla nung tumigil siya sa pagkwento dahil busy-bisihan siya sa paglalagay ng more sili sa lugaw niya.

Witchelles ko ren learn kung baket ko na-icherva yun pero bigla na lang lumabas sa bibig ko.

Napatihimik lang siya sandali.

Napaisip.

Napabuntong-hininga.

“Bernz, alam mo bang hindi ko minsan inisip na I would cheat on my lover?”

Parang ang nega naman ng sagot niya. Sana pala nananahimik na lang ako.

“We’ve been together for more than a year …. I never really cheated on him. Not until that afternoon that we’re together. So na-bother talaga ako. Pero whenever I am with you, outside the office ha, when you’re not a dragoness, parang I feel very comfortable with you …”

“So ……”

“So … I like you! There I said it! I really like you. Pero ayaw ko namang maging complicated ang lahat at madamay ka. Ayaw ko ren namang masaktan ka. It’s gonna be unfair for you and my lover.”

“So ….”

“Let’s just be like this …. There’s nothing wrong with that naman di ba?”

Blagag. Parang betchay ko namang mahulog non sa bangkong kina-uupuan ko.

*

Sometimes, we keep on looking for something and wanting it desperately, that when it finally comes, we’re so afraid to grab it because of the fear that we might lose it that easily.

And then, the desire keeps on getting stronger when we know that we can’t have IT.

A point comes when we learn that we can’t have what we desire. We will stage tantrums. We will be angry. We will formulate a grand scheme out of anger to achieve whatever we want. But we will still fail.

Then, some will walk out and head to the “forget-all-about-it” route. But there are some instances when we know that we can’t have everything, we will, then, settle for something.

After anger, we end up bargaining and compromising. Just because we don’t want to completely lose it.

Maybe it’s better this way …. You won’t have the entire cake but at least you’ll have a piece of it for you to savor.

But the problem is … you wouldn’t know how long it will last until you will be asking for more.