NOT ANOTHER VARSITY CAPTAIN ENTRY

"Nagkita na ba kayo ni Varsity Captain from the time that you went back? "

Shet! Unprepared akez sa ganoong klaseng ambush interview. Muntik na akez tumambling sa gitna ng Government at maglip-synch ng "Diamonds Are Forever" with all the production and performance level galore.

Natameme akez sa shornong na iyonchie ni McVie. Mega-shoyo lang kame sa bar habang nagaganap ang gay na gay na christmas party ng Icon at habang ang mga veklores eh walang patumangga sa paggiling, pagpapapawis at pagpapa-impress eh nagrigodon bigla ang balun-balunan ko.

Pero parang wala lang . . . . super ikmyle akez at confidence to the most fatalistic level . . . Kaya ko 'to . . . . kaya ko 'to . . . . "Yeah! We’ve seen each other. Anyway . . . . . . "

But deep inside . . . . . .

*

"Mare, honestly! I don't know what to do!"

Nasa kalagitnaan kame ng Ortigas at habang witchelles madefine ang mga eksenang nagaganap sa kalsada dahil sa buhol-buhol na shropik ever eh super drama anthology naman akey hey hey kay Claude.

Corrected by naman ang ichinika sa 'ken ni Claude. Chika niya na super in-denial akez. Kelangan kong gawen ever eh harapin ang feelings ko. Face reality. As simple as that.

Sa trulagen lang eh sinasadya kong witchelles italak ever ditey ang mga eksenang naganap sa 'men ni Varsity Captain from the time na naka-return-of-the-jedi akez from proveng.

"Do you really like him?"

Isang daan at limampu't isang beses na yatang shinornong sa aken ni Claude ang shornong na iyonchinabelles at parang betsiva na niyang gumetlack ng lapis at ipasok sa jilongis morisette kez para lang magkaroon akez ng matinong sagot.

At as usual ang sagot kez eh . . . .

"Oo naman!"

At as usual another heto ang reply niya . . .

"O! Anong problema?"

"I don't know."

Witchelles ko talaga learnsiva kung anik ang problema. Parang bet ko na lang na iuntog ever ang ulo kez sa dingding hanggang lumabas ang sagot na super-sinasightchinabelles kez.

"Alam mo Bernz, kelangan mo na sigurong magpatingin sa psychiatrist."

That night eh paatak kame sa Rennaisance sa Ortigas para umattend ng isang birthday party ng isa sa mga nyora namen . . . . si Mama Ricky. No! Not the Mama Ricky na famous hair stylist but Mama Ricky "the fashion photographer".

Mama Ricky is celebrating his 45th birthday. Minsan sa buhay kez eh naging young padawan learner din akez ni Mama Ricky. Siya ang may karay-karay sa ken habang ang aking diwa eh musmos at inosenteng-inosente pa. Karay niya akez sa Quezon Avenue para I-meet ang mga amiga niyang designers. Karay niya akez sa Giraffe at Penguin 'nung mga panahong witchelles pa uso ang Mr. Piggy's at mas lalong witchelles pa uso ang Bed at Government. Karay niya rin akez sa Circle of Life (QC circle) para makagetching ng tips kung pano mamick-up ng bulaychina. Si Mama Ricky den ang nag-givesung sa 'ken ng unang bonalicious ko. Regalo niya for my birthday.

Well, for sure eh aapaw ang kabaklaan sa condo unit ni Mama Ricky. Sa elevator pa lang eh haves na kaming nakasabay na mga bagetz na badinggerzie na obyosa delarosa namang sinasadyang two octaves lower ang mga boses ever para witchelles ma-bukayo ang rising, lowering at belly-dancing intonation ng mga boses niletchie ever. Ewan ko ba, kung minsan eh najijisip kez na witchelles naman akez ganitey hey hey kaplastik sa sarili kez at sa ibang utawsingbelles. Bading ako! Bading na bading at witchelles kez na needsung na ishogo pa ang kabadingan kez para mas maging markettable.

Pag-enter the dragon namen sa unit eh witchelles nga akez nagkamali. Samu't saring kabadingan ang present-tense. Sinalubong kami ni Mama Ricky with all the smile and avratheng.

Beso . . . .

Beso . . . .

Greet . . . .

Greet . . . .

Pinatuloy na niya kame. In fairness, medyo shuhimek at gloomy pa ang environment ever. Witchelles pa siguro nakaka-ariba ang mga veklores sa paglaklak. Tanging si Gloria Estefan lang ang paulit-ulit na super singaling na at least eh nakakapagpa-taas ng mood.

Jiniwan naman akez ni Calude at jumointlackles kay Mama Ricky.

Nasightchinabelles kez si Rica na nakajupostrax sa couch. At heto ang eksena, may isang menchus na super akbay sa kanya at super chikahan sila. May mga kilig momentz pa ang baklita at may nalalaman pang pakurot-kurot sa tagiliran ng menchus.

Super lingon sa 'ken si Rica at nashock ever na parang naka-sightchinabelles ng multong naka t-back.

Lumapit siya.

"Bernz, I know you and Claude will not be happy about this but I am with someone," then super turo siya sa menchus na nakashorlikod sa 'men at nakajupostrax pa ren sa couch.

So, naloka naman akez. "Baket naman kami hindi maha-happy?"

"I'm not just with an ordinary someone, but I am with HIM."

In fairness, eh witchelles kez talaga maintindihan ang bakla. 'Nung una eh feeling kez na baka bangag lang si bakla. Sinetchie namanchie ang kajointlackles niya na parang warlang warla ang eksena?

A. Si Richie Sambora
B. Si Katya Santos

O . . . . . . . .

C. Si UMA!!! (Echoz)

Tapos, eh super sightchinabelles naman sa 'men ang menchus. At super-smile siya sa 'ken.

Naloka akey hey hey hey! Well . . . loka would be a total understatement . . . maloloka akez pag naka-sight akez ng porno video ni Elton John at George Michael. Maloloka akez pag nag-hubad sa harapan kez si Alvin Alfonso. Pero heto . . . hindi itez kaloka-loka . . . rather . . . . NAPRANING akez. As in . . . . kulang na lang siguro eh jumikot ever ang julo kez, mag spider walk ng pabaligtad at dumura ng laway na kulay blue at sumigaw ng FUCK MEEEE . . . FUCK MEEEEE. (Linda Blair isdachu?)

Si LUCAS ang kajoinlackles ng baklang Rica.

So, who in the fucking world naman si Lucas?

Read this:

http://badinggerzie.blogspot.com/2005/05/week-full-of-unfaithfulness-part-3.html

Okay.

Super whisper with wings akez kay Rica, "Are you out of your freaking mind?"

Witchelles maka-ispluk si Rica. Parang bet na lang niyang magsign-language sa sobrang windang.

And then, "I just gave him a second chance, that's all. Don't say or do anything, please! Promise! I can handle this." Super malumanay ang pag-ispluk ni Rica na parang sinasabi na rin niyang "Hoy!!!!!! 'Hwag nyo ngang pakialamanan ang buhay ko!"

Oh well! Mga bakla talaga. Nasaktan na nga't lahat lahat . . . pakitaan lang ng close-up smile, konting suyo at konting-pgpapafeel na babae sila at ang haba-haba ng heraton eh bibigay na again and again.

Pero sa truelili lang eh na-concerned lang akez. Nasightchinabelles kez kung gaano kawarla at kung paano nagloka-lokahan ang bakla 'nung ma-bukayo niya si Lucas na halos may kinakangkang na sa sidewalk ng Malars. Witchelles kez lang bet na ma-experience niya ever uli iyonchie.

Was na ren naman akez magagawa ever. Andon na siya eh. Alangan naman palang isubo ko pa ang bato at maging Darnang itim at magkontra-kontrabidahan sa mga eksena.

Inontroduce akez ni Rica kay Lucas. Technically, first time talaga naming nag-meet. Maayos ko namang shinonggap ang kamay niya though learnsiva kez na felt na felt niya ever ang mga hostilities sa mata kez.

Anyway, chikahan galore lang kami ni Lucas habang may-I-attack si Rica para chikahin na si Claude.

Parang betsiva kez na bornongin si Lucas kung muhality of culture ba niya talaga si Rica. Pero parang masyado naman na yata akong shukialamera sa lagay na yon da 'vah? So deadma na. Anyway, kung nagmamahalan naman talaga sila e di go lang ng go, attack lang ng attack. Sabi nga ni Rock Star minsan, if the relationship is successful, then we're lucky . . . if it fails, better luck next time.

But the thing is, ang relationship ever ba ay nakadepende sa swete o malas? A relationship is between two people, them and only them are the ones who can maneuver their relationship to the good side or the bad side. Pero sabihin na nga nating ang mga magkarelasyon ay trulagen colagen sustagen ngang nagmamahalan to the highest level . . . . Baket meron pa reng sumesemplang?

Kung ang mga may jowa nga eh nahihirapang sagutin ang shornong na iyonchie eh akez pa kayang SINGLE?!

Jiniwan kez muna si Lucas para umatak sa balcony. Kelangan kez magsubey hey hey hey!

May naabutan akez sa balcony na isang menchus na mega-buga ng usok. Jumingi na lang akez ng subey sa kanya.

"Friend mo si Ricky?" chika nung menthol.

"Uhhmmm. Yeah. Ikaw?"

"Hindi."

"Uhm? Friend siya ng friend mo?"

"Hindi ren."

"So anung ginagawa mo dito?"

"I am Ricky's lover."

Natawerwer naman daw akez sa sagot ng menthol. Lover talaga? Sabbbbeeeeeeeee!!!!!! He's young, fresh and yummy ha. Parang mas kyotabelles pa sa ‘ken. In fairness, jackpot naman si Mama Ricky sa jowastergate nyez.

"Ah Sorry. I didn't know na may lover pala si Ricky ngayon."

"Ako rin eh. I don't know din na may lover pala si Ricky."

Jugug! Naguluhan naman daw akez sa talak niya.

"Ikaw? May lover ka ba?" shornong niya habang super figure out akez sa huling talak niya.

"Wala. I'm single." Bakit ba kelangangang shornungin ang bagay na itu sa 'ken paulit-ulit ng iba't ibang utaw. Kelangan bang ipamukha na SINGLE ako at sila ay hinde. Imberna ha.

"Well, it's good to be single.” Talak niya another.

"Nasasabi mo lang yan dahil hindi ka single. Sige, sabihin na nating may mga advantages ang pagiging single, pero hindi naman lahat ay nakakabuti at nakakapagpasaya. Iba pa ren yung may lover ka. Iba pa ren yung may taong alam mong iniisip ka. Iba pa ren yung mayroon kang napagpapakitaan ng affection, nahihingahan ng sama ng loob, you know . . . . "

"If that is how you define a relationship. I guess, I'm not in a relationship, at all."

"Baket mo naman nasabi yan?"

"Wala lang."

Nag-open sesame ang sliding door bago pa makashulak ang menchus. Lumabas si Mama Ricky. Super lapit siya agad sa jowa at mega kiss and yakapsule ever.

Pinakilala siya sa 'ken ni Mama Ricky.

Kunwari naman eh super happy ako for him but deep inside eh feeling ko may sapak yata sa kukote yung jowa niya. Anyway, bumalik na akez sa loob.

Nasightchinabelles kez na super chikahan na si Claude at si Lucas. Malamang eh postcard na ang sermonan portion between Claude and Rica.

Honestly, the party is boring. Sana eh nagdala na lang akez ng karayom at sinulid at nakapag-cross-stitch pa sana akey hey hey hey.

Hanggang sa bigla kez na lang naisip na I-text si Varsity Captain out of the blue. Witchelles pa kami nagkikita or nagchichikahan since the time I went back sa Manaylus.

Messages . . . .

Compose . . . . . .

Hi! I missed you. Sori ngaun lang ako nkpagtxt. Im bak hir na sa Manila. Musta na? Bka naman nkalimutan mo n ko.

Sending message . . . . .

Message Sent . . . . .

Siyempre kelangan munang umeksena ng pagpapacute ever.

One message received . . . . .

Opening . . . . .

Opening . . . . .

Varsity Captain . . . . .

Hindi ah. Bka kaw nga jan. San ka?

Reply . . . . . .

D2 Ortigas. Rennaisance. I want to C U. Wanna meet?

Sending Message . . . . .

Message Sent . . . .

Act of desperation ba itu? "Wanna meet?" Nakakabuya mang jisipin ever pero, plangganang butas, sinend kez ang message na yonchie.

I do not have to deceive myself. Tama si Claude. Masyadong plenty na ang oras ever ang sinayang kez. Bet ko siya. Bet na bet. And after a very very long contemplation 'nung nasa Aklan akez eh nafelt kong I have to face my fears. Sige na. I'm giving in. Kung bet niyang maging magjowa kame. Go na lang ng go.

Witchelles nang kelangang magmaganda pa.

"Mare, bat naman super senti ka 'jan," tinabihan akez ni Rica habang megatitig lang akez sa nyelpie kez na super hoping sa text ni Varsity Captain. "What are you thinking ba? Parang ang lalim ah."

"Wala lang. . . . . . Hindi ka ba natatakot na naging mag-on na naman kayo ni Lucas?"

"Hay nako girl, if ever na matatakot ako sana noon pang nagsisimula pa lang kami. We cannot make alis naman the fear noh. It's always there. We are always afraid. If we are walang jowa, we are afraid. If we have jowa, we are afraid din. It's up to us na lang to make sugal ourselves. Risk mama! Risk! Relationships are all about risks. The risk of being over-in-loved. The risk of falling out of love. The risk of getting hurt."

"Matapang ka lang siguro."

"Bakla, mahal ko lang talaga si Lucas."

"So, pag mahal mo ang isang tao, we shouldn't care about anything else?"

Isang kibit balikat ang isinagot sa 'kin ni Rica.

Jiniwan ko si Rica at super najijihi na akez. But then no, pag attack kez sa nyiarette eh mega fall-in-line ang drama. Parang MRT.

Mega-shornong akez kay Mama Ricky kung haves ba ng ibang nyiarette. Chika naman niya na may another CR sa kwarto niya. Attack na lang daw akez.

So attack naman akez dahil eynimomentz eh puputok ever na ang pantog kez at eynimomentz eh baga isahog na lang itu sa sisig.

Pag-enter kez eh nilabas ko agad si junjun kez at heaven . . . . .

Anyway, habang kinikilig-kilig pa akez after na jingle-bells eh nasense kong may dalawang utawsingbelles sa may bath tub. From the mirror eh nasightchinabelles kez ang isang menchus na shumoyo at mega suot ng shontolon ever. Narecognize kez ang fezlack niya. Siya yung jiningian kez ng subey hey hey hey . . . . yung jowa ni Mama Ricky.

Nagsorry na lang akez. Chika ko, witchelles kez learn na may iba palang utawsingbelles.

Smile lang sa ken yung jowa ni Mama Ricky. "Wanna join?" sabe ba naman!

Eh kung tuktukan ko kaya siya!

"NO thanks!" At isquierda na akez.

Pinigil akez nung menthol bago pa akez maka-exit.

"Please, don't tell anybody about this. Especially, Ricky."

"Sure. Bye."

Pag-exit kez eh windang-windang pa ren akez sa nasightchinabelles kez. In fairness, nalukresia kasilag talaga akez! Sa dinami dami ng pwedeng makabukayo sa kanila eh baket akez pa!? Sa truelili lang eh was naman talaga akong shukialam sa kung sinetchie ang makipagdookit kung kaninetchie. Care ko ba kasi? Pero naman, nakakasira naman kasi ng momentum.

Heto na . . . this is it na . . . . . it cost me a lot . . . . . I can tell myself . . . I'm ready for commitment . . . . . I am ready for a relationship . . . . . tapos biglang akong makakawitness ng relaionships being violated . . . in a bath tub ha take note.

Jumosok tuloy again sa jisep kez ang mga fears kez . . . . ang mga consequences ng pagkakaroon ng jowastergate. Risk! Risk! Risk! Chika nga ni Rica.

Am I ready to take that risk?

Varsity Captain calling . . . . . .

To be continued

WHO'S THE SUPAHSTAR????

Almost three days na akey hey hey hey na waing borlog. Super-rush for the MTV SUPAHSTAR event.

The day of the event, morning pa lang eh ginulantang na akez ng sangkatutak na shorwag from my co-workers, including Ursula. By 10 am raw eh kelangan na naming umatak sa location ng event, Embajada. Sa loob-loob ko eh hanu naman ang eeksanahan ko sa Embajada ng ganong kaaga da 'vah, kung witchelles ba naman luka-luka itung mga itu? Parang bet kong italak sa kanila na . . . . . Haller . . . tao din naman ako . . . may puso at kaluluwa . . . . napapagod din!!!!

Hanu naman ang gagawin ko 'don? Ako ang mag-iingress at magmamartilyo, samantalang call na 'yon ng logistics da 'vah?

But then, kelangan eh, akez ang production manager . . . . so armado lang akez ng isang triple grande latte at isang uber-daks na shaidaloo to cover ang witchelles na matawaran kong eyebags na pati ang sangkatutak na concealer eh hindi umepek.

Pag-attack kez 'don eh direcho muna akey hey hey sa opis ng MTV, since magshopetbalay lang naman sila ng Embassy . . . . . pero ang MTV people eh wa pang appearance galore.

Attak na ng Embassy, where may mga ingress at set-up nang nagaganap, with all those topless at pawis-pawis na guys na parang mako-kyosim na ang mga singer. Ang eksena lang naman eh, stage at rampa.

Keri na nila yon.

Super-inspect lang akez sa controversial na VIP room ng Embajada, which is gagawing DRESSING ROOM ng mga model-contestants unyabelles.

Keri.

Inaya kez ang isa naming production staff na shumorkas at nang makapag-breakfast naman. Ang nakakaloka lang sa area na yon ng FORT eh puro GOURMET restaurants ang nasa-sight ko. Shuntangenang yan!

But then, buti na lang at naka-sight kami ng GONUTS sa isang sulok ng area na yon. Affordable.

After lafuk eh back to VIP room ng Embajada. Super higaers sa sofa sa dilemma na part.

BORLOG.

Itu ang isang major talent na kelangang ma-learn ng isang utaw na super-workikay sa mga production galore. Ang makering makaborlog, anywhere, and to take advantage of every opportunity.

May isang oras din akez nakaborlog. Ms. Talent da 'vah? Kering-keri na yon. Pagkagising ko eh magla-lunch time na.

So, kelangan namang shorwagan ang in-charge sa food-flow at ipamadali na ang mga McDonald's or Jollibbee na ipapalafus sa mga menchus.

At after almost five more hours, eh nashorpors din ang pukpukan, pinturahan portion, pakuan portion, martilyuhan portion and avratheng. Na-kumpleto din ang set, lights and sound system.

That time eh nagdadatingan na ren ang ibang part ng production team. At take note ha, lahat sila eh FRESH.

So, run through lang ng script, tapos super-block ang mga contestant models, then kelangan ko nang i-waitsiva ang mga hosts ng show, si KC Montero and si Cindy Curletto.

Pero bago ang lahat eh kelangan ko munang sumegway aver. Witchelles naman yatang kering ngaraggedy anne ang beauty kez sa isang SUPAHSTAR event.

Buti na lang eh dun lang din sa The Fort nakatira si Rica, segway na naman akez na parang multo na kelangan hindi ma-felt ang presence at absence; naki-legis at nakibihis talaga akez sa balaysung ng baklang Rica.

Back to Embajada, dilemma is on the loose.

Super hanap daw sa 'ken si direk at andon, present tense na si KC and Cindy at kelangan ng i-brief. Ang chika ko naman eh all-along andun lang akez. Witchelles ba nila akez napansin ara?

Deadma.

Chikahan with Cindy and Papa KC. At first eh wa epek naman sa 'ken si Papa KC, maongkad, mashuti, with all that bad boy image . . . . at witchelles pinansin ang skrip ko ha. Parang mas bet ko pa tuloy ang younger bruderrete niyang si Colby na unang sigtheousbelles kez pa lang eh nagwatir-watir na ang bahay-bata kez.

Pero si KC Montero pala eh parang bagoong alamang . . . . . habang tumatagal eh kumokyorapsa. Happy-happy naman siguro ang lola Geneva ko ditey sa umbao na itey hey hey hey.

Hayun na nga, show proper na . . . . so mejo relaxation portion na. Nasa gilid lang akez ng entablado more assist kay Papa KC.

Mejo star studded ang event. Present si Robbie Carmona, andon din si Derek Ramsey na witchelles ko man lang na-sense, si Geneva, siyempre, in all support . . . . andun din ang lola Vina Morales ko with her fabulous kimono-inspired, silk top . . . at plunging kung plunging itu . . . nahiya naman akez biglang mag-proclaim na babae akez 'nung napatingin akez sa plunging neckline ni Vina. Present din ang some other models and stars.

By the way, one of the contestants nga pala eh si Belinda Bright. In fairness, flolessa pa ren ang lola nating itu . . . at ang . . . . . . . boobey ng ate ko . . . . daks . . . . kakaloka . . . witchelles naman sa natotomboy akez or anything ha . . . . but then . . . . na-amaze lang akez sa boobey ni bakla . . . na sa tuwing nakikita kez eh parang nangingilo akez at the same time eh nanghihina . .

Hayun lang naman ang waterloo ng mga veklores eh . . . . kung kay superman eh ang kryptonite . . . . magpasight ka ng dakilyn jose na boobaloo sa isang badinggerzie . . . eh siguradong iikot ang paningin nito . . . manghihina ang tuhod . . . . at pag tumagal-tagal eh . . . may-I-faint na ang drama.

In the middle of the show, habang rumoronda-ronda akez eh na-sight kong may mega kaway sa 'ken on the other side.

Si lola Rica, na kahit kailan eh witchelles nagpapahuli sa eksena . . . . at ang kajoint-forces niya . . . ay walang iba . . . . kundi ang baklang dumunyu . . . . Jessica.

Naka-dress to kill na naman ang Jessica na parang gustong humabol sa contest with his Gucci Belt na pwedeng isampal sa fezlack mo, pero magiging proud ka pa at matatatakan ng daks na "G" ang fez mey hey hey hey.

Witchelles naman sa nanghuhusga akey hey hey sa kapwa kong bakla but then. Iba talaga ang vibes nitung si Jessica. Meron siyang Attention Deficiency Hyperactive Syndrome, meron pa siyang Spotlight Syndrome, megalomaniac pa si bakla, paranoid . . . . basta super nega siya. Wish ko na lang eh madagdag ang Parkinsons sa listahan . . . Echozzzz. Anyway, tinatry ko pa rin naman na maging friendiva kame kasi naman super friendiva niya si Rica. Halos magkababata sila and they went to the same school hanggang maging mga kolehiyala sila.

Super beso kame ni Rica at simangol naman ang sinalubong sa 'ken ng tarambukol na New Yorker.

"Do we need to be foreigners to be served well here?", chika ni bakla na parang sinampalukang galunggong.

"Why what’s the problem?" oblivious naman akez sa eksena.

"Well, we've ordered for drinks and I'm already counting eons, the drinks are still not here.”

"Sorry. Kasi, andaming tao. Follow-up ko na lang sa manager." Da 'vah? Anu namang pakealam ko sa pagse-serve ng drinks eh samantalang show lang ang dapat na pinapakealamanan ko, pero dahil friendiva siya ng friendiva ko eh I’m making extra efforts.

Bet ko lang asarin si bakla, chika ko, "You know what? Why don't I get you GSM Blue!?"

"What's that?"

In-explain ko sa kanya na itu ay Gin . . . BILOG!!!! Naloka si bakla . . . . . nag-ballistic sa suggestion ko. Sabi ba naman, hindi daw keri na masayaran ang lalamunan niya ng mumurahing alak. Nag-sorry na lang akez, but deep inside eh laftir akez ng laftir sa thought.

Dumating na ang waiter with their drinks.

"Do we need to be foreigners to be served well here?" chika na naman ni Jessica na parang sinaulo lang ang linya. "Mind you, I can speak four languages, excluding Ilocano and Waray."

Nagulantang ang mundo ko sa last statement. Witchelles ko learn kung magpapalit ba ako ng mukha o tatambling at babalek na lang sa sinapupunan ng ina ko. Hanu naman ang fukealam ng waiter kung marunong siyang umispluk ng kung anik-anik na lenggwahe da 'vah?

Pati ang waiter eh speechless sa narinig niya sa baklang Finnochio.

At witchelles pa doon natatapos ang eksena, meron pa siyang sundot na: "Nakita mo na ba ang lalagyanan ko ng salapi?"

At that point eh witchelles ko na kinaya ang mga talak . . . .nag-excuse na 'ko at bahala na sila sa buhay nila.

Napostcard din ang show, sa wakas, ng walang ka-effort-effort.

Lumapit ako kay KC and Cindy to get their cue cards and to congratulate them for a job well done. Nag-thank-you din naman sila sa 'ken for being the friendliest and most accommodating production manager they ever worked with. Ohhhh! Title ako da 'vah? Pa'no ba naman akez witchelles magiging friendliest at most accommodating eh witchelles ko hinahayaang mawalang ng beranggju at tequila sa gilid ng entablado.

At ang talak ni Papa KC sa 'ken, "You have nice shoulders . . . ."

Aba! Aba! Aba! Naman da 'vah?

Witchelles naman siguro enough yon para magkaroon akez ng hydrocephalus at para lumobo ang ulo kez but then, I totally appreciated the comment. My gawd! How many times in your life will you encounter a KC Montero and compliment a part of your body, even if it is just the . . . . shoulders?

Anyway, para lang witchelles kayo mahiwagaan kung paano nakita ni KC ang shoulders ko eh simple lang naman, I'm wearing a shirt, courtesy of ESPRIT, then, it has a diagonal zipper from the collar bone to the right above kili-kili portion so that when you unzip it . . . . viola!!!!! Your shoulder is exposed. And I never regretted exposing my shoulder that evening.

Kung mejo makapal-kapal lang sana ang fezlack kez eh shinulak ko kay KC na . . . . "You've just seen the shoulder . . . . . you havent seen the rest of me . . ." Hahhahah . . . . . kung hindi ba naman ako super kape na 'non da 'vah? Atsaka, eynimomentz . . . . I do this . . . I do that . . . and BOOM! My nose is a BLEED!!!! Ayaw ko naman yatang dumanak ang dugo ko sa fabulous 3 inch-thick glass floors ng VIP Room ng Embajada.

Nang mapostcard na ang lahat ng eksena, ang post-prod meeting na wai din namang na-achieve dahil super latukan portion na ng berangju ang everybody eh nagparamdam na si Claude para sunduin na akey hey hey hey.

Super-ask si Jessica kung bet ko bang sa kanya na lang akez sumabay with Rica in his Chedeng, with a chauffer, take note, with extra emphasis sa salitang Mercedez ha at Chauffer.

Chika ko naman, kay Claude na lang kasi he made time na sunduin ako. But deep inside, parang witchelles ko naman yata magkaroon ng utang na loob sa kanya at baka pagnagka-warlahan eh dahil sa mga utang na loob na itu eh magkaubusan na ng lahi.

Anyway, napansin ni Jessica ang 3210 na phone ni Claude. By the way, Claude has been using a 3210 phone ever since at witchelles niya itung bet palitan maski haves naman siya ng ukani na pangbuysung ng mas ezza na nyelpi. Witchelles lang siya sang-ayon sa fad ng makabagong komunikasyon.

Hiniram ni Jessica ang nyelpi from Claude at in-examine na parang ebidensyang napulot sa isang crime scene. Talak ni Jessica, "My goodness! I didn't know that somebody is still using this phone. You've got a dinosaur of a phone, ha" At sinauli niya itu kay Claude, with the diring-diring hawak na baka super afraid siyang matatak ang fingerprints niya sa teleponong iyun at parang ikakabawas ng dignidad niya pag may nakadiscover ng fingerprints niya sa isang 3210.

By instinct eh sabay kame ni Rica na napa-sight kay Claude. Aaaaay! Warlahin na siguro ni Jessica kung sinetchie man ang bet niyang warlahin, wag lang si Claude. Ay mama mama mama yokero mama! Biglang namutla akez . . . . eynimomentzzzz . . . world war itu . . . . itu ang ubusan ng lahi pag nagkataon.

Buti na lang at witchelles nag-react ang lola Claudine ko. Ikmyle lang siya then inaya na niya akez to go.

'Nung nasa carumba na kame eh nasabi ni Claude na witchelles na lang siya nag-react, pero bet na bet na daw niyang lumpuhin si Jessica, but then out of respect na lang daw kay Rica and besides, matatanda naman na raw kami . . . . . witchelles naman na siguro karapat-dapat ang cat fights.

Napahinga akez ng malalim, pero na-sense kong, kung witchelles ko feel si Jessica . . . si Claude eh hindeng-hindi feel si Jessica.

Bago akez maborlog that evening eh napajisip akez.

What does it take to be a SUPAHSTAR?

As badinggerzies, most of us have this inherent urges to rise above others . . . to be stars. Kung minsan nga eh witchelles natin learn na nakakasakit or nakakakyopak na pala tayey ng ibang utawsingbelles para lang maka-advance to the next level . . . just reaching for that unreachable star, sabi nga ni Frank Sinatra. All these years eh nafelt ko ren na mahilig talagang magmiganju ang mga badinggerzie, whether it is for good or for bad, para lang magkaroon ng pangalan, or para lang magkaroon ng reputasyon . . . para lang magkaroon ng magandang image.

Parating meron tayong gustong patunayan . . . . sa ibang tao. Witchelles tayey nakukuntento sa kung ano ang meron tayo at sa kung ano ang kaya naten. There are always, castles being built in the air, there always are people running after their illusions, who can't seem to settle for what's at hand and what is feasible.

And sometimes, when we are already on a certain level, we forget to look back or look down from where we came from. Yes, sometimes, we look down, but we look down literally at those people, whom we think are below us.

Do those things make a SUPAHSTAR?

But in my own opinion, we are all SUPAHSTARS in our own right. We are just too preoccupied to notice it.

I am a SUPAHSTAR for being very good at my job, for being a brother, for being a good friend . . and for simply being me. (Let's not forget . . . for having nice shoulders!)

Rica is a SUPAHSTAR for being unafraid to take sides, for being outspoken, for being cheerful at all times.

Claude is a SUPAHSTAR for standing for what he believes in, even though he is standing alone, for being deviant, extraordinary, philosophical, practical and logical.

We don't need to have a STAR COMPLEX to be a SUPAHSTAR.

All of us are SUPAHSTARS!!!!

NAGDALAGA KA NA BA?

I was in a Star Cinema conference room, sitting across me is a writer, honestly, his name, I haven't heard before, in my left is Olivia Lamasan, a cup of coffee in one hand and a menthol cigarette on the other, one member of the creative team is also with us. I have been invited to be a subject for a story that is still being brewed.

Finally, the other writer that we were waiting for stepped in. She is carrying a huge shoulder bag, and a broad sheet. She apologized and immediately sat beside the other writer. She opened the news paper, looking for something . . . . . then she said, "It's here, we won!"

That was the first time I heard the name MAXIMO OLIVEROS.

Little did I know, that the writers who were there are one of those who are responsible for an indie film, which started small but later would be considered as one of the best films of the year.

From that day onwards, I have been lusting to see ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS but due to my entangled schedules, it was deemed near to impossible. My desperation intensified as accolades from left and right were thrown at the film and how it swept awards from international film festivals.

Yesterday, while still furious and mourning due to the loss of my beloved TAPPY (even though ancient, my IBM ThinkPad is my best buddy for the past years) I opened my email in the office, overflowing with emails of people looking for me and endless follow-ups. Suddenly I felt as if I just ressurected from the dead because it is not only TAPPY, which got lost (or stolen) but also SIXSIE, my 6600. They were together in one bag as we wait for our plane to Manila in Davao Aiport. Next thing I knew, it was no longer there where I left it.

Anyway, whining aside, one email stood out from my inbox with the subject "fan of baddinggerzie/favor to ask". I froze on my seat with delight and excitement . . . . "Shet! Heto na siya!!!!"

you are invited to the movie's premiere night tonight, tuesday, november 29,
7:00 p.m. at sm megamall cinema 2

And the movie that he is talking about is none other than, "ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS"

Unfortunately, I opened that email a day late and I wasn't able to go to the premiere night. But I immediately closed my computer, got my things and told Becky that I am going to see a movie that made me salivate like a mad dog with rabies for the past months. I won't let the day pass without seeing a "legend" in the making.

At around 9, I was in front of the ticket booth in Gateway Cineplex.

"PAGDADALAGA po," I told the ticket lady.

As the movie opened with an "estero", I prepared myself for total bliss, with college girls giggling on my left and stiff dykes on my right.

Until now, I'm speechless. I'm still carrying the same surreal feeling I have last night while incessantly applauding as the credits rolled out in the end.

Technically, it was not a "gay" film, and as Howie Severino puts it, "what I saw were characters who happened to be gay in a work of art that told the truth about our society."

The film cracked my hard shell, developed through time and experiences (mostly bad). It made me go back and feel the raw emotions of first love, of how pure and innocent it was. It ignites a different "kilig" feeling, not the same "kilig" feeling as you see Judy Ann Santos asking for extra rice as she daydreams of Piolo Pascual, it is not the same "kilig" feeling as you see Meg Ryan going through the barriers of time just to be with Hugh Jackman. Those are artifical "kilig" feelings brought about by goodlooking actors exchanging sugar coated lines. APMO extracts not these but the reality that we have long-forgotten. It is like looking at ourselves in the mirror, not that all of us were fond of "puki" shorts and hair clips when we were on our teens . . . . but looking through the eyes of Maxi, as he cooks dinner for his father and kuyas and as he peaks at the hunky police officer, Kuya Victor, while putting on his undies, makes you go "oowwwww ang sweet" and tili to the maximum level like a love-deprived bitch.

I was glued on my seat, my eyes are keen for every detail, my ears filtering every word spoken:

Maxi and Victor are seated side by side one afternoon. Maxi is helping Kuya Victor shine his shoes . . . . . without "keme" and with the super-pagirl smile Maxi asks:

"Kuya Victor, may syota ka na ba?"

Victor faces the twelve-year
old, "Baket? May nakikita ka bang babae na kasama ko? At saka istorbo lang yan
sa trabaho."

Maxi smiles and blurts, "Ano ba ang tipo mo sa babae?"

The kilig that Maxi felt and the expected embarrassment from Kuya Victor, while blushing was felt, detail by detail, by the audience controlling the urge to scream their hearts out.

"Ikaw? Kelan ka ba magkakaGIRLfriend?" Kuya Victor asks.

We laughed. As a gay man, I know, it would be best just to get a knife and stab yourself than to be asked that question.

So as Maxi, even at a very young age, is very aware of this.

"Kuya Victor naman, nakakasuka. Hindi kami talo noh! Ayaw ko na nga."

Maxi shoves the shoe, obviously offended by the question, stands and walks
towards the gate to leave.

"San ka pupunta?" Victor asks.

Maxi stopped, his back still against his knight in shining armor, sneering.

"Baket? Ayaw mo bang malaman ang tipo ko sa isang babae?"

Maxi turns around, forgets his "pag-iinarte", smiles and heads straight back to Victor, longing to hear . . . . .

"Ang tipo ko sa isang babae . . . . . ."

Maxi smiles, kilig to the bones, super pa-girl, tucks his not so long hair behind an ear . . .

"eh yung simple, mahinhin tsaka maasikaso."

Immediately, the audience, including me, could no longer suppress th scream . . . . then . . . . . everyone just exploded, screaming in delight, laughing and applauding.

Then, there was the first kiss, stolen by Maxi, while Victor was eating lunch cooked by the infatuated teen. Then, Victor said something out of surprise and flattery but I wasn't able to get it because the entire cinema was rowdy and there was an earsplitting noise. I've neither seen nor heard a crowd being so "kilig" before. And to think of that it was a mixed crowd, girls, boys, fathers, mothers etc.

After all the hearts being engulfed in pleasure, the resentment emanated in the cinema as Maxi began to stand between his family that loves him the most and the hunky policeman, investigating a murder. Maxi knew the killer, it was his eldest brother, KUYA BOY. The blood-stained shirt that he washed told it all.

There was the dilemma; will Maxi tell the love of his life that it is his Kuya Boy they're looking for or will he protect his family of crooks?

VICTOR: Maxi, 'nung isang gabi, nakita ko, meron kang sinusunog na damit. Kanino yon?

MAXI: Hindi ko alam! Hindi ko alam!!!

Then:

MAXI: Kuya, ano pong gagawin 'nyo kay Kuya Victor? wag nyo po siyang
sasaktan.

A slap from Maxi's father landed on his
face.

MANG PACO: Parati na lang yan si Victor. Simula nang dumating
yan dito parating siya na lang. Hindi mo na ba kami naiisip?

Or something like that.

I really have so much to tell about this movie and I will not be able to say it all in one sitting.

One more thing though, I have noted that the audience applauded like more than ten times in between scenes plus the earsplitting noises that I was talking about earlier. At the end, people were all standing, clapping, while credits are rolling out and did not leave until they were able to see the names of the people who brought this movie to life.

On my home, I said to myslef: SHET! PARANG GUSTO KONG MAGDALAGA ULET?!

For more info visit: http://maximooliveros.tripod.com

PS. Siguro super wonderbra ang mga beauty 'nyo kung baket bumubula ang bunganga kez ng INGLET ano? Oh well. Isa lang ang ma-ichichika ko - masyado na sigurong redundant kung babaklain ko pa itu and out of respect na ren to the movie itself . . . (shet! respect . . . meron pa pala ako non). Anyway, anik pa ang super waitsiva 'nyo . . . shoma na ang jinternet. Stop and cancel everything . . . attacksiva na sa nearest cinema . . . WATCH ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS or else . . . . . echoz! Mag-threat ba? You'll miss a part of your life pag witchelles nyez itez na-sighteousbelles ever!!!